Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your honesty in sharing such deep pain is received with care and with prayer. To wake exhausted, to feel your mind overheated at the smallest effort, to have a fire in your chest and an agony that makes clear thought difficult, this is a heavy burden. Thank you for reaching out even though you describe yourself as solitary and reluctant to burden others. Asking for help when the situation becomes unbearable is not weakness, it is wisdom, and God honors it.
Please hear that you are not forgotten. Even when you feel emptied and unable to function, the Lord sees you and remains near. Scripture teaches that the Father is the husbandman who cares for the vine. He prunes the branch that bears fruit so it may bear more, and that pruning can feel like cutting and pain. Persecutions and trials do not mean He has abandoned you, they are often the very means by which He strengthens and refines. As the early church was scattered by persecution, God used even that scattering for good and for the spread of His work. Your continued praying, even in exhaustion, is precious. Keep bringing your emptiness to Him, for He gives rest to the weary and strength to those who have no might.
Concerning the two painful situations with churches, some clarity may help bring peace.
First, the pressure about marriage that you refused. Marriage in Scripture is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, holy and to be entered freely and reverently, never by coercion or pressure from a pastor or anyone else. To refuse pressure is right. No ministry should force or manipulate a decision that belongs before God with a clear and willing conscience. If a pastor views you negatively for protecting that freedom, that negative judgment does not define you before God.
Second, the situation involving the woman who suffered sexual abuse as a child. Your motive in telling her pastor was to seek prayer and intercession, not to gossip or to spread the matter to other churches or people. That intention matters, and God knows it. At the same time, sexual abuse is a grave sin and a serious harm, and a pastor who is told of it bears a solemn responsibility before God to act wisely, to protect the vulnerable, to seek truth and to ensure safety, not merely to keep a private prayer matter and not to spread it carelessly. Your dream in which the congregation ignored and despised you, and in which you said in thought, I may have lit the flame but you are the one who spread it, reflects the very real fear and pain you carry about being blamed. It is understandable to feel anxious and to want to flee when you anticipate rejection. Whether or not that dream will come to pass, know this, you are not responsible for how another person handles information you entrusted to him for prayer. You did not broadcast it. If it was spread further, that responsibility lies with the one who spread it.
It is also understandable that the woman herself now wishes to confront you. A person who has kept silence for years to protect an abuser often lives in deep conflict and fear, and may react with anger toward the one who brought the matter into the light, even when that was done quietly and for her good. Her reaction does not mean you acted wrongly in seeking help from a pastor, but it does show why these matters need wise, safe and experienced care. You have done well to keep distance from both churches while you were already vulnerable and at the end of your strength. Continuing to maintain healthy boundaries is right until you have support and stability.
For your personal struggles, emotional and financial, and for the exhaustion that leaves you barely able to function, please do not carry this alone. Continue in prayer, as you have begun again, and also seek steady, trustworthy help. If possible, speak with a mature and biblically faithful pastor or counselor outside of the two ministries involved, and consider medical care for your mental health and physical symptoms. Anxiety and sorrow weigh on the soul even more than physical scourging weighs on the body, and God provides help through His Word, through prayer, and through the practical care of others. Simple steps like rest, regular sleep, nourishment, and a safe person to talk with are not unspiritual, they are part of stewardship of the body God gave you.
You mention unspoken loving feelings that cause suffering but that you recognize cannot be a priority now. That self awareness is good. Bring those feelings honestly to the Lord, ask Him to guard your heart and to guide you according to His design, where love and sexual intimacy belong within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman, and where purity and patience are part of love. For now, focusing on healing, stability and your walk with Christ is the right order. God can hold that part of your heart while you recover.
You said you feel the pain will continue even though you have tried to stay distant. God does not promise that hardship will end immediately, but He does promise to be with you in it, to use it to make you stronger, and to lead you to a place of greater fruitfulness in His time. Do not measure His love by the negative looks of people. The inheritance and approval that matter are His.
We are praying for you: for relief from the fire in your chest and the exhaustion in your mind, for clear thought and renewed strength, for provision in your financial needs, for wisdom regarding both churches and for protection from unjust confrontation, for healing for the woman who was abused and for justice and truth to be handled rightly, and for your heart to be guarded in love and purity.
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace, may He restore your strength day by day as you cleave to Him with purpose of heart. You are not alone in this prayer.
Please hear that you are not forgotten. Even when you feel emptied and unable to function, the Lord sees you and remains near. Scripture teaches that the Father is the husbandman who cares for the vine. He prunes the branch that bears fruit so it may bear more, and that pruning can feel like cutting and pain. Persecutions and trials do not mean He has abandoned you, they are often the very means by which He strengthens and refines. As the early church was scattered by persecution, God used even that scattering for good and for the spread of His work. Your continued praying, even in exhaustion, is precious. Keep bringing your emptiness to Him, for He gives rest to the weary and strength to those who have no might.
Concerning the two painful situations with churches, some clarity may help bring peace.
First, the pressure about marriage that you refused. Marriage in Scripture is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, holy and to be entered freely and reverently, never by coercion or pressure from a pastor or anyone else. To refuse pressure is right. No ministry should force or manipulate a decision that belongs before God with a clear and willing conscience. If a pastor views you negatively for protecting that freedom, that negative judgment does not define you before God.
Second, the situation involving the woman who suffered sexual abuse as a child. Your motive in telling her pastor was to seek prayer and intercession, not to gossip or to spread the matter to other churches or people. That intention matters, and God knows it. At the same time, sexual abuse is a grave sin and a serious harm, and a pastor who is told of it bears a solemn responsibility before God to act wisely, to protect the vulnerable, to seek truth and to ensure safety, not merely to keep a private prayer matter and not to spread it carelessly. Your dream in which the congregation ignored and despised you, and in which you said in thought, I may have lit the flame but you are the one who spread it, reflects the very real fear and pain you carry about being blamed. It is understandable to feel anxious and to want to flee when you anticipate rejection. Whether or not that dream will come to pass, know this, you are not responsible for how another person handles information you entrusted to him for prayer. You did not broadcast it. If it was spread further, that responsibility lies with the one who spread it.
It is also understandable that the woman herself now wishes to confront you. A person who has kept silence for years to protect an abuser often lives in deep conflict and fear, and may react with anger toward the one who brought the matter into the light, even when that was done quietly and for her good. Her reaction does not mean you acted wrongly in seeking help from a pastor, but it does show why these matters need wise, safe and experienced care. You have done well to keep distance from both churches while you were already vulnerable and at the end of your strength. Continuing to maintain healthy boundaries is right until you have support and stability.
For your personal struggles, emotional and financial, and for the exhaustion that leaves you barely able to function, please do not carry this alone. Continue in prayer, as you have begun again, and also seek steady, trustworthy help. If possible, speak with a mature and biblically faithful pastor or counselor outside of the two ministries involved, and consider medical care for your mental health and physical symptoms. Anxiety and sorrow weigh on the soul even more than physical scourging weighs on the body, and God provides help through His Word, through prayer, and through the practical care of others. Simple steps like rest, regular sleep, nourishment, and a safe person to talk with are not unspiritual, they are part of stewardship of the body God gave you.
You mention unspoken loving feelings that cause suffering but that you recognize cannot be a priority now. That self awareness is good. Bring those feelings honestly to the Lord, ask Him to guard your heart and to guide you according to His design, where love and sexual intimacy belong within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman, and where purity and patience are part of love. For now, focusing on healing, stability and your walk with Christ is the right order. God can hold that part of your heart while you recover.
You said you feel the pain will continue even though you have tried to stay distant. God does not promise that hardship will end immediately, but He does promise to be with you in it, to use it to make you stronger, and to lead you to a place of greater fruitfulness in His time. Do not measure His love by the negative looks of people. The inheritance and approval that matter are His.
We are praying for you: for relief from the fire in your chest and the exhaustion in your mind, for clear thought and renewed strength, for provision in your financial needs, for wisdom regarding both churches and for protection from unjust confrontation, for healing for the woman who was abused and for justice and truth to be handled rightly, and for your heart to be guarded in love and purity.
May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace, may He restore your strength day by day as you cleave to Him with purpose of heart. You are not alone in this prayer.
