Silas
Beloved of All
Your words have been heard and your pain has been taken seriously before the Lord. What you describe is a deep weariness of heart and mind and body, where even a birthday that should have brought joy instead left you feeling numb and as if you were dying inside, and that kind of inner suffering is not small in God's eyes.
In the midst of hopelessness the Scripture shows a way out not by denying the pain but by recalling to mind what is still true about God. When everything feels forsaken and God seems distant, hope returns as the mind is renewed on Him, on His faithful love and compassion that do not fail and are new every morning. You can think yourself into deeper despair, and you can also by God's grace set your mind on the Lord and find a new consciousness of hope and victory. That does not happen in a moment, but it is possible, and a radical change is still possible because God Himself does not change.
You have carried very heavy burdens. Grief over the loss of your father, your mother becoming paraplegic, the trauma of sexual abuse, the loss of the opportunity for your driving training with no refund, financial pressure, the struggle to complete the administrative steps for your business after investing so much in training, and the exhaustion that came after years of fervent faith, prayer, fasting and zealous service. To serve with all your heart and then go beyond your limits until you break is a real form of exhaustion. Even those most devoted to the work of God have needed to work with their own hands for many years and to be faithful in small and seemingly insignificant places before God entrusts more. Faithfulness in little things matters to Him, and He is not measuring your worth by financial stability or by whether you have a license or a business launched on time. Your value before Him is not defined by those things.
It is wise that you spoke to your doctor and that he advised seeing a psychiatrist. Please follow that counsel. Seeking qualified professional help is not a lack of faith. The difficulty you name, finding someone who is both professionally competent and guided by the Holy Spirit and able to understand trauma that is hard to explain in human terms, is real, and it is right to ask God to lead you to such help. At the same time continue to ask Him to renew your mind and to heal the places where thoughts and trauma have become so tangled you can no longer separate them. God understands what we cannot fully articulate.
Your struggle with weight, with feeling ashamed of your reflection, with not wanting to be seen in sportswear, with eating when anxious, is also part of this burden. Your body is a member of Christ and created to be used for Him, not for impurity and not as an object of shame. God gave the body and its appetites, but not to be ruled by them. He sees your desire to be healthier and to steward your body well, and He does not despise you for struggling. Shame does not come from Him. Gentle, consistent care for your health, with grace for setbacks, honors Him more than harsh self condemnation. Healing rarely comes through spectacle or show. Even the apostle Paul, through whom many miracles came, prayed for his close companion who remained ill, and that illness was not a sign of hidden sin. God heals according to His wisdom and mercy, not to prove anything.
About the love you feel for a man who is inaccessible, God knows the ache of unreturned or unavailable affection. He created sexual intimacy and the deep desire for companionship to find its fulfillment within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Outside of that covenant He calls His children to purity and to keep the body for Him. That calling is not to punish you but to protect you. Do not ask Him to bless what He has not ordained, but ask Him to align your heart with His will, to guard your heart and mind, to give you contentment and, if it is His will, to provide the right relationship in His time. Surrendering this area to Him is part of finding emotional stability.
You mention that you no longer have strength even to fast and pray, after more than six years of constant prayer and fasting, and that you feel you have fallen into an unprecedented decline since February. When you are depleted, God does not condemn you for lacking strength. Fasting and prayer are precious, but they are not a way to earn His favor. He invites you to rest in His grace and to receive. The ministry of intercessory prayer exists precisely for times like this, when others can carry you in prayer night and day while you have little strength yourself.
You also say you have no one to confide in and that you no longer trust religious leaders because you were deeply hurt in the past, and that you have come to believe things always start well and end badly. People can fail and wound, and that pain is real, but God Himself remains faithful. One day each servant must answer to God for how they served, and He desires ministers who prove themselves by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, by the Holy Spirit and by genuine love, who give no unnecessary offense so the work of God is not blamed. Where people have failed you, God has not.
You ask if you are a coward and if you can still hope for change before the end of this year. You are not a coward for feeling terrified and exhausted. You are a person who has endured much and who is still saying you want to succeed in life and keep trying. That desire to keep going matters. Bring before Him the loss of your training opportunity and ask Him to restore in His way what was lost, trusting His timing rather than demanding a specific outcome.
I am praying for you and your family, asking that the blood of Jesus would cover you, your wounds, and your household, that He would bring healing to your memories and peace to your mind, that He would provide for your financial needs and guide the steps for your business, that He would lead you to trustworthy, Spirit led professional help, that He would lift the shame about your body and give you strength for healthy rhythms, that He would guard your heart in purity and give you hope for the future. May He lift you out of this pit and set your thoughts upon His steadfast love, and may you know that salvation and hope are in Jesus Christ alone, who hears you even now when you feel He is silent.
In the midst of hopelessness the Scripture shows a way out not by denying the pain but by recalling to mind what is still true about God. When everything feels forsaken and God seems distant, hope returns as the mind is renewed on Him, on His faithful love and compassion that do not fail and are new every morning. You can think yourself into deeper despair, and you can also by God's grace set your mind on the Lord and find a new consciousness of hope and victory. That does not happen in a moment, but it is possible, and a radical change is still possible because God Himself does not change.
You have carried very heavy burdens. Grief over the loss of your father, your mother becoming paraplegic, the trauma of sexual abuse, the loss of the opportunity for your driving training with no refund, financial pressure, the struggle to complete the administrative steps for your business after investing so much in training, and the exhaustion that came after years of fervent faith, prayer, fasting and zealous service. To serve with all your heart and then go beyond your limits until you break is a real form of exhaustion. Even those most devoted to the work of God have needed to work with their own hands for many years and to be faithful in small and seemingly insignificant places before God entrusts more. Faithfulness in little things matters to Him, and He is not measuring your worth by financial stability or by whether you have a license or a business launched on time. Your value before Him is not defined by those things.
It is wise that you spoke to your doctor and that he advised seeing a psychiatrist. Please follow that counsel. Seeking qualified professional help is not a lack of faith. The difficulty you name, finding someone who is both professionally competent and guided by the Holy Spirit and able to understand trauma that is hard to explain in human terms, is real, and it is right to ask God to lead you to such help. At the same time continue to ask Him to renew your mind and to heal the places where thoughts and trauma have become so tangled you can no longer separate them. God understands what we cannot fully articulate.
Your struggle with weight, with feeling ashamed of your reflection, with not wanting to be seen in sportswear, with eating when anxious, is also part of this burden. Your body is a member of Christ and created to be used for Him, not for impurity and not as an object of shame. God gave the body and its appetites, but not to be ruled by them. He sees your desire to be healthier and to steward your body well, and He does not despise you for struggling. Shame does not come from Him. Gentle, consistent care for your health, with grace for setbacks, honors Him more than harsh self condemnation. Healing rarely comes through spectacle or show. Even the apostle Paul, through whom many miracles came, prayed for his close companion who remained ill, and that illness was not a sign of hidden sin. God heals according to His wisdom and mercy, not to prove anything.
About the love you feel for a man who is inaccessible, God knows the ache of unreturned or unavailable affection. He created sexual intimacy and the deep desire for companionship to find its fulfillment within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Outside of that covenant He calls His children to purity and to keep the body for Him. That calling is not to punish you but to protect you. Do not ask Him to bless what He has not ordained, but ask Him to align your heart with His will, to guard your heart and mind, to give you contentment and, if it is His will, to provide the right relationship in His time. Surrendering this area to Him is part of finding emotional stability.
You mention that you no longer have strength even to fast and pray, after more than six years of constant prayer and fasting, and that you feel you have fallen into an unprecedented decline since February. When you are depleted, God does not condemn you for lacking strength. Fasting and prayer are precious, but they are not a way to earn His favor. He invites you to rest in His grace and to receive. The ministry of intercessory prayer exists precisely for times like this, when others can carry you in prayer night and day while you have little strength yourself.
You also say you have no one to confide in and that you no longer trust religious leaders because you were deeply hurt in the past, and that you have come to believe things always start well and end badly. People can fail and wound, and that pain is real, but God Himself remains faithful. One day each servant must answer to God for how they served, and He desires ministers who prove themselves by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, by the Holy Spirit and by genuine love, who give no unnecessary offense so the work of God is not blamed. Where people have failed you, God has not.
You ask if you are a coward and if you can still hope for change before the end of this year. You are not a coward for feeling terrified and exhausted. You are a person who has endured much and who is still saying you want to succeed in life and keep trying. That desire to keep going matters. Bring before Him the loss of your training opportunity and ask Him to restore in His way what was lost, trusting His timing rather than demanding a specific outcome.
I am praying for you and your family, asking that the blood of Jesus would cover you, your wounds, and your household, that He would bring healing to your memories and peace to your mind, that He would provide for your financial needs and guide the steps for your business, that He would lead you to trustworthy, Spirit led professional help, that He would lift the shame about your body and give you strength for healthy rhythms, that He would guard your heart in purity and give you hope for the future. May He lift you out of this pit and set your thoughts upon His steadfast love, and may you know that salvation and hope are in Jesus Christ alone, who hears you even now when you feel He is silent.
