Silas
Beloved of All
Your pain has been heard, and the weight you are carrying is real. To be misunderstood and spoken against in two different congregations, to be blamed for problems you did not cause, to have the truth hidden while you are called the problem, and to see serious wrong left unaddressed, would exhaust anyone. It is understandable that you feel you have no strength left, that your body is beyond its limits, that anxiety overwhelms you, and that you long only for rest and healing. You are not a burden for asking for prayer. Your voice does matter to God, and it is right to ask others to join you in prayer when you feel too weak to pray alone.
Scripture speaks of a rest that remains for the people of God. That rest is not something we earn by keeping rules or by striving without end. Trying harder in our own strength, even through fasting and unceasing prayer driven by exhaustion, will never bring the soul into peace. The rest God gives is entering by faith into what Jesus has already finished on the cross. When God finished His work He rested, and He invites you to cease from your own works and to rest in Him in the same way. Your standing before God does not come from your perfection or your effort, but as a gift of His grace received through simple faith in Jesus. All of the blessings He gives come that way, not by works of righteousness but by His mercy.
To labor to enter that rest sounds strange, but it means to make the choice to believe that God loves you, that He is in control of your life even when people fail you and the truth is not seen, and that He wants you to experience His peace. It is the quiet acknowledgment of who He is, His power and His goodness, and saying from the heart, I will rest on You. Often we only learn to rest there when we have come to the end of our own resources, when we know we cannot fix what is broken or make others see what is true. That is not a place of defeat. It is the place where you can learn to place the whole burden on Him and leave it in His hands. He is resting in the finished work of His Son, and He calls you to rest there too.
Your desire to step back for a time to breathe and recover is understandable. God does not measure your faith by constant outward activity or by forcing yourself to do what you have no strength to do in order to stay alive spiritually. He sustains you by His grace. Rest does not mean walking away from Him, but learning to walk with Him without the pressure of striving to prove yourself. He sees what others do not see. Even when every person around you believes a false story, God knows the truth fully. Only He can forgive sin, and only He can bring what is hidden into the light in His time and way.
You mentioned harming yourself to calm anxiety, laughing and crying without control, talking alone, feeling you are losing your mind and that death would be more restful than life, and feeling you have forgotten even your mother's serious illness because this burden is so heavy. Please hear this with care. Those are signs of deep distress that need immediate and ongoing support. You were right to speak to your doctor, and it is important to follow through toward competent help that respects both your medical needs and your faith. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or feel unsafe, please reach out right away to a trusted person near you, to your doctor, or to emergency help in your area, and do not stay alone with those thoughts. You do not have to carry this alone, and seeking help is not a failure of faith. The weapons God gives to stand against the enemy's attacks are spiritual, His Word, faith, and prayer, and He often uses caring people, including counselors and doctors, as part of His provision.
You also shared that you confided in those who then oppressed you, that others outside the church showed you love but you did not share church matters with them, and that you turned to God and felt unprotected and unheard. God has not turned away. He hears even when you feel unheard, and He keeps His promise to supply what you need according to His riches in Christ. When you feel you have nothing left to give, He receives even a small, honest prayer offered with faith.
I am praying for you now, asking God to cover you with the blood of Jesus, to bring deep deliverance and healing to your mind and body and spirit, to guard even your sleep and dreams with His peace, and to transform your life by His grace. I am asking Him to lift the weight of slander and false guilt, to comfort you in loneliness and the feeling of being abandoned and belittled, to calm the uncontrollable anxiety, to protect you from harm, to give you wise and compassionate helpers, and to lead you into His rest where you can cease from striving and simply trust in His finished work. May He show you day by day that you are loved, that your sufficiency is in Him, and that He will take care of what you cannot carry.
Scripture speaks of a rest that remains for the people of God. That rest is not something we earn by keeping rules or by striving without end. Trying harder in our own strength, even through fasting and unceasing prayer driven by exhaustion, will never bring the soul into peace. The rest God gives is entering by faith into what Jesus has already finished on the cross. When God finished His work He rested, and He invites you to cease from your own works and to rest in Him in the same way. Your standing before God does not come from your perfection or your effort, but as a gift of His grace received through simple faith in Jesus. All of the blessings He gives come that way, not by works of righteousness but by His mercy.
To labor to enter that rest sounds strange, but it means to make the choice to believe that God loves you, that He is in control of your life even when people fail you and the truth is not seen, and that He wants you to experience His peace. It is the quiet acknowledgment of who He is, His power and His goodness, and saying from the heart, I will rest on You. Often we only learn to rest there when we have come to the end of our own resources, when we know we cannot fix what is broken or make others see what is true. That is not a place of defeat. It is the place where you can learn to place the whole burden on Him and leave it in His hands. He is resting in the finished work of His Son, and He calls you to rest there too.
Your desire to step back for a time to breathe and recover is understandable. God does not measure your faith by constant outward activity or by forcing yourself to do what you have no strength to do in order to stay alive spiritually. He sustains you by His grace. Rest does not mean walking away from Him, but learning to walk with Him without the pressure of striving to prove yourself. He sees what others do not see. Even when every person around you believes a false story, God knows the truth fully. Only He can forgive sin, and only He can bring what is hidden into the light in His time and way.
You mentioned harming yourself to calm anxiety, laughing and crying without control, talking alone, feeling you are losing your mind and that death would be more restful than life, and feeling you have forgotten even your mother's serious illness because this burden is so heavy. Please hear this with care. Those are signs of deep distress that need immediate and ongoing support. You were right to speak to your doctor, and it is important to follow through toward competent help that respects both your medical needs and your faith. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or feel unsafe, please reach out right away to a trusted person near you, to your doctor, or to emergency help in your area, and do not stay alone with those thoughts. You do not have to carry this alone, and seeking help is not a failure of faith. The weapons God gives to stand against the enemy's attacks are spiritual, His Word, faith, and prayer, and He often uses caring people, including counselors and doctors, as part of His provision.
You also shared that you confided in those who then oppressed you, that others outside the church showed you love but you did not share church matters with them, and that you turned to God and felt unprotected and unheard. God has not turned away. He hears even when you feel unheard, and He keeps His promise to supply what you need according to His riches in Christ. When you feel you have nothing left to give, He receives even a small, honest prayer offered with faith.
I am praying for you now, asking God to cover you with the blood of Jesus, to bring deep deliverance and healing to your mind and body and spirit, to guard even your sleep and dreams with His peace, and to transform your life by His grace. I am asking Him to lift the weight of slander and false guilt, to comfort you in loneliness and the feeling of being abandoned and belittled, to calm the uncontrollable anxiety, to protect you from harm, to give you wise and compassionate helpers, and to lead you into His rest where you can cease from striving and simply trust in His finished work. May He show you day by day that you are loved, that your sufficiency is in Him, and that He will take care of what you cannot carry.
