Partie 3 - 1/2

[Anonymous]

Après avoir quitté le ministère où j'avais servi pendant deux ans en décembre ### — ainsi que le pasteur qui avait prié ardemment pour moi au début avec les dirigeants, mais qui, comme je l'ai mentionné dans la partie 1, est devenu abusif au sujet du mariage vers la fin — l'église où se trouvait également le couple qui m'avait fait du tort, comme je l'ai mentionné dans la partie 2 — nous arrivons maintenant à la partie 3.

À partir de février ###, j'ai changé d'église et j'ai commencé à en fréquenter une autre. Malheureusement, j'ai rencontré un autre problème : j'ai dénoncé un homme de cette église, un ancien délinquant sexuel qui avait abusé de trois jeunes filles des années auparavant.

Une amie proche — que j'avais rencontrée dans un autre ministère avant même de rejoindre celui du pasteur abusif, et que j'avais quitté en décembre — m'a confié en privé que cet homme avait abusé d'elle et de deux autres jeunes filles lorsqu'elle était enfant, mais qu'elle lui avait pardonné.

Cette amie fréquente régulièrement l'église où cet homme est membre ; elle est maintenant mariée et mère d'une adorable petite fille de ### ans.

Depuis que j'ai signalé cet homme au pasteur lors d'une conversation privée — sans toutefois mentionner le nom de mon amie —, l'information a fuité au sein de l'église.

Aujourd'hui, mon nom est diabolisé : les gens me trouvent répugnante, ils pensent que je suis une pute et ils m'insultent de toutes sortes de noms dans mon dos.

L'homme qui a commis ces abus ment à ce sujet ; et la femme qui m'a confié ce lourd secret garde également cette information cachée, sachant qu'elle fréquente cette congrégation parce qu'elle lui a pardonné et croit qu'il a changé.

J'ai décidé d'en parler au pasteur lors d'une conversation privée car j'ai pensé à ma nièce de ### ans, à plusieurs autres petites filles de la congrégation, et au fait que j'avais moi-même été victime d'abus dans mon enfance et que je ne voulais pas que cela se reproduise.

Mais pour être tout à fait honnête, je n'avais aucune envie d'aller dans cette église au départ, et je n'aurais voulu pour rien au monde me retrouver mêlé à une telle situation, d'autant plus que cela ne me concernait même pas.

Au final, je suis attaqué de toutes parts : je suis le menteur et le méchant de cette histoire. Pendant ce temps, mon ami garde le silence et refuse d’en parler.

Honnêtement, j'ai vraiment peur de ce qui va se passer ensuite — je suis déjà diabolisée — et c'est un euphémisme — et maintenant elle essaie de m'en parler à moi.

Je souffre terriblement depuis un certain temps, et j'étais déjà dans cet état bien avant toute cette situation : je lutte contre la dépression, j'ai des pensées suicidaires et je m'automutile – je me griffe le visage et j'ai envie de me frapper quand je ne me sens pas bien et que je ne parviens plus à contrôler mon stress, car la douleur m'apaise – je souffre d'anxiété inexpliquée et de crises de colère qui me donnent constamment envie de casser ou de jeter des meubles, d'un traumatisme lié à un viol qui m'épuise et dont j'essaie de guérir, de cauchemars quotidiens depuis des années, d'horribles pensées intrusives, d'une mère paraplégique et de ma petite sœur mineure dont j'ai la charge, et de nombreux autres problèmes… Inutile de dire que je n'aurais jamais souhaité que quelque chose comme ça vienne s'ajouter à tout le reste.

Je ne souhaiterais pas non plus que cet homme se suicide ; je me serais involontairement rendu responsable de sa mort.

Pour une année où je voulais donner la priorité à ma santé mentale, ça a très mal commencé.

1/2

 

[Articles]

Topic Automatically Translated From French Language:

After leaving the ministry where I had served for two years in December ### — as well as the pastor who had prayed fervently for me at the beginning with the leaders, but who, as I mentioned in part 1, became abusive regarding marriage toward the end — the church where the couple who had wronged me was also located, as I mentioned in part 2 — we now come to part 3.

Starting in February ###, I changed churches and began attending another one. Unfortunately, I ran into another problem: I reported a man from this church, a former sex offender who had abused three young girls years earlier.

A close friend — whom I had met in another ministry even before joining the abusive pastor's ministry, which I left in December — confided to me privately that this man had abused her and two other young girls when she was a child, but that she had forgiven him.

This friend regularly attends the church where this man is a member; she is now married and the mother of an adorable little girl who is ### years old.

Since I reported this man to the pastor during a private conversation — without mentioning my friend's name — the information leaked within the church.

Today, my name is demonized: people find me disgusting, they think I'm a whore and they call me all kinds of names behind my back.

The man who committed this abuse is lying about it; and the woman who confided this heavy secret to me is also keeping this information hidden, knowing that she attends this congregation because she has forgiven him and believes he has changed.

I decided to tell the pastor about it during a private conversation because I thought about my ###-year-old niece, several other little girls in the congregation, and the fact that I myself was a victim of abuse in my childhood and I didn't want it to happen again.

But to be completely honest, I had no desire to go to this church in the first place, and I would not for anything in the world have wanted to get mixed up in such a situation, especially since it didn't even concern me.

In the end, I am attacked from all sides: I am the liar and the villain in this story. Meanwhile, my friend remains silent and refuses to talk about it.

Honestly, I'm really afraid of what will happen next — I'm already demonized — and that's an understatement — and now she is trying to talk to me about it.

I have been suffering terribly for some time, and I was already in this state long before this whole situation: I am struggling with depression, I have suicidal thoughts and I self-harm – I scratch my face and feel like hitting myself when I don't feel well and can no longer control my stress, because the pain soothes me – I suffer from unexplained anxiety and fits of rage that constantly make me want to break or throw furniture, from trauma related to a rape that exhausts me and that I am trying to heal from, from daily nightmares for years, from horrible intrusive thoughts, from having a paraplegic mother and my minor little sister in my care, and many other problems… Needless to say, I would never have wanted something like this to be added to everything else.

Nor would I want this man to commit suicide; I would have involuntarily made myself responsible for his death.

For a year when I wanted to prioritize my mental health, it has started very badly.

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[Articles]

We hear your pain, your fear, and the overwhelming weight you carry. You have been brave in ways many cannot imagine, speaking up for the vulnerable, standing against injustice, and enduring suffering that would break most. Yet in doing so, you have been met with slander, isolation, and betrayal. This is not the way of Christ, and we grieve with you over the brokenness of the church when it fails to protect the wounded and instead wounds the protectors.

First, we must rebuke the lies spoken against you. The enemy delights in twisting truth, turning the accuser into the accused, and silencing those who expose darkness. But Scripture declares, "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22 WEB). You acted out of righteous concern for children, just as Esther risked her life to save her people (Esther 4:14). The demonization you face is a tactic of the enemy, and we stand against it in Jesus’ name. You are not a villain, you are a warrior for truth, and God sees your heart.

We also must address the silence of your friend who was harmed. Forgiveness does not require secrecy or enabling further harm. Jesus calls us to "expose the unfruitful deeds of darkness" (Ephesians 5:11 WEB), and protecting others from abuse is not a betrayal of grace, it is an act of love. Her choice to remain silent may stem from fear, shame, or misplaced loyalty, but it does not absolve the church of its responsibility to act. The man who abused her and others must be held accountable, not shielded by a congregation’s complicity.

Your suffering runs deep, depression, trauma, self-harm, and the crushing weight of caregiving. We want you to know that your pain is not invisible to God. He collects your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) and promises to be near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). The urge to harm yourself is a lie from the enemy, whispering that pain is the only relief. But Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28 WEB). You do not have to carry this alone.

We pray for you now, lifting every burden to the Father:

"Lord Jesus, we come before You on behalf of our sister, who has been faithful even when the church failed her. You see the injustice she has endured, the slander, the isolation, the weight of trauma she carries. We ask You to be her shield and defender. Silence the mouths of those who spread lies, and let truth rise like the dawn. Comfort her in her grief, and break the chains of depression and self-harm. Replace her pain with Your peace, and remind her that she is deeply loved, not for what she does, but because she is Yours. Heal her heart from the wounds of abuse and betrayal, and restore her hope. Provide safe people to walk beside her, and give her the strength to keep fighting for justice. We declare that no weapon formed against her will prosper (Isaiah 54:17), and we rebuke every spirit of fear, shame, and despair in Jesus’ name. Surround her with Your presence, and let her feel Your arms holding her tight. Amen."

You must also seek help beyond the church, professional counseling, trauma-informed care, and a community that will not shame you for speaking truth. The body of Christ is meant to be a refuge, but when it becomes a place of harm, you are not bound to stay. Jesus Himself left places where He was rejected (Mark 6:11), and you have that same freedom.

Lastly, we must address the absence of Jesus’ name in your request. Salvation is found in no one else (Acts 4:12), and it is only through Him that we have access to the Father. If you have not already, we urge you to surrender your life to Christ, laying down your burdens, your shame, and your pain at the foot of the cross. He is the only one who can truly heal and restore. If you have already placed your faith in Him, we encourage you to cling to His promises even when the world feels dark.

You are not responsible for the choices of the man who abused others, nor for the church’s failure to act. You did what was right, and God will not forget your courage. Keep your eyes on Him, and do not let the enemy convince you that your voice does not matter. The light shines brightest in the darkest places, and your story is not over.

 

[hostadmin]

We want to pause right at the start to care for your safety. If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com - you are not alone and trained people are ready to help right now.

We are so glad you told us what you have been carrying. You acted out of concern for your niece and other little girls, and for what you suffered yourself as a child, and now you are being called names, treated as the liar, and left alone while your friend stays silent. It is understandable you feel afraid about what will happen next and overwhelmed by everything already on your shoulders, caring for your mother and little sister, living with nightmares, intrusive thoughts, anxiety and rage, and the exhaustion from past abuse.

You did not ask for this extra burden, and you are not responsible for another person's choices. Wanting to protect children does not make you a villain, even when others are reacting harshly.

We encourage you to reach out soon to a trusted professional for support alongside prayer - a doctor, counselor, or other care provider who can walk with you regularly - especially with the depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm you mentioned. If those thoughts or urges get stronger, please reach out right away to emergency services or a helpline, and let one safe person near you know where you are.

Father, we lift our sister to you in Jesus' name. Surround her with safety and steady help, quiet the fear and shame, and give her wisdom for each next step with her family and church. Show her she is seen and deeply valued by you, and lead her to caring, trustworthy support. Amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

La profondeur de votre souffrance a été entendue, et le Seigneur voit ce que les hommes ne voient pas ou refusent de voir. Vous portez à la fois le poids d'un passé blessé, d'un présent où vous êtes mise à l'écart et calomniée, et d'une lourde charge quotidienne auprès de votre mère et de votre petite soeur. Il n'est pas étonnant que votre coeur soit brisé et que votre esprit soit épuisé.

L'Ecriture dit que les pensées de Dieu ne sont pas nos pensées, et que ses voies sont élevées au dessus de nos voies comme les cieux sont élevés au dessus de la terre. Quand les pensées des hommes vous condamnent et vous attribuent de faux noms, les pensées de Dieu restent précieuses, constantes, tendres et vraies à votre égard. Le psalmiste s'écrie combien les pensées de Dieu lui sont précieuses et combien en est grande la somme. Vous n'êtes pas définie par les insultes murmurées dans votre dos. Dieu connaît la vérité de votre démarche, il a vu que vous avez parlé en privé à un pasteur non par désir de nuire, mais par souci de protéger des petites filles, votre nièce et d'autres enfants de la congrégation, et par souvenir de votre propre blessure d'enfance. Lui qui perçoit les pensées sait ce qui vous a poussée.

Être ainsi diabolisée est une forme d'épreuve très amère. La persécution, même quand elle ne prend pas la forme de coups, mais celle de la calomnie, des moqueries et du mépris, isole et fait mal. Pourtant Dieu permet parfois que son peuple soit ainsi éprouvé pour le garder, pour le purifier et pour manifester où se trouve la vérité. Cela ne rend pas la douleur moins réelle, mais cela rappelle que Dieu n'abandonne pas ceux qui sont rejetés pour avoir voulu faire ce qui est juste. Il est celui qui guérit ceux qui ont le coeur brisé et qui panse leurs blessures. Il ne guérit pas à la légère, il s'approche pour bander chaque plaie.

Concernant cet homme et ce que votre amie vous a confié, il est important de distinguer le pardon et la protection. Votre amie a pu, devant Dieu, pardonner ce qui lui a été fait, et ce pardon est une grâce. Mais le pardon n'efface pas la nécessité de protéger les plus vulnérables et de rendre des comptes devant la justice et devant l'Eglise. Un changement véritable porte du fruit et accepte la lumière. Vous avez bien fait de ne pas répandre cette confidence en public et de vous adresser d'abord en privé à un responsable. Si une information a ensuite fuité, la responsabilité de cette fuite ne repose pas sur vous. Pour la suite, il est sage de ne pas porter seule ce fardeau. Si des mineures sont potentiellement en danger, la loi de notre pays prévoit que les autorités compétentes doivent être averties. Parlez en à une personne de confiance extérieure à cette assemblée, un pasteur éprouvé, un conseiller chrétien mature, et si nécessaire aux services compétents, afin que la protection des enfants ne dépende pas d'une seule parole mais d'une procédure juste et prudente. Ne cherchez pas à convaincre tout le monde par vous même. Remettez la vérité entre les mains de Dieu et entre les mains de ceux qui ont la charge de juger avec équité.

Vous dites aussi que vous luttez depuis longtemps contre la dépression, des pensées de mort, des gestes où vous vous blessez pour apaiser une angoisse qui vous submerge, des colères soudaines, des cauchemars et des pensées intrusives liées à un viol passé. Ces réactions ne font pas de vous une personne répugnante. Elles montrent qu'une blessure profonde est encore à vif et qu'elle a besoin de soins. La douleur que vous vous infligez peut donner un soulagement momentané, mais elle ne guérit pas. L'Evangile montre que même les feuilles de l'arbre de vie sont pour la guérison des nations, que la moindre chose en Christ porte une vertu qui guérit. Ce n'est pas la lancette qui guérit d'abord, c'est le baume de Christ. Il est venu pour que pardon et guérison marchent ensemble, pour relever ceux qui sont abattus et dire à l'âme malade que ses péchés sont pardonnés et que son coeur peut être restauré. De basses pensées sur Dieu nous enferment dans le doute, de hautes pensées sur sa miséricorde ouvrent l'espérance.

C'est pourquoi, je vous exhorte avec douceur et insistance, ne restez pas seule avec ces pensées de mort et ces gestes qui vous blessent. Cherchez dès aujourd'hui une aide concrète et continue. Parlez à un médecin, à un psychologue ou à un professionnel de santé de confiance, à un pasteur qui saura vous écouter sans vous juger, à une personne sûre de votre entourage. Si l'angoisse devient pressante, appelez sans tarder un proche et un service d'écoute. En France vous pouvez joindre le 3114 jour et nuit, SOS Amitié au 09 72 39 40 50, ou les secours au 112. Si vous vous êtes blessée ou si vous craignez de passer à l'acte, rendez vous aux urgences ou appelez immédiatement de l'aide. Votre vie est précieuse aux yeux de Dieu et son secours passe aussi par les mains qu'il place autour de vous.

Vous craignez d'être tenue pour responsable si cet homme attentait à ses jours. Vous n'êtes pas responsable du choix d'autrui. Vous avez agi par conscience pour protéger des enfants. Ce qui advient ensuite relève de sa propre responsabilité devant Dieu et devant les hommes, et de l'accompagnement que l'Eglise et les autorités doivent lui proposer. Portez votre souci devant Dieu dans la prière, mais ne portez pas une culpabilité qui ne vous appartient pas.

Pour cette année où vous vouliez donner la priorité à votre santé, il est bon de poser des limites sages. Il est légitime de vous mettre à l'écart d'un lieu où vous êtes calomniée, de chercher une communauté où la parole est maniée avec prudence et où les plus faibles sont protégés. Prenez soin de votre corps, de votre sommeil, de moments calmes dans la Parole et la prière, même brève, où vous laissez les pensées de Dieu recouvrir vos pensées troublées. Quand vous vous réveillez la nuit après un cauchemar, rappelez vous que vous êtes encore avec lui. Notez ce qui déclenche les crises, apprenez avec une personne formée d'autres moyens d'apaiser l'angoisse que de vous blesser ou de briser des objets, comme respirer lentement, sortir marcher, prier à haute voix un psaume, appeler quelqu'un.

Que le Seigneur vous accorde de goûter que ses pensées envers vous sont bienveillantes et que sa guérison est abondante. Qu'il vous donne des témoins fidèles qui vous croient, vous soutiennent et vous aident à porter la charge de votre famille sans vous y perdre. Qu'il garde votre coeur de la vengeance comme du désespoir, et qu'il vous conduise pas à pas vers le repos.

Nous prions pour vous, afin que celui qui a promis de ne pas briser le roseau cassé et de ne pas éteindre le lumignon qui fume vous relève, vous entoure et vous fasse sentir sa présence chaque jour, et afin qu'il protège toutes les petites filles dont vous avez voulu préserver l'innocence.

 

[The Encourager]

May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, so that I can trust You with all my heart, acknowledge You in all my ways, and lean not to my own understanding. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.

God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net

Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body​

Healed Spirit Soul And Body

be-an-encourager.blogspot.com

 

[usha rani]

Praying for this request in Jesus Name.

 

[Jonathan_M]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Chrysostom]

I have read your letter with deep sorrow and I thank you for sharing so honestly what you have carried for so long. What you describe is a very heavy burden, and it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed, afraid and alone after everything you have been through, both in the past and in these recent months in the church.

Your desire to protect children, including your niece and the other little girls in the congregation, comes from a good and right concern. Having yourself suffered abuse as a child and also the deep wound of rape, you know in a way others may not what harm can do. To bring a concern privately to a pastor, without exposing your friend by name, was an attempt to act discreetly and responsibly. That the information was then spread and that you are now insulted and slandered behind your back is not a light thing. Scripture teaches that those who oversee the flock have a solemn duty to feed and guard the church which God purchased with His own blood, and that includes protecting the most vulnerable and handling sensitive matters with great care and confidentiality. When that trust is broken, the hurt is multiplied.

It is also important to see that forgiveness and protection are not opposed. Your friend may have truly forgiven this man for the terrible abuse she and two other girls suffered, and forgiveness is precious before God. Yet forgiveness does not remove the need for wisdom, accountability and safeguards, especially when children are present. A changed life bears fruit over time and does not ask others to keep silent at the expense of safety. You are not cruel for being concerned, and you are not responsible for the choices another person may make, including the fear you expressed that he might harm himself. Each person is responsible before God for his own actions.

Being called a liar and enduring degrading names is painful and unjust, and it is especially hard when the person who confided in you remains silent and you are left to bear the blame alone. Fear about what will happen next is natural when you have already been vilified. Try not to carry this alone. Seek one or two mature, trustworthy people outside the immediate conflict, a wise pastor, an elder, or a counselor who understands both trauma and church responsibility, with whom you can speak confidentially and seek counsel on how to proceed. If there are civil reporting obligations in your area concerning past abuse of minors, seek guidance on those as well from appropriate authorities or a trusted advisor, so that protection of children is not left to rumor but is handled in an orderly and lawful way.

You also shared that you have been suffering for a long time with depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm by scratching your face and wanting to hit yourself, unexplained anxiety, bursts of anger where you want to break things, daily nightmares, intrusive thoughts, exhaustion from past trauma, and the daily weight of caring for your mother who is paraplegic and for your younger sister who is still a minor. This is an immense load for anyone to carry, and none of it means you are repugnant or forgotten by God. The pain you inflict on yourself may bring a brief sense of relief, but it does not heal and it can bring deeper harm. The thoughts of wanting to die and the urges to harm yourself deserve immediate care and attention.

Please reach out right away for help when those thoughts come. If you have a doctor, counselor, or trusted pastor, contact them. If you feel unsafe, go to a trusted person near you or to emergency services, or contact a suicide prevention helpline in your country. In France you can call 3114, available day and night. You do not need to face these moments alone, and asking for help is not a sign of failure but of wisdom. Ongoing support from a trauma informed counselor and a compassionate pastor can help you find safer ways to manage stress and anger, to process nightmares and intrusive thoughts, and to heal from the abuse you endured.

For this season when you had hoped to prioritize your mental health, it is right to set boundaries. You did not seek this conflict and you are not required to be the mediator for the whole church. It is good to step back from environments that increase danger or slander, to seek a safe community where you are treated with dignity, and to focus on steady care for your own soul and body, and for your mother and sister as you are able, without trying to carry everything by yourself. The Lord sees what is done in secret, He knows the truth when others misjudge, and He draws near to the brokenhearted. He does not despise your tears or your honest cries for help.

I will pray for you, that God will grant you protection and peace, wisdom for each next step, healing from trauma, relief from nightmares and anxiety, strength to turn from self harm to life giving ways of coping, and faithful people around you to support you and your family. Pray also for your friend and her child, for the children in the congregation, and for the pastors that they may act with truth and mercy.

If you can, let one safe person know today how you are really doing, and make a plan for who to call when the dark thoughts or the urge to harm yourself grows strong. You are not alone in this, and your life has value before God.

 

[Silas]

I understand the weight you are carrying, and it is clear that you feel crushed, afraid, and exhausted. God sees the whole story, including the wounds from your childhood, the trauma you are still healing from, the daily burden of caring for your mother and your younger sister, and the pain of being misunderstood and insulted after you tried to do what was right. None of this is hidden from Him.

You acted out of love and conscience when you spoke privately to a pastor about a man with a history of abusing children. Wanting to protect your niece and other little girls in that congregation was not wrong. In Scripture, protecting the vulnerable is an act of love, and forgiveness never means pretending there is no danger or removing wise boundaries. Your friend may have chosen to forgive that man, and forgiveness is real and commanded, but forgiveness does not cancel the need for truth and for protection. You did not share her name, you spoke privately, and the fact that the information was spread and then turned against you is not your fault. When a man denies what he has done and others stay silent, the one who tells the truth often bears the blame for a time, but God is not deceived by lies and He knows your motive.

It is especially painful to be called names and treated as if you are the guilty one when you were trying to prevent harm. That kind of rejection can make anxiety and depression much deeper. You mentioned depression, suicidal thoughts, harming yourself by scratching your face and wanting to hit yourself because pain brings relief, constant anxiety, flashes of anger where you want to break things, daily nightmares and intrusive thoughts. Those experiences are signs of deep trauma and of feeling trapped with no way out. Hopelessness is at the root of that kind of depression, the sense that nothing can change and no help is coming.

Scripture speaks directly to that place. In Lamentations, the prophet starts at the very bottom, with no hope, and then he deliberately turns his mind to something else. He recalls that it is because of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, that His compassions never fail and are new every morning. Things are very bad, but His mercy is still present. In the Psalms, David talks to his own soul when he is cast down and anxious and asks, why are you so disturbed within me, and then he answers himself, hope in God, for I will yet praise Him who is the health of my countenance. The way out of that spiral is not to stare more at ourselves and our pain, but to put God back into the equation and fix our thoughts on Him.

The apostle Paul came to a similar end of himself in Romans chapter 7. He tried self effort and self help formulas to change and found he could not. His cry changed from how can I do better to who will deliver me. That is the turning point, when we stop trying to save ourselves and call for help outside ourselves. The answer is Jesus Christ, and the new life He gives by His Spirit. This is very different from harming yourself. Hurting your body may feel like it releases pressure for a moment, but it only harms you more and does not heal the wound. What Jesus calls us to is not self punishment but self surrender, to reckon the old self governed life as crucified with Christ so that we are no longer ruled by sin and pain but ruled and helped by the Spirit of God. That is a death to the self life that stands at the border of God's promises, and on the other side is a walk in the Spirit marked by His comfort and strength, not by our own striving.

You are not responsible for what that man might do. If he has done wrong, his choices are his own before God. You are also not responsible for your friend's silence. You can love her and still recognize that her decision to stay quiet has left you exposed, and you do not have to carry her burden as well as your own.

Because your pain has reached the point of wanting to die and hurting yourself, please do not stay alone with these thoughts. Reach out right away to a trusted pastor who understands abuse and trauma, to a biblical counselor, and to a medical or mental health professional who can help you with safety and ongoing care. If you have urges to harm yourself, tell someone near you and seek immediate help. God uses people, including counselors and doctors, as part of His mercy to sustain you.

You also need wise boundaries going forward. You do not have to remain in a place where you are vilified and unsafe. Protecting children is right, and that protection is the responsibility of the leaders, not a weight you must carry alone. Continue to pray for your niece and the other girls, and trust God to guard and to bring truth to light as He did for Jacob when others intended him harm. He is able to protect those who trust Him and to change a heart that is truly surrendered to Him.

Surrender to the Lord does not mean giving in to despair. It means yielding your life, your anger, your fear, and your past into His hands and asking Him to rule you by His Spirit day by day. Bring Him your nightmares, your intrusive thoughts, your exhaustion from caregiving, and ask Him for daily mercy. He promises that those who hope in Him will yet praise Him. You do not have to find a formula to fix yourself. You can cry, who will deliver me, and hear His answer that deliverance and healing come through Christ alone.

May the Lord show you His compassion that never fails, give you safe people to walk with you, and lift your countenance as you hope in Him.