Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your honesty before God has been heard, and the pain and exhaustion you describe over these years is taken seriously. Your longing for intimacy with God and to walk in His way is clear, and God does not despise a heart that turns to Him in truth, even when it is weary and frustrated.
Scripture teaches that our hope rests not in our own strength or in any technique, but in the blood of Jesus Christ. Without shedding of blood there is no remission, and this is the blood of the New Testament which is shed for the remission of sins. In Christ we have been given a baptism for remission of sins and deliverance, an inheritance of the kingdom, and the promise of numberless good things, and He has shed abroad His Spirit into our hearts. This is the ground of our confidence. Through His incarnation He accomplished two great things for us, deliverance from evil and supply of good, deliverance from the curse and promotion to sonship, so that we might receive the Spirit of adoption and put on Christ.
That is why we can draw near to God even now, not with the body only but also with the mind, to fall at His knees for remission of sins, for deliverance, for escape from punishment and for attaining to the good things He has promised. He dwells in light no one can approach, and yet He invites us to come with gentleness and meekness because of what Christ has done. O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God, that He should make such a way for us.
In that light, I want to speak plainly and with care about what you describe.
Nocturnal emissions that happen while you are asleep are involuntary. They are not in themselves a willful act of sexual immorality, though they can leave you feeling physically and mentally depleted and spiritually oppressed, as you describe. What matters before God is how we respond when we are awake, what we choose to set before our eyes and do with our bodies. God calls all of us to flee sexual immorality and to honor Him with our bodies, and He has set sex and living together within the lifelong covenant of marriage of one man and one woman. Pornography and masturbation, even when used to cope with frustration or intrusive thoughts, are not the path to relief. They may bring momentary release but they deepen shame, strengthen oppressive thought patterns, and train the mind away from purity. Like a self chosen madness they make the mouth and eyes and whole person a sewer rather than a temple of the Holy Spirit. Repentance means turning away from these practices, not because God stops loving you when you fail, but because they are contrary to His design for your good.
You have already taken important steps in repenting of new age practices, yoga and other things you were exposed to, and in turning to Christ in faith and baptism. That repentance is right. Continue to renounce those former ways clearly before God, not as a ritual to earn power, but as a settled decision to belong wholly to Christ. Fasting and prayer, praying in the Spirit, and reading Scripture as you have done are good disciplines when they are ways of humbling ourselves and seeking God, not ways of forcing Him to act on our schedule. Your perseverance in them is not unseen.
For the stubborn pattern you describe, consider these steps as you continue to seek the Lord:
1. Bring this struggle into the light with a trusted pastor or mature believer in your local church for ongoing confession, prayer and accountability. Isolation gives intrusive thoughts more power. Grace is one and the same to all, and remission is one and the same, and God often brings deliverance through the prayer and support of the body of Christ.
2. Guard what you take in. Put firm boundaries on internet and media use, including filters and accountability software, and make a plan for what you will do when intrusive thoughts or urges come, such as praying Scripture, calling a brother, or leaving the space you are in. Memorize passages that renew your mind and speak of your identity as a son through Christ.
3. Care for your body as part of stewardship. The fatigue, brain fog, burning eyes and voice changes you describe after these nights are distressing and have lasted for years. It is wise to have a medical evaluation to rule out sleep or other physical contributors, while you also continue to seek spiritual care. Lack of sleep alone can make irritability, anxiety and a downcast spirit much worse.
4. When you fall, do not stay down and do not turn to the same sin to cope. Confess quickly, receive again the forgiveness that is already secured by Christ, and get up to walk forward. There is remission for those who repent and turn to Him. Do not let the enemy convince you that God has abandoned you or that your love for Him is wasted. The fact that you hate the sin and love God is evidence that His Spirit is at work in you.
5. If thoughts of wanting God to take your life return, please reach out immediately to a pastor, counselor or trusted person near you, and if you ever feel unsafe, seek help right away. Your life is precious to God and He has purpose for you. He is not distant in your frustration. He is near to those who call on Him in truth.
I will pray for you now, not to bless what God calls sin, but to ask for what He delights to give.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ Your Son, whose blood was shed for the remission of sins, have mercy on Your child who loves You and wants to walk in Your way. Grant deliverance from evil and supply of good. Pour Your Spirit into his heart afresh, teach him to put on Christ and to live as a son by adoption. Forgive his sins, cleanse him from all unrighteousness, and break the power of every oppressive thought and dream. Give him a clear mind, restful sleep, strength to flee sexual immorality, and a renewed perception of Your love. Lift his downcast spirit, steady his voice and body, and lead him into fellowship where he can be known, prayed for and encouraged. Teach him to fall before You in body and mind, to receive Your gentleness, and to be raised up by Your hand. Let Your love, which sent Jesus and raised Him from the dead, be his daily strength. Amen.
Continue to seek Him daily in Scripture, in honest prayer, and in the fellowship of the church. If these attacks continue frequently, keep pressing in with your pastor for prayer and counsel, and do not give up. God is faithful, and He who promised is able to keep you and to complete the good work He has begun.
Scripture teaches that our hope rests not in our own strength or in any technique, but in the blood of Jesus Christ. Without shedding of blood there is no remission, and this is the blood of the New Testament which is shed for the remission of sins. In Christ we have been given a baptism for remission of sins and deliverance, an inheritance of the kingdom, and the promise of numberless good things, and He has shed abroad His Spirit into our hearts. This is the ground of our confidence. Through His incarnation He accomplished two great things for us, deliverance from evil and supply of good, deliverance from the curse and promotion to sonship, so that we might receive the Spirit of adoption and put on Christ.
That is why we can draw near to God even now, not with the body only but also with the mind, to fall at His knees for remission of sins, for deliverance, for escape from punishment and for attaining to the good things He has promised. He dwells in light no one can approach, and yet He invites us to come with gentleness and meekness because of what Christ has done. O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God, that He should make such a way for us.
In that light, I want to speak plainly and with care about what you describe.
Nocturnal emissions that happen while you are asleep are involuntary. They are not in themselves a willful act of sexual immorality, though they can leave you feeling physically and mentally depleted and spiritually oppressed, as you describe. What matters before God is how we respond when we are awake, what we choose to set before our eyes and do with our bodies. God calls all of us to flee sexual immorality and to honor Him with our bodies, and He has set sex and living together within the lifelong covenant of marriage of one man and one woman. Pornography and masturbation, even when used to cope with frustration or intrusive thoughts, are not the path to relief. They may bring momentary release but they deepen shame, strengthen oppressive thought patterns, and train the mind away from purity. Like a self chosen madness they make the mouth and eyes and whole person a sewer rather than a temple of the Holy Spirit. Repentance means turning away from these practices, not because God stops loving you when you fail, but because they are contrary to His design for your good.
You have already taken important steps in repenting of new age practices, yoga and other things you were exposed to, and in turning to Christ in faith and baptism. That repentance is right. Continue to renounce those former ways clearly before God, not as a ritual to earn power, but as a settled decision to belong wholly to Christ. Fasting and prayer, praying in the Spirit, and reading Scripture as you have done are good disciplines when they are ways of humbling ourselves and seeking God, not ways of forcing Him to act on our schedule. Your perseverance in them is not unseen.
For the stubborn pattern you describe, consider these steps as you continue to seek the Lord:
1. Bring this struggle into the light with a trusted pastor or mature believer in your local church for ongoing confession, prayer and accountability. Isolation gives intrusive thoughts more power. Grace is one and the same to all, and remission is one and the same, and God often brings deliverance through the prayer and support of the body of Christ.
2. Guard what you take in. Put firm boundaries on internet and media use, including filters and accountability software, and make a plan for what you will do when intrusive thoughts or urges come, such as praying Scripture, calling a brother, or leaving the space you are in. Memorize passages that renew your mind and speak of your identity as a son through Christ.
3. Care for your body as part of stewardship. The fatigue, brain fog, burning eyes and voice changes you describe after these nights are distressing and have lasted for years. It is wise to have a medical evaluation to rule out sleep or other physical contributors, while you also continue to seek spiritual care. Lack of sleep alone can make irritability, anxiety and a downcast spirit much worse.
4. When you fall, do not stay down and do not turn to the same sin to cope. Confess quickly, receive again the forgiveness that is already secured by Christ, and get up to walk forward. There is remission for those who repent and turn to Him. Do not let the enemy convince you that God has abandoned you or that your love for Him is wasted. The fact that you hate the sin and love God is evidence that His Spirit is at work in you.
5. If thoughts of wanting God to take your life return, please reach out immediately to a pastor, counselor or trusted person near you, and if you ever feel unsafe, seek help right away. Your life is precious to God and He has purpose for you. He is not distant in your frustration. He is near to those who call on Him in truth.
I will pray for you now, not to bless what God calls sin, but to ask for what He delights to give.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ Your Son, whose blood was shed for the remission of sins, have mercy on Your child who loves You and wants to walk in Your way. Grant deliverance from evil and supply of good. Pour Your Spirit into his heart afresh, teach him to put on Christ and to live as a son by adoption. Forgive his sins, cleanse him from all unrighteousness, and break the power of every oppressive thought and dream. Give him a clear mind, restful sleep, strength to flee sexual immorality, and a renewed perception of Your love. Lift his downcast spirit, steady his voice and body, and lead him into fellowship where he can be known, prayed for and encouraged. Teach him to fall before You in body and mind, to receive Your gentleness, and to be raised up by Your hand. Let Your love, which sent Jesus and raised Him from the dead, be his daily strength. Amen.
Continue to seek Him daily in Scripture, in honest prayer, and in the fellowship of the church. If these attacks continue frequently, keep pressing in with your pastor for prayer and counsel, and do not give up. God is faithful, and He who promised is able to keep you and to complete the good work He has begun.
