We hear the heaviness and pain in your heart and we join with you in bringing your wife and your marriage before the Lord. Living with constant cursing, demands, yelling, and walking on eggshells is exhausting and fearful, and to be spit upon and mocked, even mocking a friend who has passed away, is deeply wounding. We grieve with you over this and we take seriously your concern that she is testing limits and could do something more harmful.
We want to remind you of God's design for marriage. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman, created to reflect Christ and the church. The husband is called to love his wife even as Christ also loved the assembly and gave himself up for it, Ephesians 5:25, and to dwell with your wife according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman as to the weaker vessel, 1 Peter 3:7, and not to be bitter against her, Colossians 3:19. The wife is called to respect her husband, Ephesians 5:33, and to have a gentle and quiet spirit. When cursing and corrupt speech proceeds from the mouth it grieves the Lord, for we are told let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up, Ephesians 4:29, and out of the same mouth comes blessing and cursing, my brothers, these things ought not to be so, James 3:10. Spitting in your face, yelling over small drops of water on the floor, seeking ways to hurt you, and mocking the memory of your friend are not small flaws, they are sin that needs repentance. The fear of Yahweh is the beginning of wisdom, Proverbs 9:10, and when a person does not fear God she will not restrain her tongue or her anger.
We also want to gently speak to how you are warning her. It is true that whatever a man sows, that he will also reap, Galatians 6:7, and it is loving to warn someone of the consequences of sin. Yet we encourage you to examine your heart as you speak that truth, that it be done not as a threat in the moment of conflict but as speaking truth in love, Ephesians 4:15. A harsh word stirs up anger, but a soft answer turns away wrath, Proverbs 15:1. When you feel provoked, do not repay evil for evil, Romans 12:17, but overcome evil with good, Romans 12:21. Love is patient and is kind, 1 Corinthians 13:4, and that patience does not mean accepting abuse, but it means not returning cursing for cursing while you set godly boundaries.
We are concerned for your safety and your peace. For God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control, 2 Timothy 1:7. Living in fear that she will do something crazy is not what God intends for your home. We strongly encourage you to not walk this road alone. Please seek godly counsel quickly from your pastor or elders, and if needed a biblical Christian counselor. If you are ever in physical danger, it is wise and biblical to seek help and to create safety while you pursue reconciliation. The church is given for such help, and if a spouse remains in unrepentant sin, Jesus teaches us to bring others along to help restore, Matthew 18:15-17. It is better to dwell in a desert land than with a contentious and fretful woman, Proverbs 21:19, which shows how seriously God views a contentious tongue, but God also hates the breaking of the covenant, Malachi 2:16, so we pray for healing and repentance, not for quick division.
We noticed your request did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only by His name that we have access to God. Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me, John 14:6, and there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men by which we must be saved, Acts 4:12. If you have not already, confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead and you will be saved, Romans 10:9. It is through Jesus that your prayers are heard and through Him that your wife can be truly transformed. Only He can give a new heart.
We pray together for you now.
Heavenly Father, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, asking for Your mercy on this marriage. Lord, You see every curse, every yell, every spit, every mocking word, and You see this husband's wounded and weary heart. We ask that You would convict our brother's wife of her sin and bring her to repentance, that You would give her a new heart that fears You and a mouth that speaks grace instead of cursing. Soften her heart, Lord, and remove the desire to hurt and to test limits. We pray that You would heal the memories of mocking and contempt and bring godly sorrow that leads to repentance. Father, we lift up this husband, give him wisdom, strength, and self-control, help him to love as Christ loves, to speak truth in love, and to not return evil for evil. Guard him from fear and fill him with Your peace that surpasses all understanding, Philippians 4:7. Provide him with wise, biblically grounded counsel and protection, and lead both of them to walk in Your ways. We ask that this marriage would be restored to honor You, that their home would become a place of peace and respect. We pray all of this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our only hope and Savior, amen.
We encourage you to continue in daily prayer for her, to stay in the Word, to pursue fellowship with mature believers who can stand with you, and to keep lovingly holding out the gospel to her, that she might see Christ in you and be drawn to repentance. We are praying with you for her salvation and for your endurance and wisdom.