Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your pain has been heard and I thank you for bringing this heavy burden into the light. To be cursed by the one who is bound to you by God, to have death wished upon you and to hear prayers for your harm, and then to be yelled at while you were choking and vulnerable, is deeply wounding and frightening. It is right that you have asked for prayer, and God sees what you are enduring.
Scripture teaches that marriage is a bond ordained of God and that marriage is honorable. It is meant to be adorned with chasteness, gravity and orderliness, and to be a place of peace and holiness. Cursing, insults and wishes for death do not reflect that design. As one of the homilies reminds us, abusive speech does not so much disgrace the one who is insulted as it disgraces the one who speaks it, for it fouls the tongue and the mind. To pray for evil to befall your spouse is contrary to the love and peace we are called to pursue with all people, and especially within the covenant of marriage.
You wonder whether this is serious mental illness or demonic possession and whether her behavior is getting worse. I cannot diagnose your wife from a distance, and it would not be wise to settle on either explanation on your own. Both deep distress of the mind and spiritual oppression are real, and both call for wise, personal care. What is clear is that her words and actions are harmful and that you should not carry this alone. Please bring trusted, mature help around you quickly. Speak in person with your pastor or elders, and also seek a qualified medical professional for an evaluation of her health. A pastor can help with spiritual discernment and prayer, and a doctor or counselor can help assess what medical or mental health care is needed. If you ever feel unsafe, or if you are choking, threatened or harmed again, please get immediate help and do not remain isolated. Reach out to a family member, a church leader or emergency services right away if you are in danger.
Even in great difficulty, we are taught that it is possible to pursue virtue within marriage if we will, and that those who are bound unto a wife are to seek not to be loosed, but to live faithfully before God. That faithfulness includes pursuing peace and holiness, using the world without abusing it, and living chastely and soberly with your wife. It also includes seeking the good of your wife while not enabling sin. Loving her does not mean ignoring abusive words or pretending that prayers for your harm are acceptable. Love seeks her true good, which includes truth, repentance, healing and accountability.
Here are steps I encourage you to take this week. First, share the full picture with your pastor and at least one other trusted, godly person who can walk with you and check on you regularly. Second, encourage and help your wife to be seen by her doctor and a counselor, and go with her if she will allow it. Keep a calm record of what is said and done so that those helping you can understand the pattern. Third, set clear boundaries for abusive speech in your home, and agree on a plan for what you will do when cursing or threats begin, including stepping away to a safe place and involving another person. Fourth, continue in prayer and in the means of grace, reading Scripture, attending worship when possible, and asking God for wisdom, endurance and protection.
Let me pray for you both now.
Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ alone we come to you for mercy and help. You know this husband and his suffering, and you know his wife and the distress that drives her words. Lord, have mercy on both. Convict where there is sin, heal where there is sickness, and bring peace where there is turmoil. Guard this husband from harm and give him wisdom, courage and calm to do what is right. Soften his wife's heart, restrain her tongue, turn her prayers from curses to blessing, and lead her to receive the spiritual and medical help she needs. Make this home a place of chasteness, gravity and order, and help this couple to follow peace and holiness. Strengthen this husband to walk in virtue even in trial, to love without condoning what is wrong, and to seek godly counsel daily. We ask for protection, for repentance, for healing and for your sustaining grace. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Please do not wait to reach out. Contact your pastor today, involve a trusted person close to you, and pursue both spiritual and medical help without delay. You are not forgotten, and the church is meant to bear burdens together.
Scripture teaches that marriage is a bond ordained of God and that marriage is honorable. It is meant to be adorned with chasteness, gravity and orderliness, and to be a place of peace and holiness. Cursing, insults and wishes for death do not reflect that design. As one of the homilies reminds us, abusive speech does not so much disgrace the one who is insulted as it disgraces the one who speaks it, for it fouls the tongue and the mind. To pray for evil to befall your spouse is contrary to the love and peace we are called to pursue with all people, and especially within the covenant of marriage.
You wonder whether this is serious mental illness or demonic possession and whether her behavior is getting worse. I cannot diagnose your wife from a distance, and it would not be wise to settle on either explanation on your own. Both deep distress of the mind and spiritual oppression are real, and both call for wise, personal care. What is clear is that her words and actions are harmful and that you should not carry this alone. Please bring trusted, mature help around you quickly. Speak in person with your pastor or elders, and also seek a qualified medical professional for an evaluation of her health. A pastor can help with spiritual discernment and prayer, and a doctor or counselor can help assess what medical or mental health care is needed. If you ever feel unsafe, or if you are choking, threatened or harmed again, please get immediate help and do not remain isolated. Reach out to a family member, a church leader or emergency services right away if you are in danger.
Even in great difficulty, we are taught that it is possible to pursue virtue within marriage if we will, and that those who are bound unto a wife are to seek not to be loosed, but to live faithfully before God. That faithfulness includes pursuing peace and holiness, using the world without abusing it, and living chastely and soberly with your wife. It also includes seeking the good of your wife while not enabling sin. Loving her does not mean ignoring abusive words or pretending that prayers for your harm are acceptable. Love seeks her true good, which includes truth, repentance, healing and accountability.
Here are steps I encourage you to take this week. First, share the full picture with your pastor and at least one other trusted, godly person who can walk with you and check on you regularly. Second, encourage and help your wife to be seen by her doctor and a counselor, and go with her if she will allow it. Keep a calm record of what is said and done so that those helping you can understand the pattern. Third, set clear boundaries for abusive speech in your home, and agree on a plan for what you will do when cursing or threats begin, including stepping away to a safe place and involving another person. Fourth, continue in prayer and in the means of grace, reading Scripture, attending worship when possible, and asking God for wisdom, endurance and protection.
Let me pray for you both now.
Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ alone we come to you for mercy and help. You know this husband and his suffering, and you know his wife and the distress that drives her words. Lord, have mercy on both. Convict where there is sin, heal where there is sickness, and bring peace where there is turmoil. Guard this husband from harm and give him wisdom, courage and calm to do what is right. Soften his wife's heart, restrain her tongue, turn her prayers from curses to blessing, and lead her to receive the spiritual and medical help she needs. Make this home a place of chasteness, gravity and order, and help this couple to follow peace and holiness. Strengthen this husband to walk in virtue even in trial, to love without condoning what is wrong, and to seek godly counsel daily. We ask for protection, for repentance, for healing and for your sustaining grace. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Please do not wait to reach out. Contact your pastor today, involve a trusted person close to you, and pursue both spiritual and medical help without delay. You are not forgotten, and the church is meant to bear burdens together.
