Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty before God is itself a sign that His Spirit is still working in you. That deep conviction you feel after twenty one days without opening your word, that war you describe between flesh and spirit, is exactly what Scripture describes. The flesh and the Spirit are opposed to each other, so that you do not do what you want to do. The fact that something in you still wants to pray, still wants a softer heart like Jesus, is evidence that God has not left you alone in that cycle of schoolwork and games and work.
What you are naming, bitterness and anger and pride and lustful thoughts, all come from the same root. Scripture defines what it means to love the world as the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. Those three are not from the Father but from the world, and the world is passing away with its desires. When those desires are allowed to live and grow inside us, James says they war within our members and then they come out as envying and striving and fighting. Pride is especially deceiving. There was a people who lived high in the rocks and said in their heart, who will bring me down, and God said their pride had deceived them. Pride tells us we deserve better, that we are above others, or that we have been unfairly treated, and it hardens the heart. God resists pride, but He gives grace to those who humble themselves before Him. To humble yourself is to agree with God about your sin without excuse and to ask Him to lift you up in His time.
That is why the way Jesus overcame temptation matters for you. When Satan came to Him with those same three temptations, Jesus answered every time with what is written. His strength was the Word of God abiding in Him. You cannot fight lustful thoughts, prideful thoughts, or angry thoughts with willpower alone. You need the Word living inside you so you have something true to answer with when the thought comes. This is different from reading a chapter a day as a task to complete. God is not keeping score of how many chapters you read or how many verses you memorize. He is looking for love, for a heart open to Him. He comes to His garden to enjoy fellowship, not to inspect a checklist. When Bible reading feels like a duty, it will always lose to the easier pull of your phone or tablet. When it becomes a way to know Him and to hear His voice, desire begins to return. The best way to understand the Bible is with the Bible itself, comparing Scripture with Scripture and asking the Holy Spirit to teach you as you read.
Your hurt about your appearance is real, and it has made the bitterness deeper. People may look at the outward appearance and judge you for being overweight or not attractive in their eyes, and that betrayal stings. But God has always looked at the heart. Your value before Him is not measured by how others see your body. At the same time, the hurt you have felt is a call to live by the principle Jesus taught, that whatever you want others to do for you, do also for them, and that as you do it will be done to you. That includes your sister. Anger toward a brother or sister, even when it has cooled a little, leaves a root of bitterness if it is not forgiven. Ask God to help you release that anger and to bless her rather than hold the offense.
The same principle applies to what you are taking in with your eyes and ears. You have noticed you are becoming desensitized to foul language, that you laugh at it in videos but are angry when your mother uses it. What we continually watch and listen to trains our heart. Jesus said what comes out of the mouth comes from the heart. If you feed your mind with crude talk and lustful images, even as entertainment, your heart becomes dull to what grieves God. Guarding your heart will mean making deliberate choices about what you watch and how much time you give to games and scrolling, and replacing that time with something that feeds your spirit.
There is joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, more than over those who feel they need no repentance. God is not waiting to shame you for falling behind on a plan. He is waiting for you to turn to Him with a humble and honest heart.
Here is a simple way to begin again. First, confess plainly to God what you have named here, bitterness, pride, anger, lust, love of the world, and ask for His forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Second, ask Him specifically for what you said you want, a softer heart, a true desire to know Him, not just discipline to finish a task. God loves to answer that prayer. Third, make room for the Word to abide. Choose a small, sustainable place to start, perhaps a few verses in the morning before your phone, pray them back to God, and memorize one verse you can use when temptation comes. Fourth, set a boundary on your phone and tablet time and replace it, even for a short time each day, with prayer or reading. Fifth, take steps toward forgiveness where you have been hurt, especially with your sister and with those who judged you for your appearance, and ask God to help you see yourself and others as He does.
Praying for you now, that God will give you a hunger for His Word that is rooted in love for Him, that He will soften what has become hard, cleanse what has become bitter, and teach you to answer the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life with what is written. May He lift you up as you humble yourself before Him, and may you know again the joy of walking closely with Jesus, with a heart that is tender toward Him and toward others.
What you are naming, bitterness and anger and pride and lustful thoughts, all come from the same root. Scripture defines what it means to love the world as the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. Those three are not from the Father but from the world, and the world is passing away with its desires. When those desires are allowed to live and grow inside us, James says they war within our members and then they come out as envying and striving and fighting. Pride is especially deceiving. There was a people who lived high in the rocks and said in their heart, who will bring me down, and God said their pride had deceived them. Pride tells us we deserve better, that we are above others, or that we have been unfairly treated, and it hardens the heart. God resists pride, but He gives grace to those who humble themselves before Him. To humble yourself is to agree with God about your sin without excuse and to ask Him to lift you up in His time.
That is why the way Jesus overcame temptation matters for you. When Satan came to Him with those same three temptations, Jesus answered every time with what is written. His strength was the Word of God abiding in Him. You cannot fight lustful thoughts, prideful thoughts, or angry thoughts with willpower alone. You need the Word living inside you so you have something true to answer with when the thought comes. This is different from reading a chapter a day as a task to complete. God is not keeping score of how many chapters you read or how many verses you memorize. He is looking for love, for a heart open to Him. He comes to His garden to enjoy fellowship, not to inspect a checklist. When Bible reading feels like a duty, it will always lose to the easier pull of your phone or tablet. When it becomes a way to know Him and to hear His voice, desire begins to return. The best way to understand the Bible is with the Bible itself, comparing Scripture with Scripture and asking the Holy Spirit to teach you as you read.
Your hurt about your appearance is real, and it has made the bitterness deeper. People may look at the outward appearance and judge you for being overweight or not attractive in their eyes, and that betrayal stings. But God has always looked at the heart. Your value before Him is not measured by how others see your body. At the same time, the hurt you have felt is a call to live by the principle Jesus taught, that whatever you want others to do for you, do also for them, and that as you do it will be done to you. That includes your sister. Anger toward a brother or sister, even when it has cooled a little, leaves a root of bitterness if it is not forgiven. Ask God to help you release that anger and to bless her rather than hold the offense.
The same principle applies to what you are taking in with your eyes and ears. You have noticed you are becoming desensitized to foul language, that you laugh at it in videos but are angry when your mother uses it. What we continually watch and listen to trains our heart. Jesus said what comes out of the mouth comes from the heart. If you feed your mind with crude talk and lustful images, even as entertainment, your heart becomes dull to what grieves God. Guarding your heart will mean making deliberate choices about what you watch and how much time you give to games and scrolling, and replacing that time with something that feeds your spirit.
There is joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, more than over those who feel they need no repentance. God is not waiting to shame you for falling behind on a plan. He is waiting for you to turn to Him with a humble and honest heart.
Here is a simple way to begin again. First, confess plainly to God what you have named here, bitterness, pride, anger, lust, love of the world, and ask for His forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Second, ask Him specifically for what you said you want, a softer heart, a true desire to know Him, not just discipline to finish a task. God loves to answer that prayer. Third, make room for the Word to abide. Choose a small, sustainable place to start, perhaps a few verses in the morning before your phone, pray them back to God, and memorize one verse you can use when temptation comes. Fourth, set a boundary on your phone and tablet time and replace it, even for a short time each day, with prayer or reading. Fifth, take steps toward forgiveness where you have been hurt, especially with your sister and with those who judged you for your appearance, and ask God to help you see yourself and others as He does.
Praying for you now, that God will give you a hunger for His Word that is rooted in love for Him, that He will soften what has become hard, cleanse what has become bitter, and teach you to answer the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life with what is written. May He lift you up as you humble yourself before Him, and may you know again the joy of walking closely with Jesus, with a heart that is tender toward Him and toward others.
