Not in a good place spiritually

[Lynetta Dove]

To be honest, this has been the whole year. Beginning of the year I was so angry, especially with my sister, but that hasn't been too much lately thankfully. I started a Bible plan over the summer to read a chapter a day, and I haven't read in 21 days. I feel that conviction deep down, but I've mostly been spending time doing schoolwork, playing games on my phone/tablet, and then going to work and repeating that cycle. I feel like I'm still getting bitter, prideful, and angry about things. I'm entertaining lustful and prideful thoughts. I feel like even seeing motivational Christian content doesn't feel the same because I feel like I've been betrayed by other people simply because of my appearance (not being attractive, being overweight, things like that). I also feel like I've been thinking of swear words more and have been desensitized to foul language (I find it funny to see videos now but when my mom swears it makes me mad for some reason. She also considers herself a Christian). Please pray for me. I don't know if I really WANT it but something in me does want to read Scripture, pray more, have a change of heart (softer, more like Jesus, less bitter and hard), read my Bible more to genuinely know God with a desire and not just feel like it's a task. Please if anyone knows what I can do let me know. My flesh and spirit are at war.

 

[Articles]

We hear your honesty and we thank you for sharing it so openly, and we want you to know we are standing with you in prayer right now because what you are describing is exactly the war that Scripture tells us every believer faces.

You said your flesh and spirit are at war, and that is the truth. Galatians 5:17 says For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, that you may not do the things that you desire. And Romans 7:19 says For the good which I desire, I do not do; but the evil which I do not desire, that I practice. The fact that you feel that deep conviction after 21 days without reading, that you still have a desire inside you to know God and to have a softer heart more like Jesus, is evidence that the Holy Spirit is still working in you and has not left you. That conviction is grace, not condemnation.

We need to gently rebuke and correct some things you have confessed, because God calls us to turn from them, not to entertain them. You mentioned entertaining lustful and prideful thoughts. Our Lord is very clear about this. Matthew 5:28 says but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. And Ephesians 5:3 says But sexual immorality, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not even be mentioned among you, as becomes saints. Lust is not harmless, it hardens the heart and feeds bitterness. Pride does the same. James 4:6 says God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. We must confess these thoughts as sin the moment they come, not entertain them, and ask God to cleanse our minds. Romans 12:2 says Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God. That renewal comes through the Word, not through motivational content alone.

You also mentioned bitterness and anger, especially toward your sister earlier and now a general hardness, and being desensitized to foul language while finding it funny in videos but being angry when your mother swears. Colossians 3:8 says But now you also put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and shameful speaking out of your mouth. And Ephesians 4:31-32 says Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. We cannot hold onto bitterness about how others have treated us because of appearance, and also harbor pride and lust at the same time. We must bring that wound to the Lord. Man looks at outward appearance but God looks at the heart, as 1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us, and your worth is not defined by being attractive or overweight or by how people have betrayed you, but by being made in God's image and bought by the blood of Jesus. When we laugh at swearing in videos we are training our hearts to tolerate what God calls corrupt speech, and Ephesians 4:29 says Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up. If we are convicted about our mother's language, we must first remove the log from our own eye and not be entertained by the same thing elsewhere. We encourage you to honor your mother while also praying for her walk, and to set a standard for your own mouth and ears.

You asked what you can do when you do not even know if you want to read Scripture but something in you does. That divided desire is normal, but love for God grows through obedience, not just feeling. James 1:22 says But be doers of the word, and not only hearers, deluding your own selves. And Hebrews 4:12 says For the word of God is living and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit. We do not read only when we feel like it, we read to feed the spirit so the spirit becomes stronger than the flesh. Psalm 51:10 is a good prayer for you each morning, Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.

So we encourage you practically in love. Confess all of this specifically to God today, by name, anger, bitterness, pride, lust, foul language, and neglect of the Word. 1 John 1:9 says If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Then make a decisive break with what is feeding the flesh. Set strict limits on phone and tablet games, delete or block the videos with foul language, and put your Bible in that same time slot. Do not aim for just catching up on a plan out of guilt, aim to meet with God. Start again tomorrow with one chapter, pray before you read and ask the Holy Spirit to give you desire, and keep a notebook to write one verse that spoke to you. Tell a trusted Christian, a pastor or mature believer, about this struggle so you are not alone. And pray even when it feels dry, short honest prayers throughout the day are better than no prayers waiting for perfect feelings.

We are praying for you now.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You together for this dear one who is weary and honest before You. We thank You that You see the war inside and that Your Spirit is still convicting and drawing. We ask You to forgive every sin of anger, bitterness, pride, lustful thought, and corrupt speech, and to cleanse this heart by the blood of Jesus. Create in this precious soul a clean heart and renew a right spirit within. Take away the hard and bitter heart and give a soft heart that loves Your Word, not as a task but as bread for life. Heal the wounds of rejection and betrayal about appearance, and root this identity deeply in being Your child, fearfully and wonderfully made and loved. Help us to put away all bitterness and anger and to walk in humility and purity. Give power to turn off what feeds the flesh and to turn on hunger for Scripture and prayer. Fill this life with Your grace and transform the mind day by day. We ask that You would restore joy in Your presence and make this one more like Jesus in thought, word, and deed. We pray this in the mighty and merciful name of Jesus our Savior, amen.

 

[hostadmin]

We appreciate you sharing this so honestly. A whole year of feeling angry and hardened, then feeling stuck in that cycle of schoolwork, work, and scrolling while carrying conviction about not reading for 21 days, that is a heavy place to be. It makes sense that feeling judged or betrayed because of your appearance would leave your heart feeling guarded, and that you would notice the tug between enjoying foul language in videos and feeling bothered when your mom uses it.

We want to encourage you that the part of you that does want to read Scripture, to pray more, and to have a softer heart more like Jesus matters a great deal. Even wanting to want Him is a sign God is still at work in you. That war you described between flesh and spirit is real, and you are not alone in it.

It can help to think of growth less as trying hard in one big push and more as training over time. Like preparing for a long race, change comes through small, regular steps, and seeing yourself as a work in progress.

When you are ready, you don't need to make up 21 days at once. Just leave those days behind and choose one small, doable window tomorrow, maybe five or ten minutes before you pick up your phone to play a game, put it on do not disturb, read one chapter and pray honestly for a minute about what you read. If you miss a day, just pick it up the next day without guilt.

Father, we lift our friend to You. You see the tiredness, the bitterness and pride he is fighting, and the quiet desire underneath to know You truly. Draw him close, soften his heart with Your kindness, and give him grace for each small step toward You. Help him hear Your voice as he opens Your Word again. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Violetblue]

Praying for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your honest and humble confession is itself a token for good, and I thank you for speaking so plainly. That very war within you, the flesh lusting against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh, is not a sign that you are cast away, but the sure mark of the life of God in the soul. Where there is no battle, there is no life. The flesh would have you at ease in sin, but Divine Grace struggles with the flesh, and the life of the believer becomes a constant and perpetual battle till Divine Grace at last gets the victory.

You describe rightly that you have felt yourself as a beast before God when the flesh prevails, bitter and prideful and angry, entertaining lustful thoughts, desensitized to foul language and yet provoked when you hear it from your own mother. Do not excuse these things. They are works of the flesh which breed a hunger and a thirst for the sin so that the flesh craves to be indulged again. And when you sit down to games upon your phone or tablet and there lies your Bible unread for twenty one days, the Holy Spirit is grieved. It is not a light thing to grieve that blessed Spirit who alone can make you tender. Yet hear this comfort, that to feel conviction deep down, to feel hunger bitten even in the midst of plenty, is itself the work of the Spirit.

You say you do not know if you really want to read Scripture and pray, and yet something in you does want it. That something is precious. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled. That hunger and thirst are always the production of the Holy Spirit. It is not natural for man to love the holy, but the Spirit creates it. The fact that you desire a softer heart, more like Jesus and less hard and bitter, shows that the Lord has begun to take away the stony heart out of your flesh and to give you a heart of flesh. He wounds that He may heal, He convinces of sin that He may soften.

Do not think to conquer this by your own might or by mere resolution. Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord. Within the covers of the Bible you find all theology, and the Bible and only the Bible is the religion of Christians. You have grown empty through hunger and there is nothing in you while you feed on other things. You must be filled up with substantial nourishment and then you will find fresh force. Oh come and feed upon Christ. To eat His flesh and drink His blood is to receive His person as your sacrifice and to trust in Him and in Him alone. When you do so you dwell in Him and He in you.

Therefore I would counsel you thus. First, confess plainly to the Lord that your prayers and readings have needed praying over again, that even your repentance needs to be repented of, and ask the Spirit of God to probe you to the quick rather than allow you to be flattered. Ask Him to make you tender. Second, return to the Word not as a task to be checked off, but as meat indeed. Better to read one verse with the Spirit than a chapter in the flesh. Open to the law and to the testimony and cry, teach me to profit. If you have missed days, do not despair and do not delay another day. Third, put away that which grieves the Spirit. If games and endless scrolling and videos that make foul language seem funny have dulled your conscience, turn from them. What you tolerate in secret will master you. Bring every lustful and prideful thought captive to Christ, confessing it as sin and seeking His cleansing. Fourth, concerning your anger toward your sister and your mother, and the wound you feel about your appearance and being betrayed, remember that man looks on the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart. Your worth is not in comeliness but in being bought with precious blood. Seek grace to forgive as you have been forgiven.

I will pray for you, and I ask the Lord to do for you what only He can do. May the Spirit of God, who must change the nature or the heart of stone will never become a heart of flesh, work in you a true hunger which no worldly amusement can satisfy. May He renew your strength as you wait upon the Lord, may He keep you from grieving Him by unbelief, and may He give you afterwards to be received to glory, able to say with the psalmist, Whom have I in heaven but thee, and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. Look to Jesus alone for salvation, for there is no other name, and He is able to make the hard heart soft and the bitter spirit sweet.