Ex

Dhitlor

Good and Faithful Servant
I have been posting that my psychologically abusive ex randomly contacted me recently after not speaking to me for a month after I broke up with him, but I decided to cut off contact with him even though I had always promised to be there for him (especially amidst life-threatening health issues he has) and also wanted to keep communication open to witness to him because he is not a believer. I decided to cut off contact because talking with him recently for a day or so resulted in him doing more harm to me and I already know that God does not want me with him. When I told him I was cutting off contact with him and sent him messages explaining why (I tried to be Christlike), he responded with a message accepting to cut off communication but angrily and saying things that really upset me at the time that I read it and I ended up calling him (it went straight to voicemail as maybe I've now been blocked) and leaving a very emotional voicemail where I yelled, cried and told him bluntly that he was cruel, manipulative, telling him all the ways he'd hurt me, etc. I know I shouldn't have done this. I wanted to end things amicably and not risk harming my witness to him. Perhaps he wanted me to have a response like the one I did. Please pray. He has a lot of trauma and possibly undiagnosed (or maybe diagnosed) issues that cause his behavior but I understand that's no excuse. I never want to speak to him again. Thank you.
 
We have been praying over what you shared and we thank you for your honesty and for seeking to honor God in a very painful and confusing situation. We want to affirm that you did the right and biblical thing by cutting off contact with this man, even though you had promised to always be there for him.

Scripture is clear that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with iniquity, or what communion has light with darkness, 2 Corinthians 6:14. A courtship should be with the purpose of discerning marriage to a fellow believer, and marriage itself is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman that reflects Christ and the church. Continuing in communication with a psychologically abusive unbeliever whom you already know God does not want you to be with would not have honored God and would have continued to harm you. Bad company corrupts good morals, 1 Corinthians 15:33, and we are told not to make friends with an angry man and not to associate with a hot-tempered man, lest we learn his ways and ensnare our souls, Proverbs 22:24-25.

We also understand the burden you felt to keep the door open to witness to him because he does not know the Lord, especially given his serious health issues and trauma. It is Christlike to desire his salvation, and we share that desire, but God never calls us to remain in an abusive dynamic to be someone's witness. The Lord can and will send others to share the gospel with him, and your safety and healing matter to God. Your promise to always be there for him was made with good intentions, but you are not bound to a promise that requires you to endure ongoing psychological harm. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it, Proverbs 4:23.

We hear your regret about the emotional voicemail where you yelled and cried and told him bluntly how cruel and manipulative he has been. We do not rebuke you harshly for this, because we understand how deep hurt and provocation can overflow, and abusive behavior is often designed to elicit exactly that kind of response. Yet God does call us to be slow to anger, for we know that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God, James 1:19-20. And we are called to let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from us, along with all malice, and to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave us, Ephesians 4:31-32. That does not mean what he did was okay or that you must reconcile or resume contact. Forgiveness is releasing him to God and choosing not to hold vengeance in your heart, while still maintaining wise boundaries. If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men, Romans 12:18, and sometimes the most peaceful and obedient choice is to have no further contact, which you have now done.

You are right that trauma and possible undiagnosed issues may help explain his behavior but they do not excuse cruelty and manipulation. Such behavior is part of what Scripture warns will be prevalent, that in the last days people will be lovers of self, without self-control, brutal, and treacherous, 2 Timothy 3:1-5, and we are told to turn away from such patterns.

We also want to gently encourage you about your faith. You mentioned trying to be Christlike and wanting to be a witness, and you spoke of God, but we want to remind you with love that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and that we are saved. There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved, Acts 4:12, and Jesus Himself said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me, John 14:6. If you have not already, place your full trust in Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose again, and confess Him as Lord, for if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved, Romans 10:9. It is through Jesus that our prayers are heard and our witness has power.

We are praying for you now.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we lift this dear sister to You. You see the pain, the confusion, the guilt, and the hurt she has carried from this psychologically abusive relationship. We ask You to surround her with Your peace that surpasses all understanding and to guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus, Philippians 4:6-7. Heal her broken heart, for You are near to those who have a broken heart, and You save those who have a crushed spirit, Psalm 34:18, and You heal the broken in heart, and bind up their wounds, Psalm 147:3. Forgive her for the angry voicemail, cleanse her conscience, and help her to forgive as You have forgiven her, not requiring reconciliation but releasing bitterness so she can walk in freedom. Give her strength to maintain no contact and not to be drawn back by guilt or by his health struggles, reminding her that You do not condemn her for protecting the heart You gave her. Help her to lean on godly counsel, her church family, and wise support as she heals, and guide her in the future toward a godly marriage to a faithful believing man if it is Your will, in Your timing.

We also pray for this man, Lord. You know his trauma, his health issues, and his lost condition. We pray that You would have mercy on him, bring conviction of sin, and bring faithful believers across his path to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with him, that he might repent and be saved. We pray that You would bring him to professional help and to healing if he will seek it, but we pray above all for his soul. We ask that You would stop any further harm he might cause and that You would use even this separation for good in both lives.

We pray that You would help our sister to know that she has not ruined her witness, for You are sovereign and You redeem even our weak moments, and that she would rest in Your grace. Strengthen her to not call again, to not check on his response, and to trust You with the outcome, for You have said, Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you, Isaiah 41:10. We ask all of this in the mighty and saving name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and our only hope, amen.

We encourage you to remain in no contact, to block where needed, to seek support from a pastor or trusted mature Christian counselor, and to spend much time in the Word and in prayer. God is not disappointed in you for choosing obedience and safety over an unhealthy attachment. He will restore you and use this trial to make you stronger in Him.
 
Thank you for trusting us with this painful story. We can hear how torn you have felt between compassion for your ex and the need to protect yourself, and how much you wanted to handle the ending in a way that honored God.

Choosing to cut contact after talking again left you feeling harmed was a wise and caring step for your wellbeing. It makes sense that guilt would come up afterward, especially when you had promised to be there for him and hoped to keep a witness. That emotional voicemail does not erase the thoughtful messages you sent before. It sounds like a very human moment after carrying a lot of hurt for a long time.

It may help to keep in mind that forgiveness and staying in relationship are not the same thing. You can make a quiet decision before God to release any claim to payback and to wish him well as a person, while still keeping the boundary of no contact. The deeper emotional healing, the easing of resentment and fear and anger, often takes much longer and comes gradually. A boundary in this sense is simply a way to guard your heart and keep freedom in your choices.

When the urge to explain again or to check for a response rises, it can help to have a simple plan. You might write down in one place why you chose no contact and what happened when you did talk, keep his number blocked, and let a trusted friend or pastor know about your decision so they can support you when guilt or grief surfaces.

Father, we lift this sister to you. Cover her with your peace, heal the wounded places, and give her steady wisdom and supportive people around her as she keeps this boundary. When guilt or sadness comes, remind her of your grace and that she is safe and valued in you. Guide her gently in the days ahead. In Jesus name, amen.
 
There is forgiveness with God, and it is to that blessed truth I would direct your burdened heart at once. You have written with great honesty concerning your sorrow, your anger, and your desire to walk in a Christlike way, and I hear in your words both a tender conscience and a deep wound that still needs healing.

You did well to step away from a communion which was doing you harm. When a former companionship has been marked by psychological cruelty, to cut off contact is not unfaithfulness to a promise, it is wisdom and it is stewardship of the life God has given you. The Lord does not require you to remain within reach of that which bruises and manipulates you in order to prove your love for Christ. A witness for Christ is not kept alive by exposing yourself again and again to harm. The witness is in the truth you have already spoken, and now your separation may speak more clearly than continued words could do. You have discerned rightly that God does not will you to be joined to this man, and to hold that boundary is obedience, not failure.

Concerning that voicemail in which you wept and spoke in anger, do not let the adversary tell you that one hour of passion has undone all your desire to honour Christ. You confess that you should not have so spoken, and that confession is itself precious before God. Remember what we have often preached, that with the forgiveness of guilt the Lord also takes away guile. The forgiven soul no longer hides or excuses sin, but comes low and says, I have sinned, I am altogether a sinner. You have done this. Now believe also the other half, that there is forgiveness for you, whatever your outburst may have been. It is a divine forgiveness, I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions for Mine own sake. It is not given because your sorrow was measured enough or your words were perfect enough, but for His name's sake and for the sake of the great Atonement which covers all guilt. As Luther was told in his dark distress, say the Creed for yourself, I believe in the forgiveness of sins, and take it home to your own heart.

That forgiveness is complete. It does not leave a stain or a taint remaining. It is an absolute forgiveness, as a debt wholly blotted out, and it is an eternal forgiveness which He will not revoke, for the gifts and calling of God are without repentance. He will not play fast and loose with you. And it is a present forgiveness, at this moment, for you, even as you tremble and desire it with a penitent heart. Let that whisper drive away despair. There is forgiveness. There is forgiveness with Him.

Forgiveness, however, does not require you to return to the place of wounding or to restore the former relationship. Pardon and healing are joined together in Christ, and the healing often comes as you abide under His wing apart from the one who harmed you. The leaves of the tree of life are for the healing of the nations, and even the least thing about Christ has healing virtue to change the life blood and make the nature whole again. Seek that healing in quiet communion with Him, in the Word, in prayer, and in the fellowship of faithful believers who can walk with you and keep you accountable to remain separate. If you are tempted to reach out again to explain or to soften what was said, pray instead and let the matter rest in His hands. Your witness now is to live in holiness and peace, and to leave his soul in the hands of a sovereign God who alone can bring a man from trauma and sin to new life.

For him, we do not ask God to bless a union which He has not ordained, for marriage is the lifelong covenant of one man and one woman and all intimacy belongs within it, and the Lord will not set His blessing upon what is outside that holy order and what is joined to abuse. But we may and we do pray that God will have mercy upon his soul, that He will bring him to see his need of a Saviour, and that if there be disorders or deep wounds of the past, he may be led to honest acknowledgement and to proper help. Trauma may explain much, yet it does not excuse cruelty, and only the Spirit of God can give a new heart.

Let me pray for you now.

O Lord our God, with whom there is forgiveness that Thou mayest be feared, look upon this Thy daughter who mourns her sin and her sorrow. Blot out her transgressions for Thine own sake and let her know that she is fully and freely forgiven through Jesus Christ Thy Son, the Just who died for the unjust to bring us to God. Heal her wounds as only Thou canst, and let the healing leaves of Christ be laid upon her spirit. Keep her from returning to that which harms her, give her strength to keep the boundary she has set, and surround her with wise and godly counsel. And O Lord, have mercy upon the man who is yet without Thee, convict him of sin and draw him to repentance and faith in Christ alone for salvation, and do for him what no human hand can do. Establish her feet upon the Rock and let her henceforth walk in newness of life, to Thy praise. Amen.
 
May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

🙏Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.

God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net

Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body
 

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