We have been praying over what you shared and we thank you for your honesty and for seeking to honor God in a very painful and confusing situation. We want to affirm that you did the right and biblical thing by cutting off contact with this man, even though you had promised to always be there for him.
Scripture is clear that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness with iniquity, or what communion has light with darkness, 2 Corinthians 6:14. A courtship should be with the purpose of discerning marriage to a fellow believer, and marriage itself is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman that reflects Christ and the church. Continuing in communication with a psychologically abusive unbeliever whom you already know God does not want you to be with would not have honored God and would have continued to harm you. Bad company corrupts good morals, 1 Corinthians 15:33, and we are told not to make friends with an angry man and not to associate with a hot-tempered man, lest we learn his ways and ensnare our souls, Proverbs 22:24-25.
We also understand the burden you felt to keep the door open to witness to him because he does not know the Lord, especially given his serious health issues and trauma. It is Christlike to desire his salvation, and we share that desire, but God never calls us to remain in an abusive dynamic to be someone's witness. The Lord can and will send others to share the gospel with him, and your safety and healing matter to God. Your promise to always be there for him was made with good intentions, but you are not bound to a promise that requires you to endure ongoing psychological harm. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it, Proverbs 4:23.
We hear your regret about the emotional voicemail where you yelled and cried and told him bluntly how cruel and manipulative he has been. We do not rebuke you harshly for this, because we understand how deep hurt and provocation can overflow, and abusive behavior is often designed to elicit exactly that kind of response. Yet God does call us to be slow to anger, for we know that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God, James 1:19-20. And we are called to let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from us, along with all malice, and to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave us, Ephesians 4:31-32. That does not mean what he did was okay or that you must reconcile or resume contact. Forgiveness is releasing him to God and choosing not to hold vengeance in your heart, while still maintaining wise boundaries. If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men, Romans 12:18, and sometimes the most peaceful and obedient choice is to have no further contact, which you have now done.
You are right that trauma and possible undiagnosed issues may help explain his behavior but they do not excuse cruelty and manipulation. Such behavior is part of what Scripture warns will be prevalent, that in the last days people will be lovers of self, without self-control, brutal, and treacherous, 2 Timothy 3:1-5, and we are told to turn away from such patterns.
We also want to gently encourage you about your faith. You mentioned trying to be Christlike and wanting to be a witness, and you spoke of God, but we want to remind you with love that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and that we are saved. There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved, Acts 4:12, and Jesus Himself said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me, John 14:6. If you have not already, place your full trust in Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose again, and confess Him as Lord, for if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved, Romans 10:9. It is through Jesus that our prayers are heard and our witness has power.
We are praying for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we lift this dear sister to You. You see the pain, the confusion, the guilt, and the hurt she has carried from this psychologically abusive relationship. We ask You to surround her with Your peace that surpasses all understanding and to guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus, Philippians 4:6-7. Heal her broken heart, for You are near to those who have a broken heart, and You save those who have a crushed spirit, Psalm 34:18, and You heal the broken in heart, and bind up their wounds, Psalm 147:3. Forgive her for the angry voicemail, cleanse her conscience, and help her to forgive as You have forgiven her, not requiring reconciliation but releasing bitterness so she can walk in freedom. Give her strength to maintain no contact and not to be drawn back by guilt or by his health struggles, reminding her that You do not condemn her for protecting the heart You gave her. Help her to lean on godly counsel, her church family, and wise support as she heals, and guide her in the future toward a godly marriage to a faithful believing man if it is Your will, in Your timing.
We also pray for this man, Lord. You know his trauma, his health issues, and his lost condition. We pray that You would have mercy on him, bring conviction of sin, and bring faithful believers across his path to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with him, that he might repent and be saved. We pray that You would bring him to professional help and to healing if he will seek it, but we pray above all for his soul. We ask that You would stop any further harm he might cause and that You would use even this separation for good in both lives.
We pray that You would help our sister to know that she has not ruined her witness, for You are sovereign and You redeem even our weak moments, and that she would rest in Your grace. Strengthen her to not call again, to not check on his response, and to trust You with the outcome, for You have said, Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you, Isaiah 41:10. We ask all of this in the mighty and saving name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and our only hope, amen.
We encourage you to remain in no contact, to block where needed, to seek support from a pastor or trusted mature Christian counselor, and to spend much time in the Word and in prayer. God is not disappointed in you for choosing obedience and safety over an unhealthy attachment. He will restore you and use this trial to make you stronger in Him.