Silas
Beloved of All
Here is the redacted version of the text, with all personal names and identifying information replaced with "###".
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Your honesty is heard and it matters that you did not pretend. The tiredness in your body, the sense that suffering has worn down your health, the feeling of being alone and even abandoned by God, and the struggle to believe when others have not walked where you have walked, all of this is weight that no one should carry alone.
The Bible describes faith as the inner confidence in what we hope for and the evidence for what we cannot yet see. It is not sight and it is not feeling. That is why those who went before us obtained a good testimony before God. It was not because their lives were easy or because they never struggled to believe, but because they trusted the word and promise of God when what they could see gave them no reason to hope.
Abel trusted God and offered what God asked, and God bore witness that he was righteous. Enoch walked with God by faith and had the testimony that he pleased God, for without faith it is impossible to please Him. Noah was warned about things not yet seen and moved with reverence to do what God said, and through that faith he became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith. Abraham was called to go out not knowing where he was going, and he obeyed because he believed God, and later when God tested him he trusted that God could even raise the dead to keep His promise. In each case God counted their faith for righteousness.
That truth speaks directly to what you shared about trying to live with integrity. God sees and honors a desire to do what is right, but our standing before Him does not rest on our integrity or on the law or on our own efforts to be good enough. If righteousness could come that way we would have reason to boast, but Scripture says no one is justified that way. The prophet Habakkuk learned this when the nation was falling apart and he was complaining to God. God's answer to him was that the just shall live by faith. That same word is repeated to us. We are justified, declared righteous and at peace with God, not by works we have done but by grace through faith in Jesus Christ who fulfilled what the law required.
That faith itself is not something you have to work up on your own. Every person is given a measure of faith, and the faith by which we trust Jesus is a gift of God. There are moments when God gives special confidence to trust Him for the next step, even when we feel empty. You do not have to pretend to feel strong. You can simply take God at His word because He has said it and He has promised it. True faith will show itself in how we live, but God looks first at the trust of the heart that prompts the action. He accounted Abraham's belief for righteousness before any work proved it.
Because we are justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We are no longer at enmity with Him, even when we feel distant. And by that same faith we have access into the grace in which we now stand. Our standing is not in our health, our strength, or our ability to recover. It is in His grace. That grace does not always mean complete healing in this life, as you said, and the Bible does not promise that every body will be made whole now. But it does promise a living hope of the glory of God that suffering cannot cancel. That hope is what allows us to cling to His promises and even to smile through tears because we know what He has prepared.
When you say it feels like the enemy is winning and that God has abandoned you, please hear that feeling is not the final evidence. The evidence is what God has said and done. He has not left you. He testifies to those who trust Him, even when their voice is weak and they feel they have nothing left to pray. The fact that you are still reaching out, even to say you want to walk away, shows there is still a thread of faith to hold.
Please do not walk away alone. The body of Christ is meant to suffer together, and when one member suffers all should feel it and help bear it. Your tiredness and discouragement need the care of other people around you, not isolation. If your body is telling you it wants rest in a way that makes you think of ending your life, please reach out right now to a trusted counselor, doctor, or a family member or friend who can stay with you, and if you are in immediate danger please contact a local crisis helpline or emergency services. You are not a burden for needing help.
I am praying for you that God will renew even a small measure of faith to take Him at His word today, that you will know His peace that comes from being made right through Jesus alone, that He will give you grace for this day and strength to take the next step, and that He will surround you with people who will walk with you and not let you walk alone. You have thanked others for prayers through the years. Allow those prayers to continue for you now. God who makes alive the dead is still able to keep His promises to you, and He honors even the smallest turning to Him in faith.
---
Your honesty is heard and it matters that you did not pretend. The tiredness in your body, the sense that suffering has worn down your health, the feeling of being alone and even abandoned by God, and the struggle to believe when others have not walked where you have walked, all of this is weight that no one should carry alone.
The Bible describes faith as the inner confidence in what we hope for and the evidence for what we cannot yet see. It is not sight and it is not feeling. That is why those who went before us obtained a good testimony before God. It was not because their lives were easy or because they never struggled to believe, but because they trusted the word and promise of God when what they could see gave them no reason to hope.
Abel trusted God and offered what God asked, and God bore witness that he was righteous. Enoch walked with God by faith and had the testimony that he pleased God, for without faith it is impossible to please Him. Noah was warned about things not yet seen and moved with reverence to do what God said, and through that faith he became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith. Abraham was called to go out not knowing where he was going, and he obeyed because he believed God, and later when God tested him he trusted that God could even raise the dead to keep His promise. In each case God counted their faith for righteousness.
That truth speaks directly to what you shared about trying to live with integrity. God sees and honors a desire to do what is right, but our standing before Him does not rest on our integrity or on the law or on our own efforts to be good enough. If righteousness could come that way we would have reason to boast, but Scripture says no one is justified that way. The prophet Habakkuk learned this when the nation was falling apart and he was complaining to God. God's answer to him was that the just shall live by faith. That same word is repeated to us. We are justified, declared righteous and at peace with God, not by works we have done but by grace through faith in Jesus Christ who fulfilled what the law required.
That faith itself is not something you have to work up on your own. Every person is given a measure of faith, and the faith by which we trust Jesus is a gift of God. There are moments when God gives special confidence to trust Him for the next step, even when we feel empty. You do not have to pretend to feel strong. You can simply take God at His word because He has said it and He has promised it. True faith will show itself in how we live, but God looks first at the trust of the heart that prompts the action. He accounted Abraham's belief for righteousness before any work proved it.
Because we are justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We are no longer at enmity with Him, even when we feel distant. And by that same faith we have access into the grace in which we now stand. Our standing is not in our health, our strength, or our ability to recover. It is in His grace. That grace does not always mean complete healing in this life, as you said, and the Bible does not promise that every body will be made whole now. But it does promise a living hope of the glory of God that suffering cannot cancel. That hope is what allows us to cling to His promises and even to smile through tears because we know what He has prepared.
When you say it feels like the enemy is winning and that God has abandoned you, please hear that feeling is not the final evidence. The evidence is what God has said and done. He has not left you. He testifies to those who trust Him, even when their voice is weak and they feel they have nothing left to pray. The fact that you are still reaching out, even to say you want to walk away, shows there is still a thread of faith to hold.
Please do not walk away alone. The body of Christ is meant to suffer together, and when one member suffers all should feel it and help bear it. Your tiredness and discouragement need the care of other people around you, not isolation. If your body is telling you it wants rest in a way that makes you think of ending your life, please reach out right now to a trusted counselor, doctor, or a family member or friend who can stay with you, and if you are in immediate danger please contact a local crisis helpline or emergency services. You are not a burden for needing help.
I am praying for you that God will renew even a small measure of faith to take Him at His word today, that you will know His peace that comes from being made right through Jesus alone, that He will give you grace for this day and strength to take the next step, and that He will surround you with people who will walk with you and not let you walk alone. You have thanked others for prayers through the years. Allow those prayers to continue for you now. God who makes alive the dead is still able to keep His promises to you, and He honors even the smallest turning to Him in faith.
