Silas
Beloved of All
Thank you for sharing so honestly and for reaching out again. You are not bothering anyone by asking, and your question is not silly. God sees the anxiety and agitation you are carrying, and He understands how a mind can get stuck on one thought and go over it again and again.
Scripture says God understands our thoughts from far off, even in their origin before we think them. He knows the process by which they are formed. He is acquainted with all of your ways, and He is not surprised or put off by the looping thoughts or the distress they bring. You can be honest with Him about exactly where your mind is stuck.
Part of what makes anxiety so heavy is wanting to know and figure out everything now. God says His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so His thoughts and ways are higher than ours. The difference is that He knows the end from the beginning. When He does something He knows it is right. We do things hoping we are right, trying to reason it out with limited knowledge. When we exalt our own understanding and try to make it supreme, we carry a burden we were never meant to carry. Rest comes when we let God be supreme, the One who knows all things and knows so much better than we do.
That includes questions about heaven and what we will remember. If you want to know what happens beyond this life, Jesus is the One who knows. We do not have to have every detail figured out now. What we can know is that God is good and wise and His plan is loving from start to finish. You wrote a book about good and evil, and you are concerned about whether you will remember it there. It is good to care about the work you have done, but heaven will not be a loss. It will be far better to be with Jesus Himself, whole and at peace, with everything that is good preserved and everything that is painful healed. You can trust Him with that question and leave it in His higher wisdom while you keep your eyes on meeting Jesus, which is the greatest hope of all.
It may help you to know what God is actually thinking toward you right now. His thoughts toward you are not evil. They are thoughts of peace, to give you a good and desirable end. They are precious thoughts, and if they could be counted they would be more than the sand of the sea. Every grain would represent one of His thoughts toward you. He is thinking about you all the time with goodness, not with condemnation. He invites the unrighteous to forsake their way and the unrighteous thoughts and to return to the Lord, for He will have mercy and abundantly pardon.
You mentioned wanting to meet Jesus and wanting to stop swearing. That desire is from God working in you, and He does want to help and heal you. The Bible speaks of those who speak against God and take His name in vain, and it calls us to turn from that. God does not just forgive, He gives power to change. When you feel the urge to swear, you can pause and pray a simple honest prayer, ask Him to cleanse your speech and to fill your mouth with what honors Him. He hears that prayer. Change often comes step by step as you walk with Him, not all at once, and His mercy covers you as you learn.
When thoughts start to loop, try praying like this, Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts. That is the prayer of someone who knows he does not fully understand himself and needs God to look inside and lead him. You can tell Him, Lord, my thoughts are troubling me, Your thoughts are higher, I commit my way to You, do what You know is best. Bringing the stuck thought to Him each time, even many times a day, is not failure. It is learning to rest in His wisdom and love.
You said you have no one to talk to. Please do not stay alone with this. If you can, reach out to a trusted pastor or a mature believer who can pray with you regularly, and if anxiety and agitated depression remain severe, consider talking with a doctor or counselor who honors your faith. You matter to God and to others.
I will pray for you. Father, I bring this dear one to You who is anxious and agitated and feels stuck. Thank You that You know every thought before it is formed and that Your thoughts toward this person are precious and full of peace. Have mercy and abundantly pardon through Jesus Christ. Heal and calm the mind, break the loop of anxious thoughts, and help with the struggle with swearing. Fill the mouth with grace and the heart with Your peace. Help this person to trust that Your ways are higher and to rest in Your love while looking forward to seeing Jesus face to face. In Jesus name, Amen.
Scripture says God understands our thoughts from far off, even in their origin before we think them. He knows the process by which they are formed. He is acquainted with all of your ways, and He is not surprised or put off by the looping thoughts or the distress they bring. You can be honest with Him about exactly where your mind is stuck.
Part of what makes anxiety so heavy is wanting to know and figure out everything now. God says His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so His thoughts and ways are higher than ours. The difference is that He knows the end from the beginning. When He does something He knows it is right. We do things hoping we are right, trying to reason it out with limited knowledge. When we exalt our own understanding and try to make it supreme, we carry a burden we were never meant to carry. Rest comes when we let God be supreme, the One who knows all things and knows so much better than we do.
That includes questions about heaven and what we will remember. If you want to know what happens beyond this life, Jesus is the One who knows. We do not have to have every detail figured out now. What we can know is that God is good and wise and His plan is loving from start to finish. You wrote a book about good and evil, and you are concerned about whether you will remember it there. It is good to care about the work you have done, but heaven will not be a loss. It will be far better to be with Jesus Himself, whole and at peace, with everything that is good preserved and everything that is painful healed. You can trust Him with that question and leave it in His higher wisdom while you keep your eyes on meeting Jesus, which is the greatest hope of all.
It may help you to know what God is actually thinking toward you right now. His thoughts toward you are not evil. They are thoughts of peace, to give you a good and desirable end. They are precious thoughts, and if they could be counted they would be more than the sand of the sea. Every grain would represent one of His thoughts toward you. He is thinking about you all the time with goodness, not with condemnation. He invites the unrighteous to forsake their way and the unrighteous thoughts and to return to the Lord, for He will have mercy and abundantly pardon.
You mentioned wanting to meet Jesus and wanting to stop swearing. That desire is from God working in you, and He does want to help and heal you. The Bible speaks of those who speak against God and take His name in vain, and it calls us to turn from that. God does not just forgive, He gives power to change. When you feel the urge to swear, you can pause and pray a simple honest prayer, ask Him to cleanse your speech and to fill your mouth with what honors Him. He hears that prayer. Change often comes step by step as you walk with Him, not all at once, and His mercy covers you as you learn.
When thoughts start to loop, try praying like this, Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts. That is the prayer of someone who knows he does not fully understand himself and needs God to look inside and lead him. You can tell Him, Lord, my thoughts are troubling me, Your thoughts are higher, I commit my way to You, do what You know is best. Bringing the stuck thought to Him each time, even many times a day, is not failure. It is learning to rest in His wisdom and love.
You said you have no one to talk to. Please do not stay alone with this. If you can, reach out to a trusted pastor or a mature believer who can pray with you regularly, and if anxiety and agitated depression remain severe, consider talking with a doctor or counselor who honors your faith. You matter to God and to others.
I will pray for you. Father, I bring this dear one to You who is anxious and agitated and feels stuck. Thank You that You know every thought before it is formed and that Your thoughts toward this person are precious and full of peace. Have mercy and abundantly pardon through Jesus Christ. Heal and calm the mind, break the loop of anxious thoughts, and help with the struggle with swearing. Fill the mouth with grace and the heart with Your peace. Help this person to trust that Your ways are higher and to rest in Your love while looking forward to seeing Jesus face to face. In Jesus name, Amen.
