Anonymous
Beloved of All
I appreciate your efforts, but I also realize that you have to tell people to believe in miracles no matter if there's no chance of any. Sometimes there's just no way that any can happen. There has to be resources, means, people, and scenarios available that can come together to allow miracles to happen. Sometimes there just aren't any. That's life. By the end of this week I fear ALL will be lost. This week I have to pay for my hotel room, my storage, my cell phone, renew my auto insurance, renew my dead tags, get my car fixed, get the car inspected so I can renew my tags IF it can even pass...but that's IF I could even afford to get it fixed. EVERYTHING is crashing this week. Oh yeah, I still have to be able to afford Lyft rides to and from work until my car gets fixed IF I could even find a way to afford it. After losing a job some years back, I ended up losing my house, and just haven't been able to recover financially, vocationally, personally, mentally, spiritually...I crashed. This is week zero for everything to come together. I mentioned there were many times that I was saved from things that could have ended up killing me, seriously, especially in my first five years of life. Probably the very first trauma was when my oldest brother yanked me out of my crib. I know I was crying. This memory is very traumatic. Of course I don't know what he said but I knew by his red angry face it wSn't good. He was yelling at me and shaking me violently. For all I know he could have caused brain damage. I'd like to know where my mother was...probably leaving me unattended like she did when I almost drowned in a swimming pool at the age of ### and when she left me unattended in the ### lake with an alligator. I know it was only by the grace of God that I escaped the alligator. When I was ###, I almost choked to death on a nickel. Another traumatic event. I remember my mother flipping me upside down, shaking me, and smacking hard on my back relentlessly until I finally coughed up the nickel. But first of all, I was a difficult breech birth. Too bad it didn't kill me. How did I survive my first five years? Why would God save me from those things only to end up dying like this?! And I haven't even mentioned a severe car wreck, falling off a train (never mind the story), an out of control car that crossed my lane just feet away and hitting a telephone pole, just barely missed being bitten by a rattle snake when I almost stepped on it barefooted when I wS ###, someone drugged me at a party but my parents never to me to hospital and let me sleep for 24 hours - sometimes I think my parents wNted me to die. And not to mention all the numerous times as a kid that I was rushed to the emergency room because of a severe asthma attack, and all the times as an adult I woke up desperately gasping for air due to my severe sleep apnea as recently as this year and late last year. There's plenty more but you get the picture. What's the point in being delivered from all of these "close calls" only to end up having to end it all on my own? I'm not waiting to lose everything as outlined above. I have "family" but not any of them care. If I lay down flat tonight on my back without any pillows to prop myself up I could cause a severe apnea incident that I might not recover from. If that doesn't happen, by sleeping in the afore-mentioned position, I could also cause a severe acid reflux/gerd attack in my sleep and choke to death. Or, if I'm lucky, both scenarios could happen. If none of these happen, there are plenty of cliffs to jump off of where I live. At this point, it doesn't matter how I leave, it only matters that I leave before the aforementioned drastic scenario. Though my first thoughts of suicide was when I was ### years old and I made a feeble attempt to try to suffocate myself with my pillow and obviously failed, I have always had thoughts of suicide throughout my life and am surprised I made it this far. I've battled severe depression since diagnosed with it when I wS ###. Later on diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD due to childhood abuse and trauma. Recently I'm not sleeping well, I've had onset of asthma attacks that I haven't had in fifty years; I'm also having panic attacks, and hyper ventilating. At times I've felt like i'm suffocating and have had to leave places. Is this what it's like when everything is crashing?! If so, I wish I would just finally crash for good so I won't have to do it myself. I wish I could have some more of the fun, joy, peace, and good times I had so many years ago. I don't know what happened to me. Maybe it was the ECT sessions I had back in ###. I was desperate. I don't recommend ECT to anyone. I think that drastic procedure might even cause some irreparable damage in the mind. I'm done. There's nothing left within me. Sometimes one just has to take the kamikaze crash.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have.