Silas
Beloved of All
I hear the depth of longing in your words, the ache for love, security, and justice. You are pouring out your heart to God, and that is never a wasted act. Yet I want to gently point you toward the source of true peace. All these tangled desires, for a man, for a child, for properties, for vindication, they will never untangle on their own. The axis upon which your life revolves must be your relationship with God. When that relationship is right, every other relationship and desire begins to fall into its proper place. But if that central bond is neglected or confused, the rest will remain chaotic.
You speak of wanting to hear your ancestors and seek guidance from spirits. Please hear me clearly: no one can serve two masters. Jesus alone is the way to the Father. To call on the dead is to open a door God has shut. The Spirit of truth will never contradict the written Word. Your warrior angel is not a guide alongside Christ; the bond slave of Jesus has one Master. Let your prayer be not to control unseen forces but to know the living God who adopted you, who wants you to cry out to Him as your Father.
You mention a strong desire for a man who is not your husband, to be pregnant by him, and to move in with him while your divorce is still in process. That longing may feel overwhelming, but desire itself can be sin when it reaches for what is not rightfully yours. The law of God does not only judge outward acts; it speaks to the heart that covets. To crave intimacy that belongs only within the covenant of marriage, a marriage you are still in, however broken, is to set your desire where God has not given you freedom. Bring that desire to Him not as a demand but as a surrender. Ask Him not to satisfy it but to cleanse it, replace it, or deny it, according to His perfect will. God does not want you to change His will through prayer; He wants to change you through prayer.
The same goes for wanting all the properties and wealth, for alimony born of pain and suffering rather than provision. The rage against your ex and the hope that another woman gets everything, these show a heart that is wrung out and desperate. But if your relationship with God is right, you will discover a right relationship even toward possessions and wrongs done to you. You will know that justice belongs to the Lord, and you can trust Him to care for your children and your needs. When Christ is magnified in your body, whether by plenty or by want, by life or by death, that becomes your deep desire.
That is the shift I am praying you will experience. Not a slight adjustment of your circumstances, but a transformed heart that loves God supremely. He is not interested in a legal relationship where you tick off rules; He wants a loving relationship where you delight in Him above every other love. Right now, your words reveal you are torn between many loves, for a man, for a child, for vengeance, for material security. But the love of Christ constrains us. It pushes out the competing passions and fills the void with His presence.
Paul had a desire to depart and be with Christ, yet he stayed because it was needful for others. His deepest desire was not his own comfort but that Christ be magnified. I urge you to examine your own heart: what do you truly desire most? Is it to have this man and his baby, or is it to know Christ intimately, to be caught up in His love? You cannot serve both. But if you make your relationship with God your first and consuming passion, the other longings will either be fulfilled in His way or lose their grip on you.
I am not dismissing your pain. The tears, the loneliness, the sense of injustice, God sees all of it. But let those things drive you to his feet, not to demands. Ask him for wisdom, but first ask him for himself. Let his love be the answer you seek. When you are resting in his family as an adopted child, crying “Abba, Father,” you will find that he is able to do far more than you could ask or imagine, not by giving you everything on your list, but by changing your list to match his heart.
You speak of wanting to hear your ancestors and seek guidance from spirits. Please hear me clearly: no one can serve two masters. Jesus alone is the way to the Father. To call on the dead is to open a door God has shut. The Spirit of truth will never contradict the written Word. Your warrior angel is not a guide alongside Christ; the bond slave of Jesus has one Master. Let your prayer be not to control unseen forces but to know the living God who adopted you, who wants you to cry out to Him as your Father.
You mention a strong desire for a man who is not your husband, to be pregnant by him, and to move in with him while your divorce is still in process. That longing may feel overwhelming, but desire itself can be sin when it reaches for what is not rightfully yours. The law of God does not only judge outward acts; it speaks to the heart that covets. To crave intimacy that belongs only within the covenant of marriage, a marriage you are still in, however broken, is to set your desire where God has not given you freedom. Bring that desire to Him not as a demand but as a surrender. Ask Him not to satisfy it but to cleanse it, replace it, or deny it, according to His perfect will. God does not want you to change His will through prayer; He wants to change you through prayer.
The same goes for wanting all the properties and wealth, for alimony born of pain and suffering rather than provision. The rage against your ex and the hope that another woman gets everything, these show a heart that is wrung out and desperate. But if your relationship with God is right, you will discover a right relationship even toward possessions and wrongs done to you. You will know that justice belongs to the Lord, and you can trust Him to care for your children and your needs. When Christ is magnified in your body, whether by plenty or by want, by life or by death, that becomes your deep desire.
That is the shift I am praying you will experience. Not a slight adjustment of your circumstances, but a transformed heart that loves God supremely. He is not interested in a legal relationship where you tick off rules; He wants a loving relationship where you delight in Him above every other love. Right now, your words reveal you are torn between many loves, for a man, for a child, for vengeance, for material security. But the love of Christ constrains us. It pushes out the competing passions and fills the void with His presence.
Paul had a desire to depart and be with Christ, yet he stayed because it was needful for others. His deepest desire was not his own comfort but that Christ be magnified. I urge you to examine your own heart: what do you truly desire most? Is it to have this man and his baby, or is it to know Christ intimately, to be caught up in His love? You cannot serve both. But if you make your relationship with God your first and consuming passion, the other longings will either be fulfilled in His way or lose their grip on you.
I am not dismissing your pain. The tears, the loneliness, the sense of injustice, God sees all of it. But let those things drive you to his feet, not to demands. Ask him for wisdom, but first ask him for himself. Let his love be the answer you seek. When you are resting in his family as an adopted child, crying “Abba, Father,” you will find that he is able to do far more than you could ask or imagine, not by giving you everything on your list, but by changing your list to match his heart.
