Part 17

[Anonymous]

My heart is dying. I have a headache. I have been experiencing endless dizziness for several weeks now, and I do not know what is causing it. I can no longer find any meaning in my suffering. After a decade of mistreatment in churches, of being stabbed right through the heart, and of continually having to endure abusive situations of all kinds, I have reached the point where I no longer love Jesus. In the end, I even hate Him.

I do not understand why I have to beg Him for protection that never comes, why He seems to have such a hard time sparing me emotionally, why this abusive person in my circle was willing to do anything to push me into the arms of a man I did not want to be with while putting down a man I genuinely wanted to spend time with, even if it meant breaking my heart over and over again, and then playing the victim in response to my reactions.

Why do I have to keep reminding this person about a basic conversation regarding the sexual abuse I suffered, when I have been asking for one for years and I am still suffering from it today? My own sexual desires frighten me, and I do not want them in my body; yet despite that, I have had to deal with pressure concerning marriage, and I have been worn down by it beyond belief, even though I made it clear that I was suffering because of it, that I had anxiety over it, and sometimes even episodes where I felt like I was losing my mind.

Why do I constantly have to justify my right to be seen and heard when everything is being done to prevent me from doing so? I asked for one day to myself with the man of my choice, and it became HELL: months of intense psychological and spiritual pressure over marriage and my choice of man, a complete refusal to consider my consent, and then playing the victim because of my reactions. I was even told that the man I would like to spend a day with would be afraid of me if he knew all of this, and that hurts, because I never wanted any of this.

I am a victim of this situation myself.

All I wanted was to get out of this and be like everyone else, to be normal. And it is as though I have been sabotaged all year long, to the point of being deliberately hurt and even digging up things from nearly two decades ago in my past to justify why I should not have gone toward this person. Why were these forgotten things not brought up until I decided to pursue this man? It even triggered fears in me that I had never had before, fears that constantly torment me emotionally.

I ONLY EVER WANTED TO BE HUMAN.

I keep having nightmares and I have dizziness every single day, even as I write this, which I cannot explain.

And I wonder what could make someone go this far in order to keep one person away from another.

IF FREE WILL IS A CHOICE, WHY IS MINE CONSTANTLY BEING CONTESTED?

Why is it so difficult for people in churches to leave me alone when I ask them to, and why this obsession and relentless determination to seek me out, harm me, or push me to my breaking point at all costs? Why is it that even when I try to keep myself away from everything, I still somehow end up having problems caused for me?

I have finally found a psychologist who can take me on, and I hope it will help me. I no longer know where to begin or what to say. I want to understand what is happening in my mind. I constantly have thoughts of death. Honestly, I am weakened.

Still, I want to apologize to each and every one of you reading this if I have caused you any worry; and I sincerely thank you for reading this far and for listening to my prayers and to my voice.

Once again, I do not want anyone to feel compelled to pray for me, and if anyone has felt pressured to do so, I release you from that pressure.

I would understand if you are perplexed by what I am going through, because I do not understand it myself. I am confused. It is like being caught in a spiral.

I still hope that evidence will emerge, that the truth will be revealed, and that I will no longer be a slave to fear. I still hope that NOTHING WILL HAPPEN THE WAY ALL THESE PEOPLE WANT IT TO.

AND IF I AM BURIED: IT WILL BE WITH THE THOUGHTS OF MY HEART UPON MY LIPS UNTIL MY LAST BREATH. I WILL NEVER BE SILENT AGAIN.

I am not asking any of you to do anything, so please be at peace if you do not feel led to intercede on my behalf. I wish you well and many beautiful things. May each of you be yourselves; that makes me smile, and I sincerely mean it.

I will remember the help, support, and attention I have received from you.

THANK YOU ALL.

 

[Articles]

We have read your words with deep heaviness and compassion, and we have carried them before the Lord together. We hear how exhausted you are in body and spirit, the headaches, the endless dizziness for weeks, the nightmares, the feeling that your heart is dying, and the confusion of not knowing what is causing it. We hear the deeper wound of a decade of mistreatment in churches, of being stabbed through the heart again and again, of having to endure abusive situations until you have reached the place where you say you no longer love Jesus and even hate Him. We do not take those words lightly, and we do not turn away from you for saying them.

The Lord sees the truth of what you have endured. He is not distant from your suffering, even when it feels that He is. Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. Psalm 61:2 says When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. We weep with you that people who should have represented Christ instead harmed you, pressured you, silenced you, and played the victim when you reacted to being hurt. That is not the heart of Jesus. People can use the name of God while acting against His will, but Jesus Himself was rejected, betrayed, falsely accused, and abused, and He understands what it is to be wounded by religious people. He does not hate you for your honest anger, but we must gently and truthfully say that directing that hatred toward Him will keep you from the very One who can heal you. He is not your abuser. He is your refuge. John 14:6 says Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. Acts 4:12 says There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. It is only through Jesus that we have access to God, and we urge you not to let the cruelty of people steal Him from you.

We also hear your anguish about protection that seemed never to come, and about free will being constantly contested. God gave free will because love must be freely chosen, and He Himself honors consent. When a person in your circle tries to push you into the arms of a man you do not want while putting down a man you genuinely wanted to spend time with, when they refuse to consider your consent, dig up things from nearly two decades ago to justify controlling your choice, and then blame you for your reactions, that is manipulation and abuse, and God does not approve of it. The Lord tests the righteous, but the wicked and him who loves violence his soul hates, Psalm 11:5. True biblical love does not coerce. We believe in the sanctity of marriage as a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and we strongly endorse marriage when it is entered freely before God, but courtship must be a free choice toward marriage with another Christian believer, never forced, never pressured, never achieved by wearing someone down until they feel they are losing their mind. Your right to be seen and heard does not need to be justified. You were created by God to be human, to have a voice, to make choices, and to be treated with dignity. For nothing is hidden that will not be revealed, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light, Luke 8:17. We pray that truth will be revealed and that you will no longer be a slave to fear.

We hear also the pain of sexual abuse that has never been given the basic conversation you have asked for for years, and how it still torments you today. That conversation is owed to you. Being heard about abuse is not too much to ask. It is necessary for healing. We also hear that your own sexual desires frighten you and that you do not want them in your body, especially while facing relentless pressure concerning marriage. Please hear us with gentleness on this. Desires themselves are part of being human, but God designed sexual intimacy to be expressed only within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman. Sex before or outside of marriage is fornication, and if one is married, outside that marriage is adultery, and God calls us to flee from that for our own protection, 1 Corinthians 6:18. Your fear does not make you shameful. It makes you a wounded person who needs healing, not pressure. No one should be pushing you toward marriage or toward any man while you are carrying anxiety, trauma, and fear. That pressure is not from God. God is patient and kind and never forces a daughter of His into a union she does not freely and peacefully choose.

We are deeply concerned about your physical suffering and your thoughts of death. Endless dizziness, headaches, nightmares, and feeling weakened every day are serious, and we urge you to seek prompt medical care alongside the psychological help you have now found. We thank God that you have found a psychologist who can take you on, and we encourage you to be fully honest there about the dizziness, the nightmares, the anxiety, the history of sexual abuse, the church hurt, and the constant thoughts of death. You are not weak for having those thoughts. You are overwhelmed and need support. Please do not stay alone with them. Reach out right away to a trusted medical professional, counselor, pastor who is safe, or crisis help in your area if those thoughts grow stronger. You said you only ever wanted to be human and to be normal and to get out of this. That longing is holy and human, and God placed it in you. Matthew 11:28 says Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. 1 Peter 5:7 says casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you. He does care, even when people have not.

You apologized for causing worry and you released others from feeling compelled to pray, but we choose to pray because we want to, and because we believe prayer in Jesus name is powerful. We do not pray from pressure but from love.

We pray together now for you.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You for this precious one who is suffering so deeply. Lord, You see the headaches and dizziness that will not end, the nightmares, the exhaustion, the heart that feels like it is dying. We ask You to have mercy and bring healing to this body. Lead doctors and counselors to wisdom to find the cause and to bring relief. Lord, You see a decade of wounds from churches, the betrayals, the stab wounds to the heart, the abusive control, the silencing, the pressure over marriage and over the choice of a man, the refusal to honor consent, the digging up of the past, the spiritual pressure that became hell. We ask You to be a wall of protection where protection has not been felt. Be a strong tower, for Proverbs 18:10 says The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe. Reveal truth, expose manipulation, and let no plan of harm succeed. Give this dear one a voice that will no longer be silenced, and bring people who will listen, believe, and protect.

Lord Jesus, You know what it is to be hated and misunderstood, and You do not turn away from honest pain. Forgive the hatred that has grown from such hurt, and gently draw this heart back to Yourself. Show that You are not the one who abused, but the One who was wounded for our healing. Isaiah 53:5 says But he was pierced for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought our peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Heal the memory of sexual abuse, calm the frightening desires and the anxiety that feels like losing the mind, and restore a sense of safety in this body. Give peace to the mind that is caught in a spiral and confused, and lift the constant thoughts of death. Replace them with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future.

Father, bless the work with the new psychologist, give clarity about what is happening in the mind, and surround this life with safe, godly people who will honor free will, who will not seek out to harm or push to the breaking point, and who will leave alone when asked and draw near with kindness when needed. Let it be that nothing happens the way those who wish harm want it to, but only as You will. Until the last breath, let the thoughts of the heart be spoken in truth and heard. In Jesus name we pray, amen.

We encourage you to keep that appointment with your psychologist, to also see a medical doctor promptly for the daily dizziness and headaches, and to set firm boundaries with anyone who continues to pressure you about marriage or your choice of who to spend time with. It is right and biblical to say no, to ask for space, and to require that any courtship be freely chosen, unhurried, and centered on Christ with the goal of a godly marriage if God so leads, not forced by any person. You do not have to justify your consent. You do not have to earn the right to be heard.

We thank you for trusting us with your voice. We have heard you. More importantly, God has heard you. Even when you feel you can no longer love Him, His love for you has not moved. Romans 8:38-39 says For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Please stay connected to help, keep reaching out, and allow us to continue praying for you. You are not forgotten, you are not alone, and you are still deeply human and deeply loved.

 

[hostadmin]

We want to pause right at the start because you mentioned constant thoughts of death, nightmares, and feeling weakened. If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support from trained people, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You are not alone and help is available right now.

Thank you for letting us hear your voice after so much has hurt you. We hear how exhausted you are, and how heavy these years in churches and with this person in your circle have been, especially with the pressure around marriage and consent and the ongoing pain from sexual abuse. Wanting simply to be human, to be seen and heard and allowed to make your own choices, is a deeply legitimate longing.

We are glad you have found a psychologist who can take you on. That is an important next step, and it is understandable to not know where to begin. If it helps, you could bring what you wrote here, or a short note about what feels most urgent to you right now, so you do not have to find all the words in the moment.

With the daily dizziness, headaches and nightmares you described, we also encourage you to let a medical doctor know soon, alongside your psychologist, so they can look into what may be contributing physically as well as the strain you are carrying.

You do not need to apologize for worrying us. We are grateful you reached out, and we are holding you in prayer.

Jesus, we lift this dear person to You right now. You see the pain, the confusion, and the weariness, and the desire to be free from fear. Please surround them with safety, with trustworthy care, and with gentle support in the days ahead. Give wisdom to those who care for them and help them feel heard and respected. In Your name we pray, amen.

 

[Caden202]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Jonathan_M]

I prayed for this request in Jesus Name.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your lament has been read with deep sorrow and with careful attention, and I thank you for entrusting such painful and heavy things to be heard. What you describe, weeks of headache and ceaseless dizziness, nightmares, fear, exhaustion, thoughts of death, and the ache of being pressured and wounded over many years, is a heavy burden to carry. It is right that you have found a psychologist who can take you on, and I urge you to continue with that help and also to seek medical care promptly for the physical symptoms you describe, that a physician may examine you and walk with you in understanding what is happening in your body. If thoughts of death press strongly upon you, please reach out without delay to a trusted person near you, to your doctor or counselor, or to a crisis helpline in your country, and let someone stay with you. You need not face these hours alone.

You have spoken with stark honesty that you no longer love Jesus and even hate Him, that you have begged for protection that seemed not to come, and that you can no longer find meaning in suffering. That honesty, though painful to write and painful to read, is better than pretense. The Lord cannot stand with us on the platform of seeming and appearance, but only on the ground of what we really are, and therefore in proportion as we are untrue we cut ourselves off from God. The Pharisee who claimed righteousness was not accepted because he was out of the light, that is to say, he was not speaking and feeling according to truth. It is far better to come without a trace of feeling and tell Him just what you are, than to pretend. You may dare, even over the head of all your sin and sorrow and anger, to say, Nevertheless, I rest myself on the blood that cleanses from all sin, and beseech Him to cleanse from all unrighteousness. The blood of Jesus Christ has made a full atonement, and God will be faithful to that atonement. He will deal with you on the grounds of the covenant of grace, of which the sacrifice of Jesus is the seal.

Do not think that hateful feelings toward Him put you beyond His reach. Salvation is through Jesus Christ alone, not through the strength of our love for Him, but through His love for us. When despair says our hope is lost, it speaks a word beyond the truth of God. God is the God of hope, and to sit down in despair is to believe the lie of hell and reject the Word of God from heaven, and to trample upon the very blood that was shed to cleanse us from all sin. There is a hope which is no hope, the hope of saving ourselves by our own repentance or resolve, and that indeed will weary you to no purpose. But there is a living hope through believing in Jesus Christ, and that hope is strengthened by the patience and comfort of the Scriptures. Even a half promise from God has lifted souls out of the depths and made them rise again into the light of His countenance. I pray that light may visit you, not because you have manufactured feeling, but because He is faithful.

What you describe of pressure concerning marriage, of being pushed toward a man you did not want while being torn from a man you did want, of having your consent refused and your reactions then used against you, of having things from nearly two decades ago dug up to justify keeping you from your own choice, is grievous. Free will is indeed a gift of God, and to contest and crush another person's conscience and consent is not of God. It is not for the Church to adopt the cant of the present day and call such coercion love. The Church of the living God is to be the pillar and ground of the truth, and God in His mercy condescends to dwell among His people, but He does not author abuse, manipulation, or the relentless pursuit that harms and wears down the soul. That you have had to justify your right to be seen and heard, to beg for a basic conversation about sexual abuse you suffered and to be left still suffering, is wrong. Your fright at your own sexual desires after such wounds is understandable, and your anxiety and episodes of feeling you were losing your mind under such pressure are not signs that you are less than human. You are human, fully and truly, and your voice matters. It is right to set boundaries, to seek safety, and to keep yourself from harm, even when others refuse to leave you alone.

Concerning marriage, hear the historic and biblical ethic we hold before God with care. Marriage is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and sex and living together belong within it. This design is given for good and for protection, not for coercion. No one should press you into marriage, nor press you toward any man, nor use spiritual pressure to wear you down. That pressure you have endured, beyond belief and against your clearly expressed suffering, is not the way of Christ. We will not ask God to bless any relationship or situation that runs against His design, but we do ask Him to grant you protection, clarity, truth to be revealed, healing from trauma, and wisdom to walk in His ways at His pace, without fear as your master.

High thoughts of God beget hope, and low thoughts of God hold us in bondage. When nothing else is left, God remains and God appears. He grants pardon when we are humbled, and healing often follows pardon, for He sees the sick unto death and hears the cry for forgiveness and restoration. You need not have beautiful feelings to come. Come as you are, with headache and dizziness, with nightmares and confusion, with anger and hatred confessed as they are, and rest upon Christ alone.

Thank you for speaking, for persevering to the end of your letter, and for your kindness in thinking of others even while you are weakened. You have not caused worry as a fault. You have allowed others to hear the truth of your pain. I do not press you to pray if you have no strength, yet know that your needs will be brought before the Lord for mercy, for safety, for bodily healing, for deliverance from fear, for truth to be made plain, and for the God of patience and comfort to fill you with joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Continue with your psychologist, keep your physician informed of every symptom, keep a few safe persons near who know how you are from day to day, and keep the Scriptures near you, even if only a single verse at a time. If you are buried under these thoughts, let your lips still speak the truth as you have done here. You will not be forgotten. May the Lord who is faithful to His atonement meet you in the valley as surely as on the hill, and give you to know yourself cleansed, heard, and kept by Him.

 

[Powers]

I prayed with you for this, in Jesus' powerful Name, Amen.

 

[The Encourager]

May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.

God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net

Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body

Healed Spirit Soul And Body

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