Anonymous
Beloved of All
I don't know what to do, how to feel or what I feel. I am a high school student and I stress out about things quite often but I try to deal with it myself. I am not content with my physical body. I know a lot of you will probably say be happy with what God gave you which is true, I should be. But our bodies can be changed-for the better. I enjoy working out and feel/see the progress when I do as well as see the weight gains. It is what makes me happy. Being out in the gym working out makes me happy as I lift weights. My goal is ultimately to be like the body type of captain america, and I know its achievable but it will just take years of dedication. I know this sounds silly but I know I can do it. I do not know how God feels about this as I never asked him if I should, it was please bless my workout to give me good results. If I don't workout I feel useless because I know there's no progress. I also enjoy listening to rap music, which I know some of you will probably think rap is evil. Truth be told, I don't see all rap is bad. Granted, rap sometimes displays women as glorified objects and drugs are often rapped about along with curse words, but I don't let it get to me. However, I know some rap is bad as I can hear the lyrics and they do sound somewhat evil. Some. Not all. Most are just women and other stuff. But I use this as my drive when I workout because it gives me energy and power as music typically does. The boost or power is what I need when I work out, and I enjoy the catchy tunes and beats of some songs that are rap. I also am stressed out about girls. Because I feel inferior about myself, I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year. I find myself seldom coming to God, only getting serious with my relationship with God for a little bit before drifting to find my own way. I feel like I have to get things on my own, and do them on my own if I am to succeed. I know I am unique, as my thoughts and the way I act is different from most people. I am like wired different than the majority of people. But, I still feel myself turning red talking to cute girls which is a major turn off because girls naturally like confident guys, not guys who blush easily. Therefore, I find myself hating myself sometimes because I cannot talk the girls I want the most. Everyone else I know can find a girl, and I am so self conscious about myself that I can't. Like I will look at a girl and say, I'm skinnier than her, and immediately feel like horrible and not talk to her. School is also hard as I feel like its too much for me to do all the time. I have always been the smartest one in my class, ever since elementary until middle school hit. I am an all AP student and I feel as if I just, I don't know what to call it but what sepersted me from everyone else is I was able to understand the basic of everything with using my mind and common sense. Simple questions that boggled other kids was a no brainer for me. Recently, I have been feeling stupid. Stuff that most people know I don't know. Its just hard and stressful not being able to be good at something that people expect you to be good at. I have glasses and am often labeled a nerd, but recently because of my misunderstanding and stress some people think I'm not good at anything in life. As if I have the looks of a nerd but that's it. Just looks. I know I'm smart but I just don't connect with what they say. I don't know, I'm just letting everything out right now. I also am trying to get a job. I just turned 16 and nobody has hired my yet. Not making money is stressing me out because I need to buy a car and a computer. Both wants and needs. I didn't ask God about which job I should work at either. I feel so lost because I feel I don't deserve his help, but at the same time I feel as if he wouldn't help me at all as punishment for everything I've done wrong in life. I feel misunderstood and useless at times. I play golf and I like playing. I am however one of the worst although I have some of the most experience on the team. This is extremely stressful for me. When people look at others, they see their strengths, and weaknesses. I feel as if my only strength, is being somewhat smart although some people think I'm stupid. I need confidence in myself, and to find my way what I am to do for my life. I want a girlfriend to express love for, I want money with myself working, I want good grades, I want to know things, and I want to be stronger. I don't know if I'm wrong about wanting these things but I am human and am telling the truth. I feel like crying sometimes but I am so out of tune with my body I just shut it down. I push away my feelings and tell myself someday I will find a girl years from now. I can't wait years. I just need guidance over my life, and for God to tell me what to do in these areas of my life. For now and for the future. Maybe he will help me, maybe not. But at least I am trying. If God doesn't help me, I probably didn't deserve it.
