Silas
Beloved of All
I hear how exhausted and trapped you feel, and thank you for being this honest. You have tried so hard in your own strength and you feel like nothing works, that you are damned and even unable to feel sorry the way you think you should. That numbness and the daily cycle does not mean you are beyond hope, but it does show how powerful this struggle has become.
What you are describing is not just a bad habit that can be fixed with a detox or a healthier routine. Lust wages war inside us, and when we feed it it acts like a captivity. It takes hold like a drug and holds a person in a grip that will not let go easily. At first it may seem like a small sampling or curiosity, but it quickly becomes a master. One of the reasons it feels so hopeless is that the appetite of the flesh is never satisfied. When you sow to the flesh you are feeding something that always demands more and never says enough. That is why a month of victory can be followed by a daily defeat, and why the desires can grow darker and feel more perverse over time. Any sexual desire or act outside the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman is outside God's design, and it will always lead further into slavery rather than freedom.
Scripture describes the pull of the world in three ways, the craving of the flesh, the craving of the eyes, and the pride of life. That pattern started in the garden and is still how temptation works today. We live in a time when the opportunities to feed the eyes and the flesh are everywhere, on screens, on billboards, in entertainment, and the flood of images makes the battle constant. But that whole system is passing away along with its cravings. It promises pleasure and leaves emptiness.
You mentioned that you have prayed and tried to run to God and rely on Him, but no one has explained how. Prayer was never meant to be a way to get our own will done on earth or to consume something for our own pleasure. Prayer is coming to God to align our will with His and to ask for His strength to do what is right. Relying on God is not a technique, it is trusting a Person. It is believing that Jesus Christ alone can save, that He took your sin and your guilt on the cross and paid the full penalty for it, and then turning to Him in honest confession and dependence every day, not in your own willpower.
You also wrote that you do not feel guilty enough to even cry. Guilt has a way of coming out one way or another. Sometimes we try to cover it or hide it, even from ourselves, and we become numb. Sometimes we feel we need to be punished to feel free from it, and we live in a cycle of failure and frustration. Only the gospel can actually remove guilt, because Jesus bore it for you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but outside of Him condemnation remains. That is why the path back is not to try harder to feel a certain emotion, but to confess honestly to God, to agree with Him about your sin without excuse, and to receive His forgiveness. David tried to hide his sin and found the hand of God heavy and his life miserable, but when he confessed, he found that God lifted the weight and restored the relationship and then said, I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go, I will guide you.
You said reading the Bible feels impossible and everything distracts you. That distraction is part of the battle for your mind. God wants to wash your mind with His Word. Even a few verses read honestly and prayed over are not wasted. Ask Him before you read to give you understanding and to cleanse the filth that has built up, and keep coming back. He is faithful to instruct and guide those who seek Him.
You love God and yet you feel you do not care about the sin at the same time. That tension is the war within. Do not stay isolated with it. Bring it into the light with a trusted, mature believer or pastor who holds to Scripture and can walk with you, help you put real barriers in place to cut off access, and keep you accountable. Make decisive choices to remove what feeds the lust of the eyes, because you cannot feed the flesh and starve it at the same time.
You are not damned if you will turn to Christ in faith and walk with Him. You were once living according to the cravings of the flesh and the mind, as we all were by nature, but God offers forgiveness and freedom that no self help plan can give. Confess your sin to Him today in plain words, ask Him to forgive you through the blood of Jesus, ask Him to break this captivity and set your mind free, and ask Him to teach you to walk in His way. He hears that kind of prayer and He delights to answer it.
What you are describing is not just a bad habit that can be fixed with a detox or a healthier routine. Lust wages war inside us, and when we feed it it acts like a captivity. It takes hold like a drug and holds a person in a grip that will not let go easily. At first it may seem like a small sampling or curiosity, but it quickly becomes a master. One of the reasons it feels so hopeless is that the appetite of the flesh is never satisfied. When you sow to the flesh you are feeding something that always demands more and never says enough. That is why a month of victory can be followed by a daily defeat, and why the desires can grow darker and feel more perverse over time. Any sexual desire or act outside the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman is outside God's design, and it will always lead further into slavery rather than freedom.
Scripture describes the pull of the world in three ways, the craving of the flesh, the craving of the eyes, and the pride of life. That pattern started in the garden and is still how temptation works today. We live in a time when the opportunities to feed the eyes and the flesh are everywhere, on screens, on billboards, in entertainment, and the flood of images makes the battle constant. But that whole system is passing away along with its cravings. It promises pleasure and leaves emptiness.
You mentioned that you have prayed and tried to run to God and rely on Him, but no one has explained how. Prayer was never meant to be a way to get our own will done on earth or to consume something for our own pleasure. Prayer is coming to God to align our will with His and to ask for His strength to do what is right. Relying on God is not a technique, it is trusting a Person. It is believing that Jesus Christ alone can save, that He took your sin and your guilt on the cross and paid the full penalty for it, and then turning to Him in honest confession and dependence every day, not in your own willpower.
You also wrote that you do not feel guilty enough to even cry. Guilt has a way of coming out one way or another. Sometimes we try to cover it or hide it, even from ourselves, and we become numb. Sometimes we feel we need to be punished to feel free from it, and we live in a cycle of failure and frustration. Only the gospel can actually remove guilt, because Jesus bore it for you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but outside of Him condemnation remains. That is why the path back is not to try harder to feel a certain emotion, but to confess honestly to God, to agree with Him about your sin without excuse, and to receive His forgiveness. David tried to hide his sin and found the hand of God heavy and his life miserable, but when he confessed, he found that God lifted the weight and restored the relationship and then said, I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go, I will guide you.
You said reading the Bible feels impossible and everything distracts you. That distraction is part of the battle for your mind. God wants to wash your mind with His Word. Even a few verses read honestly and prayed over are not wasted. Ask Him before you read to give you understanding and to cleanse the filth that has built up, and keep coming back. He is faithful to instruct and guide those who seek Him.
You love God and yet you feel you do not care about the sin at the same time. That tension is the war within. Do not stay isolated with it. Bring it into the light with a trusted, mature believer or pastor who holds to Scripture and can walk with you, help you put real barriers in place to cut off access, and keep you accountable. Make decisive choices to remove what feeds the lust of the eyes, because you cannot feed the flesh and starve it at the same time.
You are not damned if you will turn to Christ in faith and walk with Him. You were once living according to the cravings of the flesh and the mind, as we all were by nature, but God offers forgiveness and freedom that no self help plan can give. Confess your sin to Him today in plain words, ask Him to forgive you through the blood of Jesus, ask Him to break this captivity and set your mind free, and ask Him to teach you to walk in His way. He hears that kind of prayer and He delights to answer it.
