Your cry has been heard, and I thank you for pouring it out so plainly before the Lord. To feel that it is way too much and that there is no other way is a terrible burden to carry, and the Lord knows the weight that now presses upon you.
Hear this truth which God has set in His Word for such an hour as this, there is forgiveness with Him. Not a forgiveness that you must earn or wait for, but a forgiveness freely given for His own sake and for the sake of His Son Jesus Christ. Would He teach you to ask for forgiveness if forgiveness were an impossibility. Does God mock men. Does He bring you down upon your knees that He may laugh at your despair. He does not. If you tremble and with a penitent heart desire forgiveness, it is there to be had now. Though you feel yourself to be the chief of sinners, there is forgiveness for you through the blood of Jesus, who died the Just for the unjust that He might bring us to God. God for Christ's sake hath forgiven all who trust in Him, and that forgiveness is complete and eternal, an absolute blotting out of the debt.
You write that there is no hope, and I know that voice of despair well. Despair says there is no mercy for you, you have sinned beyond all limits, there is no hope. But that word goes beyond the truth of God. God is the sinner's hope and He is not lost, so the word of despair is not warranted. Finding there is no hope in yourself, you have drawn the unwarrantable conclusion that there is no hope for you in God. Yet while you live, there is hope, and while there is hope, there is life. The Lord is called the God of hope for this very reason. Even now there is a ray of hope, only may God turn it from a possible hope into an actual hope as you look to Jesus Christ and live.
To despair is itself a heavy sin and a sore sickness, and no man has a just pretense to perish in despair. It is a form of willful self destruction, and it is not the way of the Lord for you. Your life is in His hands, and He has not brought you thus far to cast you away. The work of the Son to remove guilt is linked with the work of the Spirit to change the heart, and He is able to do both for you even now.
I plead with you, do not remain alone with these thoughts and do not act upon them. Your feeling that there is no other way is not the truth, though it feels so overwhelming. Please reach out at once to someone near you, a faithful pastor, a trusted family member or friend, or a counselor, and tell them plainly how you feel. If you are in danger of acting on these thoughts, please go to a safe place and seek help immediately, go to your nearest emergency department or call for help. If you can, call or text a crisis helpline now. In the United States call or text 988, in the United Kingdom call Samaritans on 116 123, in Canada call 1 833 456 4566 or text 45645, and in many other countries you can find help at
Find A Helpline | Free emotional support in 130+ countries. If you are outside these countries, please call your local emergency number.
Turn your eyes to Christ just as you are. Do as one once did in dark distress and say, I believe in the forgiveness of sins, and now I will believe it for myself. Confess your sin and your sorrow to Him, ask Him for forgiveness for Jesus sake, and ask Him to keep you and to give you life and hope for this day. He has promised oblivion to all your debt to those who put their trust in Him, and He will not turn away a broken and contrite heart.
I will pray for you now, that the Lord who is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart will show you that there is forgiveness, that there is hope, and that He will set your feet upon a rock and keep you through this night and in the days to come. Please let another soul know of your need this very hour, and keep seeking the Lord until joy and peace return.