God abandoned me for 5 years

[Anonymous]

God has truly disgusted me, abandoned me during the darkest of times, no relief in prayer, I’ve watched years of prayer go down the drain. I only serve God because he is the only way but honestly God makes me wish I was never born, if I was never born I would never have to experience his lack of response and coldness in times of despair, when I read about the God of comfort during darkest time in the Bible and realize that’s not the God I experienced over these past years, it makes me want to walk away from God, the only thing is there is no where to go and the times I tried to walk away he pulled me back, those are the only times he has reached out to me. I choose to stay because he have to pray daily and tear the devil kingdom down and help people who are lost in sin and I can’t do that if I walk away from him.

 

[Articles]

We hear the deep pain and exhaustion in your words and we grieve with you over these five years that have felt so dark and silent. We thank you for being honest about feeling abandoned, disgusted, cold and unheard, and for still choosing to stay even when your heart wants to walk away. That wrestling itself shows that God has not let go of you.

We want to gently and lovingly correct something you have said, not to shame you but to bring truth to your despair. God has not abandoned you and He is not disgusting or cold. Our feelings, even very strong and long lasting feelings, do not change His character or His promises. He says in Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Don't be afraid or scared of them; for Yahweh your God himself is who goes with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you. And again in Hebrews 13:5 I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you. When you tried to walk away and felt Him pull you back, that was not the only time He reached out, that was proof He has been holding you the whole time. Nothing can separate us from His love in Romans 8:38-39.

We also hear you say you wish you had never been born. That cry is in Scripture. Job said in Job 3:11 Why didn't I die from the womb, and Jeremiah and David cried out in similar anguish in Psalm 13:1 How long, Yahweh? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? Even Jesus cried Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? God does not rebuke you for the honest cry, but He does want you to know your life is not a mistake. In Psalm 139:13-14 we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and in Jeremiah 29:11 He says For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future. Your wish to have never been born comes from prolonged suffering, not from the truth of your value to Him.

We also notice you speak of God but do not mention Jesus Christ. We want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and that our prayers are heard. Jesus said in John 14:6 I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. And in Acts 4:12 There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. If you are serving God only because He is the only way and out of duty, we urge you to come to Him through faith in Jesus Christ, believing He died for your sins and rose again, not just as the only option left but as your Savior who loves you personally and intercedes for you. It is His name that gives us confidence that our prayers are not going down the drain. In Revelation 8:4 the prayers of the saints go up before God, and in Psalm 56:8 He puts our tears in His bottle and writes them in His book. No prayer prayed in Jesus name is wasted, even when we do not see the answer we expect or in the time we expect.

The God of comfort you read about in the Bible is still the same God you are experiencing now, even in silence. In Psalm 34:18 Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. In Lamentations 3:22-23 It is because of Yahweh's loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn't fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. And in Isaiah 41:10 Don't you be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. Sometimes His comfort is not immediate relief but sustaining grace to endure and be refined. In James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you fall into various temptations, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let endurance have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. And in Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

We understand your desire to pray daily and tear the devil's kingdom down and help those lost in sin. That is a holy desire, but we encourage you to examine your motive. We do not serve Him primarily to do warfare, we serve Him because we love Him and He first loved us. Then from that love flows ministry. In 1 Peter 5:7 cast all your worries on him, because he cares for you. He wants your heart even more than your service.

We pray together for you now.

Father in heaven, we come before You in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, who is the only way to You. We lift up this dear one who has felt abandoned, disgusted, cold and unheard for five long years. Lord, forgive the words spoken from deep hurt that accused You, and have mercy on a crushed and weary heart. Reveal Yourself as You truly are, faithful, near, compassionate and unchanging. Let them know in a fresh way that You have never left them nor forsaken them, that You have been collecting every tear and hearing every prayer. Break through the silence with Your presence, not necessarily as they expect, but as You know is best. Heal the wound that makes them wish they had never been born and remind them that they are fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose that still stands. Restore joy in their prayer life, give them endurance to wait on You in Psalm 27:14, and turn duty into delight and love for Jesus. Strengthen them to continue to stand against the enemy but from a place of rest in Your love. Comfort them as only You can, and let them experience the God of all comfort in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. We ask that You draw them closer to Jesus, that they would know salvation and access to You is only through His name, and that they would trust Him more deeply. In Jesus name we pray, amen.

We encourage you to stay in the Word daily, even when it feels dry, to pour out your heart honestly like the psalmists did, and to not walk alone. Seek fellowship with mature believers who can stand with you and pray with you. Keep waiting on the Lord, for those who wait on Yahweh will renew their strength in Isaiah 40:31. He has not forgotten you and He will not waste these years.

 

[hostadmin]

We hear how heavy these five years have been for you. To keep praying and feel no relief, to watch years of prayer feel like they went nowhere, to read about God as comfort and not experience Him that way, that is deeply painful and disorienting. It makes sense you feel worn down and even wish you had never been born, and also feel you have nowhere else to go.

Thank you for being honest with us about that tension. We notice you have stayed. Even while feeling coldness and distance, you still choose to pray daily and you still care about helping others who are lost. That quiet staying power in such a long hard season matters, and those moments when you felt pulled back as you tried to walk away matter too.

Feeling abandoned is not the same as being abandoned, but the feeling itself is real and heavy. It deserves care and not just pushing through alone. When prayer has felt empty for so long, carrying it by yourself can make the isolation worse.

If you do not have someone walking closely with you right now, would you consider sharing what you wrote here with one trusted pastor or counselor and meeting with them regularly, so you can be honest out loud and have someone pray with you, not just for you. If this low mood, exhaustion, and hopelessness continue, we gently encourage you to also talk with your doctor or a counselor alongside prayer, so both your heart and your health have support.

Father, we lift our friend to You right now. You see these five years and the ache of feeling unheard. Draw near with Your presence, give rest to a weary heart, and give wisdom and steady companions for the days ahead. Help him to know he is not alone and to hear Your love again in a personal way. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your honest and anguished cry has been heard, and I thank you for pouring out your heart so plainly before the Lord and before His people. To feel for five years that heaven is as brass, to pray and find no relief, to read of the God of all comfort and to think, that is not the God I have known, is a sore and heavy trial. You are not alone in it. Many of the Lord's own, favored by His sovereignty and called by His grace, are still in the body and are made to feel it, being tempted in all points as other men are and in some points peculiarly tried.

Do not let the tempter whisper to you, Never draw near to God, for prayer is all a fancy. I pray you, spurn that thought with all your might and still cry, both in the daytime and at night, for the Lord will still hear your prayer. Brethren must not take delays in prayer for denial. God's long dated bills will be punctually honored. We must not suffer Satan to shake our confidence in the God of truth by pointing to our unanswered prayers. He has a tear bottle in which the costly drops of sacred grief are put away and a book in which your holy groans are numbered, and by and by your suit shall prevail.

You say He has abandoned you, yet even in your letter you bear witness against that fear. You say when you tried to walk away He pulled you back, and those are the only times He has reached out to you. That very drawing back is proof that His hand has not left you. You found God to be your refuge years ago when you were in great distress, and you are in some fresh trouble today, and you fancy God will not help you. He is the eternal God. If He had changed, if He had died, you might be in despair. But His honor is pledged for your salvation, and earth's old pillars may bow, but the promises of God must stand fast.

There are reasons the Lord may keep us waiting, and it is wise to ask Him to search us. Search me, O God, and try me, and know my ways, and see if there is any evil way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Sometimes failure in prayer may be caused by sin that keeps back the blessing, and the Lord says to us, Search and look. At other times He is strengthening your muscles and tendons, sinews and power by the arduous exercise of unanswered prayer that you may be finely useful in the future. And often He does not break down the furnace walls and take us out at once, but He is with us in the fire and cheers us in the midst of the flames. So shall the comfort of God come to you in your time of need. Remember, the comfort which God gives will be a comfort to suit your present place and position. Even where His fire is and His furnace, even there shall you have your comfort.

You ask why the God of comfort has seemed cold. Know this, God does not always give comfort by a distinct act alone, but He quickens us through His Word. The Holy Spirit embodies Himself in these blessed words and works upon our hearts so that we are quickened by the Word. That quickening is the true comfort of the soul. When you read the promise and it is applied with power to you, you are revived. Take a promise such as this and plead it in prayer, Call upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. Can you not take God at His word? If you can, you shall find His promise true. He has been with you in six troubles and He will be with you in the seventh.

Do not be agitated and do not run away to others, but call upon God in calm faith. Do not sit down in silent despair and fretfulness, but call upon Him. You rightly say there is nowhere else to go, for there is no other name under heaven by which we must be saved but Jesus Christ alone. To Him you must go, and to Him you may go, for He is the Friend of sinners, for sinners He lived, for sinners He died, for sinners He rose, for sinners He pleads, for sinners He reigns in glory. If we come to God and say to Him, By the blood and wounds of Jesus, by the griefs of Gethsemane and by the groans of Calvary, hear us, He will hear us.

Therefore keep on in the work to which you feel called, to pray daily and to help those lost in sin, but do not do it in your own strength. Seek the Lord in His house as well as in your closet, for He delights to comfort His people where they gather to hear His Word. Bring your feeble prayers to Him, for you know not in what scales God weighs your prayer, not by quantity but by quality, not by outward verbiage but by the inner soul and intense earnestness that is in it does He compute its value. When we glory in our prayer God will have nothing to do with it, but when we look to Him in weakness, He delights to answer.

May the Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God even our Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, comfort your heart and establish you in every good word and work. Wait upon Him in hope, for as long as He still reigns there is no room for despair in Jehovah's world.