Friendship

[Anonymous]

I prayed for a crush to leave my heart and head space because she's unavailable due to dating preferences. I felt peace finally. Now, I feel I can come into a friendship with ease and honesty, and a higher level of self-restraint. As I was fearful I would say flirty things or carry into it desire that was unhealthy. Yet, now when I follow up on the beach invite she was excited about, she's left my message of read. I feel growing a friendship may have become less of a priority. I want to get away from doubt, fear, shame, and this attachment. I like her because of her values and character. I tend to struggle emotionally. I can't seem to make any long lasting friendships. I'm moody. I spend almost everyday alone and my job is very lonely. I do massage therapy and all my physical experiences are tied to money and service. I am desperate for love. I am desperate for friends. I call out to God daily. I pray for woman I fancy as well. That she finds the man she's looking for, that her prayers are lifted up, and all her desires met with the lord. That she draws close to the lord and not worry. I want to let go and let God. I'm suffering. My heart literally feels like it keeps squeezing in my chest. Ive cried and prayed all day and night about having a new career. To know how God wants to use me. What God's calling is on my life. That I'll devote my whole Life to God, as I should anyway. As the only desires I have that I pray for is to meet and be with my wife. That she'll be kind, patient, loving, and really love me. Want to spend time with me. I just pray God will open my eyes and help me see. I'm losing a sense of being lately. I can't keep up with chores, and identify emotions well. I was told by this woman I like that grumpy is different from Angst. I honestly don't know anyone well or myself. I struggle with self pity. I woke up at 4am and watched a random livestream of a woman talking about ashes. And i literally woke up because I smelt ash. Am i losing my mind?

 

[Articles]

We hear your honest heart in this and we join with you in bringing it before the Lord together. We thank God that you prayed for that crush to leave your heart and head space and that He granted you a measure of peace and self restraint, for that is His work. The desire you describe to now pursue a friendship with ease and honesty and without flirty or unhealthy desire is good and honors God, and we commend you for wanting to guard your heart and to honor her boundaries since she has made clear she is unavailable due to dating preferences.

We want to encourage you that your longing for friendship and for marriage is not shameful in itself. God Himself said it is not good that the man should be alone Genesis 2:18, and He created marriage to be a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman Genesis 2:24, and he who finds a wife finds a good thing Proverbs 18:22. Your prayer for a kind, patient, loving wife who will truly love you and want to spend time with you is a godly desire, and we pray with you that God will provide a godly wife in His timing as you seek to become the godly husband He is calling you to be. We encourage you to see any courtship not as casual dating but as purposeful pursuit of a fellow believer in Christ with marriage as the goal, keeping yourself pure and above reproach, for God calls us to flee sexual immorality 1 Corinthians 6:18 and to let marriage be held in honor among all Hebrews 13:4.

At the same time we want to gently rebuke and correct some of what we see weighing you down. You describe being desperate for love and desperate for friends, spending almost every day alone, feeling moody, struggling with self pity, doubt, fear, and shame, and feeling your heart squeeze in your chest as you have cried and prayed all day and night. Desperation, while understandable in loneliness, can become an idol that places the gift above the Giver. We are called to seek first God’s Kingdom and his righteousness Matthew 6:33 and to delight ourselves in the Lord Psalm 37:4, trusting He will give the desires of our heart as they align with His will. Self pity and constant introspection without anchoring in Christ can keep us stuck, and fear does not come from God, for God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control 2 Timothy 1:7. We also want to encourage you that if a friendship is not reciprocated, as with the beach invite being left on read, we must respect that boundary with grace and not let our peace depend on her response. A true friend loves at all times Proverbs 17:17, but not every person we value will become a close or lasting friend, and that does not define your worth.

Your loneliness in your work as a massage therapist, where physical touch is tied to money and service, and your struggle to keep up with chores and to identify emotions, and even waking at 4am smelling ash and wondering if you are losing your mind, tells us you are exhausted and overwhelmed and perhaps experiencing anxiety and isolation more than a spiritual failure. You are not losing your mind, but you are suffering and in need of rest and community. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit Psalm 34:18, and He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds Psalm 147:3. We encourage you to cast all your worries on him, because he cares for you 1 Peter 5:7 and to bring your requests with thanksgiving so the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:6-7. That peace you felt after praying is a sign of His grace, and we pray it grows as you learn to take every thought captive and to think on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and of good report Philippians 4:8.

For your career and calling, we pray God will make your path clear, for we know He has plans for you, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11, and that He will lead you when your heart is overwhelmed Psalm 61:2. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God Romans 12:2. This may mean seeking wise counsel in your local church, asking pastors or mature believers to help you discern gifts and opportunities, and also seeking practical help for the emotional and physical exhaustion you describe, including godly fellowship beyond work, regular rhythms of rest, sleep, and if the chest squeezing and anxiety continue, the help of a trusted medical professional, for God cares for both soul and body.

We noticed you speak often of God and the Lord but you did not mention the name of Jesus Christ in your request, and we must lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father. Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me John 14:6 and there is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we urge you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose again, and to confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, for with the heart one believes resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made resulting in salvation Romans 10:9-10. It is in His name we pray and find peace.

We pray together now for you.

Father in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ we lift up our brother to You. We thank You for his tender conscience and his desire to honor You in his friendship and to pray blessing over this woman rather than harbor bitterness, and we ask You to continue to give him self control as fruit of Your Spirit Galatians 5:22-23. Lord, remove doubt, fear, shame, and unhealthy attachment, and fill him with Your perfect love which casts out fear 1 John 4:18. Comfort his lonely heart, be near to him in his brokenheartedness, and remind him that though he feels alone every day, You will never leave him nor forsake him Hebrews 13:5 and You are his ever present help. Give him true, lasting, godly friendships in the body of Christ, and lead him into community where he is known and encouraged. Provide for him a godly wife in Your perfect timing if it is Your will, and meanwhile teach him to devote his whole life to You with joy. Show him clearly Your calling on his life and how You want to use him, open his eyes to see Your purpose, give him strength for daily chores and grace to understand his emotions, and grant him peaceful sleep and a sound mind. Heal the squeezing in his chest and the heaviness he feels, and let Your peace guard his heart and mind. We ask that both he and this woman draw close to You and that all their desires be met in You. We pray all this in the precious name of Jesus, our only hope and Savior, amen.

We encourage you to stay rooted in Scripture daily, to remain in fellowship with a Bible believing church where you can be known and serve others, to keep boundaries pure in any friendship with a woman who is not your wife, and to keep praying for that future marriage while trusting God’s timing. You are not forgotten, and God sees your tears and hears your daily cries. Fear not, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness Isaiah 41:10.

 

[hostadmin]

We hear how heavy this has been, and thank you for sharing so honestly with us. Wanting to honor God with your feelings for this woman, praying for her good even while you asked God to lift the crush, and then feeling left on read after you reached out, that mix of peace and then doubt and shame makes sense. It does not mean you failed.

We also hear the deeper ache underneath. Working alone most days, with touch tied only to service, longing for lasting friendship and for a wife who will love you well, wondering about your calling and feeling like you are losing your sense of yourself. When loneliness and stress build for a long time, it can affect sleep, chores, emotions, even how your body feels and what you notice around you. You are not losing your mind for noticing those things, but you do not have to carry them alone.

It helps to bring these physical and emotional strains to someone who can listen in person. Alongside prayer, we encourage you to see your doctor about the squeezing in your chest and the exhaustion from crying and not sleeping, and to talk with a pastor or trusted counselor about the loneliness, the career questions, and the difficulty naming emotions. Worship and steady community, even a small group that meets regularly, often helps loneliness more than chasing one friendship, and a pastor can also help you think through next steps for work in a more unhurried way.

Father, we lift our brother to You. You see his desire for friendship and for a future wife, his loneliness at work, and his longing to know Your calling. Give him rest, clear guidance, and faithful people around him who know him and care for him. Steady his heart and help him sense Your nearness day by day. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your sorrow has been laid open before the Lord, and He has heard the sigh that seems to squeeze the very heart within your chest. There is a heaviness in your words which many of the Lord's people have known, the loneliness that comes when the soul spends its days apart, the moody frame, the struggle to keep even daily chores in order, the fear that you no longer know yourself. Take courage, for you are not losing your mind, though the mind may be wearied with watching and weeping. You are a man greatly in need of rest, and there is One who gives it.

You have done well to pray that the crush might leave your heart, and to pray for her good rather than your own desire. To ask that she may draw near to the Lord, that her prayers may be heard and her desires met in Him, that she may find according to the Lord's will the husband He appoints if it be His will to give her one, this is a right and unselfish prayer. Continue in that path of self restraint and honesty. If a friendship is to be, let it be in the light, without flirtation or hidden desire, and if the message left on read shows that it is not to be, bow the head and accept the appointment of Providence. Are God's appointments your contentments. Too many professors quarrel with God that they are not other than they are, and are in great trouble only because they will not yield to the divine will. True surrender is to submit yourself wholly to God, to His way and His timing, and to say, not my will but Thine be done.

Remember that in every event of Providence God has a purpose. He is in one mind, and who can turn Him. What His soul desireth, that He doeth. None of these things cometh by chance, nor out of order, but everything cometh according to the purpose of His own will. This purpose is unchanged and it is sure to be effected, and yet you are to labor too. You are to devote your whole life to God, as you have rightly desired, not waiting for a feeling but pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Your calling, if it be of God, is a holy calling, not according to your works but according to His own purpose and grace which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began. It is a heavenly calling, a call from heaven and a call to heaven, that lifts the heart to heavenly things. Seek to know it not by restless speculation but by being God's pupil. He has taught you from your youth, and though you have been chastened you have not been cast out. He puts object lessons before you that you may read His work and wonder at it, and then declare His wondrous works to others with pen or voice as He gives opportunity.

You speak of being desperate for love, for friends, for a wife who will be kind and patient and will love you and desire your company. The Lord knows this desire, and marriage as He ordained it, a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, is honorable. Yet do not make even this good desire an idol that torments you. Submit yourself also to God's way of saving you, which is by His grace, not by your merits, by the blood of Jesus, not by your tears and sufferings. He justifies you by your simply trusting Jesus now. Today if you will hear His voice, harden not your heart, for now is the accepted time.

You say you spend almost every day alone, that your labor leaves all your physical touch tied to money and service, and that you cannot make lasting friendships. The Savior knows this loneliness. He was left alone just when most, as Man, He needed human sympathy, and His brave spirit stood at bay alone while the dogs of hell raged around Him. The Father forsook the Son for a season that the purpose of redemption might be achieved. If you lament your loneliness, cure it by seeking heavenly company. The words of God's Book, made living to you by the Spirit, shall be as angels to your mind, and God Himself shall have fellowship with you. God's people are frequently made lonely through obedience to honest convictions, but they are never utterly alone.

You woke at four and smelt ash while hearing of ashes. Hear then this gracious truth. If thou hast a desire to come, if thou art forcing thy way through the ashes to get to Christ, then it is because Christ is calling thee. Effectual calling is a very gracious truth, for it takes the last and least likely and makes them His own. When He calls His sheep by name, as a mother calls her child not by a formal title but by the name of love, the sheep hear His voice and rise up and follow Him.

Therefore come unto Him, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. He who knows the Father's eternal purpose still says, Come unto Me. There is nothing written in God's blessed Book that can render it unlawful for you to come to Jesus. He knows all things and yet He invites you.

Cast your care upon Him daily. Be diligent in the small duties, the chores, the honest labor of your hands, for God effects His purpose while the creature is free and active. Seek the fellowship of a faithful church where you may be known and may know others, where friendships are not built in a moment but over years of bearing one another's burdens. Confess your self pity and moodiness to the Lord, and ask the Holy Spirit to whisper and to subdue what is grumpy and what is deeper angst within. He strives with men not always alike, so when you hear His gentle check, submit at once.

May the Lord lift you out of doubt and fear and shame, not by giving you at once all you ask, but by giving you Himself, and by teaching you to rest in His one unchanging purpose until He shall open your eyes to the path He would have you walk.