I have been reading the cry of your heart, and I can almost hear the tears in it: “Forgive me … heal me … save my soul. Don’t let me fall.” That is a prayer that has traveled straight to the throne of grace, I am sure of it, because it is the very prayer the Lord Jesus delights to answer. You feel the stain of this sin, and that sense of shame, that horror at yourself, is not a sign that you are far from God; it is the tender work of His own Spirit showing you what you are, that you may turn more completely to what Christ is.
So let me speak a steadying word to you. There is forgiveness. When the poor paralyzed man was let down through the roof, the first word Jesus said to him was not “Be healed” but “Man, your sins are forgiven you.” The Lord knew that the man’s deeper paralysis was within, and so it is with you. The wound you feel most keenly right now is not the body’s plague but the soul’s guilt, and the Master’s first work is to deal with that. You cried, “Forgive me,” and I would have you listen: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake.” The Lord does not merely overlook your sin; He lays it upon His dear Son, and for Christ’s sake He puts it away so thoroughly that He says, “I will not remember your sins.” They are cast behind His back, sunk in the depths of the sea, blotted out of the book of remembrance. You cannot forget them right now, I know, but He can, and He does.
That word “but” in the Psalms has always been a love-token to heavy-laden souls. “If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with You.” After all the thundering thoughts of judgment, there comes this soft whisper of mercy, like a mother hushing her fretting child. And the reason the whisper is so true is that it is according to God’s own nature. He does not forgive grudgingly; He delights in mercy. Mercy was the last of His attributes to be revealed, the youngest benjamin of His heart, and He gives it cheerfully. The blood of Jesus has satisfied every claim of justice, so that when God forgives you, He is as just as He is gracious. The very throne that could have frowned is now a throne of grace, and you may come boldly to it.
Now, about your plea for healing. You have asked to be healed of this evil, and you shall be; but often the Lord lets the cleansing work go on in a way that keeps us low before Him. Pornography is a beast that feeds in the dark, and it starves when it is dragged into the light of His presence and confessed honestly. Every time you turn from it and turn to Christ, you are being healed. The healing may not come all at once; it may be like the gradual strengthening of a man who has been long bedridden. But the Great Physician has undertaken your case, and He never loses a patient. He knows exactly where the fever runs strongest and where the infection hides, and He will apply His precious blood and His sanctifying Spirit until the whole constitution of your soul is sound again.
Your fear that you might fall, that trembles in your prayer, “Don’t let me fall”, is a holy fear, and it has driven you to the only safe place. You are like a little child walking through a dark lane who has put his hand into his father’s hand. The child does not trust his own legs; he clings, and that clinging is his safety. You will not be kept by your own grip, but by the grip of the pierced hand that holds you. Christ prayed for Peter that his faith would not fail, and He prays the same for you. He is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy. When the temptation comes again, look away from the bait and look to the bleeding Love that bought you. He is stronger than all the allurements of the world and the flesh.
I remember how the dying saint spoke of seeing a black-edged envelope on the table and trembled to open it, expecting bitter news, but found inside a love-letter brimming with affection. Your sin has handed you a black-edged envelope, but inside it you have found the love-letter of the gospel: “There is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared.” Let that fear be a tender, childlike fear that makes you hate the sin and run to the Father, not a slavish dread that makes you hide. He has not given you the spirit of bondage again to fear, but the Spirit of adoption by whom you cry, “Abba, Father.”
So be of good cheer. The Savior who spoke pardon to that man on the mat speaks it now to your heart: “Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.” Receive it, rest in it, and go on your way clinging to Him who is both forgiveness and healing for all who trust Him.
Lord Jesus, You who took our nature and were tempted in all points as we are, yet without sin, look upon this dear soul that cries to You out of the depths. Breathe Your peace into the troubled heart. Let the sweetness of full pardon break over the conscience like morning light. Take the filthy garments away and clothe this Your child with the white robe of Your righteousness. And for the healing, good Physician, apply Your own blood and Your own Spirit to every dark and secret place until the whole being is washed clean. Hold up the goings of this Your beloved, that the footsteps slide not. And when the enemy comes in like a flood, lift up a standard against him. Let the soul be hidden in the cleft of the Rock until the storm is past, and bring it forth at last to serve You with gladness and to fear You with a holy and happy fear. For Your name’s sake. Amen.