end of the line

[Anonymous]

(a prenote: since ai crosses out numbers, I'm righting numbers out because they are pivotal in this as they outline my financial debts and obligations. Get rid of ai; keep the human factor.)
Just can't do this anymore. If God cared He would have helped me by now. And tell throw at me "not in our timing, but in God's". That's what preachers say when they don't have an answer. Obviously, the end depends on my timing. There's only one way to stop being sucked down under the quicksand. There is nothing now, nor ahead to pull me up, out, and away from this. This is seemingly God's will. After all, isn't this how it usually ends for family scapegoats. The harder and longer I try, the worse things get. What's the point in praying to make it if I'm going to end up much worse than I already am. What food I have left I'm going to have to stretch out. There's not much money left. I'm relying on Lyft rides which takes a big chunk of money. My room rate has gone up to almost five hundred bucks a week (summertime rates). I have to renew my auto insurance, renew my auto tags, get the car inspected for tag renewal, get my car fixed before I can do any of that, and get the car inspected, and on top of that, the tags have already expired. My so-called Christian family has disowned me and now my niece seems to be distancing herself from me. We're in touch alot, but I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. (I know nothing's happened to her as she's quite active on her social page). Even if I somehow make it through this, I still don't have a car. I still won't have any more money. I still won't have any means to build on to gain any ground. It's not even 2 steps forward, 4 steps back anymore. It's just falling back more and more. The yo-yo emotions are pulling me down deeper and deeper. The severe depression is worsening as well as the anxiety. I shake at times and get panic attacks. It's so bad at times that I want to walk away at work, but then I'd be fired, especially since I don't have any sick time left. I have no options. I have no means to get to any food pantry. I have no means to get around. I can't even get down to my storage unit to pull some things out to sell. Obviously my life was headed this way and I haven't been able to stop the crash, or I didn't recognize the futility of what was going on. The sad thing is, as it has been the case for so many years now, is that each time there's a struggle and I'm finally out of the pothole, another one comes up. There's ALWAYS another one. That is not normal. I'm not talking about the inconveniences of normal life here and there that we as humans have to overcome. This is exponentially worse and much more critical than any other situation I've ever faced and some really took a great deal out of me. I have no means to fix this situation especially since it gets worse and everything I try to do just complicated everything more. I've tried so hard to survive all those years of damage from my family. All the psychology, spiritual, medical help I sought helped only so much. Doctors and medications can't fix this or the lasting damage from this. I'm hanging on and hanging on, but for what? It's time to stop it all before the obvious end of homelessness. I don't even have a car to live in. If this is a test, it's obvious I failed it long ago. I'm too old for this. I'm far from having my whole life ahead of me. All of my hopes, dreams, ambitions, things I tried to accomplish are long gone. The things that I really enjoyed and that really fit me were taken from me and not because of anything I did wrong. The things that brought me joy, happiness, peace, satisfaction, and a spark for life were ALL taken from me. There wasn't anything bad about them but for some reason I wasn't allowed to have anything that i liked. I worked with animals (especially horse), I did alot of photography (a music group back east used my photos on the back of their CD and inside a multifold pullout), I ran cameras for a local cable company back east and the producer favored me and said I was a natural and was so amazed that I never had any training, then he retired and his assistant took over and drove everyone out because he was a mean tyrant that no one could get along with. And the worst thing is that God gave me a great job that could have only come together by the grace of God...but He let someone who hated me take it away. I did nothing wrong. That crushed me! That's when my my deepest and darkest days proliferated. I drank, slept, withdrew from God. But, eventually, I stopped that stuff and was doing better with alot of mental help and was going back to church. But, for what? Eventually, the jobs just weren't coming and I did alot of landscaping work that I loved doing. I got an apprenticeship job for circuit boards - only fifteen out of three hundred people were selected. I thought God was smiling on me. Halfway through the apprenticeship everyone was evaluated. Eight people were cut from the fifteen - I was one of them. Crushed again. I never fully recovered from that first job loss at the hands of hateful manager. I thought the apprenticeship job (with an aerospace company) was a chance to get back on my feet again. But, nope! I then lost my house. I made some money off of the loss and was able to find a room to rent from someone. A friend invited me back east. I went and looked around, but it just didn't seem like it was going to work out for me - or, I was still stinging from the lost apprenticeship and losing my house, and even still feeling from the loss of a job that I knew God gave me. Then car issues with a vehicle I had for nineteen years and more than two hundred thousand miles. Suddenly it was one thing after another and because I lost my house, I had no credit. I ended up with three predatory loans that caused me a great deal of financial hardship. Then, I had everything fixed on the car and was so grateful, but then, the car just died on the road. I had no money left to put into it and certainly couldn't afford another predatory loan as I was still paying off the loans with a meager pt job of only twenty hours aweek. Also, during that time, I had to move again. Then a friend helped me out by giving me a car; the one I currently have. Unfortunately, this vehicle was worse. The engine had to be rebuilt, then other issues, including the front end needs serious work. It's too dangerous to drive. The friend (God bless her) paid for the engine rebuild. And now more car issues. I haven't even begun to be able to pay her back. In between vehicles, I to quit the other job because I couldn't get to work anymore. Now I work in a grocery store and am only making it to work through Lyft rides. I used to live in the neighborhood but had to move to where I'm at now because it was the most affordable place I could find. Even if I could find a cheaper place now that is closer to work, I don't have a car to move my stuff. That expense adds up quickly and is preventing me from being able to save any money. The car repairs are over two thousand dollars. It seems God is punishing me for not making that big move back east. And now here I am, much worse off then ever before and much closer to an end I never imagined would happen. But, the Bible says that God says, "Vengeance is mine." I guess I'm living that vengeance now. After all and everything, this is what I've sowed? But, even if I had gone back east, I still could have ended up this way as well. There's no hope left, not even the size of a mustard seed. One doesn't have to be real smart to see how this is going to end. I can't go through that end. There is only way to stop this flaming crash. My family would love knowing what's happening to me. They will find so much joy in my demise. They always resented anything good that I did or that happened to me. The disappointing thing about it is that it seems God is ok with their hatred towards me. I've never prayed for vengeance on them on my behalf. I've told you I've been praying every night for God to take me with my OSA, but obviously He won't. I keep looking back to the last, and most severe incident of late, back in October. I keep reminding God that He could have prevented all of this had I not recovered that time. I don't want to do it, but if God won't free me like that, then I have no choice. I've already gone longer than I've wanted to in all of this. There is no glory in hanging on and struggling on to an obvious end that means death anyway. (I actually thought about going for a walk in a severe thunderstorm last night, but with my luck, I probably would have survived a lightning strike but would have been permanently injured so then I would even be worse off!) I have no options or alternatives. For whatever reason(s), maybe this is God's will. I don't see how being the family sacrifice is going to do me any good, but maybe it will be good for my hateful family. But then again, I won't be around for them to hate anymore, but they will surely be ramping everything up and telling their friends, neighbors, and church members what a terrible person I was and how selfish I was for not considering their feelings. Ironic, huh? I not only praying at night. I am praying in the morning and throughout the day. I keep asking God to help me somehow or to just take me with my obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). But, since my prayer is not being answered, I have no choice but to do it myself.

 

[Articles]

We hear the depth of your pain, exhaustion, and despair, and our hearts break with yours. You are carrying a weight that no one should have to bear alone, and we want you to know that you are seen, heard, and deeply loved, not just by us, but by the God who created you and calls you His own. The anger, betrayal, and abandonment you feel are valid, but we must gently yet firmly rebuke the lies that have taken root in your heart. The enemy wants you to believe that God has abandoned you, that your suffering is meaningless, and that ending your life is the only way out. But Scripture declares the opposite: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). Your pain is not evidence of God’s absence, it is evidence of a fallen world that He has already overcome through Christ.

You mentioned feeling like a "family scapegoat" and that your struggles are somehow God’s vengeance. This is a distortion of truth. God does not punish His children with suffering as retribution; rather, He uses suffering to refine us, draw us closer to Him, and display His glory. "For our light affliction, which is for the moment, works for us more and more exceedingly an eternal weight of glory" (2 Corinthians 4:17). The hardships you’ve endured are not because God is against you, they are because the world is broken, and sin (both yours and others’) has consequences. But God is not indifferent to your pain. He entered into it Himself through Jesus, who suffered betrayal, abandonment, and unjust suffering to the point of death. He knows your anguish because He experienced it firsthand. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain" (Isaiah 53:3). You are not alone in this.

We must also address the despair that has led you to consider ending your life. Suicide is not the answer, it is a permanent solution to a temporary (though agonizing) storm. The enemy wants you to believe that your life has no purpose, but God says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" (Jeremiah 1:5). Your life has value, and your story is not over. Even in your darkest moments, God is working, even when you cannot see it. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). This does not mean your suffering is "good," but that God can redeem it for His glory and your ultimate good.

You also expressed frustration with the phrase "God’s timing," and we understand why. When we are drowning, we don’t need platitudes, we need rescue. But here is the truth: God’s timing is not about delay; it is about preparation. He is not ignoring your cries; He is working behind the scenes in ways you cannot yet see. "The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him" (Lamentations 3:25). Waiting is not passive, it is an active trust in His faithfulness. And while you wait, He invites you to cast your burdens on Him: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:8).

We must also rebuke the lies about your worth and identity. You mentioned that your family resents anything good in your life, and that you feel punished for things beyond your control. But your worth is not determined by their approval or the circumstances of your life. Your worth is found in Christ alone. "You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you" (Isaiah 43:4). The enemy wants you to believe that you are a burden, that your life is a mistake, or that you are better off gone. But God says you are His masterpiece, created for good works (Ephesians 2:10). Your struggles do not define you, your identity in Christ does.

Now, let us pray over you with the authority we have in Jesus’ name:

Heavenly Father, we come before You with heavy hearts, lifting up our brother/sister who is in deep distress. Lord, You see every tear, every sleepless night, every moment of despair. You know the weight of the burdens they carry, the financial strain, the betrayal, the exhaustion, the sense of hopelessness. We ask You to break the chains of despair that have wrapped around their heart. Replace the lies of the enemy with Your truth: that You are near, that You are working, and that You have not forgotten them.

Father, we rebuke the spirit of suicide and death that has whispered in their ear. We declare that their life is precious to You, and we ask You to fill them with a renewed sense of purpose and hope. Surround them with Your presence, Lord. Let them feel Your arms holding them tight, even when they feel like they are falling apart. Provide for their needs, financial provision, reliable transportation, safe housing, and godly community. Open doors that no one can shut, and give them favor in the eyes of those who can help.

We pray for healing, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Heal the wounds inflicted by family, the rejection, and the betrayal. Restore what has been stolen: joy, peace, and a sense of belonging. Lord, we ask You to intervene in their circumstances. Touch their car, provide the funds for repairs, and open up opportunities for stable employment. Give them wisdom to navigate this season and the strength to endure.

Father, we also pray for their faith. When they cannot see You, help them to trust You. When they feel abandoned, remind them that You are Immanuel, God with us. Renew their mind with Your Word, and let Your truth be a lamp to their feet. We ask You to send people into their life who will speak life, offer practical help, and point them back to You.

Lord, we know that You are a God who hears the cries of the broken. You are close to the crushed in spirit. So we ask You to draw near to our brother/sister now. Let them feel Your love in tangible ways. Give them the strength to take the next step, even when it feels impossible. And if they are struggling to pray, let the Holy Spirit intercede for them with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26).

We declare over them that this is not the end of their story. You are the God who makes all things new, and You are not done writing their testimony. We ask all of this in the mighty name of Jesus, the One who conquered sin and death so that we might have life, and have it abundantly. Amen.

Friend, we know this is hard. We know the pain feels unbearable, and the road ahead seems impossible. But we want you to know that you are not forgotten. You are not a burden. You are not alone. God sees you, and He is with you. Even if you cannot feel Him right now, He is holding you. We encourage you to reach out to someone, a pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend, and share what you’re going through. Isolation feeds despair, but community brings light.

If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please call or text a crisis hotline in your area. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They are there to listen and help. You do not have to walk this road alone.

Lastly, we want to address the mention of your faith, or lack thereof, in this moment. You have been praying, but it feels like God is silent. We want to gently remind you that faith is not the absence of doubt; it is trusting God even when we cannot see Him. Jesus Himself cried out on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Even in His darkest moment, He trusted the Father. And because He endured, we have hope. Your prayers are not falling on deaf ears. God hears you, and He is moving on your behalf.

We love you, and we are standing with you. Keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep holding on. The same God who parted the Red Sea, raised Lazarus from the dead, and conquered the grave is fighting for you. This is not the end.

 

[Eriydell]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[The Encourager]

May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, so that I can trust You with all my heart, acknowledge You in all my ways, and lean not to my own understanding. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.

God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net

Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body​

Healed Spirit Soul And Body

be-an-encourager.blogspot.com

 

[usha rani]

Praying for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Jonathan_M]

I prayed for this request in Jesus Name.