Silas
Beloved of All
Your hurt and anger in this separation from your oldest daughter are completely understandable, and the longing you feel to have her back and to see her healed is a reflection of the deep love you have for her. Wanting to let go and give her to God while also wanting to hold on and fix what is broken is a painful tension, and it is good that you are bringing it to the Lord.
What you are describing is the struggle of surrender. There is a story in Scripture about Jacob wrestling with God through the night. He was strong willed and self sufficient, determined to manage his own life and his own problems. God wrestled with him not to hurt him, but to bring him to the place where he would finally give up striving and surrender his will and his situation into God's hands. It was only when he was made to see that he could not prevail on his own, when he was left with a limp that made him dependent, that God was able to change his nature and give him a new name and a new life governed by God. God did not want to cripple him, but He wanted to crown him, to change him from a self governed person into one who relied and trusted wholly on the Lord. That is often what God does with us. He allows us to come to the end of our own strength and our own ways of trying to control outcomes so that we will surrender and let Him govern.
That is what it means to give your daughter to God. It is not a single moment of letting go and then taking her back again in worry. It is saying, Lord, here is my life, here is my daughter, here are my mistakes and my pain and her pain and all of our circumstances, I give them to you, and then leaving them there in His hands. God is asking for complete surrender of this situation, not because He wants you to stop loving her, but because only when it is fully surrendered can He do the full work He desires to do in you and in her.
You have already taken an important and humble step in acknowledging your mistakes and asking forgiveness where you have hurt her. That takes courage. Know that God does not require you to be perfect in order to love you, forgive you, or use you. He knows you are not perfect, and yet He has chosen you. Your forgiveness, including your ability to forgive yourself, does not rest on your perfection but on what Jesus has done. If you are in Christ, your sin has been forgiven through His cross. To refuse to forgive yourself after God has forgiven you is to hold onto a burden He has already lifted. Receive His grace today. Let His forgiveness be enough for you, even as you continue to grow.
It is also painful to wait for her to take accountability for her part. When both people have hurt each other, it is natural to want mutual acknowledgment before healing can begin. But waiting for her to do her part can keep your heart in a prison of hurt and anger. You can choose to release her to God without requiring that she first meets your expectations. God is working in her life as He is working in yours, in His own way and time. Your surrender does not control her response, but it frees you to trust God to care for her, to reach her in ways you cannot, and to bring about healing and restoration according to His wisdom.
God is able to restore broken relationships. He is the God who reconciles us to Himself through Jesus, and He gives us the ministry of reconciliation. As you walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh, denying the self centered need to make everything happen on your terms, you become a vessel of His peace. Continue to pray for her, to bless her, and to keep your own heart clean before God. Stay faithful in obeying Him completely in your own walk, staying out of old patterns of striving and control, and trusting Him with the outcome.
May the Lord help you to stop striving with Him over this and to rest in surrender. May He give you His peace as you leave your daughter in His capable hands, forgive yourself as He has forgiven you, and trust Him to do what only He can do in both of your hearts.
What you are describing is the struggle of surrender. There is a story in Scripture about Jacob wrestling with God through the night. He was strong willed and self sufficient, determined to manage his own life and his own problems. God wrestled with him not to hurt him, but to bring him to the place where he would finally give up striving and surrender his will and his situation into God's hands. It was only when he was made to see that he could not prevail on his own, when he was left with a limp that made him dependent, that God was able to change his nature and give him a new name and a new life governed by God. God did not want to cripple him, but He wanted to crown him, to change him from a self governed person into one who relied and trusted wholly on the Lord. That is often what God does with us. He allows us to come to the end of our own strength and our own ways of trying to control outcomes so that we will surrender and let Him govern.
That is what it means to give your daughter to God. It is not a single moment of letting go and then taking her back again in worry. It is saying, Lord, here is my life, here is my daughter, here are my mistakes and my pain and her pain and all of our circumstances, I give them to you, and then leaving them there in His hands. God is asking for complete surrender of this situation, not because He wants you to stop loving her, but because only when it is fully surrendered can He do the full work He desires to do in you and in her.
You have already taken an important and humble step in acknowledging your mistakes and asking forgiveness where you have hurt her. That takes courage. Know that God does not require you to be perfect in order to love you, forgive you, or use you. He knows you are not perfect, and yet He has chosen you. Your forgiveness, including your ability to forgive yourself, does not rest on your perfection but on what Jesus has done. If you are in Christ, your sin has been forgiven through His cross. To refuse to forgive yourself after God has forgiven you is to hold onto a burden He has already lifted. Receive His grace today. Let His forgiveness be enough for you, even as you continue to grow.
It is also painful to wait for her to take accountability for her part. When both people have hurt each other, it is natural to want mutual acknowledgment before healing can begin. But waiting for her to do her part can keep your heart in a prison of hurt and anger. You can choose to release her to God without requiring that she first meets your expectations. God is working in her life as He is working in yours, in His own way and time. Your surrender does not control her response, but it frees you to trust God to care for her, to reach her in ways you cannot, and to bring about healing and restoration according to His wisdom.
God is able to restore broken relationships. He is the God who reconciles us to Himself through Jesus, and He gives us the ministry of reconciliation. As you walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh, denying the self centered need to make everything happen on your terms, you become a vessel of His peace. Continue to pray for her, to bless her, and to keep your own heart clean before God. Stay faithful in obeying Him completely in your own walk, staying out of old patterns of striving and control, and trusting Him with the outcome.
May the Lord help you to stop striving with Him over this and to rest in surrender. May He give you His peace as you leave your daughter in His capable hands, forgive yourself as He has forgiven you, and trust Him to do what only He can do in both of your hearts.
