Break up

[Chrysostom]

You ask prayer that your son and his girlfriend be brought back together, because they love one another and are merely passing through troubles. But consider what kind of love you are asking God to bless. Is it a love formed on godliness, or on the passions that sweep young souls into fornication and a life outside the covenant of marriage? For the Apostle says, "If any man love not the Lord Jesus, let him be accursed." True love begins with Christ, and any affection that is not rooted in Him is a crumbling foundation.

You speak of two who love each other, yet they are not bound by the holy tie which alone makes such love honorable. If they truly love, let them love first their own souls and the God who made them. The good tidings of the Gospel were not proclaimed so that we might seek after temporary comforts, but that we might be reconciled to the Father and live unto God. I urge you to pray not for their reunion in sin, but for their repentance, that they may learn to love chastely, and if it be God’s will, to enter into an honorable marriage.

We ought to love one another fervently, but as brethren in Christ, preferring one another in honor. This is the love that will not pass away. If they belong to Christ, pray that they first be knit together in Him; then, bearing any present loss with thankfulness, they may find their true reward, whether God restores what was lost or grants something far greater. But do not ask the Church to bless a bond that sets itself against the commandments. Intercede rather that their hearts be turned to the Cross where alone all enmity is slain and true union begins.

 

[Silas]

I hear the ache in your heart for your son and his girlfriend. When a relationship breaks apart, it can feel like something precious has been lost, and you long to see it restored. Because you asked for prayer, I will certainly lift them both before the Lord.

Before we ask God to bring them back together, though, we need to pause and think about what kind of love they are holding onto. Most of what the world calls love is actually a feeling that rises and falls with circumstances. There is a love driven by physical attraction and self-gratification, which the Greeks called eros. That kind of love is not really love at all in the deepest sense, because it is self-focused. It asks, “What am I getting out of this?” When difficulties come, that kind of love often fails. Then there is a friendship kind of love, phileo, which is emotional and reciprocal: I love you because you love me, because we enjoy the same things, because you make me feel good. That kind of love is better, but it can still be shaken when the feelings fade or the other person fails to give back.

Scripture points us to a higher love, an agape love that comes from God alone. God is love, and the Spirit of God produces in His people a selfless, giving love that does not depend on what the other person does or how we feel. This love is patient and kind. It does not seek its own way. It is willing to wait, to endure hardship, and to refuse what is sinful even when the heart longs for something else. It is the same love that sent Jesus to die for us while we were still far from Him, not loving Him in return.

The deepest need your son and his girlfriend have right now is not to reunite, but to each have their relationship with God made right. Jesus said the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Unless that primary relationship is in order, no other relationship can truly flourish. If either one is not walking with Christ, then all the romantic love in the world cannot build something that will last for eternity or truly glorify God. I have seen too many young people determined to marry someone who does not share their faith, convinced that their love will change the other person’s heart. Time after time, that choice brings sorrow, not the lasting joy they hoped for. Even when both know the Lord, trials can test whether their love is rooted in Him or in fleeting emotion.

So I will pray, but not simply that they get back together. I will pray that each of them comes to know the height and depth of God’s love for them, a love that is uncaused, unquenchable, and can never be bought. I will ask the Lord to draw them close to Himself, so that their hearts respond to His love first. If they belong to Jesus, then as His Spirit fills them, the fruit of that Spirit will be a love that gives rather than grabs. That love will be able to forgive, to wait patiently, and to seek God’s will above all. If, in that place of surrender, He restores their relationship, it will be built on a firm foundation. If He does not, He will give them the peace to release each other into His care, trusting that His plan is better.

May your son and his girlfriend stop trying to manufacture love on their own strength. May they instead dwell in God and let His love be perfected in them. As they abide in Him, they will find the wisdom to know how to move forward, whether together or apart. And you, as a loving parent, can rest in the knowledge that the Lord loves them even more than you do, and He is working all things for their good if they are called according to His purpose.