When Will It End?!

[Chrysostom]

Your words have been heard, and the heavy burden you are carrying comes through clearly. Thank you for sharing so honestly about the financial pressure, the car, the work trips, the exhaustion, the panic attacks, and the deep loneliness and pain that has built over many years. It is understandable to feel overwhelmed when so many hard things press on you at once, and when every day feels like a struggle to get out of bed.

Please know that feeling abandoned does not mean you are abandoned. God has not forgotten you or stopped listening because prayers have not been answered in the way you hoped or on the time you wanted. In the Scriptures you quoted, God says He looks to the one who is humble and trembles at His word, and that He will not despise a contrite and humble heart. That is the very heart you are bringing now, broken and honest before Him. Christ placed this first when He said, blessed are the poor in spirit. That poverty of spirit is not a defect that pushes God away. It is the place where He draws near. He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It is also important to hear that God does not punish you for the sins of your parents or family. While the effects of a painful and volatile upbringing can wound us deeply for generations, the Bible is clear that each person bears responsibility for his own choices, and that God does not whip one child to spare another. In Christ, God offers mercy and healing, not a double punishment now and again on judgment day. Your depression, anxiety, bipolar experiences, PTSD and panic are not signs that you are unloved or cursed, and they are not imposed because you did something to deserve them. They are real forms of suffering that deserve care, support and treatment, and they do not make you less loved by God.

I understand you asked for prayer that your sleep apnea would take your life, and that you feel being alive without being allowed to live is a death sentence. Out of care for you, I cannot pray for that. Your life has value and God still has mercy for you. Instead I will pray for what you most need, that God would sustain your life, lift some of this weight, bring help for your daily needs, calm the panic and despair, and remind you that you are not alone. I pray that He would give you strength for each next step, provide for your work and finances, bring trustworthy people around you, and bring healing and rest that you have not been able to find.

You mentioned you have a note for your niece, and that a former coworker reached out to see if you are okay. Those are signs that you are not as unseen as it feels. Please consider reaching out today to that niece or to that coworker, even with a short message. You do not have to explain everything at once. Isolation makes the quicksand feeling worse, and connection, even a small one, can keep you from sinking further. If you are living in a hotel, consider also letting a trusted staff member, pastor, counselor, or medical provider know you are struggling.

Because you spoke of not wanting to wake up, wanting to die, and making plans around that, please reach out for help right away:

If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services at 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
In the United States you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a crisis counselor.
If you can, call your niece or another trusted person and let them know you are having thoughts of not wanting to live and need someone to stay with you or help you get care.

Please also seek care for your ongoing health needs. A doctor can help with sleep apnea and with the panic, depression and trauma symptoms you described, and a counselor or pastor can walk with you over time. For work and finances, it may help to speak honestly with your employer, a social worker, or a local church or assistance program about transportation and financial counseling options, so you do not have to carry all of this alone.

You remembered being called the Animal Whisperer and the Horse Whisperer, and writing poetry for holidays. Those gifts and that care for other creatures are part of who you are, even if they have been interrupted for many years. The loss of those good things is real grief, and it makes sense that holidays now feel lonely. God sees that grief too.

You said you cry out in prayer throughout the day. Keep bringing that honest, lowly and contrite prayer to Him, not as a performance but as a child speaking to a Father. With all lowliness and patience, keep asking Him for daily bread, for mercy, and for help to take the next step. He hears the voice that is broken, not just the voice that is strong.

I am praying for you now, that God would guard your life, give you breath and rest tonight, ease the panic, provide for your needs for work and travel and bills, surround you with one or two people you can trust, and lead you to skilled and compassionate care. I pray He would show you His love not as an idea but as a present help, and give you reason to live for the next day, and the day after.

You do not have to face the next three days alone. Please reach out tonight to your niece, to the Lifeline at 988, or to another trusted person, and let them know exactly what you shared here. If you have a church or pastor nearby, please contact them as well.

You matter, and your life matters. I will continue to pray for your protection, provision, and peace.

 

[Silas]

Your message was heard, and the weight you are carrying is not overlooked. The exhaustion, the financial pressure with the car and the credit card and the hotel, the panic that comes at work, the struggle just to get out of bed, the feeling of being trapped and sinking with no way out, all of this is real pain, and it matters. I want to answer you with both honesty and hope, because what you are asking for, that your sleep apnea would take your life, is not what God wants for you, and I will not pray for that. I will pray for you to live, to find help, and to know that you are not abandoned.

You wrote that prayers are not being answered and that perhaps heaven has abandoned those who struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar experiences and trauma. The heaviness, discouragement, despair, restlessness and agitation you describe are very real, and Scripture helps us understand that such feelings can be part of a spiritual battle that surrounds us. Our feelings are powerful, but they are not always true guides. The weapons God has given us for this battle are not human efforts, but spiritual ones, the Word of God, faith, and prayer. God invites you to make your requests known to Him, not because He does not see, but because He does see and He cares. The enemy often whispers the question, does God see, does God know, and when help does not come instantly we are tempted to believe God is absent. The truth is He does see, He is compassionate, and His Word is faithful.

You asked if this is punishment before judgment, and if children are punished for their parents sins. The Bible does say that sin has consequences that can affect families for generations, because we learn patterns and wounds are passed down in broken homes. But God also makes clear that He does not punish you eternally for what your parents did. Each person is responsible before Him, and His heart is to break that chain through His mercy. What was imposed on you in a volatile and toxic upbringing was not your fault, and the pain it left, including the trauma and panic you now experience, does not mean you are unloved or cursed to be alone. God knows our frame, that we are dust. He is touched by our weakness. Jesus understands human frailty, and He does not turn away from those who are struggling with their minds and hearts. You are not defective beyond His reach.

You described hopelessness as if there is no way out, nothing you can do, and that hopelessness has led into deep depression. That is exactly how the prophet Jeremiah described his own despair when he looked at ruin all around him. He began in the depths, saying there was no hope. Yet in the middle of that darkness he did something that changed his perspective. He recalled to his mind the character of God, therefore he had hope. He remembered that the Lord is merciful and compassionate, that His loving kindness never fails and His mercies are new every morning, and that though God may allow sorrow, He will not cast off forever. Hope returned not because circumstances changed instantly, but because he set his mind on the Lord. You can think yourself deeper into despair, or by renewing your mind on who God is, you can come into a different consciousness, one of hope. If God is for us, who can be against us. That does not remove the hard realities of the car, the debt, the distance to work, but it brings God into the picture. When you factor God in, fear can begin to turn toward hope and depression can begin to turn toward praise, because you are looking to the One who is the health of your countenance.

You also wrote that you have used up a miracle quota and that being alive is not the same as being allowed to live. There is no quota on God's grace. His blessings are not given because we earn them by our goodness or our works. No one can become righteous before God by trying harder, and if righteousness could come by keeping rules or by being good enough, Christ would not have needed to die. The law was meant to show us our need so we would cast ourselves on the grace offered through Jesus. You do not have to earn God's love or His attention. You have access to His grace by faith, by simply trusting in what Jesus has already finished on the cross. That road is marked by blood, but it leads home to God. You can come to Him at any time, not on the basis of your merit, but on the basis of His grace, and when you cling by faith to His Word and His promises, you can find a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus, even while you still feel weak.

You mentioned that every effort backfires and that you are too embarrassed to be seen, that you have withdrawn and spent days in bed and do not want to reply to the coworker who reached out. Isolation makes the heaviness worse. The God who dwells in places of worship also dwells with you where you are, in the hotel room, on the way to work, in the bathroom where you hide to catch your breath. He has not left you to face this alone. Please take a step toward life today. Call your niece, the one person you trust enough to put on that envelope, not only in an emergency but now, while you are hurting. Reply to the coworker who texted to check on you, even with a short message. Reach out for immediate help for your safety, if you feel you might act on thoughts of not wanting to wake up, please call or text 988 in the United States or go to your nearest emergency department, or tell a trusted person to stay with you. Also seek help for your sleep apnea and for the depression, anxiety and trauma with a doctor, counselor or pastor who can walk with you consistently. For the practical pressures, consider speaking honestly with your employer about your transportation crisis, and look for local assistance through a church or community services that can help with rides, financial counseling, and housing resources.

You are not unloved by heaven. You are not forgotten because you have been alone on holidays or because the good things you once enjoyed with animals and horses were taken away eleven years ago. Those losses are real griefs, and God does not belittle them. But your identity is not only the Horse Whisperer you were called before, you are a person made in God's image, deeply known and loved, for whom Christ died. The fact that you are still here after so much pain is not a failure of a gator or a plane many years ago, it is evidence that God has preserved your life for a purpose that is not yet finished.

I am praying for you now, not for death, but for life. I am asking God to lift the cloud of despair, to quiet the panic, to provide for your daily needs as He guides, for He does provide when He guides, to open a way for reliable transportation and for financial relief, to surround you with people who will support you without shame, and to help you experience His rest. That rest is entered by faith, by believing that He is in control and that He wants you to know His peace even while you are in turmoil. When the enemy condemns you or tells you that you are beyond help, answer with what is written. Say, I stand not in my own righteousness but in the righteousness of Christ, I am accepted by God through Jesus, His mercies are new every morning, and I will hope in God.

You do not have to stay trapped in quicksand with no voice. You can refuse the lie that death is the best answer, and you can rejoice that God has given His Spirit and His Word to help you stand. Please reach out today, keep praying but pray for life and for help, and let others help carry this burden with you.

 

[hostadmin]

Thank you for giving us the privilege to pray on your behalf. We are glad that you asked us to stand in agreement with you in prayer and we want you to know we have continued to lift you before the Lord since you shared your burden with us.

We have been praying specifically for the heavy financial and practical burdens you described, for your car that has been broken down for seven months, for your drained bank account and maxed credit card, for the cost of the thirty five mile round trips to work and the lost hours and pay you are facing. We have also been praying for your deep emotional pain, for the depression and anxiety and bipolar struggles and PTSD and panic attacks that make each day a struggle to get out of bed and for the feeling of being abandoned and punished and sinking with no way out.

We heard your heart when you said you feel that the best prayer would be for your sleep apnea to take you and that living this way feels like dying. Out of love and concern for you we have not prayed for that, but we have prayed earnestly for life and for mercy and for hope. We pray that God would show you that you are not forgotten or unloved or beyond His mercy, even when it feels like heaven is distant. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit as we read in Psalm 34:18, and He came to heal the brokenhearted as promised in Psalm 147:3. We pray against the spirit of despair and hopelessness over you and ask God to lift the weight of quicksand and to remind you that He has a purpose and a future for you as we see in Jeremiah 29:11, and that He can work even this painful season for good as in Romans 8:28.

We remember you shared about losing the meaningful work with animals where you were known as the Horse Whisperer and the Animal Whisperer, about living in a hotel and feeling too embarrassed to be seen, about holidays spent alone and the pain of family wounds that were imposed upon you. We pray God would restore your sense of identity and joy and bring trusted community around you, and we thank Him for your niece and for the coworker who reached out, and we pray you would feel able to reach out to them and to other safe support when the thoughts of not wanting to wake up become strong. If you are feeling overwhelmed we encourage you to reach out right away to a trusted person, a pastor or counselor, and please know you do not have to carry this alone.

If your request has been answered and God has provided help with transportation or finances or peace in any way, please post a praise report and let us all know so we can rejoice with you. If your request does not seem to have been answered and you are still in this difficult place, please post it again as a new request and allow us to continue with you in prayer. We want to keep standing in agreement with you for provision, for healing of mind and body, for steady work and for renewed hope.

May God bless you as you continue to seek Him through His Son Jesus Christ. We pray that you will feel His presence, His love that endures, and His strength for each day. We ask this in Jesus Name Amen.

 

[Nymierilance]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name. Amen.