Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty about how tired you are is heard, and thank you for sharing what you have carried for so long. To struggle for decades, to feel worn down by a painful childhood that still makes adult life hard, and to feel distant from your wife after years of raising children together, is a heavy burden. God sees that struggle and He sees you. You are not alone in this, and your life still matters deeply to Him and to your family.
The wounds that come from childhood can leave deep scars that stay under the surface for years. Some people even block out parts of those early years because the hurt was so great. No human effort can fully erase those marks, but the Bible says that when a person is in Christ, he becomes a new creation and the old things can pass away. Only Jesus can touch those hidden places and bring real healing where nothing else has reached.
You described coming to a place of total tiredness and despair, asking who can deliver you from this. That cry is very close to what the apostle Paul expressed when he said, O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me. For a long time he tried to deliver himself and found no answer. It was only when he stopped trying to save himself and cried out for another to rescue him that he found the answer is Jesus Christ. God sometimes allows us to come to the end of our own strength, not to crush us, but so we will stop trusting in ourselves and discover that the victory comes through His Spirit at work in us. It is then that He gets the glory for the triumph that comes through Christ, and we find a power that is not our own. That is the hope of Romans chapter 8, that God gives life and power through His Spirit to those who trust Him.
Despair also has a way of showing us only half the truth. When fear and hopelessness fill the heart, everything looks larger and darker than it is. We think we see the whole story and conclude there is no hope, but we are seeing only what is in front of us without taking God into account. If you could see the whole work God is still doing, even in this painful season, you would not be led to despair but to hope. He has not finished your story. Often the things that make us want to give up are the very places where, if we wait and let Him work, we would later see His hand guiding us through what once felt like abandonment.
That is why what we set our minds on matters so much. Hopelessness is at the root of depression, and we can think ourselves deeper into it until we see no way out. The prophet Jeremiah knew that place of deep depression, yet in the middle of it he said, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. He turned his thoughts to the Lord, to His mercy and faithfulness that are new every morning. David did the same. When he was filled with despair and felt trapped, he turned his heart to God, put his trust in His word, and his despair gave way to confidence that God was for him. Turning your mind and heart to God does not make the problems small, but it puts them in perspective before a great and caring God who can handle what you cannot.
Living only on the level of this physical life, apart from God, will always lead to emptiness and despair. That is the conclusion of the book of Ecclesiastes and of every philosophy that tries to find meaning without Him. Life without God ends in vanity. But life with Him is different. When you step into the spiritual reality of knowing Christ, there is hope that reason alone cannot give.
Please do not make a permanent decision based on this moment of exhaustion and distance. The thought that your children could now handle your passing and that your wife has grown distant is the despair speaking and exaggerating what is true. Even grown children need their father, and distance in a marriage after years of raising children is not the end of the relationship. It is a painful season that can be faced and healed, not a reason to leave. Your family needs you alive and present, and God still has purpose for you here.
Because these thoughts have been with you for so long and feel so strong right now, please reach out for help immediately and do not stay alone with them. Talk to your wife, a trusted family member, a pastor or a counselor today. If you feel you may act on these thoughts, please call or text a crisis helpline right away, in the United States call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are outside the United States, you can find help at findahelpline.org. A doctor or licensed counselor can also help you address both the long term pain from your childhood and the exhaustion you feel now.
God does understand that each day is a struggle, and His understanding does not mean He wants you to end the life He gave you. It means He invites you to bring that tiredness to Him and let Him be the one who delivers you. Cry out to Him not as one trying to save yourself, but as one asking Him to save you. Tell Him you have no strength left and ask Jesus to be your deliverer, to forgive you, to make you new, and to fill you with His Spirit. He promises to hear, to be near to the brokenhearted, and to cause those who trust Him to triumph through Christ.
You are deeply valued. Your life is not empty. There is hope beyond this despair, and there are people ready to walk with you toward it. Please let someone know how you are feeling right now and let them stay with you as you take the next step toward help and toward the Lord who wants to carry you through this.
I am praying that you will experience His mercy, His presence, and the new hope that comes from setting your mind on Him, and that you will find the support you need in the days ahead.
The wounds that come from childhood can leave deep scars that stay under the surface for years. Some people even block out parts of those early years because the hurt was so great. No human effort can fully erase those marks, but the Bible says that when a person is in Christ, he becomes a new creation and the old things can pass away. Only Jesus can touch those hidden places and bring real healing where nothing else has reached.
You described coming to a place of total tiredness and despair, asking who can deliver you from this. That cry is very close to what the apostle Paul expressed when he said, O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me. For a long time he tried to deliver himself and found no answer. It was only when he stopped trying to save himself and cried out for another to rescue him that he found the answer is Jesus Christ. God sometimes allows us to come to the end of our own strength, not to crush us, but so we will stop trusting in ourselves and discover that the victory comes through His Spirit at work in us. It is then that He gets the glory for the triumph that comes through Christ, and we find a power that is not our own. That is the hope of Romans chapter 8, that God gives life and power through His Spirit to those who trust Him.
Despair also has a way of showing us only half the truth. When fear and hopelessness fill the heart, everything looks larger and darker than it is. We think we see the whole story and conclude there is no hope, but we are seeing only what is in front of us without taking God into account. If you could see the whole work God is still doing, even in this painful season, you would not be led to despair but to hope. He has not finished your story. Often the things that make us want to give up are the very places where, if we wait and let Him work, we would later see His hand guiding us through what once felt like abandonment.
That is why what we set our minds on matters so much. Hopelessness is at the root of depression, and we can think ourselves deeper into it until we see no way out. The prophet Jeremiah knew that place of deep depression, yet in the middle of it he said, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. He turned his thoughts to the Lord, to His mercy and faithfulness that are new every morning. David did the same. When he was filled with despair and felt trapped, he turned his heart to God, put his trust in His word, and his despair gave way to confidence that God was for him. Turning your mind and heart to God does not make the problems small, but it puts them in perspective before a great and caring God who can handle what you cannot.
Living only on the level of this physical life, apart from God, will always lead to emptiness and despair. That is the conclusion of the book of Ecclesiastes and of every philosophy that tries to find meaning without Him. Life without God ends in vanity. But life with Him is different. When you step into the spiritual reality of knowing Christ, there is hope that reason alone cannot give.
Please do not make a permanent decision based on this moment of exhaustion and distance. The thought that your children could now handle your passing and that your wife has grown distant is the despair speaking and exaggerating what is true. Even grown children need their father, and distance in a marriage after years of raising children is not the end of the relationship. It is a painful season that can be faced and healed, not a reason to leave. Your family needs you alive and present, and God still has purpose for you here.
Because these thoughts have been with you for so long and feel so strong right now, please reach out for help immediately and do not stay alone with them. Talk to your wife, a trusted family member, a pastor or a counselor today. If you feel you may act on these thoughts, please call or text a crisis helpline right away, in the United States call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are outside the United States, you can find help at findahelpline.org. A doctor or licensed counselor can also help you address both the long term pain from your childhood and the exhaustion you feel now.
God does understand that each day is a struggle, and His understanding does not mean He wants you to end the life He gave you. It means He invites you to bring that tiredness to Him and let Him be the one who delivers you. Cry out to Him not as one trying to save yourself, but as one asking Him to save you. Tell Him you have no strength left and ask Jesus to be your deliverer, to forgive you, to make you new, and to fill you with His Spirit. He promises to hear, to be near to the brokenhearted, and to cause those who trust Him to triumph through Christ.
You are deeply valued. Your life is not empty. There is hope beyond this despair, and there are people ready to walk with you toward it. Please let someone know how you are feeling right now and let them stay with you as you take the next step toward help and toward the Lord who wants to carry you through this.
I am praying that you will experience His mercy, His presence, and the new hope that comes from setting your mind on Him, and that you will find the support you need in the days ahead.
