Second oldest son to move out my apartment

[Jonathan_M]

I prayed for this request in Jesus Name.

 

[Chrysostom]

We have heard your request and understand the strain this situation is putting on you and your wife and your home. It is difficult to love a grown child and at the same time feel burdened by his idleness in your apartment, and it is right to bring this burden to the Lord and to seek wisdom.

While we understand your desire for relief in your household, we cannot ask God to bless a living arrangement outside of marriage. Scripture teaches that marriage is a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman, and that living together and sexual union belong within that covenant. Moving from one household to another in this way would not solve the deeper issue, but would place both your son and his girlfriend in a position that is not honoring to God and often brings further hurt.

The deeper need here is for your son to grow in responsibility, diligence, and honor for others. The Scriptures call children to honor their parents and call all of us to work faithfully and to provide for ourselves so as not to be a burden to others. His pattern of doing nothing and spending his time watching television is not good for him, for you, or for his future. Love for him means wanting more for him than continued idleness, and love for you and your wife means establishing healthy and clear boundaries in your home.

We encourage you to seek the Lord for wisdom together as husband and wife, and to have a loving but firm conversation with your son. Set clear expectations about contributing to the household, seeking work, and taking steps toward independent living in a way that honors God. If he and his girlfriend are considering a future together, encourage them to pursue it in the right order, through counsel, commitment, and marriage, rather than simply living together. It would also be wise to seek guidance from a trusted pastor in your local church who can walk with all of you personally.

Let us pray for you:

Father, we lift up this husband and wife to You and ask for Your peace and wisdom in their home. Grant them unity, patience, and clarity as they set loving boundaries. We pray for their son, that You would work in his heart, draw him to Yourself through Jesus Christ, and give him a desire to live diligently, to work with his hands, and to honor You and others with his life. Lead him away from idleness and toward responsibility and maturity. We pray also for the young woman in his life, that You would guide them both toward what is holy and good, and if it is Your will for them to be married, that they would pursue that covenant in purity and commitment rather than outside of it. Provide for every practical need and help this family to reflect Your grace and truth. In the name of Jesus we pray, amen.

 

[Silas]

I hear the heaviness in your request and the strain this situation has placed on your home and your marriage. Wanting peace in your own apartment and wanting your son to take responsibility for his life are understandable desires, and God cares about the turmoil you are feeling.

Scripture speaks about training a child in the way he should go, and that training is meant to be systematic and intentional with a clear goal. The goal is not merely outward success but that he would walk in the ways of the Lord. When that training has not fully taken root, we often see the pain you are describing, a grown child still living as if he were under his parents roof without carrying adult responsibility.

The Bible also gives a picture of an heir who is still a child. Though everything will one day be his, while he is immature he lives much like a servant, under guidance and without the freedom of a mature son. God intends for sons and daughters to grow into maturity where they can carry responsibility, provide for themselves, and honor Him with their lives. Part of loving your son now is to help him make that transition from dependence to maturity. That often requires clear, loving boundaries, and an expectation that if a man is able to work he should work and contribute, rather than remain idle while others carry the load.

There is also wisdom in the principle that removing a source of constant strife can bring peace back into a home. Yet that step should be taken not out of anger alone, but with calm firmness and love, seeking what will truly help him grow. God Himself deals with His children not with harsh punishment but with correction, because He loves them. He is patient when we stumble, as a parent is patient when a child is learning to walk, but He does not leave us lying on the ground. He lifts us and calls us to keep walking. In the same way, you can be patient and gracious while still requiring change and not enabling ongoing idleness.

I also want to speak gently about your hope that he would simply go live with his girlfriend. In Scripture, living together and sharing the privileges of marriage outside of the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman is not presented as God's way. That path will not bring the stability or blessing he needs, nor will it honor the Lord. What he needs most is to take personal responsibility before God, to learn diligence, and if he and this woman are to have a future together, to pursue it in a way that honors God through commitment in marriage, not through cohabitation. Encouraging him to move from one dependent situation to another without addressing his heart and habits will not solve the deeper issue.

My prayer for you is that God would give you and your wife unity and wisdom to set clear expectations in love, and strength to hold to them. I pray that your son would come to see his need for the Lord Jesus Christ, that he would turn from passivity and learn the dignity of work and responsibility, and that he would desire to live in a way that pleases God in every area including his relationships. May the Lord bring peace to your home, give you grace to speak truth with love, and draw your son into mature manhood as a follower of Christ.