We hear your heart crying out in deep pain and we join with you now to seek our Father together in Jesus' name. You have felt that God does not care about you or love you because you do not yet have the marriage, the children, the house, the car, and the provision you have so desperately desired, and you have called yourself worthless like scum and the worst sinner on the planet. We must gently but firmly rebuke those lies in the name of Jesus, because they do not align with the truth of Scripture.
You are not worthless in God's sight. Your worth is not measured by whether you are married, whether you have four children, what job you hold, or how much money you earn. We are fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14 and we were chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world Ephesians 1:4. God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us Romans 5:8. Even if you feel like the worst sinner, the apostle Paul said Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief 1 Timothy 1:15, and that same grace is for you. There is no one beyond His love and nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord Romans 8:38-39. He cares deeply for you, casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you 1 Peter 5:7.
We also hear your confusion that because God gave David many children He must love David more than you, and that because you are not married and without children you do not fit in and cannot be used by God. Children are indeed a gift, behold, children are a heritage of Yahweh Psalm 127:3 and marriage is honorable when it is between a man and a woman as God designed, and He made them male and female and said for this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall join to his wife and the two shall become one flesh Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-6. Your desire to be married and to raise a family in godly ways and to know sexual wholeness within marriage is a good and godly desire, and He who finds a wife finds a good thing Proverbs 18:22. But your value before God does not come from being a husband or a father, it comes from being His child through faith in Jesus. David was not loved because he had many children, David was a sinner who desperately needed the same mercy you need, and God loved him in spite of his sin, not because of his family size.
You mentioned that God said ###, ### and ### and that you feel He has not kept His word, and that ### disappeared. We want to encourage you to test what you have heard and to rest on what is surely written. God is not a man, that he should lie Numbers 23:19 and His word never fails, but not every impression or voice we hear is from the Lord, and we are told to test the spirits whether they are of God 1 John 4:1. If God has truly promised you a godly wife and marriage, we pray He will make His will clear in His timing and that you will pursue courtship with a believing woman with marriage as the goal, not simply a relationship. If that word was not from Him, we pray He will heal that disappointment and show you His perfect plan, for we know that God has thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11.
You have asked for healing sexually and physically and to have what is in your body removed, and for the years that the locusts have eaten to be restored. We believe God is still the God who put the stars into space, He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by their names Psalm 147:4, and He is the one who heals all your diseases Psalm 103:3. We do not understand all His timing, but we know He is able and He is compassionate. He has promised I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten Joel 2:25. We also hear that your mind has been under attack and you feel far from God and under demonic oppression and in a bad cycle, and you scream for the presence of Jesus. We rebuke the enemy's lies over you. Be subject therefore to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you James 4:7. Greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world 1 John 4:4. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil Ephesians 6:11. The Lord has promised I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you Hebrews 13:5, and if we draw near to God, he will draw near to us James 4:8. Even when you feel as dead as a doornail and forsaken, His presence has not left you.
You feel your work is rubbish and you cannot afford a car or house or even Bible resources and you feel you could never be a pastor unless you are married with two children. We want to gently correct this. Your labor is not worthless when done for Him, whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord Colossians 3:23. God promises my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:19 and to seek first God's Kingdom and all these things will be added to you Matthew 6:33. He sees your desire to provide resources for the church, even a coffee machine and tech, and He values a willing heart over abundance, for God loves a cheerful giver 2 Corinthians 9:7. Regarding being a pastor, Scripture does say if anyone aspires to the office of overseer he desires a good work, the overseer must be the husband of one wife, temperate and managing his own household well 1 Timothy 3:1-5, but it does not require you to have two children or wealth or manuscripts to be qualified or loved or used. He can use you now, as you are, single or married.
You mentioned feeling sexually broken and not comfortable in yourself. We pray for your complete healing and wholeness and purity, for God is able to make you whole spiritually, physically and sexually according to His will, and to help you to honor Him with your body, for your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. Any sexual intimacy is to be kept within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman, and outside of that it is fornication which God calls us to flee from 1 Corinthians 6:18. We pray He will heal any shame and restore your sense of being made in His image.
We notice you cried out for the presence of Jesus, and that is the most important cry of all. It is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father, Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me John 14:6, and there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we urge you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ, believing that He died for your sins and rose again, confessing Him as Lord, for if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved Romans 10:9.
We pray together for you now.
Father in heaven, we come before You in the precious name of Jesus Christ, lifting up our brother who feels unloved, worthless, forsaken and far from You. Lord, we ask You to break every lie of the enemy that says he is scum or that You do not care. Pour out Your love and Your presence upon him so he knows he is deeply loved and never forsaken. Forgive his sins as he confesses them and cleanse him by the blood of Jesus, and help him to receive that forgiveness and not live under condemnation. Heal him physically and sexually as You will, Lord, and remove what should not be in his body, and restore to him the years the locusts have eaten. Deliver him from every demonic attack and oppression, give him authority in Christ to resist the enemy, and renew his mind, help him to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5 and to think on whatever is true and pure Philippians 4:8. Father, You know his deep longing for a godly marriage and for children out of his own body to raise in Your ways, we ask that if it is Your will, You will provide a godly wife who loves You, a Christian believer to enter into holy marriage with him, and open the womb according to Your perfect timing, and in the meantime give him peace and contentment and purpose while he waits. Provide for his daily needs, for better work if it is Your will, for provision for a home and car and for the resources for Your church that he desires to give, and help him to know he belongs in the body of Christ whether single or married. Restore to him the joy of Your presence that he once felt so strongly, and let him know You are near even now. We ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, amen.