Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty about being hurt is heard, and the pain you describe is real. When humility is twisted into humiliation, when people are belittled and controlled under the claim that it is God's will, when service is forced and not freely given, and when prejudice is shown to some while favoritism is shown to others, that wounds deeply. It is understandable that you would step away from gathering with believers and from reading the Bible and praying when those things have been used to insult and pressure you.
It is important to make a distinction that Scripture itself makes. The failure and hypocrisy of people, even people in churches, is not the same as Jesus Christ Himself. The history of what people have done in the name of the church is often shameful and cannot be defended. What can be defended is Jesus and the simple gospel He taught and His apostles proclaimed. God is not at fault for the lack of love and power that comes when His people act hypocritically. In fact much of the reason people leave and pews become empty is that very hypocrisy, and the way some churches have brought worldly ways inside while putting a heavy yoke on people.
You mentioned being forbidden to marry, constant belittling presented as God's will, and being pressed into free service that was called ministry. The Bible teaches that giving and serving in the early church was voluntary, not a requirement forced on people. It also teaches that God does not show favoritism between peoples, and that marriage is honorable, a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman where love and faithfulness belong. To forbid marriage as a means of control, or to use God's name to justify humiliation, is a human rule disguised as divine will. It puts a yoke of bondage on people that God never intended. We are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone, not by works or by keeping rules made by people, and God purifies hearts by faith.
You also shared that you have chosen atheism because it feels like more freedom, and that faith did not pay your bills. The desire for freedom after being controlled is understandable, but turning away from God does not bring true freedom. It leaves the deeper need of the soul unmet. God does care about your daily needs, including your bills and your work in the marketplace, but His provision is not to be confused with a church using people for free labor or promising financial gain in exchange for compliance. True freedom is found in knowing Jesus Himself, not in a system that exploits.
You also mentioned stopping reading and praying. Faith is not something you can work up by effort, it is a gift from God. To everyone He gives a measure of faith to believe in Jesus, and at times He gives a special faith for a particular need. That faith does not operate at the same strength every moment. Scripture shows that even great men of faith had lapses. Abraham, a man of faith, at one point passed his wife off as his sister out of fear. Elijah, after great courage, ran and hid in a cave. If you feel your faith has failed or is gone, you are not alone in that experience. The concern God has for you, as Paul had for the believers he loved when he suffered affliction, is whether you will continue in faith in Christ despite affliction and disappointment with people.
Passive faith says God can do something. Active faith trusts that God will act now as you look to Him. That faith is awakened not by pressure or manipulation, but by simply hearing and trusting His Word. A genuine faith will change a life and will show itself in actions, but those actions do not earn salvation. As James teaches, faith without works is dead because real faith naturally produces a changed life, yet we are justified before God by faith alone, not by works.
God invites you to come back to Him directly, not to a system of humiliation and control, but to Jesus Christ who receives you by faith. You do not need to earn His favor through forced service or through enduring insult. You can speak to Him honestly even with weak faith, and ask Him to give you faith to believe again. He is the one who gives faith, and He is patient when our faith wavers.
May God show you clearly the difference between the hurt done by people and the love of Christ, heal the wounds of being demeaned and used, and provide for your daily needs according to His kindness. May He lift the burden of human rules that were placed on you, and if it is your desire to marry, may He lead you in His way to a godly marriage that honors Him. Above all, may He draw you back to Himself, to trust again in Jesus alone for salvation, to find His Word alive to you, and to discover that prayer is simply talking honestly with a Father who hears and does not humiliate His children.
It is important to make a distinction that Scripture itself makes. The failure and hypocrisy of people, even people in churches, is not the same as Jesus Christ Himself. The history of what people have done in the name of the church is often shameful and cannot be defended. What can be defended is Jesus and the simple gospel He taught and His apostles proclaimed. God is not at fault for the lack of love and power that comes when His people act hypocritically. In fact much of the reason people leave and pews become empty is that very hypocrisy, and the way some churches have brought worldly ways inside while putting a heavy yoke on people.
You mentioned being forbidden to marry, constant belittling presented as God's will, and being pressed into free service that was called ministry. The Bible teaches that giving and serving in the early church was voluntary, not a requirement forced on people. It also teaches that God does not show favoritism between peoples, and that marriage is honorable, a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman where love and faithfulness belong. To forbid marriage as a means of control, or to use God's name to justify humiliation, is a human rule disguised as divine will. It puts a yoke of bondage on people that God never intended. We are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone, not by works or by keeping rules made by people, and God purifies hearts by faith.
You also shared that you have chosen atheism because it feels like more freedom, and that faith did not pay your bills. The desire for freedom after being controlled is understandable, but turning away from God does not bring true freedom. It leaves the deeper need of the soul unmet. God does care about your daily needs, including your bills and your work in the marketplace, but His provision is not to be confused with a church using people for free labor or promising financial gain in exchange for compliance. True freedom is found in knowing Jesus Himself, not in a system that exploits.
You also mentioned stopping reading and praying. Faith is not something you can work up by effort, it is a gift from God. To everyone He gives a measure of faith to believe in Jesus, and at times He gives a special faith for a particular need. That faith does not operate at the same strength every moment. Scripture shows that even great men of faith had lapses. Abraham, a man of faith, at one point passed his wife off as his sister out of fear. Elijah, after great courage, ran and hid in a cave. If you feel your faith has failed or is gone, you are not alone in that experience. The concern God has for you, as Paul had for the believers he loved when he suffered affliction, is whether you will continue in faith in Christ despite affliction and disappointment with people.
Passive faith says God can do something. Active faith trusts that God will act now as you look to Him. That faith is awakened not by pressure or manipulation, but by simply hearing and trusting His Word. A genuine faith will change a life and will show itself in actions, but those actions do not earn salvation. As James teaches, faith without works is dead because real faith naturally produces a changed life, yet we are justified before God by faith alone, not by works.
God invites you to come back to Him directly, not to a system of humiliation and control, but to Jesus Christ who receives you by faith. You do not need to earn His favor through forced service or through enduring insult. You can speak to Him honestly even with weak faith, and ask Him to give you faith to believe again. He is the one who gives faith, and He is patient when our faith wavers.
May God show you clearly the difference between the hurt done by people and the love of Christ, heal the wounds of being demeaned and used, and provide for your daily needs according to His kindness. May He lift the burden of human rules that were placed on you, and if it is your desire to marry, may He lead you in His way to a godly marriage that honors Him. Above all, may He draw you back to Himself, to trust again in Jesus alone for salvation, to find His Word alive to you, and to discover that prayer is simply talking honestly with a Father who hears and does not humiliate His children.
