leona
Humble Servant of All
Will anyone rejoice with me?
I owed more than I ever owed before on my rent. Thank God, He has come through time & time again so the proprietors do not lock my room door anymore; they wait to see what will happen. They have yelled insults at me before, thinking for sure I was out and had to leave the desk and unlock the door on 4 occasions.
I needed over $100 this weekend to stay. It seemed impossible because my former church associates have been busy making sure I was turned away from the places I used to go for help, especially on the weekend when I usually did get over $100. They have slowed things down, spreading messages like, I do not want to work and I could find a job or that men should not be helping me because I'm a lesbian. Yet someone always showed up and helped me out when God would tell me to wait or not to give up or He was with me.
By the way, I am not a lesbian and I never was. It goes against our culture to be celibate no matter what denomination you belong to.
So they pulled out all the stops and made sure I could not return to those spots. I began to question myself. I wondered if God was still going to help me with this rent. You see, if I do not hear from His Spirit to be led as to where to go, I would be finished. For instance, Saturday I went to an area that seemed more reasonable to go to than the place that was on my heart. I got $6. I started to give up and I felt so lost. I stopped at a 24hr. wash house and went up to a little over $30. That was not enough to pay for one day, let alone bring down my debt. I stayed there until Sunday morning, while the place was empty, I prayed all night, mainly in tongues.
In the morning I went to a store that I did not think it was wise to go to, but it was on my heart, so I thought I would follow that this time.
I prayed for more than $100 and I felt that would take a miracle and for me to be out until almost midnight. I asked God to help me have enough by 1pm. I felt this was a stretch to ask for. I ask for what is on my heart. In other words, I might want all the money at once, but I might have a certain amount in my mind that I feel I would get - it is what I almost always would get. I know if I'm going to get $60 or $40. I might be standing up for 5 hours and running out of time to be in a certain place with $20 expecting to get $70 because that is what I have in my heart. The place might be closing in 20 minutes and within 20 minutes I would have the other $50. This is an almost every day occurrence. I know what I am going to get. Sometimes I have to sit for over an hour with my eyes closed to feel peace and hear quietly what is in my heart. I always need to go to God for reassurance because there is always some attack, some insult, or just the absolute overwhelming nature of this situation to deal with. I am being discussed on public transportation, on the streets, in business establishments, and sometimes on the radio. People are going out of their way to 'mess me up,' as Bahamians say. There are people who celebrate whenever something negative happens to me. They have their friends on the police force harass me. I am turned down for employment over and over again. It is a bit much to walk out on the street into this atmosphere. Even if I stay in the room I'm renting, people would walk past the door and make remarks. I need to connect with the Presence of God to have peace and not lose my mind. I need peace to sense that Presence more acutely than the hostility around me. I need to sense His Presence and have peace to hear from Him. I need to hear to have faith. I cannot depend on all those other times He came through to move in faith.
I asked God for people I did not ask to help me and for someone to give me $50. I asked this to be affirmed by God that He understands and is letting me know my heart is right before Him. I do not ask women for help unless I know them well. Many women helped me whom I did not ask. One man drove away and came back to start an argument with me, demanding me to explain why I was asking for help instead of working. I knew it was planned; he made sure others around could hear. I had no answer to prove I was not being misleading to people. I stopped looking at him and started praying out loud for God to vindicate me. I do not know what happened, but after he drove away the second time, people came out the store and started handing me money - I did not ask them. One lady and her daughter gave me $3, then came back and gave me $10. She asked me what happened and said she might come back. She did and gave me another $70! I never asked this woman for a dollar. I did not know her, never saw her before. I got back and paid $170 on the $283 I owed just after 11am this morning.
I was going to go back out, but I sat down and woke up after 6pm. Anyway, God will provide.
I'm really praying for this learned discipline of hearing from God and being led by His Spirit to translate into a dynamic life of ministering to other people around me. I pray for God to use me when others need to hear from Him, to witness with power using the Word of Knowledge or Wisdom or Prophecy. I pray that He would stretch out His hand to heal and deliver all these people I pass eating out of the garbage bin.
I owed more than I ever owed before on my rent. Thank God, He has come through time & time again so the proprietors do not lock my room door anymore; they wait to see what will happen. They have yelled insults at me before, thinking for sure I was out and had to leave the desk and unlock the door on 4 occasions.
I needed over $100 this weekend to stay. It seemed impossible because my former church associates have been busy making sure I was turned away from the places I used to go for help, especially on the weekend when I usually did get over $100. They have slowed things down, spreading messages like, I do not want to work and I could find a job or that men should not be helping me because I'm a lesbian. Yet someone always showed up and helped me out when God would tell me to wait or not to give up or He was with me.
So they pulled out all the stops and made sure I could not return to those spots. I began to question myself. I wondered if God was still going to help me with this rent. You see, if I do not hear from His Spirit to be led as to where to go, I would be finished. For instance, Saturday I went to an area that seemed more reasonable to go to than the place that was on my heart. I got $6. I started to give up and I felt so lost. I stopped at a 24hr. wash house and went up to a little over $30. That was not enough to pay for one day, let alone bring down my debt. I stayed there until Sunday morning, while the place was empty, I prayed all night, mainly in tongues.
In the morning I went to a store that I did not think it was wise to go to, but it was on my heart, so I thought I would follow that this time.
I prayed for more than $100 and I felt that would take a miracle and for me to be out until almost midnight. I asked God to help me have enough by 1pm. I felt this was a stretch to ask for. I ask for what is on my heart. In other words, I might want all the money at once, but I might have a certain amount in my mind that I feel I would get - it is what I almost always would get. I know if I'm going to get $60 or $40. I might be standing up for 5 hours and running out of time to be in a certain place with $20 expecting to get $70 because that is what I have in my heart. The place might be closing in 20 minutes and within 20 minutes I would have the other $50. This is an almost every day occurrence. I know what I am going to get. Sometimes I have to sit for over an hour with my eyes closed to feel peace and hear quietly what is in my heart. I always need to go to God for reassurance because there is always some attack, some insult, or just the absolute overwhelming nature of this situation to deal with. I am being discussed on public transportation, on the streets, in business establishments, and sometimes on the radio. People are going out of their way to 'mess me up,' as Bahamians say. There are people who celebrate whenever something negative happens to me. They have their friends on the police force harass me. I am turned down for employment over and over again. It is a bit much to walk out on the street into this atmosphere. Even if I stay in the room I'm renting, people would walk past the door and make remarks. I need to connect with the Presence of God to have peace and not lose my mind. I need peace to sense that Presence more acutely than the hostility around me. I need to sense His Presence and have peace to hear from Him. I need to hear to have faith. I cannot depend on all those other times He came through to move in faith.
I asked God for people I did not ask to help me and for someone to give me $50. I asked this to be affirmed by God that He understands and is letting me know my heart is right before Him. I do not ask women for help unless I know them well. Many women helped me whom I did not ask. One man drove away and came back to start an argument with me, demanding me to explain why I was asking for help instead of working. I knew it was planned; he made sure others around could hear. I had no answer to prove I was not being misleading to people. I stopped looking at him and started praying out loud for God to vindicate me. I do not know what happened, but after he drove away the second time, people came out the store and started handing me money - I did not ask them. One lady and her daughter gave me $3, then came back and gave me $10. She asked me what happened and said she might come back. She did and gave me another $70! I never asked this woman for a dollar. I did not know her, never saw her before. I got back and paid $170 on the $283 I owed just after 11am this morning.
I'm really praying for this learned discipline of hearing from God and being led by His Spirit to translate into a dynamic life of ministering to other people around me. I pray for God to use me when others need to hear from Him, to witness with power using the Word of Knowledge or Wisdom or Prophecy. I pray that He would stretch out His hand to heal and deliver all these people I pass eating out of the garbage bin.
