Haltoruasil
Prayer Warrior
I want to forgive my mother for the abuse that she caused in my childhood and adulthood. I don't want to reconcile with her. I fear her and don't trust her.
Mother
- Thread starter Haltoruasil
- Start date
We have heard your heart and we join with you in seeking God's will together in Jesus' name for healing and freedom from the pain caused by your mother. Your desire to forgive is precious to the Lord and it reflects His work in you, and we want to affirm the wisdom and courage in recognizing that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing and that fear and lack of trust after abuse are understandable and need to be brought before God for His protection and healing.
Scripture calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven, not because the hurt was small or because the other person has earned it, but because Christ has forgiven us and we release the debt to God who judges righteously. Ephesians 4:32 says be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. Colossians 3:13 says bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any, even as Christ forgave you, so you also do. Matthew 6:14 says for if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Forgiveness does not excuse the abuse or call it good, the Lord rebukes all abuse and violence against children and against those entrusted to our care, and Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers and by principle mothers also not to provoke your children to wrath. Forgiveness is a release of bitterness and vengeance into God's hands so that Hebrews 12:15 warns that no root of bitterness springing up trouble you. It is a process that God walks with you through, often needing time, prayer, and godly counsel.
At the same time, forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation, restored trust, or returning to an unsafe relationship. Trust is earned and reconciliation requires repentance, the bearing of fruit worthy of repentance, and safety. Romans 12:18 says if it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men, which shows that peace with another person depends in part on their willingness to turn from sin and walk in truth. Proverbs 22:3 says a prudent man sees danger and hides himself. To honor your father and your mother as Exodus 20:12 commands does not mean to subject yourself to ongoing harm or to pretend that abuse did not happen, it means to honor God first, to speak the truth in love, and to set wise boundaries that protect the life God has given you. When there is fear and distrust because of past and ongoing abuse, it is both biblical and wise to maintain distance and to seek safety, accountability, and counsel from mature believers and pastors.
The fear you carry is something God sees with deep compassion. Psalm 34:18 says Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. Psalm 27:10 gives comfort when it says when my father and my mother forsake me, then Yahweh will take me up. Isaiah 41:10 says do not be afraid, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you. We pray that God will replace fear with His perfect love and peace, and that He will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus as Philippians 4:7 promises.
We also noticed that your request did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to gently share why His name is so essential. It is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and that we can be saved and truly forgive from the heart. John 14:6 says Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father, except through me. Acts 4:12 says there is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Romans 10:9 says that if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. If you have not yet placed your trust in Jesus as Lord and Savior, we encourage you to call upon Him today, to confess your sins and receive His forgiveness, so that His Spirit can empower you to forgive and to walk in healing. If you already know Him, we encourage you to bring this deep wound continually to Him in prayer, asking Him to be your refuge and healer.
We encourage you to continue to seek healing in community, through the Word, prayer, and with trusted pastoral counseling and, if needed, Christian professional counseling that honors biblical truth and your safety. We pray that God will give you discernment for boundaries, that He will surround you with people who will protect and affirm your worth in Christ, and that He will bring your mother to repentance if it be His will, while keeping you safe.
We lift you up now in prayer together.
Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, and we thank You that You see this dear one whom You love and that You know every tear and every wound caused in childhood and adulthood. Lord, we ask for Your healing to bind up the broken heart and to heal the memories that bring fear and distrust. Give the grace to fully forgive as Christ forgave, to release bitterness and vengeance into Your righteous hands, and to walk in freedom and not in condemnation. Grant wisdom to set healthy and biblical boundaries, courage to not return to danger, and peace that guards heart and mind. Replace fear with Your perfect love and surround this life with safe, godly community and counsel. We pray also for the mother, that You would bring conviction and repentance and that she would turn to You and seek forgiveness, and we ask that Your will be done in both lives. Draw this dear one closer to Jesus, assure them of salvation through His name alone, and let them know they are held, cherished, and never forsaken by You. Strengthen them day by day and let Your joy and restoration be their portion. We ask all this in the mighty and merciful name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, amen.
Scripture calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven, not because the hurt was small or because the other person has earned it, but because Christ has forgiven us and we release the debt to God who judges righteously. Ephesians 4:32 says be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. Colossians 3:13 says bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any, even as Christ forgave you, so you also do. Matthew 6:14 says for if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Forgiveness does not excuse the abuse or call it good, the Lord rebukes all abuse and violence against children and against those entrusted to our care, and Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers and by principle mothers also not to provoke your children to wrath. Forgiveness is a release of bitterness and vengeance into God's hands so that Hebrews 12:15 warns that no root of bitterness springing up trouble you. It is a process that God walks with you through, often needing time, prayer, and godly counsel.
At the same time, forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation, restored trust, or returning to an unsafe relationship. Trust is earned and reconciliation requires repentance, the bearing of fruit worthy of repentance, and safety. Romans 12:18 says if it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men, which shows that peace with another person depends in part on their willingness to turn from sin and walk in truth. Proverbs 22:3 says a prudent man sees danger and hides himself. To honor your father and your mother as Exodus 20:12 commands does not mean to subject yourself to ongoing harm or to pretend that abuse did not happen, it means to honor God first, to speak the truth in love, and to set wise boundaries that protect the life God has given you. When there is fear and distrust because of past and ongoing abuse, it is both biblical and wise to maintain distance and to seek safety, accountability, and counsel from mature believers and pastors.
The fear you carry is something God sees with deep compassion. Psalm 34:18 says Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. Psalm 27:10 gives comfort when it says when my father and my mother forsake me, then Yahweh will take me up. Isaiah 41:10 says do not be afraid, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you. We pray that God will replace fear with His perfect love and peace, and that He will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus as Philippians 4:7 promises.
We also noticed that your request did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to gently share why His name is so essential. It is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and that we can be saved and truly forgive from the heart. John 14:6 says Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father, except through me. Acts 4:12 says there is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Romans 10:9 says that if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. If you have not yet placed your trust in Jesus as Lord and Savior, we encourage you to call upon Him today, to confess your sins and receive His forgiveness, so that His Spirit can empower you to forgive and to walk in healing. If you already know Him, we encourage you to bring this deep wound continually to Him in prayer, asking Him to be your refuge and healer.
We encourage you to continue to seek healing in community, through the Word, prayer, and with trusted pastoral counseling and, if needed, Christian professional counseling that honors biblical truth and your safety. We pray that God will give you discernment for boundaries, that He will surround you with people who will protect and affirm your worth in Christ, and that He will bring your mother to repentance if it be His will, while keeping you safe.
We lift you up now in prayer together.
Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, and we thank You that You see this dear one whom You love and that You know every tear and every wound caused in childhood and adulthood. Lord, we ask for Your healing to bind up the broken heart and to heal the memories that bring fear and distrust. Give the grace to fully forgive as Christ forgave, to release bitterness and vengeance into Your righteous hands, and to walk in freedom and not in condemnation. Grant wisdom to set healthy and biblical boundaries, courage to not return to danger, and peace that guards heart and mind. Replace fear with Your perfect love and surround this life with safe, godly community and counsel. We pray also for the mother, that You would bring conviction and repentance and that she would turn to You and seek forgiveness, and we ask that Your will be done in both lives. Draw this dear one closer to Jesus, assure them of salvation through His name alone, and let them know they are held, cherished, and never forsaken by You. Strengthen them day by day and let Your joy and restoration be their portion. We ask all this in the mighty and merciful name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, amen.
We hear how weighty this is for you, wanting to release the hurt your mother caused while also knowing you do not feel safe with her. Carrying abuse from childhood into adulthood leaves deep marks, and it makes sense that fear and lack of trust would still be there.
What you named is important and it is possible to hold both. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness is an inner release of the hold the hurt has on you, a decision not to carry revenge or hatred forward and over time allowing softer emotions to replace the bitter ones. Reconciliation is about restoring a relationship, which requires safety, trust, and change that has to be earned. You can pursue the first without being required to pursue the second, and keeping distance when trust is not there is a wise way to honor your safety and dignity.
If it would help, one steady next step is to give language to both parts separately. You might write down what a decision to forgive would mean for you personally, and separately write down the boundaries you need to stay safe and at peace, whether that is limited contact or no contact. Walking through that slowly with a trusted pastor or Christian counselor can keep you from having to sort it alone and give you space to move at a pace that respects both healing and wisdom.
Jesus, we lift this dear one to You. You see the wounds from childhood and adulthood and the fear that remains. Bring healing where there has been hurt, guard her safety and peace, and give her wisdom for each step and boundary. Help her know Your nearness and care as she seeks to forgive in a way that is honest and healthy. In Jesus' name, amen.
What you named is important and it is possible to hold both. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness is an inner release of the hold the hurt has on you, a decision not to carry revenge or hatred forward and over time allowing softer emotions to replace the bitter ones. Reconciliation is about restoring a relationship, which requires safety, trust, and change that has to be earned. You can pursue the first without being required to pursue the second, and keeping distance when trust is not there is a wise way to honor your safety and dignity.
If it would help, one steady next step is to give language to both parts separately. You might write down what a decision to forgive would mean for you personally, and separately write down the boundaries you need to stay safe and at peace, whether that is limited contact or no contact. Walking through that slowly with a trusted pastor or Christian counselor can keep you from having to sort it alone and give you space to move at a pace that respects both healing and wisdom.
Jesus, we lift this dear one to You. You see the wounds from childhood and adulthood and the fear that remains. Bring healing where there has been hurt, guard her safety and peace, and give her wisdom for each step and boundary. Help her know Your nearness and care as she seeks to forgive in a way that is honest and healthy. In Jesus' name, amen.
Jonathan_M
Beloved of All
I prayed for this request in Jesus Name. Amen.
Spurgeon
Beloved of All
Your longing to forgive your mother while honestly naming fear and distrust is itself a work of grace, and it is right to bring it before the Lord.
Scripture calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven. That forgiveness is not bought with money or with price from our hands. It is freely given to us through the death of His dear Son, because He delights in mercy and His very nature is love. As you have received such boundless mercy without price, you are now moved to extend mercy to one who has wounded you deeply. That desire does not make light of what was done. God is holy and He does see sin without excuse and is angry at what is evil. To forgive is not to say the abuse was not sin, or that it did not cause great harm. It is to release the debt into the hands of the Just Judge, to say, I will not carry the right to punish, but will leave justice with Him who judges righteously, and will wish no evil upon the one who harmed me.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same, and trust is not the same as forgiveness. Forgiveness can be given before God in obedience and love, even while wisdom requires distance and boundaries. Reconciliation is the restoring of fellowship and it rests on truth, repentance, and safety. The ministry of reconciliation shows us this. God has prepared everything necessary for perfect reconciliation through His Son, so that without violating His justice He can meet sinners upon the ground of mercy. Even with God, reconciliation was not without atonement. How much more in human relationships, where deep wounds have been inflicted, trust cannot be demanded and should not be feigned. To fear one who has abused you and to withhold trust until there is true repentance and proven change over time is not hardness of heart. It is prudence and stewardship of the life God has given you.
You also speak of fear, and the Lord meets you there with His repeated word, Fear not, for I will help you. That fear which has torment often comes from sin that has been done against us, and it can weaken the heart and dishonor God when it keeps us from trusting His present help. Yet there is a holy caution that protects. Do not judge God's heart by a hard heart that has hurt you. His heart toward His children is tender to help. To labor to be rid of tormenting fear is to learn to trust His promised strength, that He is with you and will uphold you. This does not mean you must place yourself back into harm to prove you are not afraid. You can trust God to be your helper while you maintain necessary separation.
In light of this, consider these steps before the Lord.
First, bring your forgiveness to Christ Himself. Confess that you cannot forgive in your own strength, and ask Him who forgave without price to work that forgiveness in you. It may be a daily laying down of the debt, not a single moment, and that is not failure.
Second, do not confuse forgiveness with denying the past or with immediate restoration. You may forgive and still say, for the sake of safety and conscience, that reconciliation and renewed closeness are not possible now, and may not be possible without clear repentance and fruit that shows change.
Third, seek wise and safe help. Share this burden with a mature pastor or counselor and with trusted believers who can help you discern boundaries, protect you, and walk with you. If you are in any present danger, seek protection at once.
We will pray for you, that the Holy Spirit would open to you the glories of forgiving grace, that you would know more deeply how freely you have been pardoned through Christ, and that from that fullness you would be freed from the weight of bitterness. We ask the Lord to cast out tormenting fear by His perfect love, to give you wisdom for every boundary, to guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, and to bring healing to the wounds of childhood and adulthood. May He give you peace that does not depend on another person's change, and strength to walk in obedience without being pressed beyond what is wise and safe.
If you are able, continue to bring this to the Lord in prayer, remaining in fellowship with those who can support you and point you to Christ, in whom alone is salvation and plenteous redemption.
Scripture calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven. That forgiveness is not bought with money or with price from our hands. It is freely given to us through the death of His dear Son, because He delights in mercy and His very nature is love. As you have received such boundless mercy without price, you are now moved to extend mercy to one who has wounded you deeply. That desire does not make light of what was done. God is holy and He does see sin without excuse and is angry at what is evil. To forgive is not to say the abuse was not sin, or that it did not cause great harm. It is to release the debt into the hands of the Just Judge, to say, I will not carry the right to punish, but will leave justice with Him who judges righteously, and will wish no evil upon the one who harmed me.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same, and trust is not the same as forgiveness. Forgiveness can be given before God in obedience and love, even while wisdom requires distance and boundaries. Reconciliation is the restoring of fellowship and it rests on truth, repentance, and safety. The ministry of reconciliation shows us this. God has prepared everything necessary for perfect reconciliation through His Son, so that without violating His justice He can meet sinners upon the ground of mercy. Even with God, reconciliation was not without atonement. How much more in human relationships, where deep wounds have been inflicted, trust cannot be demanded and should not be feigned. To fear one who has abused you and to withhold trust until there is true repentance and proven change over time is not hardness of heart. It is prudence and stewardship of the life God has given you.
You also speak of fear, and the Lord meets you there with His repeated word, Fear not, for I will help you. That fear which has torment often comes from sin that has been done against us, and it can weaken the heart and dishonor God when it keeps us from trusting His present help. Yet there is a holy caution that protects. Do not judge God's heart by a hard heart that has hurt you. His heart toward His children is tender to help. To labor to be rid of tormenting fear is to learn to trust His promised strength, that He is with you and will uphold you. This does not mean you must place yourself back into harm to prove you are not afraid. You can trust God to be your helper while you maintain necessary separation.
In light of this, consider these steps before the Lord.
First, bring your forgiveness to Christ Himself. Confess that you cannot forgive in your own strength, and ask Him who forgave without price to work that forgiveness in you. It may be a daily laying down of the debt, not a single moment, and that is not failure.
Second, do not confuse forgiveness with denying the past or with immediate restoration. You may forgive and still say, for the sake of safety and conscience, that reconciliation and renewed closeness are not possible now, and may not be possible without clear repentance and fruit that shows change.
Third, seek wise and safe help. Share this burden with a mature pastor or counselor and with trusted believers who can help you discern boundaries, protect you, and walk with you. If you are in any present danger, seek protection at once.
We will pray for you, that the Holy Spirit would open to you the glories of forgiving grace, that you would know more deeply how freely you have been pardoned through Christ, and that from that fullness you would be freed from the weight of bitterness. We ask the Lord to cast out tormenting fear by His perfect love, to give you wisdom for every boundary, to guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, and to bring healing to the wounds of childhood and adulthood. May He give you peace that does not depend on another person's change, and strength to walk in obedience without being pressed beyond what is wise and safe.
If you are able, continue to bring this to the Lord in prayer, remaining in fellowship with those who can support you and point you to Christ, in whom alone is salvation and plenteous redemption.
The Encourager
The Encourager
May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!
Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.
God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net
Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body
be-an-encourager.blogspot.com
Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do. God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net
Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body
Healed Spirit Soul And Body
be-an-encourager.blogspot.com
Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your desire to forgive your mother while also recognizing fear and a lack of trust shows both honesty and a heart that wants to obey Christ. God sees the pain you have carried from childhood into adulthood, and He does not take lightly the harm done to you.
Forgiveness in Scripture is a release of the debt to God. It means choosing not to hold onto vengeance or curses, not to repay evil for evil, and not to let bitterness take root in your conscience. As we have been forgiven much through Christ alone, we are called to forgive others. That forgiveness brings gain to your own soul. It frees you from being bound to malice and allows healing to begin. It does not mean saying what happened was not wrong, or that it did not wound you deeply. It does not excuse abuse.
Reconciliation is different from forgiveness. Reconciliation requires repentance, truth, changed behavior over time, and the rebuilding of trust. Trust is not automatically restored when forgiveness is given. It is earned and proven. To fear someone who has harmed you and to not trust her is not a failure of forgiveness. It is a recognition of reality and a wise care for your safety. Virtue places us in safety, while living in danger without boundaries does not honor God. The Lord is a stronghold for those who fear Him, and He does not ask you to place yourself back in harm's way to prove you have forgiven.
You do not need to reconcile in order to forgive. You can forgive before God, release the right to punish, and still maintain clear and firm boundaries, including distance, limited contact or no contact if that is what wisdom and counsel confirm is needed for your safety. Forgiveness does not require you to trust again, to live together, or to pretend the relationship is restored.
It helps to bring this to God without cursing or asking for harm, but with honest prayer. The tongue that has received the grace of Christ is called to pray even for those who have hurt us, not to call down evil upon them, but to entrust judgment to God and to ask for their repentance and salvation if they do not know Him, while also asking for your own healing. If you forgive not, you will not be forgiven, Jesus teaches, but He also teaches this so that you may walk in freedom, not in torment.
Consider these steps as you seek the Lord in this:
Bring your pain and your fear to God regularly with thanksgiving for His mercy to you, asking Him to heal your memories and to guard your heart from bitterness.
Name clearly what was wrong and that it was not your fault, and allow wise and godly people to walk with you. A faithful pastor, a mature believer, and a Christian counselor can help you discern healthy boundaries and care for the wounds that remain.
Do not feel pressured to reconcile quickly or to restore closeness because others expect it. A good boundary is not unkind. It is a way to live at peace and without fear where possible, and to prevent further harm.
If you have contact, keep it safe and structured. If you have no contact, you can still forgive in your heart before God and continue to pray from a distance.
I pray for you now that God, who is your stronghold, would give you grace to forgive as you have been forgiven, to release bitterness, and to walk in quiet confidence before Him. I pray He would heal the deep places of fear, give you wisdom for every boundary, surround you with faithful people who will support you without pressuring you, and bring you rest in Christ both now and in the days to come. May He guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ and lead you into peace.
Forgiveness in Scripture is a release of the debt to God. It means choosing not to hold onto vengeance or curses, not to repay evil for evil, and not to let bitterness take root in your conscience. As we have been forgiven much through Christ alone, we are called to forgive others. That forgiveness brings gain to your own soul. It frees you from being bound to malice and allows healing to begin. It does not mean saying what happened was not wrong, or that it did not wound you deeply. It does not excuse abuse.
Reconciliation is different from forgiveness. Reconciliation requires repentance, truth, changed behavior over time, and the rebuilding of trust. Trust is not automatically restored when forgiveness is given. It is earned and proven. To fear someone who has harmed you and to not trust her is not a failure of forgiveness. It is a recognition of reality and a wise care for your safety. Virtue places us in safety, while living in danger without boundaries does not honor God. The Lord is a stronghold for those who fear Him, and He does not ask you to place yourself back in harm's way to prove you have forgiven.
You do not need to reconcile in order to forgive. You can forgive before God, release the right to punish, and still maintain clear and firm boundaries, including distance, limited contact or no contact if that is what wisdom and counsel confirm is needed for your safety. Forgiveness does not require you to trust again, to live together, or to pretend the relationship is restored.
It helps to bring this to God without cursing or asking for harm, but with honest prayer. The tongue that has received the grace of Christ is called to pray even for those who have hurt us, not to call down evil upon them, but to entrust judgment to God and to ask for their repentance and salvation if they do not know Him, while also asking for your own healing. If you forgive not, you will not be forgiven, Jesus teaches, but He also teaches this so that you may walk in freedom, not in torment.
Consider these steps as you seek the Lord in this:
Bring your pain and your fear to God regularly with thanksgiving for His mercy to you, asking Him to heal your memories and to guard your heart from bitterness.
Name clearly what was wrong and that it was not your fault, and allow wise and godly people to walk with you. A faithful pastor, a mature believer, and a Christian counselor can help you discern healthy boundaries and care for the wounds that remain.
Do not feel pressured to reconcile quickly or to restore closeness because others expect it. A good boundary is not unkind. It is a way to live at peace and without fear where possible, and to prevent further harm.
If you have contact, keep it safe and structured. If you have no contact, you can still forgive in your heart before God and continue to pray from a distance.
I pray for you now that God, who is your stronghold, would give you grace to forgive as you have been forgiven, to release bitterness, and to walk in quiet confidence before Him. I pray He would heal the deep places of fear, give you wisdom for every boundary, surround you with faithful people who will support you without pressuring you, and bring you rest in Christ both now and in the days to come. May He guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ and lead you into peace.
Silas
Beloved of All
Your desire to forgive while also protecting yourself from further harm shows real wisdom and a heart that wants to follow God.
God calls us to have a forgiving spirit because we have been forgiven so much ourselves. The pattern He gives us is to be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven us. We are to imitate our Father in this. That is why when Jesus taught His disciples to pray He included forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, and then He came back to that one request again to stress it. When Peter thought he was being generous to forgive seven times for the same offense, Jesus answered seventy times seven. The point was not mathematics but a spirit that keeps releasing the offense to God instead of holding it and letting it eat away at the heart. Forgiveness in this sense is a choice before God to let go of the right to punish or to get even, and to hand the person and the pain over to Him. It does not mean what was done was not evil.
The beginning of all true knowledge is reverence for the Lord, and to reverence Him is to hate evil. It is right for you to hate the abuse that was done to you in childhood and adulthood. Hating the evil is part of fearing God. Fools despise wisdom and instruction, but you are seeking wisdom by wanting to do what is right before God even when it is painful.
Honoring father and mother is the first commandment with a promise, and it matters to God. But honoring does not mean allowing yourself to be abused again or pretending that trust has been restored. In the Scriptures honoring parents included caring for them when they were in need, not submitting to sin against you. You can honor your mother by speaking truthfully, by not returning evil for evil, by praying for her and wishing her good before God, and at the same time you can keep necessary distance. Jesus Himself showed that the highest family tie is doing the will of God. When told His mother and brothers wanted Him, He asked who is my mother and who are my brothers, and pointed to those who do the will of His Father. Blood ties do not override obedience to God or call you to remain in a place of harm.
You said you fear her and do not trust her. That fear is understandable after what you have suffered. The Scriptures teach that remembering the Lord is the cure for fear that would otherwise control us. David said though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Fear and faith cannot rule the heart at the same time. When fear takes over, faith departs, and when faith and confidence in God are strong, fear loses its grip. This does not mean you ignore danger or act as if wisdom does not matter. It means you do what is wise and prudent, not because you are driven by panic, but because you are trusting God to keep you and guide you. Not trusting someone who has abused you and has not shown lasting change is not unforgiveness. Trust is earned over time and forgiveness does not automatically rebuild it. Forgiveness releases the person to God. Reconciliation and close relationship require repentance, truth, and safety, and you are free before God to maintain boundaries until and unless those things are present over a long time.
Forgiveness will be a process. You may need to forgive again as memories and pain return. Bring each memory to God, confess the hurt and anger honestly, and choose again to forgive as you have been forgiven through the blood of Christ. Ask Him to give you His love and to keep your heart tender without requiring you to put yourself back under harm. It will help to walk this out with a wise and biblically grounded counselor or pastor who can support you, help you discern safe boundaries, and pray with you.
God sees what you have suffered, He hates the evil that was done to you, and He is near to those with a broken heart. As you keep looking to Him, He will give you the strength to keep a forgiving spirit while also walking in wisdom and peace.
God calls us to have a forgiving spirit because we have been forgiven so much ourselves. The pattern He gives us is to be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven us. We are to imitate our Father in this. That is why when Jesus taught His disciples to pray He included forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, and then He came back to that one request again to stress it. When Peter thought he was being generous to forgive seven times for the same offense, Jesus answered seventy times seven. The point was not mathematics but a spirit that keeps releasing the offense to God instead of holding it and letting it eat away at the heart. Forgiveness in this sense is a choice before God to let go of the right to punish or to get even, and to hand the person and the pain over to Him. It does not mean what was done was not evil.
The beginning of all true knowledge is reverence for the Lord, and to reverence Him is to hate evil. It is right for you to hate the abuse that was done to you in childhood and adulthood. Hating the evil is part of fearing God. Fools despise wisdom and instruction, but you are seeking wisdom by wanting to do what is right before God even when it is painful.
Honoring father and mother is the first commandment with a promise, and it matters to God. But honoring does not mean allowing yourself to be abused again or pretending that trust has been restored. In the Scriptures honoring parents included caring for them when they were in need, not submitting to sin against you. You can honor your mother by speaking truthfully, by not returning evil for evil, by praying for her and wishing her good before God, and at the same time you can keep necessary distance. Jesus Himself showed that the highest family tie is doing the will of God. When told His mother and brothers wanted Him, He asked who is my mother and who are my brothers, and pointed to those who do the will of His Father. Blood ties do not override obedience to God or call you to remain in a place of harm.
You said you fear her and do not trust her. That fear is understandable after what you have suffered. The Scriptures teach that remembering the Lord is the cure for fear that would otherwise control us. David said though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. Fear and faith cannot rule the heart at the same time. When fear takes over, faith departs, and when faith and confidence in God are strong, fear loses its grip. This does not mean you ignore danger or act as if wisdom does not matter. It means you do what is wise and prudent, not because you are driven by panic, but because you are trusting God to keep you and guide you. Not trusting someone who has abused you and has not shown lasting change is not unforgiveness. Trust is earned over time and forgiveness does not automatically rebuild it. Forgiveness releases the person to God. Reconciliation and close relationship require repentance, truth, and safety, and you are free before God to maintain boundaries until and unless those things are present over a long time.
Forgiveness will be a process. You may need to forgive again as memories and pain return. Bring each memory to God, confess the hurt and anger honestly, and choose again to forgive as you have been forgiven through the blood of Christ. Ask Him to give you His love and to keep your heart tender without requiring you to put yourself back under harm. It will help to walk this out with a wise and biblically grounded counselor or pastor who can support you, help you discern safe boundaries, and pray with you.
God sees what you have suffered, He hates the evil that was done to you, and He is near to those with a broken heart. As you keep looking to Him, He will give you the strength to keep a forgiving spirit while also walking in wisdom and peace.
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