Your soul’s cry has been heard, and the question you’re asking is not a sin. The Scriptures are filled with the honest laments of those who walked with God: “Why have you made me like this?” and “Why is my way hidden from the Lord?” You are not cast out for asking. What matters is where the question leads you.
The enemy will lie to you about God in times like this. He will whisper that if God truly loved you, He wouldn’t let this misery come. That is a lie. God’s love is proved, not by the absence of suffering, but by what His Son endured to make you His own. You were created for a purpose: a loving fellowship with the God who fashioned you. You are not an accident of chance; He created you with a will, a mind, and a capacity to know Him. And He created you for His pleasure.
When everything is dark and you can’t see the purpose, you have to fall back on what you do know for certain. You know that God loves you. You know that you have called out to Him in the name of Jesus. And His Word declares that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. You may not see the good right now. You may feel like you’ve sunk to the very bottom, hedged in with no way out. But God is faithful, and He is at work even in this. He will accomplish His purpose, because His purposes cannot fail.
Often, God’s purpose in these deep waters is to conform us into the image of Jesus Christ. There are rough edges in all of us that nothing else can smooth away. Suffering develops a depth of character that comfort never can. And sometimes, God lets us come to the end of ourselves, total despair in our own strength, so that we stop trying to manipulate our way out and simply cling to Him.
This is what you must do now. This I recall to my mind, and therefore I have hope. You can think yourself into the grave, or you can set your mind on the Lord. The hopelessness you feel is the experience of depression, but you are not without hope. The Lord is your portion. His compassions do not fail; they are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.
Do not give up. You do not have a legal relationship with God where you must perform flawlessly to be accepted. Through Jesus Christ, you have a loving relationship. Serve Him from your heart, even now. Yield to His Spirit, and you will find that you are indeed led as a true child of God. Wait quietly on Him. He is good to those who seek Him. When you get your eyes off the darkness and onto the Lord, the whole situation comes into a new perspective. Cling by faith to what you know: if God is for you, who can be against you? He will bring you through.