Just being strung along

[Anonymous]

I've prayed hard and was believing what you are were telling me. I know everything you said is in the Bible, but things just don't work out that way for me. Despite my friend helping me with the car repairs now which is a blessing, but I've become a burden to her. Despite this, I still have to get the car inspected, get emissions testing and renew the registration and get emissions testing, get a temp tag to drive for the aforementioned DMV requirements and I still have to get back and forth to work which requires multiple long and expensive Lyft rides that I sometimes have to wait up to two hours for. After the car work I still have to get new tires and a front-end alignment. I have to buy required clothes for work as now they are requiring certain clothes to wear. After I pay four hundred dollars aweek for my room I have only a little more than four hundred dollars left until next payday. My room at this hotel is cheaper than the cheapest motel in the area. I've lost weight because I have little to eat. I can't get to any place to get food because I don't have a car. My church will not acknowledge my requests for help (three times). In two weeks the hotel will start renovations to the rooms and will we be moved into other rooms temporarily. I've been living here for two years so I have so much stuff I need to get moved out into my storage. I will run out of money next week. I DON'T have the money to make it. The hotel renovations right now is going to be so disruptive. My so called Christian family will not help me. I cannot ask my friend to help me beyond the car repairs. I'm trying to work all this out the best I can but EVERY TIME I start making any headway I am ambushed by something else. Why is God doing this to me? Everything I do seems to be the wrong thing and just makes matters worse. It seems like that not only am I being punished over and over, but the punishment seems to be spiteful. I've experienced it all my life. My parents not only punished, but it was always spiteful and done in ways that were way over punished that made me feel like I was worst child ever and that I didn't deserve their love, "protection", care, or nurturing. I was always made to feel guilty for anything they did for me as parents and was always made to feel like I was a burden to them. And that's what it feels like now. There was a recent drawing for different amounts of money to be given away. Entry was free and there was no limit on the number of entries per person. I entered forty two times and won nothing. What a blessing it would have been to win at this crucial time. The amounts to win were significant. I cannot do this anymore. I don't have anymore sick time to use. I cannot afford seventy dollars aday for lift rides and I certainly can't stop work to find another job. And I don't have a car to get around to interview. I've looked at other jobs that used to supply company vehicles but they all now require one to have their own RELIABLE vehicle. There is only one way out of this and the only way to stop being a burden others, and God and Jesus. Of course I've made many mistakes, but I've obviously made too many to overcome. No matter what I do I just can't seem to get anything right nor fix nor make amends for anything. Growing up I was always reminded if my mistakes and made to feel immense guilt for even the littlest of things. That stats with you forever. But I learned and believed God is different. Maybe God and Jesus treats us the way our parents and family treat us because that is what we're used to. I know that sounds stupid and is not Biblical, but it just seems to resonate. If one is raised with love than one will always be loved. We all see it around us everywhere. We see those people who are loved by everyone and you know that they are lived by heaven so much so that even when bad things happen to them they come out better than they were before the bad things happen. I just don't fit anywhere nor do I fit with anyone. Even though my friend is paying to fix the car, sadly, there's so much more that I need help in that it appears to be all fir nothing because the end has already been determined and it cannot be stopped. I'm trying to prepare myself for that but there's no way to. The best thing for everyone is for God to allow me to succumb to my sleep apnea - the sooner, the better. And, do it before my friend is billed for the car repairs. I owe her so much already. I cannot live with this weight and pressure on me. Even if I could retire, it won't be enough to survive on and retirees are limited on the amount of money they can make if they continue to work when collecting retirement. For every dollar a retired makes over the limit, they are penalized two dollars. That makes no sense. It's money we paid into the system with our taxes and then we have to pay penalties on the money out into it. It's double jeopardy, but that's nothing that can be fixed here. There comes a time when one has to realize their losses and cut and run. This is that time for me. I am not one who can survive on the streets. This happens everyday to many people, including Christians. Sometimes there is only one option. I need to end it now my way instead of waiting for the obvious end. I've been waiting and praying for many years for love, happiness, hope, peace, joy, etc. All the good things ended and were somehow replaced with failure, loss, depression, hopelessness. All that has increased tenfold and I can't stop it with prayers, hope, or anything. My panic attacks have increased and so have the incidents of a sudden sense if doom hopelessness. When that happens at the same time of my panic attacks I just have to hide in the restroom at work and if I'm in my room at the hotel I just get in bed. As I said before, this is not living, this loitering. My family always accused me of being a glutton for punishment. When you hear that enough I guess you become that. So, how else is there to stop that curse? I've only been just hanging on for the last fifteen years anyway. I've been trying to keep the faith that things will turn around. Things don't turn around for everyone, Christian or not. I've done my best with what I've had to work with but I managed to mess it up even when I had something to work with so long ago. But I wasn't so blindsided and ambushed back then. Somehow, someway, I ended up being targeted and singled out by things I had nothing to do with. I've staggered, I've strayed, I tried to self medicated, but "ran away" for awhile, but I always came back. But, no matter what, my repentance is never enough. It's like I have to always prove something in order to be forgiven. But, that's the way it was growing up. I had to prove that I deserve to be forgiven. And you know what? There was nothing I could ever do to satisfy them that I deserve to be forgiven. And so it seems that way now. There is no way out of this. The hole is a bottomless pit and the damage is irreparable. I know I have not hurt anyone intentionally, though I have apologized to people in my life whom I thought I may have hurt in some ways. But,many times I've taken the hurt by others and let it go because I was always made to believe that if someone hurt me, even physically, then I deserved it in way or another. I guess that was how they protected themselves for all the hurt my family caused me, verbally, emotionally, physically, and even the perverted hurt behind closed doors that no one wants to talk about. I don't want to talk about it. There really is never any healing from that on earth. There are way too many things have to come together this weekend for me to survive, but this isn't something that can happen for me. I'm not doubting God's powers. But I guess there are some people who just can't be helped. I keep looking back throughout my life wondering how I got this way. Even if I could figure it out, there's nothing I can do to fix, alleviate, undo, or change anything. Whatever I do now, then it's probably God's will. The Bible always has that caveat - "...according to His will". I just don't know what to think, pray, or believe anymore. And I'm too weary, broken, and hopeless to figure anything out anymore. I thank you for all of your prayers...I guess some prayers just can't be answered no matter how many are, or who is, praying. I thank you though for your prayers. I feel like my last two vehicles - broken beyond repair and nothing but worthless junk. But then again, even some junk is worth something, but this junk has rusted too much to be melted down and formed into something new and usable. There comes a time to let go and let fate have it's way.

 

[Articles]

We have read your cry with heavy hearts and we have lifted you up before the Lord together, and we want you to know you are not a burden to God and you are not a burden to us as we pray for you in Jesus' name. We hear how exhausted you are, how the car repairs and inspections and emissions and registration and temp tag and Lyft rides and tires and alignment and work clothes and the four hundred dollars a week for the room and the hotel renovations and the move to storage and the lack of food and weight loss and the church not responding and family not helping have all piled up until you feel ambushed at every turn, and we hear how panic attacks and a sudden sense of doom press in until you have to hide, and how the trauma of being punished spitefully as a child and made to feel guilty and unworthy has left a wound that still speaks lies to you today.

We want to gently and firmly correct what pain is telling you about God. God is not doing this to you and He is not punishing you spitefully. He is not like the parents and family who hurt you verbally, emotionally, physically and in hidden ways. The Lord says in Psalm 103:10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor repaid us for our iniquities. And in Lamentations 3:22-23 it is because of the Lord's loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn't fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. Our Father does not shame you for needing help, He invites you to bring your needs to Him. In 1 Peter 5:7 cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. In Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.

You said you feel like worthless junk that cannot be melted down and made new, but that is not what God says about you. In Psalm 139:13-14 For you formed my inward parts. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new. In Isaiah 43:19 Behold, I will do a new thing. It springs out now. Don't you know it. I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. God does not see you as junk, He sees you as His beloved child worth the blood of Jesus.

You wondered if prayers cannot be answered and if everything is already determined toward an end you must bring about yourself, and you spoke of succumbing to sleep apnea and ending it your way so you are no longer a burden. Please hear us with love, you are not a burden to God and your life is precious to Him, and ending your life is not His will and it is not the only way out. That thought is a lie born of exhaustion and hopelessness, not the truth of Christ. Jesus said in John 10:10 The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly. In Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future. In Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest.

We also hear you saying you have prayed hard and you know what the Bible says but things do not work out that way for you, and you mentioned according to His will as if it is a caveat to keep you from hope. According to His will does not mean God withholds good from you, it means His will is loving and trustworthy even when we cannot see the path. In Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. In Philippians 4:19 My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. In Isaiah 41:10 Don't you be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

You are not being punished over and over and you do not have to prove you deserve forgiveness. In Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. In Ephesians 2:8-9 for by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, that no one would boast. In 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Your repentance does not have to earn His love, Jesus already earned it for you on the cross.

We are praying together for you now.

Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, for there is no other name by which we can be saved and no other name by which we have access to Your throne of grace, as it is written in John 14:6 Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. And in Acts 4:12 There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Lord, we lift this dear one to You who feels strung along, weary, broken and hopeless. Lord, You see the hotel room and the coming renovations and the storage that must be moved, You see the car that needs inspection and emissions and registration and tires and alignment, You see the Lyft rides that cost seventy dollars a day and the two hour waits, You see the work clothes that must be bought, the little food and the weight loss, the four hundred dollars left until payday, the panic attacks and the sleep apnea, the loneliness and the feeling of not fitting anywhere. Father, wrap Your arms around this child of Yours and let them feel that You are near. Rebuke the spirit of despair and the lie that they are worthless or a burden. Speak Your truth that they are fearfully and wonderfully made and deeply loved. Provide daily bread, Lord, open doors for food assistance, for transportation, for help with the DMV requirements, for favor at work and with the hotel management, and for a church family that will see and respond. Heal the wounds from childhood, the spiteful punishments and the perverse hurts done behind closed doors that still echo today. Heal the body from panic and exhaustion and broken sleep. Give wisdom for each next step, one day at a time, and give supernatural peace that passes understanding. Keep them safe from harming themselves, Lord, place Your hand upon them and send people to stand with them in person. We ask that You will supply every need and restore hope and joy, in Jesus' name, Amen.

We urge you, please do not stay alone with these thoughts of ending your life. The weight you feel is real, but you do not have to carry it alone. Please reach out right now to someone you trust, to your friend if you can, to a pastor or counselor, to a doctor for the panic attacks and sleep apnea, and if you feel you may act on these thoughts please call or text 988 in the United States or go to your nearest emergency department, or if outside the United States please contact your local crisis helpline or emergency services. If you can, tell someone today I am having thoughts of not wanting to live and I need help.

We also encourage you with small practical steps as God gives strength. Please consider contacting local community resources for food pantries and transportation assistance, often through county social services or 211, and ask the hotel manager in writing about the renovation schedule and if help with moving items to storage can be arranged, and ask your employer if there are resources for required work clothing or an advance or assistance program. We know your church has not responded three times, but please try again with one person directly, a pastor or deacon, and share plainly that you are struggling to eat and to get to work and are feeling hopeless and need pastoral care. You are not demanding too much by asking for help, the body of Christ is called to bear one another's burdens in Galatians 6:2.

You said you have been hanging on for fifteen years trying to keep the faith that things will turn around. In Galatians 6:9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don't give up. In Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run, and not be weary. They will walk, and not faint. Waiting on the Lord is not being strung along, it is being held, even when we cannot feel it.

We will continue to pray for you, that God will show you His love is different from the love you were shown growing up, that He is not spiteful, that He does not keep a record of your mistakes to shame you, and that He has not abandoned you. You do fit in His family, and you are not forgotten. Please let us keep praying for you and please let someone near you know how heavy this has become so you are not carrying it alone.

 

[hostadmin]

We are so grateful you reached out and we are deeply concerned for you. If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You are not alone and trained people are ready to help right now.

We hear how heavy everything feels right now. The car repairs and inspections, the Lyft costs and long waits to get to work, the hotel renovations and having to move your things, running low on money and food, and feeling like you are a burden to your friend and to others. And underneath that, the painful history with your family and the sense that you are being punished or that you do not fit anywhere. It makes sense that you feel weary, overwhelmed, and that panic and dread are rising.

You mentioned thoughts of ending your life and hoping to succumb to sleep apnea. Please reach out right now to someone you trust and to one of the helplines above before you act on those thoughts. If you can, let your friend, a pastor, or a counselor know you are feeling this way today so you are not carrying this alone.

With the weight loss, panic attacks, and sleep apnea you mentioned, please also see a medical professional soon alongside prayer, not instead of it.

Father, we lift our friend to You right now. You see every detail and every hurt they have carried for so long. Please surround them with Your presence, protect them, and bring caring help close today. Give them wisdom for the next step and strength to keep reaching out. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Violetblue]

Praying for you and your situation. Please know you are not alone in the way you feel and in your struggles. I completely understand the difficulties of what seems like one thing after another - where nothing ever seems to go right. Uplifting you and supporting you in prayer, my friend - In the name of Jesus.

 

[Jonathan_M]

I prayed for this request in Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your words have been read with great heaviness of heart and with prayer before the Lord who hears the cries of the afflicted. The weight you describe is very real, the car and the hotel and the work and the daily cost of simply getting from one place to another, the hunger and the weariness and the sense of being a burden to others, and the deeper wounds carried from childhood when punishment was spiteful and love felt withheld. None of this is light, and it is right to bring it honestly before God, for He desires truth in the inward parts and will not parley with a superficial or unreal religion.

You ask why God is doing this to you, and whether He treats you as your parents treated you, with a spiteful punishment that can never be satisfied. Hear this plainly, God is not like man. An earthly father may be harsh and exacting, but your heavenly Father is not so. The first overtures for peace are not made by man the offender, but by our aggrieved and offended God, who has reconciled us to Himself by Jesus Christ. Reconciliation is never achieved by man, but is the work of God from first to last. You do not have to prove that you deserve to be forgiven. Salvation is not of blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God, and of God alone. If you feel you have no fitness for receiving His grace, that broken cry, Oh what a wretch I am, is the very place where honest dealing with God begins. According to your ideas you may feel as a poor innocent whom God delays to bless, but the truth is we all need mercy, and mercy is freely given through the blood of His dear Son.

You speak of despair, that hope is lost, that there is only one way out and that it would be better to succumb and to end your life by your own hand rather than be a burden. I must speak to you with the plainness of Scripture about this, because your life is precious to God. Despair says our hope is lost, but God is the sinner's hope and He is not lost, so the word of despair goes beyond the truth of God. Scripture calls Him the God of Hope, and those who are without hope are also without God. Despair is a crime against the truth of God and a high offense against the Lord of Love. It tramples on the blood of Christ, for it believes the lie of hell and rejects the Word of God from heaven, preferring to believe that sin and sorrow are stronger than the cross. How many have been driven by despair to the knife and to the halter or to a watery grave. Do not let that be your portion. Despair is a form of willful self destruction, and it is not the will of God for you.

The Lord Jesus says, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. There is a yoke to be borne and a burden to be carried for Christ, but His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Indeed to those who know Him, His yoke becomes as wings and His burden as feathers by which the soul mounts above ordinary trials. You must first be rid of that crushing burden of guilt and self condemnation, for no man can carry the double burden of his own guilt and the service of God. That old toilsome labor must be done with, and it is done by looking to Christ the Priest whom God has confirmed with an oath. The priesthood of Aaron was imperfect and passed from hand to hand, but Christ's priesthood is perpetual, confirmed by the oath of God that He might save unto the uttermost them that come unto God by Him. By two immutable things in which it was impossible for God to lie, He has given strong consolation to those who flee for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us. Cast your soul upon that real priesthood by true faith.

You also write that you feel you are loitering and not living, that you are junk rusted beyond repair. God does not see you so. He delights to use poor feeble things to confound the pride of the adversary. He uses the mouths of babes and the foolishness of preaching to overthrow the craft of Satan. He says to the haughty prince of darkness, It is by these weak ones that I will anger you and overthrow your dominion. Your weakness does not disqualify you from His grace, it is the very reason to look to His strength.

There is a truth you must hold together. Every man shall bear his own burden, the burden of personal self examination, of caring for his own soul, of witnessing for Christ, of natural depravity which we each must own before God. And yet also, Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. You have not violated the spirit of that text by needing help, but do not thrust all upon one friend alone, and do not refuse all help as if you must bear everything alone. You have a burden to yourself, but you have also got God to yourself, think of that. And God often bears our burdens through His people. Though your church has seemed silent after three requests, and your family will not help, do not conclude that all help is denied. Go again, and go to another faithful pastor or elder, and tell them plainly of your practical needs for food and transport and of your panic and despair and thoughts of ending your life. If you have a doctor or counselor, tell them also of the panic attacks and the sense of doom and the sleep apnea, for these afflictions need care. If you are in immediate danger of harming yourself, do not stay alone in your room, go at once to a trusted person near you, or call for help, in the United States you may call or text ###, or go to your nearest emergency department. Hiding in the restroom or getting into bed may give a moment's cover, but you need living help beside you.

Do not measure God's care by a drawing in which you entered ### times and won nothing. The Lord's goodness is not in lots and chances. England amidst commotions is held fast because prayer is put up incessantly by the faithful, not because fortune favours some. Your prayers are not unanswered because you are not loved. Genuine consecration begins with communion with God. Abram fell on his face and God talked with him. So do you, alone with God, tell Him your ways as the Psalmist did, I have declared my ways and thou heardest me, teach me thy statutes. Confess sin by its right name where conscience accuses, and confess also your sorrow and your need, not in endless detail to impress Him, but honestly as to the great High Priest who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities and cannot be defiled by listening to our tale.

You fear that you must always prove something to be forgiven, as you had to do as a child. With God it is opposite. Being justified by faith and having peace with God, a man then walks before God in holiness, not to earn peace but because peace has been given. Walk before me, God said to Abraham, which is an habitual sense of the presence of God, doing the right thing and shunning the wrong out of respect to His will. You need not stagger under the thought that every dollar earned in retirement is double jeopardy or that every mistake has made you irreparable. The blood of Christ has not lost its power, and the God who opens graves in the valley of dry bones can open your grave also. When He saves a man, that man begins to dance for very joy of heart because he is fully forgiven, and then he knows Jehovah is God.

Therefore do not cut and run, and do not let fate have its way. Fate has no way, Christ has the way. We are either enemies of God by nature, or we are reconciled to God by the death of His Son. There is no middle ground. I beseech you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ who bore the curse of the law for us, for as long as we are under the law its burden will crush us, but Christ has borne it.

Take these steps before the Lord today. Tell God honestly that you are without strength and without hope in yourself, and ask Him for mercy through Christ alone. Tell one living person near you of your thoughts of ending your life and of your immediate practical needs, and do not delay. Ask your pastor or another faithful minister to sit with you and to help you seek food assistance, community transport, and care for your health. Keep your work as you are able, but seek counsel about the car and the hotel move, asking for practical help from more than one source so that no single friend bears all.

May the Lord who hears the cry of babes and sucklings hear your cry, and may He show you that you are not a burden to Him, but a soul for whom Christ died, and may He give you grace to bear your own burden in His strength while He teaches others to help bear yours.

 

[The Encourager]

May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!

Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.

God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net

Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body

Healed Spirit Soul And Body

be-an-encourager.blogspot.com

 

[usha rani]

Praying in Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[Chrysostom]

Your words have been heard, and the heaviness you are carrying is not hidden from God. Thank you for writing so honestly about the car, the hotel, the work clothes, the Lyft costs, the hunger and weight loss, the panic attacks, the exhaustion, and the deep sense that you are a burden. None of that makes you worthless or forgotten, even when it feels that way.

What you described from childhood, being punished spitefully, being made to feel guilty for needing care, being told you were a burden and being hurt behind closed doors, leaves wounds that stay for a long time. It is understandable that you would now hear that same voice when hard things pile up and think God is treating you the same way your parents did. He is not. God is not like a harsh parent who keeps a record of every small mistake and makes you prove you deserve love. Scripture shows He is gracious and kind, and He saves not because we have earned it by works but because of His mercy. When we turn to Him, He does not reproach us with the past or say why were you gone so long. He remembers the return, not the failures, and He does not require you to prove you are worthy to be forgiven. In Christ forgiveness is given freely, and you do not have to earn your place with Him.

You asked why God is doing this to you and whether you are being punished spitefully. The Bible teaches that God does not delight in punishing. When He allows correction it is like a physician using a painful treatment to heal, and even then He grieves over the pain it causes. He does not punish spitefully. At the same time, not every hardship is a punishment. This world is not our final home, and even faithful people like Job and Paul lived through long seasons of affliction, tears, and daily pressure. Their suffering was not a sign that God had rejected them, but a trial that refined them like gold in fire and deepened their hope in Him. God sometimes allows hard seasons and sometimes lifts them, so that we do not think He is absent and so that we also look forward to His final justice and mercy. The fact that others seem to be loved and to come out better does not mean you are loved less. It also does not mean that winning or losing a drawing shows who God favors. His care for you is not measured by money, by a car passing inspection, or by whether a hotel room is disrupted.

It is also not true that you are a burden to God or that the best way to help others is to disappear. You are made in His image and you are deeply valued. The feeling of being a burden comes from what was spoken over you for years, not from what God says about you. He invites those who are weary and heavy laden to come to Him for rest, not to hide or to end their lives.

You mentioned feeling that there is only one way out and hoping to succumb to sleep apnea, and that you need to end it your way. Those thoughts are a sign of how much pain you are in, and they deserve immediate care and support. Please do not stay alone with these thoughts. If you feel you might act on them, please reach out right now to someone near you and to a crisis helper. In the United States you can call or text 988 any time to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741. If you can, go to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, counselor, doctor, or emergency department, or call 911 if you need immediate help. Your friend who is helping with the car, a doctor for the sleep apnea and panic attacks, and a counselor or pastor can be part of that support. You do not have to figure everything out tonight, but please let another person know you are having these thoughts today.

For the practical pressures you named, please consider reaching out again for help even though your church did not respond before and your family has not helped. Try calling 211 or a local social services office for food pantries, transportation assistance, and emergency aid, and ask your medical provider or employer about resources for work clothing and health care. Bring someone with you to ask for help so you are not carrying it alone. Keeping a simple list of the most urgent needs for this week, food, safe sleep, getting to work, and the car papers, and asking one trusted person to help you think through one step at a time can make the pile feel less overwhelming than facing it all at once.

You also mentioned the phrase according to His will and feeling that some prayers cannot be answered. God's will is not spiteful or arbitrary. He wills what is good and loving, and He hears every prayer, even when the answer is not what we hoped or as fast as we need. Waiting does not mean you are beyond help or that you have made too many mistakes to be restored. Even when we have staggered, strayed, or tried to cope in harmful ways, returning to Him is met with mercy, not with a demand to prove ourselves again.

You are not junk, and you are not beyond repair. God sees you as someone worth redeeming and He can form something new even from what feels rusted and broken. That does not mean the pain will vanish quickly, but it does mean there is reason to keep living and to keep seeking help.

I am praying for you now, that God will give you protection through this night, relief from panic, provision for food and shelter and work, wisdom for each next step with the car and housing, and people near you who will show His kindness in practical ways. I pray He will quiet the old voices of guilt and shame and help you hear His voice that says you are loved, you are not a burden, and your life has value in Christ.

Please reach out today to a crisis line at 988, to your friend, to a doctor or counselor, and to a pastor or another church if your own church will not respond. If you have a way to let someone know where you are and that you need support tonight, please do that now. You do not have to face this bottomless pit alone, and help is closer than it feels in this moment.

If you can, let someone know you read this and what you will do next to stay safe.