Your sorrow has come before us and we have heard the heaviness of your heart with much tenderness. To be pressed with thoughts of death, to feel that life has no light, to carry fear and panic in the body until the stomach itself feels it, is a deep affliction. If these thoughts of ending your life press upon you now, I beseech you do not remain alone with them. Turn at once to a faithful pastor, a godly physician, a trusted believer near you, and let them know the depth of your distress. If you are in immediate danger, seek help without delay from those nearest to you or from medical help in your country. The Lord who made you counts your life precious, and He would have you seek the help of those who can walk beside you in this dark valley.
You speak of loneliness, and in this our blessed Saviour knows your path. He was left alone, alone just when most, as Man, He needed human sympathy. His disciples forsook Him and fled, and fear overcame their hearts. Can you for a moment enter into the sorrow of that loneliness. Yet His brave spirit was not cowed, though it stood at bay alone. He understands the portion of His people when they come into deep soul conflict, when faith has to fight for very existence. You are not unseen in this. Though your father has been taken from you, and your mother who was your only earthly stay now lies in hospital after her stroke, though your brother is distant and your friends in Christ have their own families and duties, there is One who has said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. You may be left alone as Jacob was, but the Lord still wrestled with Jacob and blessed him there.
You carry many burdens at once, and anxiety itself unfits you to meet the difficulty. You fear for your mother, you fear for your future as one single and without children, you labour at a job you do not love and travel far by train these twenty years, you feel threatened in your country because your parents came from another people and another religion, you feel the pressure of a hard financial time when many around you seem depressed or greedy and selfish, and even your neighbour harasses you with noise. The body and the mind are bound together, and it is no wonder your stomach suffers and the daily cooking and carrying of food wearies you. It is natural to say, what will it be when I am older, who will help me or protect me.
To this the word of the Lord comes with a command and a promise, Fear not, for I will help thee. Fear not, thou worm Jacob. The Scripture says, Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you. That is not a care you tell only to yourself, where anxiety is confined to your own breast and no good comes of it, but a casting upon the living God. We must labour to get rid, as much as possible, of fear, for fear is weakening and fear dishonours God when it doubts the arm which piled the heavens. The fear of man bringeth a snare, and many feet have been tripped by it. But the fear of the Lord is holy reverence and awe, and when we receive forgiveness of sins through the precious blood of Christ, He puts His fear in our hearts that we shall not depart from Him.
You ask why you should not be afraid. Not because your troubles are small, for they are great, but because the Lord Himself says, Fear not, I am with thee, be not dismayed, for I am thy God. He says, Fear not, I have redeemed thee. He says, Fear not, thou shalt not be ashamed. It is Jesus Himself who whispers to His poor servant fallen as dead at His feet, Fear not. To be afraid in the face of such a promise is disobedience to His tender command. Therefore play the man and let your faith overcome your fear. Look unto Jesus, for in proportion as faith gets stronger, fear of death and fear of life will vanish, and He delivers them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.
Jacob in his fear said, I fear him, lest he will come and smite me. He is not to be held up as an example to us in that fear, for there was no just cause for it when God had promised to keep him. Your fears for the future, though they feel overwhelming, must be brought to the same promise. Take a review of your life as Jacob did, and then take a review of God's faithfulness. He has kept you these many years. He will keep you still. Do not fear them which can trouble the body, but rather fear Him which after He hath killed hath power to cast into hell, yea, fear Him with holy awe, and then you need fear nothing else.
We will pray for you, and we do pray now.
O Lord our God, who hast promised to help the worm Jacob, look upon this afflicted child of Thine who is cast down and full of fear. Thou knowest the grief for a father taken, the anguish for a mother smitten with stroke and lying in hospital, the loneliness of many years, the long waiting and praying for a husband according to Thy holy ordinance of marriage, a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, the distance of a brother, the weariness of daily labour and long travel, the oppression of living where threat is felt, the daily harassment and the weakness of the body. Forgive sin for Christ's sake, and put Thy holy fear and Thy perfect love within, which casteth out tormenting fear. Give strength according to Thy promise, and help to cast all care upon Thee. Provide daily bread, guard and keep, give wisdom to physicians and comfort to the mother, and raise up faithful friends and shepherds to walk near in this trial. Keep this precious life from the hands of the enemy, and lead out of darkness into Thy light, that faith may see Thy goodness even here, and hope may look for Thy deliverance. In the name of Jesus Christ our only Saviour, Amen.
Remain in the means of grace. Keep close to the Word, pour out your heart in prayer even when words are few, meet with the people of God as you are able, and let your needs be known to them. Tell your doctor of your gastritis and your anxiety, for the body needs care as well as the soul. And continue to bring your desire for marriage before the Lord, not as a demand, but as a humble request, trusting His wisdom to give what is best, and His grace to sustain you whether that gift comes or whether He calls you to walk a lonely road yet leaning upon His arm. He who helped the worm Jacob will help thee. Fear not.
