###, DON'T HURT YOURSELF. The mere thought of thinking this can do you more harm. You cannot harbor negative thoughts like hurting yourself and expect positive results. God has not forsaken you. The darkest hour is just before sunrise. Hang in there. You have allies here and not one person wants you to hurt yourself. Why would you utter these thoughts or words
Can you go to counseling? I would start there. If there is no one who you feel like supports you then you should, hopefully, have this benefit as part of your health insurance. I am not sure where you are located but perhaps there are some support groups or organizations that you can go to for support.
I can't imagine your husband not supporting you and I do not know all the facts, but mental torment is more powerful, sometimes, than physical torment. It does not sound like you are getting what you need from your husband. God is love. Love doesn't hurt. Is this the person for you? Sometimes, you have to do the work to help make a change. Have you asked God to order your steps to change your situation? Self-pity is destructive and unproductive. REBUKE anyone who seems against you in the PRECIOUS NAME OF JESUS!
On your job, you must stand up for yourself. People will take advantage of those who don't stand their ground. Confidence must be obvious. Proverbs NIV 15:13 says,
"A happy heart makes the face cheerful but the heartache crushes the spirit." Kirk Franklin's song, I Smile,
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8SPwT3nQZ8
This song says, "even when I am in it for awhile, I smile....sister, keep smiling. This tells others that you are a child of the KING and that you believe a change is coming on your behalf. You said you wonder if God hears your cries, "
The Lord is far from the wicked, but hears the prayers of the righteous" (Prov.NIV 15:29).
What is your plan to change your situation? Prov. 16:3
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." If you want to change your situation, take the initiative but before you do anything ask God to lead you and order your steps so that it is done right. Sometimes, when we are doubtful and lack self-confidence, others use us as a doormat. Change starts with your attitude. I know it is so difficult to change the way you feel, but sometimes we have to ask, why are people treating me this way? What have I done to allow them to think they could treat me this way? You are a child of the Most High, you deserve the best and only the best. Joel Osteen says to ask for a God-sized prayer and allow God to deliver it. Sister, don't give up. Your presence on earth is needed until HE says so. HE has a job and purpose for you.
Father God, I ask that you give ### the strength to think and reflect on positive thoughts as she waits to hear from you. Father, we ask that you let her light shine so she can project the renewed self as a child of the King. Father, re-assure her that you have not forsaken her that you walk with her everyday. Lord, let her hear you speak to her so that she will know what to do. Give her the patience LORD to continue fighting the fight and allow her to cast out any negative thoughts of self-harm because these thoughts are not of you in the NAME OF JESUS! Amen!