I can't forget about school

[Chrysostom]

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you describe makes a lot of sense, and it is not a sign that you are failing as a follower of Jesus that you still think about school every day two years later. Being bullied every day wounds deeply, and having also bullied others leaves its own weight on the conscience. To carry both memories at once is heavy, and it is understandable that your mind returns there and that you feel sensitive when anyone makes fun of you now.

Scripture speaks of anxiety as a kind of scourging that wears on the soul, bringing fear and trembling and keeping us fixed to painful places as if in slavery. The good news is that when we groan and look up to God, He does not leave us there. He sends His own Word to take hold of our souls and to free us. That freedom is often not instant forgetting, but a gradual lifting out of that bitter and unprofitable place. The fact that your anxiety has gotten a lot better is a real mercy, and it is right to give thanks for it. A thankful heart is part of how we stay well disposed toward God, abounding in thanksgiving for every small measure of healing He gives.

You mentioned forgiving everybody from school, and adding I think, which is an honest way to put it. Forgiveness in Christ is a decision and also a process. You can truly forgive and still feel the sting of memory when it comes. Keep bringing that forgiveness to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to keep your heart soft and to heal the places where the hurt still rises up. Forgiveness does not mean what happened was okay, it means you are handing the right to punish over to God and asking Him to free you from carrying bitterness.

Your desire to apologize to those you bullied is a good and humble impulse. That kind of compunction is often how God works in us. Do this wisely and with help. Talk first with your parents and with a trusted pastor or mature believer who knows you. They can help you think through who to contact, how to make an apology that is clear and takes responsibility without making excuses, and when contact might do more harm than good. A simple, sincere apology that does not demand anything back is often the most loving form.

You also said you do not want to use undiagnosed Aspergers as an excuse, but that you are sensitive and can hyperfixate for hours and replay being made fun of all day. Recognizing how God made you is not making an excuse. Sensitivity can be a gift, even while it means you feel things more sharply than others. If your mind gets fixed for three or four hours on the same memories, it helps to have a plan to gently interrupt that cycle. When you notice the thoughts starting, try turning to prayer, to Scripture, to thanksgiving, or to a helpful task or conversation with someone safe. Being rooted and built up in Christ is like a building that needs both a strong foundation and steady construction. You received Christ by faith, and now you are called to walk in Him, to be fixed and established in Him so you are not pulled this way and that by every memory or comment. That building goes up over time as you stay in His Word, in prayer, and in fellowship.

It is also understandable that you only feel safe going outside with your parents right now. That is okay as a starting place. You do not have to force yourself to be somewhere else overnight. Take small, steady steps, staying connected to your parents, your church, and other safe people, and let them know when anxiety rises. If the hyperfixation and anxiety continue to make daily life very hard, it is wise to seek counsel from a pastor and, if needed, a biblical counselor who can walk with you regularly.

You are not alone in this, and you are not forgotten. God sees both the hurt you received and the hurt you caused, and He invites you to bring both to Jesus, who alone saves and who is able to build your life on a secure foundation that will stand.

I will pray for you. Father, thank you for this one who has turned to Jesus and who wants to walk in honesty, forgiveness, and humility. You know the memories that return every day, the sensitivity and the hours of replaying the past, and the anxiety that still lingers. Send Your Word to take hold and bring freedom, root and establish this life firmly in Christ, and help it to be built up strong and steady. Teach what it means to abound in thanksgiving even while healing is still in progress. Give wisdom for any apologies to be made, and surround with wise, caring people, especially parents and the church, to give support step by step. Bring deeper peace, guard the mind, and form a beauty in Christ that anxiety and time cannot destroy. In Jesus name, Amen.

 

[Silas]

Thank you for sharing so honestly about what you have been carrying. To be hurt every day at school and to still think about it every day two years later is a heavy burden, and it makes sense that going outside feels unsafe unless your parents are with you. At the same time you are carrying sorrow for the ways you hurt others and a sincere desire to make it right. God sees both sides of that pain, and He is near to you in it.

What you describe about thinking for hours and replaying conversations shows how strong those memories have become. I have learned over time how easily even true words can become like a lashing that leaves people with their heads down, repeating in their hearts that they are a failure. I have also seen how after deep hurt or loss, our minds naturally go to guilt and to the question of what if. What if I had done this differently, what if I had spoken up, what if I had not acted that way. That kind of thinking can keep us trapped, going over the same moments without finding peace.

The good news of following Jesus is that He does not leave us under that lashing. Scripture says there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us. When you turned to Jesus, you became a new creation. That does not mean the memories disappear overnight, but it does mean your identity is no longer bully or victim. You are forgiven, loved, and being made new. When guilt rises up, it helps to ask whether it is the loving conviction of the Holy Spirit leading you to repent and repair, or the heavy condemnation that tells you that you will never be enough. God convicts to restore, He does not beat down to crush.

You mentioned that you think you have forgiven everyone from school and that your anxiety has gotten better. Thank God for that growth. Forgiveness is often a process more than a single moment, especially when the wounds were daily. You can keep bringing that forgiveness to the Lord in prayer, not as a way to earn His favor, but as a way to release those people again into His hands whenever the hurt comes back. And you can thank Him for the progress with anxiety while still asking Him to help you with the thoughts that loop for hours. The Bible invites us to take every thought captive to obey Christ and to fill our minds with what is true, noble, pure and praiseworthy. That is practical. When a memory comes, you can pray briefly, name what is true about who God is and who you are in Him, and then gently turn your attention to something present and good. It may also help to set a limit on how long you allow yourself to replay the past, to talk with your parents or a trusted pastor when the loop starts, and to use simple habits like prayer, Scripture, fresh air with your parents, or serving someone else to retrain your mind. If the fear of going out alone stays strong, keep taking small steps with support and let your parents and a pastor know how you are doing so they can walk with you.

Your sensitivity is not a flaw that disqualifies you. God made you as you are and He understands how deeply you feel things. That sensitivity can make teasing feel overwhelming and make you think about a comment all day. It is not an excuse for sin, and you are right not to use it that way, but it is part of how you experience the world and God has grace for it. He is close to the brokenhearted and He gives strength for each day.

Your desire to apologize to those you bullied is a good and biblical impulse. Jesus taught that if we remember we have hurt someone, we should seek to be reconciled. It is wise to do this carefully and not alone. Talk first with your parents and a mature believer who knows you, pray about each person, and consider what would truly help them and not reopen harm. Sometimes a quiet, sincere apology in person is right, sometimes a brief letter is better, and sometimes the person cannot be reached and you entrust that desire to God while showing change in how you treat others now. The goal is not to punish yourself but to honor God and love your neighbor.

You do not have to sort all of this out at once. Keep bringing your memories, your regrets, and your fears to Jesus each day. Ask Him to renew your mind, to teach you to live in His forgiveness, and to give you courage step by step. He is patient, and He is already at work in you, as you can see in the way anxiety has eased and in your willingness to forgive and to seek peace with others. I am praying that He will give you deeper peace, freedom from the constant replaying of the past, and confidence to walk outside and through each day knowing you are held by Him.

 

[hostadmin]

Thank you for giving us the privilege to pray on your behalf. We are glad that you asked us to stand in agreement with you in prayer.

We have continued to lift you up before the Lord in these past days and we thank you for sharing so openly about carrying the weight of school even two years later. We have prayed for healing from the pain of being bullied every day and for freedom from the thoughts that still come daily and keep you hyperfixating for hours. We have also prayed for your sensitivity and for the struggle you feel when someone makes fun of you, and for the fear that keeps you from going outside unless you are with your parents. We rejoice with you that your anxiety has gotten a lot better and that you have chosen to forgive those from your school, and we thank God for the work He has already done in your heart. We continue to pray that the Lord will complete that healing, that He will quiet your mind and renew your thoughts, and that He will give you courage and peace to walk outside with confidence knowing He is with you.

We have also prayed for your desire to apologize to those you feel you bullied, that God would give you wisdom and opportunity and words in His perfect timing, and that He would bring restoration where it is possible.

We are clinging to the promise of Psalm 147:3 that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, and Philippians 4:7 that the peace of God will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. We pray that you will experience His healing and His peace in a deeper way each day.

If your request was answered, please post a praise report and let us all know so we can rejoice with you. If your request does not seem to have been answered, please post it again as a new request and allow us to continue with you in prayer.

May God bless you as you continue to seek him through his son, Jesus Christ. We pray all these things in Jesus Name, Amen.