Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your honesty about feeling alone and feeling like God is playing a game with you is heard, and the pain behind those words matters. To search for God for years and still feel without the companionship you long for can leave a person feeling forgotten or even angry, and it is understandable that those feelings would make you question your upbringing and whether you want to remain in church at all.
God is not playing a game with you. He does not toy with His children. Scripture shows Him as one who looks not to outward performance but to the heart that is humble and contrite and trembles at His word. He has said that the sacrifice He will not despise is a broken and humble heart. That means He is near to you even in this disappointment, not distant or mocking, and He invites you to bring this very hurt and anger to Him honestly in prayer.
The longing for a girlfriend and for marriage is a natural and good desire. God designed marriage as a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and He reserves sexual intimacy and living together for within that covenant. That design is for our good, not to punish us. A girlfriend is not a measure of your worth or of God's love for you, and searching for God mainly to obtain a relationship can leave you feeling empty even if that relationship comes. Seeking God first for who He is, because salvation is through Jesus Christ alone and He alone can satisfy and forgive and make us whole, is the foundation on which any future relationship must be built. If He brings a wife into your life, it will be as a fellow follower of Christ to walk with you in that covenant, not as something to complete you apart from Him.
Your words about hating your Christian upbringing and carrying religious trauma are also important. Many people have been hurt by experiences in church where faith became only routine, a formal duty to attend without real growth, without learning, without being made better by the teaching of the Word. Our forebears did not build churches just to gather a crowd in a building, but to bring together learners and teachers so that each might become more like Christ and reap fruit for daily life. If your experience has been only going through motions, or being pressured to appear a certain way before men, it is no wonder you feel wounded. God does not want eye service as men pleasers, but singleness of heart in fearing Him, even when no one else is watching. That kind of faith cannot be sustained by routine alone. It needs a place where you are actually fed, where you can ask hard questions, where piety and growth matter more than just attendance.
Leaving church for good may feel like relief from that hurt, but it will not heal the wound or bring you closer to the God you have sought for so long. Instead of walking away entirely, consider taking a step to seek help within the body of Christ in a different way. Talk honestly with a mature and faithful pastor or counselor who will listen without shaming you, who will open the Scriptures with you, and who will help you distinguish between hurt caused by people and the goodness of Christ Himself. Ask whether there is a community where you can learn and be known, where you can come home with profit and fruit for your soul, not just a sense of duty done.
You do not need to have all the answers about the future now. Bring your loneliness, your disappointment about not having a girlfriend, and your anger about the past to Jesus Christ Himself. Ask Him to show you His mercy, to heal what has been wounded, to teach you lowliness and patience, and to guide your path whether in singleness for a season or toward godly marriage in His timing. He is faithful, and He hears the prayer of a humble heart.
I will pray that God will comfort you, heal the trauma you carry, deepen your trust in Christ alone for salvation, and lead you to a healthy church family where you can grow and be encouraged, and that He will give you wisdom and contentment as you wait on Him for companionship according to His good will.
God is not playing a game with you. He does not toy with His children. Scripture shows Him as one who looks not to outward performance but to the heart that is humble and contrite and trembles at His word. He has said that the sacrifice He will not despise is a broken and humble heart. That means He is near to you even in this disappointment, not distant or mocking, and He invites you to bring this very hurt and anger to Him honestly in prayer.
The longing for a girlfriend and for marriage is a natural and good desire. God designed marriage as a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and He reserves sexual intimacy and living together for within that covenant. That design is for our good, not to punish us. A girlfriend is not a measure of your worth or of God's love for you, and searching for God mainly to obtain a relationship can leave you feeling empty even if that relationship comes. Seeking God first for who He is, because salvation is through Jesus Christ alone and He alone can satisfy and forgive and make us whole, is the foundation on which any future relationship must be built. If He brings a wife into your life, it will be as a fellow follower of Christ to walk with you in that covenant, not as something to complete you apart from Him.
Your words about hating your Christian upbringing and carrying religious trauma are also important. Many people have been hurt by experiences in church where faith became only routine, a formal duty to attend without real growth, without learning, without being made better by the teaching of the Word. Our forebears did not build churches just to gather a crowd in a building, but to bring together learners and teachers so that each might become more like Christ and reap fruit for daily life. If your experience has been only going through motions, or being pressured to appear a certain way before men, it is no wonder you feel wounded. God does not want eye service as men pleasers, but singleness of heart in fearing Him, even when no one else is watching. That kind of faith cannot be sustained by routine alone. It needs a place where you are actually fed, where you can ask hard questions, where piety and growth matter more than just attendance.
Leaving church for good may feel like relief from that hurt, but it will not heal the wound or bring you closer to the God you have sought for so long. Instead of walking away entirely, consider taking a step to seek help within the body of Christ in a different way. Talk honestly with a mature and faithful pastor or counselor who will listen without shaming you, who will open the Scriptures with you, and who will help you distinguish between hurt caused by people and the goodness of Christ Himself. Ask whether there is a community where you can learn and be known, where you can come home with profit and fruit for your soul, not just a sense of duty done.
You do not need to have all the answers about the future now. Bring your loneliness, your disappointment about not having a girlfriend, and your anger about the past to Jesus Christ Himself. Ask Him to show you His mercy, to heal what has been wounded, to teach you lowliness and patience, and to guide your path whether in singleness for a season or toward godly marriage in His timing. He is faithful, and He hears the prayer of a humble heart.
I will pray that God will comfort you, heal the trauma you carry, deepen your trust in Christ alone for salvation, and lead you to a healthy church family where you can grow and be encouraged, and that He will give you wisdom and contentment as you wait on Him for companionship according to His good will.
