Your honest cry has been heard, and I have been praying for you. Feeling overwhelmed, unable to think clearly, weighed down in body and mind, and feeling under heavy spiritual attack is a very distressing place to be. You are not alone in this struggle, and the Lord sees your longing to be free, to be healed, to love His Word, and to know His presence.
The Bible shows us that the spiritual realm is real. There are evil spirits who oppose God and seek to harass and torment people, and their power to cause pain and confusion can feel very great. Yet Scripture also shows that Jesus Christ has complete authority over that realm. When He walked on earth He cast out evil spirits with a word and they obeyed Him, He healed sickness and infirmity, and He calmed the wind and waves. Those who belong to Him are sealed and kept by Him. You do not have to fight this battle in your own strength in the physical arena. The strength God has given us is in prayer and in staying close to Jesus, because He alone commands those powers and limits what they can do.
You asked for complete healing from the top of your head to your feet, for physical, mental and spiritual healing. The prophet Isaiah said that the Messiah would bear our griefs and carry our sorrows, and the word there can mean sicknesses and infirmities. Matthew, writing by the Holy Spirit, applied that prophecy to the physical healings Jesus did when He healed Peter's mother in law and many others who were sick and oppressed. When Jesus gave the bread at the table and said this is my body broken for you, He was pointing to that same work that covers both sin and sickness. So it is right to bring your body and your mind to Him and ask for healing.
At the same time Scripture keeps us from thinking that God must heal every sickness instantly in this life if we ask with enough intensity. The apostle Paul prayed three times for the Lord to remove what he called a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan that buffeted him, and the Lord did not remove it but answered that His grace was sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness. There is mystery here that I do not fully understand, why some are healed quickly, why some are healed gradually as with the blind man Jesus touched a second time, and why some are healed through the natural processes God has built into our bodies which are no less from Him, and why some find the deepest healing first in their heart and mind while they still wait for bodily relief. Believe strongly that God does heal, and keep asking Him, while also trusting His wisdom and timing to do what is best for your eternal good.
There is a close connection between the health of your soul and the health of your body. One of the apostles wrote to a friend that he wished him to prosper and be in good health even as his soul prospered, not as a blanket promise that every believer will be perfectly healthy, but as a loving wish that shows the link. A joyful heart does good like medicine, and anxiety and heaviness can wear the body down. That is why feeding the inner person matters so much. You mentioned wanting to love sermons and the Bible and to be able to concentrate and hear from God. The spiritual person grows strong the same way the physical person does, by regular nourishment. The physical person is fed every day without fail, while the spiritual person is often neglected and then feels weak. Daily time in the Scripture, even in small portions with prayer for understanding, listening to faithful Bible teaching, and prayer itself, are the food of the inner life. At times fasting and prayer can help quiet the demands of the body so the spirit can be strengthened and you can hear the Lord more clearly through His Word. God speaks most clearly through what He has already said in the Bible, and as you stay there, concentration and love for it will grow.
You said you hate your sin and want to be free from it. That hatred of sin is itself a sign of the Spirit's work. Freedom does not come by trying harder in your own power, but by confessing sin honestly to Jesus, turning from it, and trusting that He bore that sin on the cross to set you free. He does not leave His children in bondage. Walk in the light with Him day by day, and when you fall, return quickly to Him for cleansing and strength to walk a new way.
You also shared how hard it is to believe Jesus loves you because you are not married and do not have children, and how deeply you desire children and healing and restoration. Your worth and His love for you are not measured by whether you are married or have children. His love is shown and secured at the cross, where He gave Himself for you while you were still a sinner. That love does not rise and fall with your circumstances. The desire for marriage and children is a good desire, and God created marriage as a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman, and He designed children as a gift within that covenant where sexual union belongs. If that is your longing, bring it to Him as a request for a godly marriage according to His will first, and then for children within it, and trust Him with the outcome and the timing. Do not seek to fulfill that good desire outside of His design, but keep yourself pure before Him and ask Him to guide you and provide.
You also asked for work, for a full time job and provision to buy Christian books and other needs, and for restoration spiritually. God cares about these practical needs. It is right to ask Him for daily work and provision, and to be diligent in seeking work while trusting Him to open the door He wants for you.
Let me pray for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ I bring this dear one before Your throne of grace. You see the heaviness, the confusion, the pain in body and mind, and the sense of being attacked. I ask that by the authority of Jesus You would break every hold of darkness and bring peace to this troubled mind. Cover this life with the blood of Christ and seal it by Your Holy Spirit. Bring healing as You bore our infirmities, whether it be instant, gradual, or through the healing processes You have created, and above all heal the soul and restore joy. Forgive sin, cleanse the heart, and set free from every chain. Give a renewed hunger for Your Word, clarity of thought, and ears to hear Your voice in Scripture. Lift the discouragement and remind this heart how deeply Jesus loves, not because of marriage or children but because of the cross. Provide for daily needs, open the door for good and steady work, and supply what is needed to grow in faith. If it is Your will, lead in Your time to a godly marriage and to children within that covenant, and give contentment and trust while waiting. Fill this life with Your presence, guard it by Your angels according to Your will, and let Your love be known in a powerful way. Amen.
Keep bringing these requests to the Lord, stay in His Word daily, pray honestly, and walk with other faithful believers who can encourage you and pray with you. God is faithful, and He will keep you and complete the work He has begun in you.