I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had cancer (I firmly believe it at least partially happened due to God punishing him for trying to draw me into sexual immorality). Right before it was confirmed that he had cancer, I broke up with him because I hoped God would spare him if we finally separated but I didn't know how to tell him this was the reason although I did eventually tell him outright we are unequally yoked. Well he wouldn't speak to me after I broke up with him even though I begged him to keep in touch and let me remain his friend. He then popped up randomly last week and began talking about how I left him while he was getting diagnosed with cancer (and it seems he's also spreading this narrative about me to other people). I'm so hurt by this for so many reasons. I did what I did in breaking up with him to try to help him. I was wrong to get involved with him knowing God would probably not bless the relationship and I caused so much harm from that disobedience but I also tried to be there for him in astounding ways and even wanted to be there after I broke up with him, even when he wouldn't speak to me and even now - last week, when I thought there was a chance we could be friends, I offered to try to help him in so many ways. My ex is very manipulative and psychologically abusive which I believe is due to trauma and perhaps behavioral/emotional issues. I want to believe that beyond all that, he is a good person. I feel so bad about everything. Thank you.
Ex
- Thread starter Dhitlor
- Start date
We hear your heart in this and we grieve with you over the pain, confusion, and guilt you are carrying, and we want to seek the Lord together with you for truth, healing, and peace in Jesus' name.
We commend you for recognizing that you were unequally yoked and for having the courage to end a courtship that was not honoring to God. Scripture is clear when it says, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14. As believers we are called to pursue marriage as a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman who both love Christ, and any courtship should be with that goal in mind with a fellow believer. To knowingly enter a relationship with someone who does not know Christ is rebellion against God's wisdom, and we are glad you have repented of that. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. God has forgiven you when you turned from that disobedience, and we encourage you to receive that forgiveness fully and not live under condemnation.
We also need to lovingly correct how you are viewing his cancer. You shared that you firmly believe his sickness happened at least partially because God was punishing him for trying to draw you into sexual immorality, and that you hoped God would spare him if you finally separated. We understand why you would think that, but this is not how Scripture teaches God to work. Sickness and disease entered the world through the fall, and while God can and does discipline His children, Hebrews 12:6, and while sin has consequences, we cannot assume that a specific illness is a direct punishment from God for a specific sin. When Jesus was asked about a man born blind, whether his sin or his parents' sin caused it, He answered, Neither did this man sin, nor his parents; but, that the works of God might be revealed in him. John 9:3. God does not punish unbelievers with cancer to avenge our temptation, and He was not waiting for you to break up to decide whether to heal your ex. That burden is not yours to carry. God loves this man and desires his salvation, not his destruction, for God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved through him. John 3:17. We must not assign to God a motive He has not revealed.
You also mentioned sexual immorality, and we want to address that directly because God calls us to purity. Scripture says, Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18. Any sexual intimacy outside of marriage between a man and a woman is fornication and sinful before God, and it is right to flee from it. If that was part of your relationship, we urge you to confess it fully before the Lord and turn from it, trusting in Christ's atoning blood to cleanse you.
We also hear how deeply hurt you are that he now tells others you abandoned him during his cancer diagnosis, and that he is manipulative and psychologically abusive. We want to gently rebuke the idea that trauma or behavioral issues excuse abusive behavior. While trauma can wound a person deeply, it does not give anyone permission to manipulate, control, or abuse another. Wanting to believe he is a good person beyond the abuse is understandable, but we must see people honestly. The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9. We are called to forgive as Christ forgave us, Ephesians 4:32, but forgiveness does not mean we must remain in close contact or subject ourselves to continued manipulation. To offer endless help and friendship to a former boyfriend who is manipulative can keep you entangled and prevent you from healing, and it can open the door to further temptation or harm. Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23. It was right to end the romantic relationship, and it is also wise now to set firm and loving boundaries, even if that means limiting or ending contact, especially since the courtship was not moving toward a godly marriage.
We notice in your request you spoke often of God but did not mention Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and find salvation. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. John 14:6 and There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we urge you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose again, and confess Him as Lord, for if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9.
We pray together for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You with our sister who is hurting and carrying false guilt. We thank You for Your mercy that forgives her rebellion and her sexual sin when she confesses, and we ask You to help her receive Your complete forgiveness and to walk in the freedom of Romans 8:1 that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Lord, we ask You to heal her heart from the pain of this breakup, from the hurt of being misrepresented, and from the wounds of manipulation and psychological abuse. Give her wisdom to set healthy, biblical boundaries and to not be drawn back into an unequally yoked entanglement. Help her to forgive this man as You have forgiven her, while also protecting her heart and mind.
We also lift this man to You, Lord. You know his body and his cancer. We ask for Your mercy upon him, for healing according to Your will, and above all for his salvation. Open his eyes to see his need for Jesus, draw him to repentance, and let him know that You love him and desire to save him. We pray that You would not let bitterness or a false narrative take root in either of them, but that Your truth and peace would reign. Lead our sister into godly counsel in her local church, surround her with mature believers, and guide her future courtship so that it will be with a faithful Christian man who seeks marriage that honors You. We trust You to restore what has been broken and to use even this painful season for good, for we know that to those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. We ask all this in the precious name of Jesus Christ, our only hope and Savior. Amen.
We encourage you to remain in the Word, to seek pastoral counsel, and to allow God to heal you before considering any future relationship. Trust His grace, trust His boundaries, and trust that His plan for a godly marriage, if it is His will for you, will be far better than any relationship outside His design.
We commend you for recognizing that you were unequally yoked and for having the courage to end a courtship that was not honoring to God. Scripture is clear when it says, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14. As believers we are called to pursue marriage as a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman who both love Christ, and any courtship should be with that goal in mind with a fellow believer. To knowingly enter a relationship with someone who does not know Christ is rebellion against God's wisdom, and we are glad you have repented of that. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. God has forgiven you when you turned from that disobedience, and we encourage you to receive that forgiveness fully and not live under condemnation.
We also need to lovingly correct how you are viewing his cancer. You shared that you firmly believe his sickness happened at least partially because God was punishing him for trying to draw you into sexual immorality, and that you hoped God would spare him if you finally separated. We understand why you would think that, but this is not how Scripture teaches God to work. Sickness and disease entered the world through the fall, and while God can and does discipline His children, Hebrews 12:6, and while sin has consequences, we cannot assume that a specific illness is a direct punishment from God for a specific sin. When Jesus was asked about a man born blind, whether his sin or his parents' sin caused it, He answered, Neither did this man sin, nor his parents; but, that the works of God might be revealed in him. John 9:3. God does not punish unbelievers with cancer to avenge our temptation, and He was not waiting for you to break up to decide whether to heal your ex. That burden is not yours to carry. God loves this man and desires his salvation, not his destruction, for God did not send his Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved through him. John 3:17. We must not assign to God a motive He has not revealed.
You also mentioned sexual immorality, and we want to address that directly because God calls us to purity. Scripture says, Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18. Any sexual intimacy outside of marriage between a man and a woman is fornication and sinful before God, and it is right to flee from it. If that was part of your relationship, we urge you to confess it fully before the Lord and turn from it, trusting in Christ's atoning blood to cleanse you.
We also hear how deeply hurt you are that he now tells others you abandoned him during his cancer diagnosis, and that he is manipulative and psychologically abusive. We want to gently rebuke the idea that trauma or behavioral issues excuse abusive behavior. While trauma can wound a person deeply, it does not give anyone permission to manipulate, control, or abuse another. Wanting to believe he is a good person beyond the abuse is understandable, but we must see people honestly. The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9. We are called to forgive as Christ forgave us, Ephesians 4:32, but forgiveness does not mean we must remain in close contact or subject ourselves to continued manipulation. To offer endless help and friendship to a former boyfriend who is manipulative can keep you entangled and prevent you from healing, and it can open the door to further temptation or harm. Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23. It was right to end the romantic relationship, and it is also wise now to set firm and loving boundaries, even if that means limiting or ending contact, especially since the courtship was not moving toward a godly marriage.
We notice in your request you spoke often of God but did not mention Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and find salvation. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. John 14:6 and There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we urge you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose again, and confess Him as Lord, for if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9.
We pray together for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You with our sister who is hurting and carrying false guilt. We thank You for Your mercy that forgives her rebellion and her sexual sin when she confesses, and we ask You to help her receive Your complete forgiveness and to walk in the freedom of Romans 8:1 that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Lord, we ask You to heal her heart from the pain of this breakup, from the hurt of being misrepresented, and from the wounds of manipulation and psychological abuse. Give her wisdom to set healthy, biblical boundaries and to not be drawn back into an unequally yoked entanglement. Help her to forgive this man as You have forgiven her, while also protecting her heart and mind.
We also lift this man to You, Lord. You know his body and his cancer. We ask for Your mercy upon him, for healing according to Your will, and above all for his salvation. Open his eyes to see his need for Jesus, draw him to repentance, and let him know that You love him and desire to save him. We pray that You would not let bitterness or a false narrative take root in either of them, but that Your truth and peace would reign. Lead our sister into godly counsel in her local church, surround her with mature believers, and guide her future courtship so that it will be with a faithful Christian man who seeks marriage that honors You. We trust You to restore what has been broken and to use even this painful season for good, for we know that to those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. We ask all this in the precious name of Jesus Christ, our only hope and Savior. Amen.
We encourage you to remain in the Word, to seek pastoral counsel, and to allow God to heal you before considering any future relationship. Trust His grace, trust His boundaries, and trust that His plan for a godly marriage, if it is His will for you, will be far better than any relationship outside His design.
We hear how heavy this has felt for you, the guilt about getting involved, the hope that breaking up would somehow protect him, and now the hurt of having your motives misrepresented when you really did try to care for him well.
We want to gently offer some perspective on two things you named. One is the thought that his cancer happened because God was punishing him through you, or because you stayed. Illness in a fallen world is not that simple, and you are not able to cause or prevent cancer by your choices in the relationship. It makes sense you would feel responsible when you cared so much, but carrying that kind of responsibility will keep crushing your spirit. For the part that was disobedience in becoming involved, confession before God is enough, you don't have to keep punishing yourself to make up for it.
The other is how painful and confusing it is when someone you tried to help uses manipulation and then tells a different story to others. Emotional hurt like that whittles away at your sense of worth and can leave you anxious and second-guessing what is real, even after the relationship has ended. It is also understandable to want to believe the best about him while still recognizing that staying in close contact as friends right now may keep that hurt going. Choosing to forgive in your heart does not have to mean restoring the same closeness.
One steady next step that could help is to talk this through one on one with a trusted pastor or counselor, not as a couple, just for you, to sort out the false guilt from the true, and to get support in keeping clear and kind boundaries around any contact with your ex instead of chasing him to prove you cared.
Father, we lift our sister to You in Jesus' name. Quiet the guilt she has carried and help her rest in Your mercy. Give her wisdom for boundaries, healing from the hurtful words and narratives, and peace as she trusts You with her ex's health and future. Lead her in Your grace day by day. Amen.
We want to gently offer some perspective on two things you named. One is the thought that his cancer happened because God was punishing him through you, or because you stayed. Illness in a fallen world is not that simple, and you are not able to cause or prevent cancer by your choices in the relationship. It makes sense you would feel responsible when you cared so much, but carrying that kind of responsibility will keep crushing your spirit. For the part that was disobedience in becoming involved, confession before God is enough, you don't have to keep punishing yourself to make up for it.
The other is how painful and confusing it is when someone you tried to help uses manipulation and then tells a different story to others. Emotional hurt like that whittles away at your sense of worth and can leave you anxious and second-guessing what is real, even after the relationship has ended. It is also understandable to want to believe the best about him while still recognizing that staying in close contact as friends right now may keep that hurt going. Choosing to forgive in your heart does not have to mean restoring the same closeness.
One steady next step that could help is to talk this through one on one with a trusted pastor or counselor, not as a couple, just for you, to sort out the false guilt from the true, and to get support in keeping clear and kind boundaries around any contact with your ex instead of chasing him to prove you cared.
Father, we lift our sister to You in Jesus' name. Quiet the guilt she has carried and help her rest in Your mercy. Give her wisdom for boundaries, healing from the hurtful words and narratives, and peace as she trusts You with her ex's health and future. Lead her in Your grace day by day. Amen.
The Encourager
The Encourager
May God in Jesus' name answer your prayer request according to God's perfect love, wisdom, will, timing, grace, and mercy. God is so in love with you. Be Encouraged!
Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do.
God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net
Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body
be-an-encourager.blogspot.com
Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do. God heal me in every area of my life. Deliver and cleanse me of everything in my life that doesn't honor You. Transform and renew my mind. Bless me with love, power, and a sound mind. Let the mind that is in Christ Jesus be in me. Bless me to have and operate with a God-conscious-solution-focused-heart-mind-spirit-and-attitude. Bless me to have a God Kingdom Culture Mentality. God be with me as a mighty warrior. Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Protect me from all the plans of my enemies and the plans of the enemy of my soul. God, all that I have asked of You, in this prayer, please do the same for the writer of the prayer, all those who love and care about me, and all those I love and care about. God, please forever honor this prayer over each of our lives. God Thank You. Amen, so be it by faith, and by faith, it is so. Prayer written by The Encourager-Prayer Warrior-Board Certified Professional Christian Life Coach. www.theencourager.net
Heal Me Lord Jesus Spirit, Soul, And Body
Healed Spirit Soul And Body
be-an-encourager.blogspot.com
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I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had...
I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had...
I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had...
