Ex

[Dhitlor]

I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had cancer (I firmly believe it at least partially happened due to God punishing him for trying to draw me into sexual immorality). Right before it was confirmed that he had cancer, I broke up with him because I hoped God would spare him if we finally separated but I didn't know how to tell him this was the reason although I did eventually tell him outright we are unequally yoked. Well he wouldn't speak to me after I broke up with him even though I begged him to keep in touch and let me remain his friend. He then popped up randomly this week and began talking about how I left him while he was getting diagnosed with cancer (and it seems he's also spreading this narrative about me to other people). I'm so hurt by this for so many reasons. I did what I did in breaking up with him to try to help him. I was wrong to get involved with him knowing God would probably not bless the relationship and I caused so much harm from that disobedience but I also tried to be there for him in astounding ways and even wanted to be there after I broke up with him, even when he wouldn't speak to me and even now - this week, when I thought there was a chance we could be friends, I offered to try to help him in so many ways. My ex is very manipulative and psychologically abusive which I believe is due to trauma and perhaps behavioral/emotional issues. I want to believe that beyond all that, he is a good person. I love that man so much, I would do anything for him. Please pray about all this. I wish God could make him a Christian and we could be together but that doesn't look likely. Thank you.

 

[Articles]

We hear the deep pain and confusion in your heart and we join with you before the Lord to seek His will together in Jesus' name. We thank you for your honesty in confessing that you entered this courtship knowing it was disobedient because he was not a believer, and we praise God that you have recognized this and turned away from it. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14. When we as believers enter a romantic relationship with someone who does not know Christ, we step outside God's protective design for courtship which is to be between two Christians with the goal of marriage between a man and a woman for a lifetime. We also hear your conviction about sexual immorality and we affirm what Scripture says, Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18. Any sexual activity outside of marriage is fornication and is sin before God, and it is right to repent of it and to flee from it. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. We rejoice that you chose to obey God by ending the relationship, even though it was painful.

We also want to gently correct a burden you are carrying that is not biblical. You shared that you firmly believe his cancer happened at least partially because God was punishing him for trying to draw you into sexual immorality, and that breaking up might spare him. We understand why you would feel this way in your grief and guilt, but this is not how Scripture reveals God's heart. Illness and cancer are part of living in a fallen world, not necessarily a direct punishment from God for a specific sin. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abundant in loving kindness. Psalm 103:8. He forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Psalm 103:3. God does discipline His own children whom He loves, but His desire for the unbeliever is not to strike him with disease, but that he would be saved. The Lord is not slow concerning his promise, as some count slowness, but is patient with us, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9. God desires all people to be saved and come to full knowledge of the truth. 1 Timothy 2:4. We should not view his cancer as your fault or as God's retaliation that you could bargain away by breaking up. Your obedience in ending an unequally yoked relationship was right because God calls us to holiness, not as a transaction to control whether God heals someone. God is sovereign over sickness and health, and we can trust His goodness even when we do not understand.

We also notice you describe your ex as very manipulative and psychologically abusive, and then you excuse it because of trauma and behavioral issues, and you say beyond that he is a good person whom you love and would do anything for. We say this with compassion, trauma may explain behavior but it does not excuse abuse, and love does not require us to remain entangled in a harmful dynamic. Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23. The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9. Part of guarding your heart now is to accept that begging him to stay in contact after you ended the courtship, and now offering to help him in so many ways while he is speaking against you to others, keeps you in a place where you can be hurt and manipulated again. Forgiveness is commanded, Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32. But forgiveness does not always mean resuming a close friendship, especially when there is a pattern of manipulation. It is right to set firm, loving boundaries, to not seek out private communication, and to entrust him to God rather than trying to rescue him yourself.

We hear how wounded you are that he is now saying you left him while he was being diagnosed and spreading that narrative. God sees the truth of what happened, the ways you tried to care for him, and the obedience it took to step away. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. Even your disobedience and your painful obedience can be redeemed by God for your growth and for His glory as you walk in repentance.

You shared that you wish God could make him a Christian so you could be together, but that it does not look likely. We must be clear that God does not force anyone to become a Christian against his will. Salvation comes when a person repents and believes on the Lord Jesus Christ. We also notice your request speaks of God many times but does not mention Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father. Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. John 14:6. There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved! Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we encourage you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ alone for forgiveness and new life, and to bring every prayer to God in His name. God's will for you is not to hold onto hope of reuniting with this man unless God truly saves him, and then over much time shows lasting fruit of repentance, humility, and freedom from manipulation, and only then could a Christ-centered courtship with marriage as the goal even be considered. Our prayer for you is that you would surrender even this desire to the Lord and trust that His plan for a godly marriage, if it is His will, will be far better than trying to reclaim what was unequally yoked.

We pray together now.

Heavenly Father, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, and we thank You for Your mercy that forgives rebellion and cleanses us when we confess. We lift this dear sister to You, we ask You to heal her heart from grief, guilt, and the sting of being misrepresented. Give her Your peace that surpasses understanding and help her to walk in purity and obedience from this day forward. Teach her to guard her heart and to set healthy boundaries, and surround her with godly counsel and fellowship in the body of Christ. We also lift this man to You, You know his suffering with cancer, his trauma, and his need for salvation. We ask in Jesus' name that You would have mercy on him, bring the gospel to him clearly, soften his heart to repent and believe on Jesus Christ, and provide for his physical and spiritual needs according to Your will. Heal him if it is Your will, and above all save his soul. Help our sister to release him fully into Your hands and to desire his salvation more than any relationship. Help her to trust that You are good and sovereign, and to wait on Your perfect plan for her life and for a future marriage that honors You if that is Your calling for her. We ask all this in the precious name of Jesus Christ, amen.

 

[hostadmin]

We have read your note with care and we are so sorry for the tangle of grief and hurt you are carrying. Loving someone who is seriously ill, carrying guilt about how the relationship began, and then hearing your story told by him in a painful way would leave anyone feeling confused and bruised.

We want to gently untangle one thread. Sickness in this fallen world is not God paying your ex back for your choices together, and ending the relationship could not bargain for his health. It makes sense you hoped it would help, but you are not carrying responsibility for his diagnosis and you do not have to hold that weight. God's care for both of you is not measured that way.

We also hear you naming manipulation and psychological hurt alongside deep love for him. That pull to keep proving your care by staying close and offering help, even when contact leaves you hurt or blamed, is very understandable, and it can also keep you stuck. Repeated patterns matter more than single moments, and it is wise to notice how you feel after contact and whether you feel safer and more at peace or more diminished.

It may help to have one steady, safe person to process this with, a pastor or Christian counselor meeting with you alone, who can help you sort the guilt and grief and think through what healthy boundaries look like going forward, especially while he is unwell and speaking about you in ways that hurt.

Father, we lift this sister to You and her ex to Your mercy. Bring her peace and clarity, heal the weight of false guilt, guard her heart and dignity, and give her wisdom for each next step. Bring him comfort in his illness and draw him to Yourself. Lead them both according to Your good will. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

 

[Azoirpaertown]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[EnricoLange]

Lord Jesus please richly bless, protect, heal and guide them. Please help them in accordance with your perfect will Father. Thank you and praise you. In your holy name I pray. Amen.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your sorrow has been laid before the Lord with tenderness, and it is right that you should bring it into the light, for there is forgiveness with God and healing in the leaves of the tree of life.

Hear first the sweetest whisper that the Scripture gives to a wounded conscience, there is forgiveness. Not a forgiveness measured by the greatness of your sin, but a divine forgiveness, for God says, I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake. It is a surprising forgiveness and a complete forgiveness, setting free from every jot and taint and stain of guilt. If you tremble and shake for fear and with a penitent heart desire forgiveness, you may have it now through Jesus Christ, the Just who died for the unjust that He might bring us to God. Do as Luther did when he was in dark distress and a brother said to him, believe in the forgiveness of sins for yourself. Believe it, for the gifts and calling of God are without repentance, He never plays fast and loose with men.

You confess that you entered knowingly into a yoke which God forbids, and the Scripture says, Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. You thought that yoke of Christ hard when it restrained you, and you have found by experience how heavy is the other yoke. To turn from that path was needful, and to confess the sin of sexual immorality which belongs only within the lifelong covenant of one man and one woman in marriage is the way of honesty before God. When guilt is truly taken away, guile is taken away also. The work of the Spirit is linked with the work of the Son, when the Son removes guilt, the Spirit removes guile. Therefore do not hush the conscience nor strain it to excuse what was done, but humbly confess all your guilt in the lowest place before God, and you will find that He not only forgave at the first all your sins, but He continues daily to forgive, and His forgiveness is an eternal forgiveness.

You have laid upon yourself a burden that is not yours to carry, that his sickness was sent as a direct punishment from God for drawing you into sin, and that your leaving might spare him. Sickness and sorrow belong to this fallen world, and while God is sovereign over all affliction, we must not interpret a man's cancer as the sure stroke of God's wrath for one particular sin, as if your obedience could bargain for his health. That is not how the mercy of God works. He forgives not on account of the sinner, but for His own sake, and His healing, whether of body or soul, flows not from our bargains but from the abundance of healing power in Jesus Christ, whose very leaves are for the healing of the nations. The least thing about Christ is healing, and it changes the life blood and makes the nature other than it was before.

You are hurt also by his words and by the narrative now spread among others that you forsook him in his diagnosis. This wounds deeply, and it is right to feel it. Yet remember that forgiveness received must become forgiveness given. In Christ we have a full forgiveness, and it becomes a joint stock business of mutual forgiveness among His people, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven us. This does not mean you must place yourself again under a manipulative and psychologically abusive hand. Love that would do anything for another is not called to submit again to what harms the soul. Some who have been forgiven much find it natural to open their hands to forgive, but wisdom also sets a guard. To offer help is Christlike, to remain entangled where there is control and abuse is not required of you. It is possible to forgive, to pray, and yet to keep a distance that is holy and safe.

You say you love him and wish God would make him a Christian so you could be together, and that you want to believe he is good beyond his trauma. The truth is that we are all altogether sinners until grace makes us new, and no man is good apart from Christ. We will pray earnestly that God will save him, for there is forgiveness for whatever his sins may have been, and that forgiveness is only to be obtained from God through Jesus Christ His Son. We will pray too for his bodily healing according to the Lord's mercy. But we will not ask God to bless a relationship that runs against His holy design, nor to restore an unequally yoked union outside of marriage. Salvation is through Jesus Christ alone, and the way of purity is to be kept. If God in His providence should hereafter make this man a new creature in Christ, then any future path must be weighed in the light of obedience, counsel, and the sacred covenant of marriage, not a return to what was.

Take then this assurance, there is forgiveness with God for you now, at this moment, however sinful your life has been up until now. There was forgiveness, there is forgiveness, there will be forgiveness as long as life lasts, for with Him is the fountain. Seek it not by trying to earn it through remaining near to one who harms you, but by simple faith in the matchless Atonement which covers all your guilt. And having received it, walk in newness, forsaking guile as well as guilt, and not continuing in iniquity while hoping for peace.

We will pray thus, that the Lord would give you a full sense of His absolute and irreversible pardon in Christ, that He would heal your heart with His healing leaves, that He would grant you wisdom to keep the yoke of Christ which is easy, that He would save this man by His sovereign grace and be merciful to him in his affliction, and that He would keep you in purity and peace, trusting not in your own power to fix what is broken, but in the God with whom there is forgiveness, that He may be feared.

 

[usha rani]

I prayed for this in Jesus Name.

 

[Jonathan_M]

Praying for this in Jesus Name. Amen.