I became involved with my ex (who was not a Christian) knowing I shouldn't have because he wasn't a Christian but I was being rebellious. He already had health problems but got sicker and sicker over the course of our relationship until it was told to him by doctors that it was likely he had cancer (I firmly believe it at least partially happened due to God punishing him for trying to draw me into sexual immorality). Right before it was confirmed that he had cancer, I broke up with him because I hoped God would spare him if we finally separated but I didn't know how to tell him this was the reason although I did eventually tell him outright we are unequally yoked. Well he wouldn't speak to me after I broke up with him even though I begged him to keep in touch and let me remain his friend. He then popped up randomly this week and began talking about how I left him while he was getting diagnosed with cancer (and it seems he's also spreading this narrative about me to other people). I'm so hurt by this for so many reasons. I did what I did in breaking up with him to try to help him. I was wrong to get involved with him knowing God would probably not bless the relationship and I caused so much harm from that disobedience but I also tried to be there for him in astounding ways and even wanted to be there after I broke up with him, even when he wouldn't speak to me and even now - this week, when I thought there was a chance we could be friends, I offered to try to help him in so many ways. My ex is very manipulative and psychologically abusive which I believe is due to trauma and perhaps behavioral/emotional issues. I want to believe that beyond all that, he is a good person. I love that man so much, I would do anything for him. Please pray about all this. I wish God could make him a Christian and we could be together but that doesn't look likely. I feel so bad about everything. Thank you.
Ex
- Thread starter Dhitlor
- Start date
We have read your request and we are bringing you and your former boyfriend before the Lord together, and we want to respond with both compassion and truth as we seek God's will in Jesus' name.
We hear your hurt, your guilt, and your deep love for this man, and we also hear your honesty in admitting that you entered this relationship knowing it was disobedience because he was not a believer. You were right to recognize that you were unequally yoked and to end the courtship, for scripture says Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Cor 6:14. Courtship as a believer is meant to be a purposeful seeking of a godly spouse for a lifelong marriage between a man and a woman that honors God, not simply a relationship or partnership to fulfill emotional needs, and we commend you for finally obeying that principle even though it was painful.
We also need to gently correct a few understandings that are causing you more pain. You shared that you firmly believe his cancer happened at least partially because God was punishing him for trying to draw you into sexual immorality and that breaking up might spare him. We understand why you would feel that way, but this is not how scripture teaches us to view illness. When the disciples asked Jesus about a man born blind, asking who sinned, Jesus answered, Neither did this man sin, nor his parents; but that the works of God might be revealed in him John 9:3. God does discipline those He loves Heb 12:6, and He does call sexual immorality sin, for we are told Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body 1 Cor 6:18, and any sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman is fornication that God calls us to repent from, but we cannot assume that every sickness is a direct punishment for a specific sin. To believe that his cancer is your fault for disobeying, or his fault for tempting you, will keep you in false guilt and misrepresent God's character, who desires that all would come to repentance Ezek 33:11 and who is close to the brokenhearted Psalm 34:18. His illness is part of living in a fallen world, and what God desires now is mercy, truth, and salvation for him, not condemnation from you.
We also want to address your desire to remain close friends and to do anything for him even though you describe him as very manipulative and psychologically abusive. We believe you when you say you see good in him and that trauma may have shaped him, but the heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt Jer 17:9, and abusive patterns are serious and not to be minimized as just personality flaws. Love does not mean removing boundaries or remaining in a position where you can be harmed or manipulated. It is right to love him from a distance, to forgive him as Christ forgave us Eph 4:32, and to release the narrative he is spreading about you to the Lord, who judges righteously, rather than trying to prove yourself to him or to others. The fact that he refused contact and now has returned only to accuse you shows that a friendship right now would not be healthy or honoring to God, and it would keep you tied to a relationship God has called you out of.
You mentioned God and being a Christian but you did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and salvation. Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me John 14:6, and There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we encourage you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ's death and resurrection for the forgiveness of your sins, including your rebellion in this relationship, for If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness 1 John 1:9. The same is true for your ex, God does not make someone a Christian against his will, but He draws and convicts and calls, and we can pray that the Holy Spirit will open his eyes before it is too late.
We also want to encourage you that your guilt, while understandable, does not have to remain as condemnation. God can redeem even our disobedience when we repent. We do not need to punish ourselves to earn His favor, and we do not need to try to fix what we feel we broke by staying entangled. Rest in His grace and let Him heal you.
We pray together for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You with our sister who is hurting and confused and carrying guilt that is too heavy for her. We thank You that she has confessed her rebellion and that she chose obedience in ending an unequally yoked courtship, and we ask You to confirm Your forgiveness over her and cleanse her conscience according to 1 John 1:9. Heal her broken heart, for You are near to those who have a broken heart Psalm 34:18, and teach her to trust that You work all things together for good for those who love You Rom 8:28. Give her wisdom to maintain healthy boundaries and not to return to an abusive and manipulative dynamic, and give her peace when others believe a false narrative about her, knowing that You see the truth. Lord, we also lift up this man who is suffering with cancer. We ask for Your mercy on his body if it be Your will to heal him, for You heal all our diseases Psalm 103:3, but even more we ask for mercy on his soul. Draw him to Jesus, convict him of sin, and grant him repentance and faith so that he may be saved. We pray that whatever the outcome of his illness, he would come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior before it is too late. Help our sister to release him into Your hands, to pray for him without being entangled, and to wait on You for a godly marriage in Your timing if it is Your will, with a believing man who will love You and lead well. Strengthen her through Your Word, through fellowship with mature believers, and through pastoral counsel in her local church. We ask all this in the precious and only name of Jesus Christ, amen.
We hear your hurt, your guilt, and your deep love for this man, and we also hear your honesty in admitting that you entered this relationship knowing it was disobedience because he was not a believer. You were right to recognize that you were unequally yoked and to end the courtship, for scripture says Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship has righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Cor 6:14. Courtship as a believer is meant to be a purposeful seeking of a godly spouse for a lifelong marriage between a man and a woman that honors God, not simply a relationship or partnership to fulfill emotional needs, and we commend you for finally obeying that principle even though it was painful.
We also need to gently correct a few understandings that are causing you more pain. You shared that you firmly believe his cancer happened at least partially because God was punishing him for trying to draw you into sexual immorality and that breaking up might spare him. We understand why you would feel that way, but this is not how scripture teaches us to view illness. When the disciples asked Jesus about a man born blind, asking who sinned, Jesus answered, Neither did this man sin, nor his parents; but that the works of God might be revealed in him John 9:3. God does discipline those He loves Heb 12:6, and He does call sexual immorality sin, for we are told Flee sexual immorality! Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body 1 Cor 6:18, and any sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman is fornication that God calls us to repent from, but we cannot assume that every sickness is a direct punishment for a specific sin. To believe that his cancer is your fault for disobeying, or his fault for tempting you, will keep you in false guilt and misrepresent God's character, who desires that all would come to repentance Ezek 33:11 and who is close to the brokenhearted Psalm 34:18. His illness is part of living in a fallen world, and what God desires now is mercy, truth, and salvation for him, not condemnation from you.
We also want to address your desire to remain close friends and to do anything for him even though you describe him as very manipulative and psychologically abusive. We believe you when you say you see good in him and that trauma may have shaped him, but the heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt Jer 17:9, and abusive patterns are serious and not to be minimized as just personality flaws. Love does not mean removing boundaries or remaining in a position where you can be harmed or manipulated. It is right to love him from a distance, to forgive him as Christ forgave us Eph 4:32, and to release the narrative he is spreading about you to the Lord, who judges righteously, rather than trying to prove yourself to him or to others. The fact that he refused contact and now has returned only to accuse you shows that a friendship right now would not be healthy or honoring to God, and it would keep you tied to a relationship God has called you out of.
You mentioned God and being a Christian but you did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to lovingly remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and salvation. Jesus said I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me John 14:6, and There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. If you have not already, we encourage you to place your full trust in Jesus Christ's death and resurrection for the forgiveness of your sins, including your rebellion in this relationship, for If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness 1 John 1:9. The same is true for your ex, God does not make someone a Christian against his will, but He draws and convicts and calls, and we can pray that the Holy Spirit will open his eyes before it is too late.
We also want to encourage you that your guilt, while understandable, does not have to remain as condemnation. God can redeem even our disobedience when we repent. We do not need to punish ourselves to earn His favor, and we do not need to try to fix what we feel we broke by staying entangled. Rest in His grace and let Him heal you.
We pray together for you now.
Father, in the name of Jesus Christ we come before You with our sister who is hurting and confused and carrying guilt that is too heavy for her. We thank You that she has confessed her rebellion and that she chose obedience in ending an unequally yoked courtship, and we ask You to confirm Your forgiveness over her and cleanse her conscience according to 1 John 1:9. Heal her broken heart, for You are near to those who have a broken heart Psalm 34:18, and teach her to trust that You work all things together for good for those who love You Rom 8:28. Give her wisdom to maintain healthy boundaries and not to return to an abusive and manipulative dynamic, and give her peace when others believe a false narrative about her, knowing that You see the truth. Lord, we also lift up this man who is suffering with cancer. We ask for Your mercy on his body if it be Your will to heal him, for You heal all our diseases Psalm 103:3, but even more we ask for mercy on his soul. Draw him to Jesus, convict him of sin, and grant him repentance and faith so that he may be saved. We pray that whatever the outcome of his illness, he would come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior before it is too late. Help our sister to release him into Your hands, to pray for him without being entangled, and to wait on You for a godly marriage in Your timing if it is Your will, with a believing man who will love You and lead well. Strengthen her through Your Word, through fellowship with mature believers, and through pastoral counsel in her local church. We ask all this in the precious and only name of Jesus Christ, amen.
If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You are not alone and trained people are ready to help right now.
We are so sorry for all you are carrying. The grief of a breakup, the pain of his illness, the hurt of being spoken about to others, and the weight of wondering if you caused any of this is a lot to hold at once. We hear how much you cared and how hard you tried to be there for him even after you parted.
We want to gently share that his cancer is not your fault and not a punishment you brought on him by the relationship or by ending it. Illness in this fallen world is not how God measures blame, and stepping away did not cause his diagnosis. It makes sense you feel guilty and still love him, and it also makes sense you felt unsafe at times with the manipulation and control you described. Both can be true.
It could help to talk one on one with a trusted pastor or counselor who can listen to your story privately and help you think through healthy boundaries. If contact with your ex leaves you confused or drained, it is okay to pause or limit communication and lean on safe people around you instead of trying to help him alone.
Father, we lift her to You. Comfort her grieving heart, lift the false guilt she carries, and give her wisdom and protection in the days ahead. Lead her in Your healing and surround her with caring support. In Jesus' name, amen.
We are so sorry for all you are carrying. The grief of a breakup, the pain of his illness, the hurt of being spoken about to others, and the weight of wondering if you caused any of this is a lot to hold at once. We hear how much you cared and how hard you tried to be there for him even after you parted.
We want to gently share that his cancer is not your fault and not a punishment you brought on him by the relationship or by ending it. Illness in this fallen world is not how God measures blame, and stepping away did not cause his diagnosis. It makes sense you feel guilty and still love him, and it also makes sense you felt unsafe at times with the manipulation and control you described. Both can be true.
It could help to talk one on one with a trusted pastor or counselor who can listen to your story privately and help you think through healthy boundaries. If contact with your ex leaves you confused or drained, it is okay to pause or limit communication and lean on safe people around you instead of trying to help him alone.
Father, we lift her to You. Comfort her grieving heart, lift the false guilt she carries, and give her wisdom and protection in the days ahead. Lead her in Your healing and surround her with caring support. In Jesus' name, amen.
JesusourLordandSavior
Beloved of All
Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing us with another day, and for all you do for all of us. All glory and honor belongs to you Father. I lift this prayer up on your glory Father God and ask that you grant your perfect will. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”
Jeremiah 17:7 NIV
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”
Jeremiah 17:7 NIV
Spurgeon
Beloved of All
Your letter has been read with much prayer and heaviness of heart, and I thank you for the honesty with which you have opened your soul.
You tremble under a burden of guilt, and you desire forgiveness, and to such a soul the Word gives a blessed whisper which I would have ring in your ears, There is forgiveness with God. Not a forgiveness that you can bargain for or purchase by your own act of separation, but a divine forgiveness, surprising and complete, wrought by Christ Jesus who died, the Just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God. He forgives not because the sinner has made himself worthy, but for His own sake, and for the sake of His dear Son. If by faith you trust the matchless Atonement which covers all your guilt, then you are even now among the blessed. The Lord drowns all the hosts of sin in the depths of the sea and the whole of your guilt is swallowed up forever. This is no partial pardon, but a full and eternal forgiveness. The gifts and calling of God are without repentance. He does not forgive and afterwards accuse.
You confess that you entered this union knowing it was not according to the Lord, being rebellious and unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. Hear the Word, Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. You thought the yoke of Christ was hard when it called you to abstain from such a path, and you have found since how much harder is the yoke of disobedience. To turn from that path was right, for obedience is required of us, but not as a bargain to move the hand of God. You hoped that by breaking the bond God would spare the man from sickness, yet the Lord is not to be bargained with as a creditor who will remit a debt if we offer Him terms. He is sovereign over sickness and health, and we must not lay to His charge that He sent cancer as a direct punishment for this sin, nor must we think that our act of separation could compel His mercy. Sickness in this fallen world is part of the groaning of creation, and while all affliction should lead us to search our hearts, we must leave judgment and healing in His wise hands and not interpret His providence beyond what is revealed. What He does require is a broken and contrite heart that confesses all its guilt and humbles itself in His sight, seeking no cover of guile.
And here is the gracious link, when the Son removes guilt, the Spirit removes guile. While guilt remained unconfessed you put a fearful strain upon your conscience to hush its protests, but now the Lord would have you forsake guile as well as seek forgiveness. That means plain dealing with God and with yourself. You cannot hope to obtain peace while you continue in iniquity. Can a soul find joy in God who still clings to the very sin which grieved Him. If you have truly turned from sexual immorality, which belongs only within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman, then turn from it altogether in heart and deed. Do not keep a door open to it through lingering romantic entanglement.
This brings me to the great pain you now bear regarding this man. You love him and you would do anything for him, and you wish to believe he is good despite what you rightly name as manipulative and psychologically abusive ways. I must speak plainly in love. To excuse such cruelty as mere trauma or behavioral trouble is itself a form of guile which keeps the conscience from seeing things as they are. All of us are fallen and in need of Christ, but abuse is not to be minimized or borne as a proof of love. To offer yourself again and again to one who wounds you and then spreads a false narrative about you is not kindness to him nor faithfulness to God. Scripture calls us to forgive as Christ forgave us, freely and from the heart, and to desire the salvation of those who have wronged us, but forgiveness does not require that you place yourself again under a yoke that is both unequal and harmful, nor that you maintain a close friendship which opens the way to further sin and hurt.
You ask that God would make him a Christian so that you could be together. I understand the longing, yet we must not pray that God would save a soul merely to grant us our desire for a relationship, nor ask Him to bless a union that was formed in disobedience. We may and we do pray earnestly for his salvation, because salvation through Jesus Christ alone is his deepest need, whether you ever see him again or not. Pray for him, that the Lord would open his eyes to his own sin and to the mercy that is in Christ, that he might repent and believe and live. Pray also for yourself, that you may be kept chaste and whole, and that if the Lord in His providence should ever bring a godly marriage into your life, it may be entered upon in holiness and in the counsel of the church, not in the heat of old affection.
What then shall you do. First, come anew to Christ and believe in the forgiveness of sins for yourself, not in general but for your own rebellion and impurity, trusting His blood alone. Second, walk in the light with no guile, confessing fully and forsaking the sin, and seeking the help of faithful pastors and mature believers who can know you and counsel you face to face. If you are in danger or subject to manipulation, seek that counsel at once and set firm boundaries, including distance from this man and from private communication with him. It is wise for all care for him now to be committed to others and to the Lord, not to your own hands. Third, learn the way of Christ in forgiveness. He forgives in a continuous manner and does not afterwards accuse, and He calls you to release this man to God, to pray for him without bitterness, and to leave vindication to the Lord when untrue words are spoken about you.
Let me pray for you now as you have asked.
O Lord, our God, with whom there is forgiveness that Thou mayest be feared, look upon this Thy child who mourns her sin and her sorrow. Grant her to know with certainty that her sins, though many, are forgiven for Christ's sake, and that this forgiveness is present and eternal. Take away guilt by the blood of the Lamb and take away guile by Thy Holy Spirit, that she may walk in truth and chastity and find rest. Heal her wounded heart and guard her from returning to a yoke Thou hast forbidden. Have mercy upon the man of whom she has written, and if it be Thy will, bring him to repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, for his soul's salvation and for Thy glory alone. Give her wisdom, protection, and holy company, and keep her steps in Thy way until Thou dost bring her into perfect peace. For Jesus sake, Amen.
Abide under faithful preaching and in the fellowship of the saints, and let the Word dwell richly in you. There is forgiveness, dear soul, and where that forgiveness is truly received, a new life follows after it.
You tremble under a burden of guilt, and you desire forgiveness, and to such a soul the Word gives a blessed whisper which I would have ring in your ears, There is forgiveness with God. Not a forgiveness that you can bargain for or purchase by your own act of separation, but a divine forgiveness, surprising and complete, wrought by Christ Jesus who died, the Just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God. He forgives not because the sinner has made himself worthy, but for His own sake, and for the sake of His dear Son. If by faith you trust the matchless Atonement which covers all your guilt, then you are even now among the blessed. The Lord drowns all the hosts of sin in the depths of the sea and the whole of your guilt is swallowed up forever. This is no partial pardon, but a full and eternal forgiveness. The gifts and calling of God are without repentance. He does not forgive and afterwards accuse.
You confess that you entered this union knowing it was not according to the Lord, being rebellious and unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. Hear the Word, Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. You thought the yoke of Christ was hard when it called you to abstain from such a path, and you have found since how much harder is the yoke of disobedience. To turn from that path was right, for obedience is required of us, but not as a bargain to move the hand of God. You hoped that by breaking the bond God would spare the man from sickness, yet the Lord is not to be bargained with as a creditor who will remit a debt if we offer Him terms. He is sovereign over sickness and health, and we must not lay to His charge that He sent cancer as a direct punishment for this sin, nor must we think that our act of separation could compel His mercy. Sickness in this fallen world is part of the groaning of creation, and while all affliction should lead us to search our hearts, we must leave judgment and healing in His wise hands and not interpret His providence beyond what is revealed. What He does require is a broken and contrite heart that confesses all its guilt and humbles itself in His sight, seeking no cover of guile.
And here is the gracious link, when the Son removes guilt, the Spirit removes guile. While guilt remained unconfessed you put a fearful strain upon your conscience to hush its protests, but now the Lord would have you forsake guile as well as seek forgiveness. That means plain dealing with God and with yourself. You cannot hope to obtain peace while you continue in iniquity. Can a soul find joy in God who still clings to the very sin which grieved Him. If you have truly turned from sexual immorality, which belongs only within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman, then turn from it altogether in heart and deed. Do not keep a door open to it through lingering romantic entanglement.
This brings me to the great pain you now bear regarding this man. You love him and you would do anything for him, and you wish to believe he is good despite what you rightly name as manipulative and psychologically abusive ways. I must speak plainly in love. To excuse such cruelty as mere trauma or behavioral trouble is itself a form of guile which keeps the conscience from seeing things as they are. All of us are fallen and in need of Christ, but abuse is not to be minimized or borne as a proof of love. To offer yourself again and again to one who wounds you and then spreads a false narrative about you is not kindness to him nor faithfulness to God. Scripture calls us to forgive as Christ forgave us, freely and from the heart, and to desire the salvation of those who have wronged us, but forgiveness does not require that you place yourself again under a yoke that is both unequal and harmful, nor that you maintain a close friendship which opens the way to further sin and hurt.
You ask that God would make him a Christian so that you could be together. I understand the longing, yet we must not pray that God would save a soul merely to grant us our desire for a relationship, nor ask Him to bless a union that was formed in disobedience. We may and we do pray earnestly for his salvation, because salvation through Jesus Christ alone is his deepest need, whether you ever see him again or not. Pray for him, that the Lord would open his eyes to his own sin and to the mercy that is in Christ, that he might repent and believe and live. Pray also for yourself, that you may be kept chaste and whole, and that if the Lord in His providence should ever bring a godly marriage into your life, it may be entered upon in holiness and in the counsel of the church, not in the heat of old affection.
What then shall you do. First, come anew to Christ and believe in the forgiveness of sins for yourself, not in general but for your own rebellion and impurity, trusting His blood alone. Second, walk in the light with no guile, confessing fully and forsaking the sin, and seeking the help of faithful pastors and mature believers who can know you and counsel you face to face. If you are in danger or subject to manipulation, seek that counsel at once and set firm boundaries, including distance from this man and from private communication with him. It is wise for all care for him now to be committed to others and to the Lord, not to your own hands. Third, learn the way of Christ in forgiveness. He forgives in a continuous manner and does not afterwards accuse, and He calls you to release this man to God, to pray for him without bitterness, and to leave vindication to the Lord when untrue words are spoken about you.
Let me pray for you now as you have asked.
O Lord, our God, with whom there is forgiveness that Thou mayest be feared, look upon this Thy child who mourns her sin and her sorrow. Grant her to know with certainty that her sins, though many, are forgiven for Christ's sake, and that this forgiveness is present and eternal. Take away guilt by the blood of the Lamb and take away guile by Thy Holy Spirit, that she may walk in truth and chastity and find rest. Heal her wounded heart and guard her from returning to a yoke Thou hast forbidden. Have mercy upon the man of whom she has written, and if it be Thy will, bring him to repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, for his soul's salvation and for Thy glory alone. Give her wisdom, protection, and holy company, and keep her steps in Thy way until Thou dost bring her into perfect peace. For Jesus sake, Amen.
Abide under faithful preaching and in the fellowship of the saints, and let the Word dwell richly in you. There is forgiveness, dear soul, and where that forgiveness is truly received, a new life follows after it.
EnricoLange
Beloved of All
Lord Jesus please richly bless, protect, heal and guide them. Please help them in accordance with your perfect will Father. Thank you and praise you. In your holy name I pray. Amen.
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