Shivani India
Prayer Partner
Being here has been a transformative experience. When you are going through a tough time and feel like there is no one you can share with … you feel safe here surrounded by caring, wise, Godly people.
As Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Easter is coming, I wanna set myself free from this guilt & shame …. Yes I have shared many things here which I didn’t share with anyone including the mistakes I have made, decisions I took, I would love to share something here.
Yes, it’s taking a lot of courage … but I am a beloved daughter of God, I wanna be faithful, ask for forgiveness and repent.
As I became a part of this community, started praying on a daily basis, watching videos of Jesus, reading the Bible and started getting closer to God … I am loving who I am becoming.
If you have been following my posts, I am so sorry, I have been consistently sharing my prayer requests as I don’t know where else I can go and share. I genuinely appreciate the love, support, and wise insights I gain here.
So a few days ago …. ###, a person I was in love with, declared his separation from me due to my intense behavior filled with anger and emotions. Since then there has been no communication and just distance.
Now I would love to share what happened when we were together.
We met, we started enjoying each other's presence, we respect each other, we have a bond filled with compassion, acceptance, understanding, care & passion.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I deserve him, he has many qualities Jesus talks about.
Now here is the thing, when we got together we both were super busy in our own lives. He was busy in his full-time job and I was busy studying so I can get a job.
We got used to being together whenever we could find time and we never talked about being in a relationship or future plans which included marriage.
I knew, I couldn’t be super dependent on ### emotionally as we both have busy lives and if I try to get too close, he would get afraid and pull away, also I can’t force someone to be with me
but at the same time I was craving his emotional presence, for him to tell me where do I stand in his life, how much he loves me, do I matter to him but I was so stuck between wanting him to be emotionally present and then being afraid of losing him if I start expecting more.
To fill that emotional void, I started talking to another guy ### who is Muslim. That guy, he is the most emotionally available person I have ever seen, he is emotionally intelligent, compassionate, fully present, caring, gentle, respectful, responsive, he prefers communication & always there for me kind of person
(which I have craved all my life, I hate emotionally unavailable people and for some reason it’s been a pattern in my life where I attract emotionally unavailable men in my romantic relationship and then I end up getting hurt, alone & devastated.)
So we started talking and I felt so connected to him, we started seeing each other at his place which led to sexual sin. (it wasn’t that I wanted to betray ###, I love ### with my heart, it was just me filling that void of emotional absence of ### with ###) & thinking this way I won’t get attached to ###.
Now, ### is a person who is a big achiever, he is preparing for government exams along with his full-time job so for him finding time is difficult even if he wants to spend time with me doing fun stuff together like going on a bike ride, movie, cafe or simple walk.
And I love to go out as I am a fully alive person, love to explore, my love language is quality time. So that time though ### was being emotionally present, I was feeling void of spending quality time together.
So one more guy entered into my life, ###, who is an amazing friend of mine, he respects me & he is so genuine, he loves to explore, talk, spend time together so we got connected and honestly it was just pure friendship.
But one day, we went to watch sunset together and as I was feeling cold and we were tired from a long journey of bike ride, he said we can take a break at his place and then he will drop me off and during that time ..we came closer and we kissed.
And this whole time whether I was with ### or ###, I forgot I was hiding these things from ###.
What if he has done the same thing with me! How would I have felt (I somehow forgot what I was doing was wrong)
And yes I kept hidden those things from ### + ### didn’t know that I was having a romantic bond with ### or me going out on a bike ride with ###
And ### didn’t know about ### and ### .. they all thought I am being with them only.
But I believe with my heart, I am from a very well reputed family, I always believed in God, I have been always one man woman. But as challenges in my life grew
(1. I left my house & came to ### city as relationship between me and my mother has always suffered, she is controlling, came from a traumatic family, she doesn’t accept me the way I am,
2. I had to leave my dream job as she was becoming a barrier causing me to lose the peace of my mind so I have so much pain, anger, resentment in my heart towards her & my source of income stopped completely.
3. I was feeling so alone, no matter how hard I was trying, I am still not getting any job
4. I am struggling financially, as I don’t have a job, I am dependent on my parents for money
5. I have been super hurt due to my past relationships with men where either I decided to leave them or they decided to leave me due to fights, mismatch in values & lifestyle & goals & attachment styles)
And in order to escape with this unbearable pain, I got involved in that stuff which was giving me temporary relief but I know how much consequences I have started facing because of whatever I have done.
I also realized, I should put God first in my life, tell Him to fill those voids & stay away from sin.
Please pray for me to forgive me from betrayal, cheating, being with multiple people, pride, seduction, sexual sin, isolation, rejection.
I talked to God, I shared with Him everything I did and whatever happened. I asked for forgiveness.
I also know, I have allowed many evil spirits to enter into my life via sexual sin that’s why I am going through health challenges, financial difficulties, unemployment, fights in my family, relationship issues.
I love ### and I only wanna be with ###. It’s so shameful, I dared to be with another man where I could have just put efforts growing my bond with him.
I have been praying for ### & restoration of our bond. ###, he was there for me when no one was there .. he brought so much joy in my life, he accepted me, he became my blessing.
Please I ask you to pray for me, deliver me from sin, I also ask for forgiveness to Lord for ###, ### & ###.
I have no right to play with anyone’s emotions. I realized how much dark place I was in.
Yes I am in the process of becoming a Godly woman.
God is really working in my life because I realized all these things on my own when I started getting closer to God.
Please pray for me, forgive me, give me one more chance, restore my bond with ###.
I have sent him one last message on LinkedIn (where I have access but he didn’t see that message as it went into message request, on other places he blocked me as he needs some space)
Please ask Lord to guide him to see that message and shift his heart.
I also kept a diary in his room, please let him read that diary again and again & let one word, one experience, one sentence, one letter move his heart knowing how much I love him & how much he matters to me in my life.
God is great, with Him .. everything is possible. I am expecting a miracle. If God has done for others, God will do it in my life. I want God to show up and answer my prayers this holy week from Palm Sunday to Easter.
In Jesus mighty name, I am receiving a message and call from ###.
As Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Easter is coming, I wanna set myself free from this guilt & shame …. Yes I have shared many things here which I didn’t share with anyone including the mistakes I have made, decisions I took, I would love to share something here.
Yes, it’s taking a lot of courage … but I am a beloved daughter of God, I wanna be faithful, ask for forgiveness and repent.
As I became a part of this community, started praying on a daily basis, watching videos of Jesus, reading the Bible and started getting closer to God … I am loving who I am becoming.
If you have been following my posts, I am so sorry, I have been consistently sharing my prayer requests as I don’t know where else I can go and share. I genuinely appreciate the love, support, and wise insights I gain here.
So a few days ago …. ###, a person I was in love with, declared his separation from me due to my intense behavior filled with anger and emotions. Since then there has been no communication and just distance.
Now I would love to share what happened when we were together.
We met, we started enjoying each other's presence, we respect each other, we have a bond filled with compassion, acceptance, understanding, care & passion.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I deserve him, he has many qualities Jesus talks about.
Now here is the thing, when we got together we both were super busy in our own lives. He was busy in his full-time job and I was busy studying so I can get a job.
We got used to being together whenever we could find time and we never talked about being in a relationship or future plans which included marriage.
I knew, I couldn’t be super dependent on ### emotionally as we both have busy lives and if I try to get too close, he would get afraid and pull away, also I can’t force someone to be with me
but at the same time I was craving his emotional presence, for him to tell me where do I stand in his life, how much he loves me, do I matter to him but I was so stuck between wanting him to be emotionally present and then being afraid of losing him if I start expecting more.
To fill that emotional void, I started talking to another guy ### who is Muslim. That guy, he is the most emotionally available person I have ever seen, he is emotionally intelligent, compassionate, fully present, caring, gentle, respectful, responsive, he prefers communication & always there for me kind of person
(which I have craved all my life, I hate emotionally unavailable people and for some reason it’s been a pattern in my life where I attract emotionally unavailable men in my romantic relationship and then I end up getting hurt, alone & devastated.)
So we started talking and I felt so connected to him, we started seeing each other at his place which led to sexual sin. (it wasn’t that I wanted to betray ###, I love ### with my heart, it was just me filling that void of emotional absence of ### with ###) & thinking this way I won’t get attached to ###.
Now, ### is a person who is a big achiever, he is preparing for government exams along with his full-time job so for him finding time is difficult even if he wants to spend time with me doing fun stuff together like going on a bike ride, movie, cafe or simple walk.
And I love to go out as I am a fully alive person, love to explore, my love language is quality time. So that time though ### was being emotionally present, I was feeling void of spending quality time together.
So one more guy entered into my life, ###, who is an amazing friend of mine, he respects me & he is so genuine, he loves to explore, talk, spend time together so we got connected and honestly it was just pure friendship.
But one day, we went to watch sunset together and as I was feeling cold and we were tired from a long journey of bike ride, he said we can take a break at his place and then he will drop me off and during that time ..we came closer and we kissed.
And this whole time whether I was with ### or ###, I forgot I was hiding these things from ###.
What if he has done the same thing with me! How would I have felt (I somehow forgot what I was doing was wrong)
And yes I kept hidden those things from ### + ### didn’t know that I was having a romantic bond with ### or me going out on a bike ride with ###
And ### didn’t know about ### and ### .. they all thought I am being with them only.
But I believe with my heart, I am from a very well reputed family, I always believed in God, I have been always one man woman. But as challenges in my life grew
(1. I left my house & came to ### city as relationship between me and my mother has always suffered, she is controlling, came from a traumatic family, she doesn’t accept me the way I am,
2. I had to leave my dream job as she was becoming a barrier causing me to lose the peace of my mind so I have so much pain, anger, resentment in my heart towards her & my source of income stopped completely.
3. I was feeling so alone, no matter how hard I was trying, I am still not getting any job
4. I am struggling financially, as I don’t have a job, I am dependent on my parents for money
5. I have been super hurt due to my past relationships with men where either I decided to leave them or they decided to leave me due to fights, mismatch in values & lifestyle & goals & attachment styles)
And in order to escape with this unbearable pain, I got involved in that stuff which was giving me temporary relief but I know how much consequences I have started facing because of whatever I have done.
I also realized, I should put God first in my life, tell Him to fill those voids & stay away from sin.
Please pray for me to forgive me from betrayal, cheating, being with multiple people, pride, seduction, sexual sin, isolation, rejection.
I talked to God, I shared with Him everything I did and whatever happened. I asked for forgiveness.
I also know, I have allowed many evil spirits to enter into my life via sexual sin that’s why I am going through health challenges, financial difficulties, unemployment, fights in my family, relationship issues.
I love ### and I only wanna be with ###. It’s so shameful, I dared to be with another man where I could have just put efforts growing my bond with him.
I have been praying for ### & restoration of our bond. ###, he was there for me when no one was there .. he brought so much joy in my life, he accepted me, he became my blessing.
Please I ask you to pray for me, deliver me from sin, I also ask for forgiveness to Lord for ###, ### & ###.
I have no right to play with anyone’s emotions. I realized how much dark place I was in.
Yes I am in the process of becoming a Godly woman.
God is really working in my life because I realized all these things on my own when I started getting closer to God.
Please pray for me, forgive me, give me one more chance, restore my bond with ###.
I have sent him one last message on LinkedIn (where I have access but he didn’t see that message as it went into message request, on other places he blocked me as he needs some space)
Please ask Lord to guide him to see that message and shift his heart.
I also kept a diary in his room, please let him read that diary again and again & let one word, one experience, one sentence, one letter move his heart knowing how much I love him & how much he matters to me in my life.
God is great, with Him .. everything is possible. I am expecting a miracle. If God has done for others, God will do it in my life. I want God to show up and answer my prayers this holy week from Palm Sunday to Easter.
In Jesus mighty name, I am receiving a message and call from ###.
