The Bible tells us to forgive, my therapist told me I had to forgive for my sake, every self-help book says I have to forgive. The prevailing question HOW? The next question is do I really want to forgive them.
Here is a favorite quote I have heard: Unforgiveness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
After the abandonment of a biological father, the sexual abuse from two men, an adopted father that was full of rage, alcoholic, and emotionally abusive, an ex-husband that tried to kill me, cheated on me, then a current husband that cheated on me HOW? And a lot of I deserve to feel sorry for myself, rage, anger, unworthiness, hopelessness, and vengeance. I almost felt comfortable being miserable. I was used to betrayal and all the feelings I stated. That was my life. I couldn't imagine another way.
A little background on how I conducted my life. I flipped between trying to be so perfect, to trying to be so bad. I was always trying to get the approval of men or push them so far away they could not hurt me. I tried for a couple of years to be as wild and crazy as I could be. Stories I couldn't even put here. Sexually permissive, drugs, drinking, risk-taking, the list goes on forever. Then I still had the feelings of failure. I had been given all advantages, private schools, etc., and still a failure. Still unworthy of any man's love. PLEASE SEE HOW I CONTINUED TO FEED THE WOUNDS, GIVING MY LIFE OVER TO THOSE THAT HURT ME. I spent my life either trying to impress them or humiliate them.
Now when my husband cheated on me it all came to a head. I was not functioning, feeling in I am unlovable.
One night I went to one of the monthly healing sessions. This church's pastor had committed adultery years ago before he found Christ, he dressed like a businessman (like my adopted father), and his wife had forgiven him. She was a strong, confident, loving woman, but they both intimidated me. They had just asked if anyone needed healing to come up and receive it. The pastor and his wife were one of the options. One I did not want. A sister I trust dearly told me to go to them for prayer. I was shaking. When I went up without me telling them, they knew I needed more healing than just the adultery. They led me to confess out loud that I forgive each one of them by name, then they had me ask for their blessings, not enough, they had me ask for the Lord to bless them abundantly. Wow, that was hard. However, when I left that night, I felt more freedom, the Lord began removing the layers of the onion peel. The Lord also showed me how amazing, trustworthy, and loving these people, that just before scared me, truly were.
Walking that out. See then every time I would get mad at my husband for cheating, or question his every move, the devil would come in and say you have not forgiven them, you are not capable of forgiving them. Then I would feel guilty because I couldn't do what Christ was asking me to do. It was a vicious cycle. Then it came to me, ask the Lord to guide you through forgiveness. See all this time I thought I was doing something wrong, I wasn't praying hard enough, whatever..... Finally, I said to the Lord, I am sorry I just can't do this on my own, I have tried everything, I can't, I am just too weak, not strong enough. That is when it all turned around. All I had to do was ask. I was then led to the right scripture, the right people, the right books, most importantly, He was changing me from the inside out.
I have forgiven all of them. I love them all. I pray the Lord blesses them with repentance, forgiveness, and they understand all His love. I do not give in to resentments, anger, hopelessness, etc. If I do get attacked, I put on the full armor of God. If I slip so far, God will catch me.
I do not live my life for them. I live my life for the Lord. I am so much stronger, and peaceful, my ability to love and be loved is a miracle.
Dear Lord, reveal any unforgiveness in us and lead us to complete forgiveness, and set us free.
Here is a favorite quote I have heard: Unforgiveness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
After the abandonment of a biological father, the sexual abuse from two men, an adopted father that was full of rage, alcoholic, and emotionally abusive, an ex-husband that tried to kill me, cheated on me, then a current husband that cheated on me HOW? And a lot of I deserve to feel sorry for myself, rage, anger, unworthiness, hopelessness, and vengeance. I almost felt comfortable being miserable. I was used to betrayal and all the feelings I stated. That was my life. I couldn't imagine another way.
A little background on how I conducted my life. I flipped between trying to be so perfect, to trying to be so bad. I was always trying to get the approval of men or push them so far away they could not hurt me. I tried for a couple of years to be as wild and crazy as I could be. Stories I couldn't even put here. Sexually permissive, drugs, drinking, risk-taking, the list goes on forever. Then I still had the feelings of failure. I had been given all advantages, private schools, etc., and still a failure. Still unworthy of any man's love. PLEASE SEE HOW I CONTINUED TO FEED THE WOUNDS, GIVING MY LIFE OVER TO THOSE THAT HURT ME. I spent my life either trying to impress them or humiliate them.
Now when my husband cheated on me it all came to a head. I was not functioning, feeling in I am unlovable.
One night I went to one of the monthly healing sessions. This church's pastor had committed adultery years ago before he found Christ, he dressed like a businessman (like my adopted father), and his wife had forgiven him. She was a strong, confident, loving woman, but they both intimidated me. They had just asked if anyone needed healing to come up and receive it. The pastor and his wife were one of the options. One I did not want. A sister I trust dearly told me to go to them for prayer. I was shaking. When I went up without me telling them, they knew I needed more healing than just the adultery. They led me to confess out loud that I forgive each one of them by name, then they had me ask for their blessings, not enough, they had me ask for the Lord to bless them abundantly. Wow, that was hard. However, when I left that night, I felt more freedom, the Lord began removing the layers of the onion peel. The Lord also showed me how amazing, trustworthy, and loving these people, that just before scared me, truly were.
Walking that out. See then every time I would get mad at my husband for cheating, or question his every move, the devil would come in and say you have not forgiven them, you are not capable of forgiving them. Then I would feel guilty because I couldn't do what Christ was asking me to do. It was a vicious cycle. Then it came to me, ask the Lord to guide you through forgiveness. See all this time I thought I was doing something wrong, I wasn't praying hard enough, whatever..... Finally, I said to the Lord, I am sorry I just can't do this on my own, I have tried everything, I can't, I am just too weak, not strong enough. That is when it all turned around. All I had to do was ask. I was then led to the right scripture, the right people, the right books, most importantly, He was changing me from the inside out.
I have forgiven all of them. I love them all. I pray the Lord blesses them with repentance, forgiveness, and they understand all His love. I do not give in to resentments, anger, hopelessness, etc. If I do get attacked, I put on the full armor of God. If I slip so far, God will catch me.
I do not live my life for them. I live my life for the Lord. I am so much stronger, and peaceful, my ability to love and be loved is a miracle.
Dear Lord, reveal any unforgiveness in us and lead us to complete forgiveness, and set us free.
Reminds me of one time I was accused of doing something that I hadn't done....of some Christians. And as I went from them, I was very sad inside about it all....and then a cry from my heart went up to God "Father, please help me to forgive, love and bless them!"
) Hallelujah!
