Silas
Beloved of All
The weight and weariness in your letter is heard, and the depth of pain you are carrying is not overlooked by God. You described feeling broken, hopeless, exhausted, embarrassed and worthless, with your body and mind under constant strain, sleep and appetite disrupted, headaches and stomach trouble, anxiety and panic, and the swings of highs and lows coming more often and more severely. You also carry the long wound of family abuse and the disappointment of reaching out for help and feeling misled and dismissed. It is understandable that you feel vulnerable and unprotected, and that the coming holidays feel especially heavy.
Scripture gives language for this kind of place. One prophet described himself as a man who had seen affliction, who felt his strength and hope had perished, whose soul was downcast within him. He was at the bottom, with no way out that he could see. Hopelessness is at the root of that kind of depression, the sense that nothing can change and no help is coming. Yet in that very pit he made a deliberate turn in his thinking. He said, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. He chose to set his mind on the character of the Lord instead of only on his circumstances. He remembered that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. That does not mean the circumstances immediately changed, but his perspective changed because he looked away from himself and onto the Lord.
That movement of the mind matters. We can think ourselves deeper into despair by rehearsing only what is wrong and what we cannot do. Or we can renew our minds by remembering who God is and what He has promised. Rejoicing in the Lord is not the same as rejoicing in hard circumstances. You can weep over your circumstances and still rejoice in the Lord because He remains faithful, present, and compassionate when everything else feels unstable.
You wondered if you are being punished for seeking professional help, or for not having enough faith to be healed without it. Seeking help for your health, including for your mind and body, is not a failure of faith. God is not punishing you for trying to care for the life He gave you. Doctors and counselors are means God can use, and needing help does not mean you have disappointed Him. You also questioned whether your prayers are working against you. God is not working against you when you pray. He hears you, and His silence or a painful answer is not rejection. Fear and despair have a way of magnifying what we see and making it feel like the whole truth, when it is only part of what God is doing. If we could see the whole story as He sees it, we would often respond very differently. He has not marked you for wandering without protection. In Christ you are not cursed or abandoned. You are seen, known, and held, even when you feel exposed and alone.
You also came to that place the apostle Paul described, the cry of O wretched man that I am. There is a great difference between asking how can I deliver myself and asking who will deliver me. The first keeps the burden on our own ability and ends in exhaustion. The second turns us to a deliverer outside ourselves. God often allows us to come to the end of our own strength not to shame us, but so that we will stop trusting in ourselves and receive the victory He gives through Jesus Christ, and so that He alone receives the glory for sustaining us. That does not mean your struggle is your fault, it means the help you need is not found in trying harder, but in trusting the One who has promised to never leave you.
It is also painful to feel let down by those you hoped would help. You were told to expect several people and then met with only one, you shared your situation fully and were given hope for one kind of help and then offered a different kind that would actually cost you more and leave you with added burdens of furniture and utilities. It makes sense that you feel frustrated and overlooked, especially when you are already stretched so thin financially and have bills due with very little left. The church is called to care for those in need with generosity and wisdom, and it is right to feel hurt when care feels inconsistent. At the same time, God Himself is not in financial crisis and is not dependent on any congregation to rescue you. Your hope is not ultimately in whether an institution can meet the need, but in the Lord who owns all things and who can provide in many ways. That does not minimize the real pressure you face right now with housing and bills, it simply places the weight of your hope on a more sure foundation.
You mentioned feeling that all you have believed for more than fifty five years has become skewed, yet you still believe in Jesus, in God, in the Holy Trinity, the virgin birth, the Bible, the crucifixion, the ascension, and the return of Christ. That continued faith, even while weary and questioning, is precious. The truth that God has a plan and works all things for good does not mean that everything that happens is good, or that you will see the good immediately. It means that in the hands of a sovereign and loving God, even painful and confusing things can be woven into His good purposes for those who love Him, and that He will not waste your suffering.
You wrote about feeling that death would be painless while dying is painful, and that it might be better if your life ended soon, that you are running on autopilot until the plane crashes. Those thoughts are a sign of how heavy this burden has become, and they deserve immediate care. You are not worthless or a burden for lingering. Your life has value because you are made in the image of God and because Christ has loved you and given Himself for you. Please do not stay alone with these thoughts. Reach out right away to a trusted person, a pastor, a counselor, a doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area, and let someone know how deeply you are struggling. If you have medical providers, please also talk with them about the physical symptoms, the sleep apnea, the headaches, the stomach issues, and the exhaustion, so they can help you address your health.
You spoke of missing little victories, hobbies you once loved like photography, art, creative writing and making Christmas cards, and friendships and reassurance you once knew. Those good gifts are not gone forever because God is the giver of joy and peace. Joy in Scripture is not dependent on ideal circumstances but on nearness to Christ. As you are able, in very small steps, ask the Lord to restore to you a sense of His presence day by day, and to open even small opportunities for rest, creativity, and connection.
God has not forgotten you. He sees the years of abuse you endured, the long efforts to heal, the disappointment of treatments that did not bring the relief you hoped for, and the daily grind of trying to keep going. He is not adding punishment upon your past wounds. He is the one who binds up the brokenhearted and who promises that those who wait on Him will renew their strength.
I am praying for you, that the Lord will lift your eyes to Himself, remind you of His mercies that are new every morning, quiet the fear and panic with His peace, provide for your practical needs for housing and finances, guide you to safe and caring people who will walk with you, and give you rest for your body and mind. I am praying that you will experience, even in this hard season, that God is for you, and that as you recall His faithfulness to your mind, hope will rise again, not because your circumstances are easy, but because He is faithful and present with you through them.
If you are ever feeling unsafe with thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help immediately by contacting a local emergency service, going to your nearest emergency department, or calling or texting a crisis helpline where you are. You do not have to carry this alone.
Scripture gives language for this kind of place. One prophet described himself as a man who had seen affliction, who felt his strength and hope had perished, whose soul was downcast within him. He was at the bottom, with no way out that he could see. Hopelessness is at the root of that kind of depression, the sense that nothing can change and no help is coming. Yet in that very pit he made a deliberate turn in his thinking. He said, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. He chose to set his mind on the character of the Lord instead of only on his circumstances. He remembered that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. That does not mean the circumstances immediately changed, but his perspective changed because he looked away from himself and onto the Lord.
That movement of the mind matters. We can think ourselves deeper into despair by rehearsing only what is wrong and what we cannot do. Or we can renew our minds by remembering who God is and what He has promised. Rejoicing in the Lord is not the same as rejoicing in hard circumstances. You can weep over your circumstances and still rejoice in the Lord because He remains faithful, present, and compassionate when everything else feels unstable.
You wondered if you are being punished for seeking professional help, or for not having enough faith to be healed without it. Seeking help for your health, including for your mind and body, is not a failure of faith. God is not punishing you for trying to care for the life He gave you. Doctors and counselors are means God can use, and needing help does not mean you have disappointed Him. You also questioned whether your prayers are working against you. God is not working against you when you pray. He hears you, and His silence or a painful answer is not rejection. Fear and despair have a way of magnifying what we see and making it feel like the whole truth, when it is only part of what God is doing. If we could see the whole story as He sees it, we would often respond very differently. He has not marked you for wandering without protection. In Christ you are not cursed or abandoned. You are seen, known, and held, even when you feel exposed and alone.
You also came to that place the apostle Paul described, the cry of O wretched man that I am. There is a great difference between asking how can I deliver myself and asking who will deliver me. The first keeps the burden on our own ability and ends in exhaustion. The second turns us to a deliverer outside ourselves. God often allows us to come to the end of our own strength not to shame us, but so that we will stop trusting in ourselves and receive the victory He gives through Jesus Christ, and so that He alone receives the glory for sustaining us. That does not mean your struggle is your fault, it means the help you need is not found in trying harder, but in trusting the One who has promised to never leave you.
It is also painful to feel let down by those you hoped would help. You were told to expect several people and then met with only one, you shared your situation fully and were given hope for one kind of help and then offered a different kind that would actually cost you more and leave you with added burdens of furniture and utilities. It makes sense that you feel frustrated and overlooked, especially when you are already stretched so thin financially and have bills due with very little left. The church is called to care for those in need with generosity and wisdom, and it is right to feel hurt when care feels inconsistent. At the same time, God Himself is not in financial crisis and is not dependent on any congregation to rescue you. Your hope is not ultimately in whether an institution can meet the need, but in the Lord who owns all things and who can provide in many ways. That does not minimize the real pressure you face right now with housing and bills, it simply places the weight of your hope on a more sure foundation.
You mentioned feeling that all you have believed for more than fifty five years has become skewed, yet you still believe in Jesus, in God, in the Holy Trinity, the virgin birth, the Bible, the crucifixion, the ascension, and the return of Christ. That continued faith, even while weary and questioning, is precious. The truth that God has a plan and works all things for good does not mean that everything that happens is good, or that you will see the good immediately. It means that in the hands of a sovereign and loving God, even painful and confusing things can be woven into His good purposes for those who love Him, and that He will not waste your suffering.
You wrote about feeling that death would be painless while dying is painful, and that it might be better if your life ended soon, that you are running on autopilot until the plane crashes. Those thoughts are a sign of how heavy this burden has become, and they deserve immediate care. You are not worthless or a burden for lingering. Your life has value because you are made in the image of God and because Christ has loved you and given Himself for you. Please do not stay alone with these thoughts. Reach out right away to a trusted person, a pastor, a counselor, a doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area, and let someone know how deeply you are struggling. If you have medical providers, please also talk with them about the physical symptoms, the sleep apnea, the headaches, the stomach issues, and the exhaustion, so they can help you address your health.
You spoke of missing little victories, hobbies you once loved like photography, art, creative writing and making Christmas cards, and friendships and reassurance you once knew. Those good gifts are not gone forever because God is the giver of joy and peace. Joy in Scripture is not dependent on ideal circumstances but on nearness to Christ. As you are able, in very small steps, ask the Lord to restore to you a sense of His presence day by day, and to open even small opportunities for rest, creativity, and connection.
God has not forgotten you. He sees the years of abuse you endured, the long efforts to heal, the disappointment of treatments that did not bring the relief you hoped for, and the daily grind of trying to keep going. He is not adding punishment upon your past wounds. He is the one who binds up the brokenhearted and who promises that those who wait on Him will renew their strength.
I am praying for you, that the Lord will lift your eyes to Himself, remind you of His mercies that are new every morning, quiet the fear and panic with His peace, provide for your practical needs for housing and finances, guide you to safe and caring people who will walk with you, and give you rest for your body and mind. I am praying that you will experience, even in this hard season, that God is for you, and that as you recall His faithfulness to your mind, hope will rise again, not because your circumstances are easy, but because He is faithful and present with you through them.
If you are ever feeling unsafe with thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help immediately by contacting a local emergency service, going to your nearest emergency department, or calling or texting a crisis helpline where you are. You do not have to carry this alone.
