Broken, Hopeless, and Exhausted

[Anonymous]

The church that ignored my three requests for financial assistance suddenly contacted me and set up a meeting. They said they were "so moved by my three letters". I was told there would be people from the prayer team and the benevolence group and a pastor. It was only one person; some young college guy. We met for over ninety minutes. He asked alot of questions and I laid everything out verbally and written. He also had my three letters. He suggested that they may pay for two months of my hotel bill. I told him that would be a tremendous help as it would free up alot of money for my current needs and provide the boost I needed that would go a long way. Four days later I finally heard back from them via a five minute phone call. He said they decided that they wouldn't help me unless I moved into an apartment. What?! He explained that they would pay for the first and last month's rent and the security deposit. I reminded him that even with that, I would still have to pay rent PLUS utilities each month. That's more than I can afford. In the long run, the hotel room with a kitchenette is more affordable, especially since I don't have to pay for utilities separately. Besides, if I moved into an apartment, I would have to buy furniture like a bed, a table, and something to sit on. He said "It's not ". This is obviously a spoiled young man of privilege and thinks that he is entitled and people like me aren't. There should have been a pastor there. I doubt that any of the pastors were made aware and where was everyone else who I was lead to believe were going to be there. I wondered if he was the only who reviewed my situation. I can't believe that a church with five metro Denver campuses couldn't afford to help me, especially when he lead me to believe that they might pay my hotel bill for w months. Just like y'all mentioned before, this is a church without true Christian authenticity. I got paid yesterday and have three major bills due by Saturday. After paying them, I will have less than two hundred dollars left in my account to last for the next five days. My stress, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, sudden heavy feelings of doom and despair, nervousness, bipolarism, headaches, abdominal pains, digestive issues, Acid Reflux, GERD, Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS), floor pacing, and constant stress is exponentially worsening the loner all this goes on. The Bipolar highs and lows are more frequent and the extremes are much worse and extensive. I'm having trouble thinking and concentrating. I'm having constant headaches and taking pain relievers throughout the day and before bed, as well as antacids tough out there day and at night. I am not sleeping well nor eating well. I'm on the tightest hole in my belt and am still having to keep pulling my pants up on my waist. On my days off I stay in bed for twelve hours or more, and still always feel tired and exhausted. I stay in my hotel room because I don't want to be seen. I feel so embarrassed, shameful, alienated, worthless, hopeless, targeted, and hapless...just like when I was growing up. Like I've said before, all the years of professional help from therapists (Christian and non-Christian) was all a waste of time, especially the desperate treatment of ECT for multiple sessions each week for six weeks. That may have caused irreparable damage and now I have to live with that as well. I tried to do the right things, but as seems to happen most of the time, my efforts backfires on me. Everything I believed and learned in my more than fifty five years of being a Christian has become skewed. I'm still a believe in Jesus Christ, God, heaven and hell, the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Birth, the Bible, the crucifixion, the ascension, the Rapture, etc. I still pray about things and others, but it seems like when I pray about things that affect me, it works against me. I feel like I have to be passive and just shut up and take it just like I had to during all the abuse by my family growing up. If I hadn't cut off communications with my siblings a few years ago they would still be sending multiple emails, text messages, and phone messages of hatred towards me. And they still have the audacity to claim they are still Christians and are justified in hating me openly and freely. But it seems like I'm still being harassed, hated, abused, punished, and cursed by everything that's been going on relentlessly over the last several years. Cain was cursed to wander but God still marked him with protection by The Mark of Cain and he committed murder. I feel so unprotected and extremely vulnerable. I have no protection and seemingly no one to watch my back. It's not just the major things happening. There are lots of little things in the fringes that build and cause additional chaos with the chaos. Does God think my family didn't abuse and punish me enough? I went through decades of professional therapy because I believed it was a good investment in myself and my mental health and that God would bless me for trying to be proactive and for taking care of my mental health. It seems it was all for naut and that I am actually being punished for, maybe, not having enough faith to believe God would heal me from all that abuse. Isn't that what doctors are for? I sure would love to have some happiness, joy, hope, peace, fun, "little victories", accomplishments, reassurance, confidence, finances, and friends I had once long ago. I sure would love to have my hobbies again (like photography, art, and creative writing). I used to create my on Christmas cards with my photography and poetry but those days were taken away long ago, especially since I have no one to send cards to anymore. Plus, I don't have the money anymore to afford to do any of that anymore. The worst time of year for me is coming up - Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is the time hat I did most of my creative writing. My siblings used to like it. You all always talk about God having a plan and that all things work out for good. I understand; you have to say that because of what you do here. I'm sure you all are sincere and really pray for that for people. But, just look around you. All things do not always work out for good. I am always hopeful, but also realistic. I still believe in miracles and always hope for some, but again, I am still realistic. There have been times when I believed things would work out, but then experienced disappointment. These last several years are not building faith and hope, but actually destroying it...why? Why would God save me so many times throughout my life, only to have my life implode and destroy me like this in such a long, drawn out, and crushing way? Death is painless, it's dying that's so painful. Actually, I never thought I would still be alive today. I should have been dead long ago and now I'm paying the price for still hanging on and loitering all these dead, but chaotic years. Since the gator didn't get me fifty nine years ago in that Florida lake, maybe my sleep apnea will finally do the job...the sooner, the better! Actually, it could all end when my money runs out; possibly as soon as next week. I have nothing left in me. I have nothing to work with. I'm basically running on auto pilot, or what psychologists call the DMN (Default Mode Network) until the plane crashes. I can no longer pretend to be happy and I am so exhausted.

 

[Articles]

We have read your words carefully and we carry your burden before the Lord with you in Jesus' name. We hear how exhausted you are, how deeply disappointed you were by that meeting at the church, how heavy your financial pressure is right now with bills due and less than two hundred dollars to live on, and how your body and mind are suffering under constant stress, anxiety, panic, headaches, digestive pain, acid reflux, restless legs, poor sleep, poor appetite, weight loss, and the frequent highs and lows you describe. We also hear the long history of family abuse, the pain of cutting off your siblings, the disappointment of years of therapy and ECT, and the heaviness you feel as Thanksgiving and Christmas approach. We do not take any of this lightly and we are praying for you.

We want to gently and lovingly correct a few things that have taken root in your heart under this weight, because we want truth to bring you relief. When that young man met with you alone after you were told a team and a pastor would be there, and when the offer changed from help with your hotel to only help if you moved into an apartment, it is understandable you felt misled and dismissed. We would encourage you not to settle into bitterness or to judge his heart as spoiled or entitled. We do not know his motives or the church's policies, and benevolence decisions are often made by committees with limited funds and rules we cannot see. Jesus says in Matthew 7:1-2, Do not judge, so that you will not be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged. That church may have failed to communicate with care and that is wrong, but we encourage you to release that judgment to the Lord and to forgive, so that bitterness does not take deeper root in you. Hebrews 12:15 warns that a root of bitterness can trouble us and defile many.

We also hear you wondering if God is punishing you, if He thinks your family did not punish you enough, if seeking therapy showed a lack of faith, and if prayer is working against you. That is not who God is. God does not tempt or abuse His children. James 1:17 says Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom can be no variation nor turning shadow. Your years of seeking help through Christian and non-Christian therapists were not a waste and were not a failure of faith. Luke, the author of one of the Gospels, was a physician, Colossians 4:14, and God often works through doctors, counselors, and medicine as part of His mercy. ECT and other treatments may have left you with disappointment and even harm, but God is still able to heal and sustain you, and seeking help is not a sin. And prayer is not working against you. God hears you when you pray in Jesus' name. Psalm 34:18 says Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. 1 Peter 5:7 says casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.

You mentioned that all things do not always work out for good and that we have to say that because of what we do. We understand why you feel that way after so much disappointment, but we say it because Scripture says it and because it is true, not because we must. Romans 8:28 says We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose. That does not mean all things are good. Abuse, financial hardship, illness, and rejection are not good. It means that for those who love Him, God Himself is at work to bring good even through painful things. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future.

We must also speak lovingly about the thoughts of death and the feeling that it would be better if sleep apnea or running out of money ended your life, that you are running on autopilot until the plane crashes, that death is painless and dying is painful. Your life is precious to God. You were not spared from that lake fifty nine years ago to be destroyed now in a long crushing way. The enemy wants you to believe you are worthless, shameful, targeted, and unprotected, but that is a lie. 1 Peter 5:8 says your adversary, the devil, walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. You are not cursed like Cain. The mark of Cain was a specific act of God in Genesis, not a pattern for your life. In Christ, you are not cursed. Galatians 3:13 says Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us. Psalm 139:13-14 says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Isaiah 41:10 says Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

We are concerned about how your body is responding to this prolonged stress, the constant headaches requiring pain relievers, the antacids day and night, the weight loss where you are on the tightest hole in your belt, the twelve hours in bed yet still exhausted, the trouble thinking and concentrating, the pacing and isolation in your hotel room because you do not want to be seen. These are signs that you need care right away. Please do not stay isolated. We encourage you to reach out today to a trusted medical provider for your physical symptoms, sleep apnea, GERD, headaches, and weight loss, and to a trusted pastor or Christian counselor for your depression, anxiety, panic, and bipolar symptoms, and to a safe person who can check on you regularly. Staying in your room and staying in bed will only deepen the isolation. Hebrews 10:25 encourages us not to forsake assembling together. Even a short walk, a phone call, a church service, or sitting in a public place can help break the cycle. If you ever feel you may harm yourself, please reach out immediately to a trusted person, your doctor, a pastor, or a crisis help line in your area. We want you to live.

Regarding finances, we understand your reasoning that the hotel with a kitchenette and utilities included is more affordable than an apartment with rent plus utilities and furniture. That may be true in your situation. We encourage you to share that calmly and in writing with that church again, and also to seek other local churches, community assistance, and social service agencies in the Denver area who may help with hotel assistance or emergency bills. Philippians 4:19 says My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 says In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. Keep bringing your practical needs to God and to people who can help, without shame. Psalm 61:2 says When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

You said you still believe in Jesus Christ, God, heaven and hell, the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Birth, the Bible, the crucifixion, the ascension, the Rapture, and that you still pray. We thank God for that confession. It is only through Jesus that we have access to God and salvation. John 14:6 says Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. Acts 4:12 says There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved. Hold fast to Him even when you do not feel Him. Your feelings of doom and despair are real, but they are not the truth about your standing with God. Lamentations 3:22-23 says It is because of Yahweh's loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his mercies do not fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.

We also hear your grief over losing your hobbies, photography, art, creative writing, making your own Christmas cards with your poetry. Those gifts came from God and they still matter. Even in a small way, we encourage you to take one small step to use them again, not to earn worth, but because you are still the person God created with those gifts. And regarding your siblings, while boundaries and cutting off communication may have been necessary to protect yourself from hatred, we encourage you to continue to release them to God and to ask Him to help you forgive from the heart, not to justify what they did, but to free your own heart. Mark 11:25 says Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone.

We are praying together for you now.

Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ, lifting up this dear brother who is broken, hopeless, and exhausted. Lord, You see his financial need, the bills due by Saturday, the less than two hundred dollars left, the fear of running out, the hotel room that is his home, the disappointment with that church. You see his body, the headaches, abdominal pain, GERD, restless legs, poor sleep, poor appetite, weight loss, and exhaustion. You see his mind, the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, heavy feelings of doom, bipolar highs and lows, trouble thinking and concentrating, and the history of abuse and painful therapy. Have mercy on him, Lord. Psalm 147:3 says You heal the broken in heart, and bind up their wounds. Do that for him now.

Lord, forgive him for judging that young man and help him to forgive that church and his family. Guard his heart from bitterness and shame. Show him he is not worthless or alienated, but loved and valued. Matthew 11:28 says Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Give him rest, sleep that restores, food that nourishes, and peace that surpasses understanding. Provide for his financial needs in a way that is truly sustainable, open doors for assistance, wisdom for stewardship, and people who will watch his back and walk with him. Lead him to caring medical help and to fellowship where he is seen and not hidden. Restore to him little victories, hope, joy, and even his creative gifts in small steps. Remind him that You have a plan for his life, that You have saved him for a purpose, and that You will never leave him nor forsake him, Hebrews 13:5. Protect him from the enemy's lies and from thoughts of death, and let him know his life is precious and needed. We ask this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our only hope and Savior, amen.

 

[hostadmin]

If you are in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You are not alone and trained people are ready to help right now.

We are so grateful you reached out and told us honestly how exhausted and heavy everything feels. The meeting with the church sounds deeply disappointing, especially after waiting and hoping, being told to expect a team and then sitting for ninety minutes with one person, and then hearing an option that does not fit your actual costs with rent and utilities and furniture. It makes sense that would leave you feeling overlooked and more alone.

We also hear how tight things are right now with three bills due by Saturday and less than two hundred dollars to last, and how worn down your body and mind feel with headaches, stomach pain, poor sleep and appetite, weight loss, pacing, and the frequent highs and lows. With so much going on physically and emotionally, we gently encourage you to reach out soon to a medical provider or trusted professional in person, alongside prayer, so you do not carry this alone and can get care and support close by.

You are not forgotten by God, even when prayer feels like it is working against you and the holidays feel especially heavy.

Father, in Jesus name we bring our brother before you. You see his exhaustion, his financial need, and his pain. Give him protection, rest, wisdom for each next decision, and people nearby who will stand with him. Keep him safe today and help him sense you are near. Amen.

 

[Violetblue]

Praying for you that our Lord will intervene and bring you the happiness and peace you deserve. Prayers for your situation to improve and that God will place someone in your path to help with your hotel bill.
Also, praying for your health and safety; may the Lord bring you relief from all the stress, anxiety and depression. I am sorry for all that you’re experiencing - will continue praying for you in the name of Jesus.

 

[EnricoLange]

Praying for this request in Jesus Name.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your letter has been read with heaviness of heart and with prayer, and the extent of your affliction is not overlooked by the Lord who hears the cries of the weary. To be pressed by financial want, to have hope lifted and then cast down by those from whom you sought help, to carry in body and mind such pain as sleeplessness, headaches, digestive distress, anxiety and the swift changes of bipolar highs and lows, and to feel shame and isolation while keeping to your room, is a burden that would exhaust any soul. That you have endured so much, including cruel treatment in earlier years and the disappointment of treatments that did not bring relief, and still confess faith in Jesus Christ, in God the Father, the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Birth, the crucifixion and ascension, is itself a testimony that grace has kept you when you felt you could not keep yourself.

It is needful to deal honestly with God, as Scripture teaches. He desires truth in the inward parts, not a pretense of happiness when the heart is breaking. You need not pretend before Him. The Psalmist said, I declared my ways and You heard me, teach me Your statutes. You may tell the Lord plainly all your sorrow, your confusion, your fear, your anger at being overlooked, and your sense that prayer works against you. Confession in this sense is not a reciting of every detail as if God did not know, but a pouring out of the heart to the great High Priest who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities and who cannot be defiled by hearing our tale of sin and suffering. He invites such honesty.

You speak of feeling cursed, unprotected, and vulnerable, as if the Lord had marked Cain for protection but left you without a mark. Hear the better word of the gospel. All things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself by Jesus Christ. We are either enemies by nature or reconciled by the death of His Son. There is no middle ground, and reconciliation is not achieved by man but is the work of God from first to last. The priesthood of Christ is confirmed by the oath of God, that by two immutable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation. His sacrifice, once offered, has forever put away sin and He ever lives to intercede, to save to the uttermost those who come to God by Him. If you are in Christ by simple faith, you are not cursed and wandering without a keeper. Christ was made a curse for us, and He cried, My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me, that you might never be truly forsaken. He was forsaken in that dark hour so that you, even when you feel forsaken and cannot sense His presence, are still held fast. The flag of faith is not nailed to the mast by our own resolve, but by the prayers and promises of God.

It is understandable that the meeting at the church and the later phone call left you wounded. To be told to expect a pastor and a team and to find one young man, to be led to hope for help with the hotel and then to be offered only a different kind of help that you cannot afford, with the added cost of utilities and furniture, would trouble any person. It does not help to ascribe motives to that young man, for we cannot see his heart, but your disappointment is real and it is right to name it. A church with many resources may still make decisions that feel unwise or unkind, and that failure belongs to men, not to Christ. Do not let the failure of men persuade you that Christ Himself has failed you. Seek again, if you are able, a steady pastoral presence, one faithful minister to whom you can speak face to face, not only letters and brief calls, and let him know both your material need and your spiritual heaviness.

You write that you are running on autopilot until the plane crashes, that sleep apnea or the running out of money may end all, and that the sooner the better. Those thoughts reveal how deep the exhaustion has become, and they must be met not with shame but with care. Your life is not loitering, and death is not a relief to be sought. The Lord who saved you from the lake in childhood has kept you for a purpose that is not yet fully seen, and the present crisis, though it feels endless, is an hour in which Jesus still passes by. The blind man by the wayside heard that Jesus of Nazareth passes by, and that was his hour of hope and of bestirring himself to cry out. O that God would stir you to pray again, not with eloquent words but with the cry, Jesus, have mercy on me. Though others may say hush, keep crying.

You also ask whether seeking therapy or medical help showed lack of faith and brought punishment. It did not. To use the help of physicians and counselors is not unbelief, any more than to use food when hungry. Faith does not refuse means, it walks before God using means with prayerful dependence, knowing that if grace left us we would go back to perdition. That treatments did not heal you as you hoped is not a sign that God is punishing you for trying. The Lord often allows long afflictions to remain, not because He delights in your pain, but because He is forming in you a deeper communion with Himself that cannot be had elsewhere. Genuine consecration begins with communion, with falling on the face before God and hearing Him speak.

You wonder whether all things work together for good can be true when so much looks not good at all. That promise is not that all things in themselves are good, nor that we will see the good quickly, but that for those who love God and are called according to His purpose, God in His wisdom and power overrules even bitter things for ultimate good, conforming us to the image of His Son. We see it only dimly now, as through a glass, but we may trust the oath of the Priest who never fails.

In these days, do not stay wholly alone in that room. Isolation feeds shame and despair. If you have a pastor, a doctor, a counselor, or one trusted person, let them know how thin your strength has become and how little remains after bills are paid. Continue under medical care for body and mind, for sleeplessness, pain, and the distress you describe need careful attention. Eat as regularly as you are able, keep a simple order of prayer and Scripture even if only a verse at a time, and ask God to plead your cause. He pleads the cause of His people either by silencing enemies or by raising up friends, and often by both in ways we do not expect.

If thoughts that it would be better to die press upon you strongly, please reach out at once to someone near you, to your pastor or physician, or call or text 988 in the United States to speak with someone now, and do not remain alone with those thoughts. Your life is precious to God.

May the Lord Himself be your portion in this strait. May He give you daily bread, quiet of mind, sleep that restores, and little victories that lift the heart. May He restore to you in His time the joys of your hobbies and the ability to create again, not as proof of His favor but as gifts from His hand. And above all, may you hear again His beseeching voice, as though God did beseech you by us, be reconciled to God, and know that being reconciled, you are kept.

We are praying for you, that the God who hears babes and sucklings cry Hosanna would hear your cry and answer with His presence, that the God who pleads the cause of the soul would plead yours in providence, and that Jesus Christ, your great High Priest ordained by oath, would hold you fast until this trial has wrought its appointed work.