I really appologize to evryone who prays for me but right now I just cant get with this. Who says these people actually wrote the bible ok. I was reading it daily. Why am I to believe these people. Miracles never happen to me. I asked for miracles. I am just really actually tired of living like this. I sit alone, I have no friends, I try to sit and live like the bible tells me to. Everyone sitting and smiling are the ones who dogged me, yes they have someone. I dont go out, I dont go anywhere, so this is living? I wear my feet out walking miles everyday ok. I lost my car. I dont know how I will pay rent ok. But you call this living. So the bible tells me to do all these things, what did I get, nothing. Ok so who am I living for, someone else. Im gonna live the rest of my life, secluded, because no one comes over or even calls. Im gonna do all this for what? Why should I listen to someone else tell me how to live. I know right from wrong. Pray, I have. I am carless, almost homeless, cant get to the store to spend my foodstamps because I dont have transportation or a ride and have to walk in the sun 3 miles, Im not doing that again, that looks really stupid. Im not gonna keep putting myself down to say I believe. Talk about church, they sit there and praise and praise, then after church they run out real quick afaid Im gonna ask for a ride to the busstop, these same people pass me up walking a mile and 1/2 to the busstop and dont even offer me a ride, so this is what the bible tells us? Oh please, the same person who claimed she was into the word was the same person who convinced me to change jobs. I wanted to buy this child a home. Now who is gonna give me a home. No matter how much I pray with that stupid repo on my credit, I wont get a home ok. I had it all planned out, get a home for this baby because daddy wont even let mommy step foot on the lawn of the home that is ours, he has another woman there. Life is so boring just locking myself in the house. I walk and walk, I know I look stupid. 1/2 the women at school dont speak because I look so pathetic, I wear the same jeans and blouse every week, they look down on me, no one wants to give me a ride, they all know I dont have a car but yet they run out of school so quick to make sure I dont ask for a ride, like this is killing them. By the time I get to the front of the school, they are gone, whereas when I had a car they would stand around and talk. Im doing all this praising so I could go somewhere when I die? So Im sitting here living for when I die? Its ok to sit and walk 12 miles round trip, to have no friends, sit alone in the house all day because you have no car and no money to do anything not even with your child, and all this for when I die. Im sorry right now I cant believe and tired of looking stupid to the world because of stupid mistakes I made. No Im not blaming GOD but if he cared about me then why did he not stop me from changing jobs and losing everything. He didnt stop them from taking my car, they repossessed it anyway. You know when the good happens you want to say its GOD, when the bad happens you want to say its the enemy and GOD is letting me go thru this. Tell me are you gonna let your children go thru bad things and lose everything and then turn around and say I did it because I love them. Please dont give me this ok. Show me a miracle. A miracle is getting a job today that I like a freakin stupid dummy left, a miracle is someone handing me a new car that wont break down, a miracle is money coming from no where that I didnt expect, a miracle is your ex appologizing for putting you out of your home. So show me these miracles. So far I havent seen any. No thats a miracle. Walking til your feet hurts and cant stand to fix your child dinner, thats not a miracle. Then Im told if I believe that a the Lord will work miracles, so far Ive sat here for almost a year, lost apartments, got evicted, slept in the car, but I guess thats a miracle. Now I may have to leave my child to go work out of town, and lose custody, so thats a miracle right. If I believe, I was for months on end, nothing happened. You say in His time it will happen, well guys I have waited months, almost a year, nothing has happened, Im going down, and sick and tired of borrowing money to pay rent, I cant pay this money back. So show me a miracle. Ill believe in miracles when my job turns to me and said we are reconsidering hiring you ok, not you are not eligible for rehire. Thats a miracle to me, not sitting without work. So when I see this I will believe it. It says ask for what you want in my Name, I did, I claimed it in His name, guess what it didnt happen, then you guys have an excuse for that one. When I ask for things it doenst happen. Guess what guys, I will believe when I see my job back ok, til then I cant. You say He gives me what he wants to. So I ask in His name and it said I will recive it, but yet I do that and it doesnt happen, then you say He doenst want that for me, so what is the point of asking for it. Come on you got me mixed up, its always an excuse when the things you love are taken away, like your relationship, you love someone and its gone, so I guess thats a miracle ok. Tired of living for this believing thing ok. It doesnet happen. If I see a miracle with my job I will believe, but not until. So dont tell me Im wrong. I just cant believe in things that dont happen ok.
