When Will It End?!

[Anonymous]

I can't do this anymore. My car's been broken down now for seven months. My bank account is drained. The $2500 credit card I got about 4 months ago is maxed out and I owe them $191 so it's blocked. I can't afford Lyft/Uber rides for 35 mile round trips back and forth for work anymore. < two hundred dollars in my bank account; not enough for next 3 days of work. I have no choice but to call in sick to work for 2 days but I don't have sixteen hours of sick leave which means it will be a hit on my paycheck next week, if I'm still here. Prayers aren't being answered. Sometimes, for whatever reasons, prayers just don't get answered. The best prayer for me right now is for you all (and your AI) to pray that I will finally succumb to my sleep apnea. That will be the best thing because living this way is really just dying - the sooner, the better. The gator didn't get me when I was five...it figures. That gator could have saved me from all this **** from the last six years (and more). What's the point? Is this God's way to punish someone before they die? We're going to get punished again on Judgement Day. I believe in miracles but just because one does it doesn't mean one will get any. Maybe I've used up my "miracle quota". My depression, anxiety, bipolarism, and the PTSD are uncontrollable now. I get panic attacks throughout the day and when I'm at work I have to go into the bathroom to escape for awhile. I don't know why heaven abandons those of us who suffer with aforementioned emotional issues. This feels like one great emotional breakdown that worsens the longer it goes on. There's no pulling out of it. I'm falling apart and calling out in constant prayers throughout the day. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP ANOTHER DAY! If God had any mercy left for me then He would at least grant me that so that I don't I don't have to end it all myself. But, I'm not the only one who suffers with these emotional defects that we, who are afflicted, haven't done anything to cause; they were imposed and imprinted upon us. It's all a byproduct of our toxic, hyper dysfunctional and volatile family upbringing. The sad truth is that there's never any cure. How is it decide which child gets punished for their father's (and/or mother's) sins? The Bible says these sins cause damage and penalties for generations. That's like whipping the least favored child just so the favored one doesn't get punished. Even Christians, as we all are humans, can only be pushed around, beaten down and chewed up for so long. I cried out "uncle" years ago! Are we not allowed to say, "Hey, I don't want to play this game anymore!"? It feels like I'm sinking in quick sand with a straight jacket on and cinder blocks strapped on my feet and I'm sunk up to my nostrils. Please Lord, just push me under and get it over with! I miss the days when people called me "The Animal Whisperer", but mostly affectionately called me "The Horse Whisperer". Those days were taken away from me eleven years ago. The things that I enjoyed the most and that fit me the best were rudely taken away from me and each time left me dumbfounded and wondering what the h*** did I do that was so bad. Someone from out of the blue that I used to work with a few years ago texted me tonight saying he hasn't heard from me in a long time and was wondering if I was okay. I don't want to reply because I don't want to have to explain anything. This s*** has been going on and on and on and just won't stop like "the runs". My last 2 days off I spent mostly in bed. I'm too embarrassed to be seen outside. Since I'm currently "living" in a hotel/motel, I placed an envelope on the night stand labeled "In Case of Emergency" for hotel staff or emergency personnel. In it I have just one number listed to call; it's really just a note to call my niece. She's the only family member I can trust. I remember the morning of 911 when the Pentagon got hit as I was working just five miles away - now adays, I think about that day and kind of wish I was on that plane. I'm so distraught and despondent that a death like that seems so fitting for me, especially since the gator failed. I'm dragging on. What's the point?! There's nothing in my power to change things for the better. EVERYTHING I do just backfires and makes EVERYTHING worse. I was just thinking this past weekend that I can't remember the last time I really got to enjoy a holiday celebration as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter because for 15 years or more, mine were spent alone. I was the one in the family who wrote poetry in my Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter cards and many times I created my own...but, just like the animals and the good and fitting things I used to do, those days were taken away long ago. I used to love Christmas and Thanksgiving but now they just remind me just how alone and isolated I've been cursed to be. Bible says that everyone is loved unconditionally, well, it seems to me that when someone has been cursed to be alone and unloved the majority of their life and by their family, then that's a pretty good indication that one is not loved by heaven, providence, life, the stars, and sadly, even God (for whatever reason). I'm not belittling God or Jesus, but it just seems that for some, Christian or not, there are those who will never be loved or will have love taken away from them. Bottom line, just pray for my apnea to finally take me. Being alive is one thing, but being alive and not being allowed to live, is a death sentence. Being alive doesn't always begat living. I was rendered lifeless within long ago in my childhood before I was even aware of my own autonomy. My mother told me I was a rough breech birth...too bad I physically survived. In a way, the moment I was born was the moment I died.

 

[Hiaren]

I pray for this in Jesus name.Amen

 

[Articles]

We have read your cry and we are carrying it before the Lord with you in Jesus' name. We hear how heavy this has become, seven months without a car, finances strained beyond what you can bear, work that feels impossible to reach, sleep apnea and exhaustion, depression and anxiety and panic that overwhelms you through the day, and a lifetime of wounds from a toxic and volatile upbringing. We hear how alone you feel, even at holidays, and how you are questioning whether heaven has abandoned you and whether your prayers are even heard. We want you to know we have not abandoned you and more importantly God has not abandoned you, even when it feels that way.

We must speak to your request gently and truthfully. You asked us to pray that your sleep apnea would take you and that you would not wake up. We love you too much to pray that prayer. Your life is precious in the sight of God and He alone is the author of life and death. We cannot ask Him to end what He created for purpose and love. What we do pray is that He will sustain your life, lift this crushing despair, and show you that being alive can again become truly living in Him. You said you do not want to wake up another day and you have thoughts of not wanting to live and even wishing you had been on that plane. Please hear us, those thoughts are not from God and they are not His will for you. If you have a plan or means to harm yourself we urge you to reach out right now to someone you trust, your niece whom you mentioned, that coworker who reached out to see if you are okay, a pastor or counselor, or call or text 988 in the United States or your local crisis help line, and if you are in immediate danger please call emergency services. You do not have to carry this alone and you do not have to explain everything perfectly to be worthy of help. That text from your coworker is a small sign that you are seen and remembered, and we encourage you to answer it even with a simple honest reply.

You wondered if prayers are not being answered and if you have used up some miracle quota and if God is punishing you before Judgement Day or because of your parents sins. We want to correct that understanding with what Scripture says. The Lord hears the righteous cry. Psalm 34:17 says The righteous cry, and Yahweh hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:18 says Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit. Your prayers have been heard. God is not ignoring you, though His answer may not come in the timing or form you expect. Miracles are not a limited quota. God is merciful and His mercies are new every morning, Lamentations 3:22-23. And you are not being punished for your parents sins. While Exodus 20:5 speaks of consequences of sin affecting generations, Ezekiel 18:20 makes clear The soul who sins, he shall die. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. And Romans 8:1 says There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. The pain you carry from your childhood was imposed upon you, it was not your fault, and God does not whip the least favored child to spare another. He loves you individually, deeply and unconditionally. Romans 5:8 says But God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

You said it feels like everyone is loved unconditionally except you, and that being cursed to be alone means you are not loved by God. That is the lie that depression and the enemy want you to believe. Your isolation and family brokenness are not proof that God does not love you. They are proof that this world is broken and that we need a Savior. Jesus Himself was despised and rejected, a man of sorrows, yet He is loved by the Father and He loves you with that same love. Jeremiah 31:3 says Yahweh appeared of old to me, saying, Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness. Isaiah 41:10 says Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

You mentioned God and Jesus and we are grateful you did, for it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father and hope beyond this pain. John 14:6 says Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. Acts 4:12 says There is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men, by which we must be saved. It is because Jesus bore our sorrows and carried our griefs and died and rose again that we can bring every burden to Him, including financial collapse and trauma and panic attacks and sleepless nights.

We also hear your practical burden. Less than two hundred dollars, a maxed credit card, thirty five mile round trips and calling in sick at risk to your job while living in a hotel. God cares about these details. Philippians 4:19 says My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 says In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7 says casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you. We encourage you to take small practical steps as you are able, speak honestly with your employer if it is safe to do so about transportation hardship, seek local community resources, churches, and social services that may help with rides or emergency aid for workers, and seek medical care for your sleep apnea and for your mental health. Depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD are not defects that make you unlovable or beyond cure, they are real afflictions that need care, counseling, and often medical support, and God can work through doctors and counselors as well as through prayer. Please do not stay isolated in bed for days without reaching out. Even a short walk outside, a call to your niece, or sitting with someone can be a step away from the quicksand feeling you described. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, Psalm 61:2.

We are praying for you now.

Father in heaven, we lift this dear one to You in the name of Jesus Christ. You see every sleepless night, every panic attack in the bathroom at work, every tear cried alone, every dollar of debt and every mile that feels impossible. We ask You to forgive us where we have believed lies about Your love and we ask You to reveal Your everlasting love in a way that can be felt. Lord, protect this life that You created. Place Your hand upon this sleep apnea and upon body and mind, bring healing and rest and proper treatment. Calm the storm of depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD, and lead to godly counsel and medical help that can bring stability. Provide for financial needs in a miraculous but practical way, open doors for transportation and for work provision, and give wisdom for each next step. Comfort the deep wounds from childhood and break the chain of generational pain by the blood of Jesus. Remind this heart that You are near to the brokenhearted and that You have plans for good. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says Yahweh, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope and a future. Give hope for tomorrow morning, strength just to get out of bed, and a reason to live one more day in Your mercy. We pray that joy in small things, like the gift with animals and horses and poetry that You gave, would not be lost forever but be restored in Your time. In Jesus name we ask for life, for peace that surpasses understanding, and for Your presence to be known today, amen.

We encourage you to keep praying, but pray for life and for help, not for death. Matthew 11:28 says Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. You have labored and been heavily burdened for so long. Come to Jesus with all of it, just as you are, and keep coming every day. We are continuing to pray that you will feel His care, that practical help will come, that you will reach out to your niece and to that friend who checked on you, and that you will see that your life still has purpose in Him. Please do not give up. God has not given up on you.

 

[hostadmin]

If you feel you might act on thoughts of not wanting to wake up, please contact your local emergency services right now. For free, confidential support from trained people, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. You are not alone and there are people ready to help right now.

We hear how heavy these last months have been for you. Seven months without a car, money stretched so thin you are worried about getting to work, calling in sick and taking a hit on your paycheck, living in a hotel and feeling embarrassed to be seen, missing the work with horses that once gave you joy and identity. When panic comes at work and you have to step away, and when sleep and waking both feel like a struggle, it is understandable you feel worn down and trapped, and that prayers feel unanswered.

You mentioned your niece is the one family member you can trust, and that you left her number for the hotel staff. We gently encourage you to let her know how low you are feeling right now, not to explain everything at once but to let someone who cares stay close. Because you mentioned depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bipolar, PTSD and sleep apnea, along with thoughts of wanting to die, we also encourage you to reach out soon to a doctor or mental health professional alongside prayer, so you have ongoing support for both your physical and emotional health. If you can, letting a trusted person at work know you are facing a transportation and health crisis may also open a little room for understanding about the next few days.

Father, we lift our friend to You in Jesus' name. You see his exhaustion, his financial pressure, and how alone he feels. Please keep him safe tonight, surround him with caring help, give wisdom for the next steps with work and health, and remind him he is not forgotten by You. Bring steady support through his niece and through professionals who can walk with him. Amen.

 

[Violetblue]

As one who truly understands you, the frustration and despair of suffering day after day, night after night, where there seems to be no end to the pain and struggle. I understand what it’s like to wonder what is the point of being here if I’m going to suffer continually. I am still praying for you that God will be merciful and bring about a positive change in your life, in the name of Jesus.