Silas
Beloved of All
Thank you for putting so much of your story into words and for being honest about how heavy and hopeless things feel right now. Hearing how long you have carried depression, anxiety, trauma, health struggles, family rejection, job loss, financial loss and the loss of your home, and how hard you have tried to get help through therapy, programs and faith based support, it is understandable that you feel exhausted, isolated and close to giving up. Nothing you have shared makes you unforgivable or unredeemable, and none of it means God has stopped loving you.
One of the questions you keep asking is why God will not forgive you and why He keeps punishing you. Many of us grow up learning that a child is punished for bad behavior and rewarded for good behavior, and without realizing it we carry that same idea over to God. We start to think He is keeping score, paying us back for every mistake, every bad decision, every time our faith wavered. That is not how Scripture shows God dealing with His children in Christ. If you are in Jesus, your sin was already judged at the cross. God may allow hard consequences and He may lovingly correct us, but He is not punishing you day after day to make you earn forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something you can earn by suffering more or by sacrificing yourself again and again. Jesus was offered once for all. You do not have to become the sacrifice. When you confess and turn to Him, He forgives because of what Jesus has done, not because you have finally suffered enough. The feeling of condemnation you describe is real, but Romans teaches there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
You said you slipped and fell and backslid but always recovered, and now you feel you cannot recover and you cannot help yourself even though others said you helped them. There is a place the apostle Paul describes that sounds very much like where you are. He cries out, O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me. At first many of us read that cry and try to answer it ourselves, asking how can I deliver myself from this miserable state. We try harder, we make new plans, we try to fix our flesh and our circumstances in our own strength. When that fails we sink even lower. Paul finally comes to total despair of his own efforts and changes the question from how can I deliver myself to who will deliver me. The answer is Jesus Christ, and the victory that follows is not by our willpower but by the work of the Spirit of God in us. God sometimes allows us to come to the end of ourselves, not to crush us, but so we will stop trusting in our own ability and stop taking credit for any change, and instead learn to depend on Him who causes us to triumph through Christ. That is the turn Romans chapter 8 describes, life in the Spirit instead of life trying to make our flesh acceptable to God.
You also described depression as a loss of hope, saying there is no way out and nothing you can do. The prophet Jeremiah knew that place. In Lamentations chapter 3 he begins in deep depression and hopelessness, saying he is the man who has seen affliction, that God seems far off and not listening. That is the bottom. Then in the middle of that hopelessness there is a sudden and dramatic change. He says, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. What does he recall. That the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Our thoughts have power. We can think ourselves into despair by rehearsing only our losses, our failures and our pain, and we can think ourselves into a deeper grave. Or by setting our minds on the Lord and renewing our minds in what is true about Him, we can come into hope again. In times of discouragement, defeat and depression, the way out is not to wallow in self pity but to deliberately get our minds and hearts off ourselves and onto the Lord, remembering His character and His promises.
Part of what makes despair so dangerous is that fear and despair distort what we see. When a person comes to despair he often does things he would not otherwise do, he may lash out at those close to him, push away comfort, or exaggerate how bad the situation is. Fear has a way of magnifying everything. Despair often comes from seeing only half the truth, only what we can see right now, without taking God into account. If you could see the whole story as God sees it, you would not be crying out in despair but rejoicing in the victory He is still working out. Jacob once cried out that all things were against him when in fact God was working to save his family and bring them together again. How many times do we cry out that God has abandoned us when He is saying, wait, let me finish the chapter. You mentioned seeing both blessings and what felt like curses competing over the last years. Even in your account you noted timely provisions, a room when you needed it, money from the house when you expected nothing, people who helped with a car, neighbors who cared. Those are not small things. They are signs that God has not left you to fix everything alone, even when it feels that way.
You asked if God is watching you on the edge of those cliffs and daring you to jump, and you spoke of asking Him to take you in your sleep. God is not daring you. He is not punishing you for your honesty. He invites honesty. The Psalms are full of people crying out exactly as you have, asking where is God, why so much struggle, how long. He hears those cries. He does not condemn you for them. And your life is not a matter of dumb luck or terminal bad luck. If you are still here, it is because He still has purpose for you and His mercy is still sustaining you, new every morning, even on mornings that feel empty.
Please do not stay isolated with thoughts of jumping or that you will not be around for the new year. Those thoughts are a sign you need immediate support from people near you. If you feel you might act on them, please reach out right now to a trusted person, a pastor, a counselor, your doctor, or call or text a crisis helpline in your area. In the United States you can call or text 988. If you are elsewhere, you can search for your local crisis helpline. You need others with you in this, not only to pray but to walk with you practically. Continue with professional care for depression, trauma and health concerns, and stay connected to a local church community where you can be known and supported, not just a name in an offering plate letter.
You said the stories of people in the Bible who waited years feel distant and unrelated to you. They were written precisely so you would know the character of the God who is still the same. The God who kept His love and mercy toward Jeremiah in the pit, and who delivered Paul when he despaired of life itself, is the same God who sees you now. He is not asking you to look a year ahead today. Look to today. Recall one true thing about Him to your mind and let that be your hope for today. That His love for you in Christ has not ceased. That His mercies are not exhausted. That because Jesus died and rose, you can be forgiven fully when you turn to Him, not because you have earned it but because He paid for it.
I am praying for you, that God will lift the weight of condemnation, that you will hear His love more clearly than the voices of rejection you have heard from family and others, that He will provide safe people and practical help for housing, work and health, and that He will give you strength for one day at a time. Keep crying out to Him, keep asking for help from others, and keep your mind set on His steadfast love. He has not abandoned you, and He will finish the story He has begun in you.
One of the questions you keep asking is why God will not forgive you and why He keeps punishing you. Many of us grow up learning that a child is punished for bad behavior and rewarded for good behavior, and without realizing it we carry that same idea over to God. We start to think He is keeping score, paying us back for every mistake, every bad decision, every time our faith wavered. That is not how Scripture shows God dealing with His children in Christ. If you are in Jesus, your sin was already judged at the cross. God may allow hard consequences and He may lovingly correct us, but He is not punishing you day after day to make you earn forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something you can earn by suffering more or by sacrificing yourself again and again. Jesus was offered once for all. You do not have to become the sacrifice. When you confess and turn to Him, He forgives because of what Jesus has done, not because you have finally suffered enough. The feeling of condemnation you describe is real, but Romans teaches there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
You said you slipped and fell and backslid but always recovered, and now you feel you cannot recover and you cannot help yourself even though others said you helped them. There is a place the apostle Paul describes that sounds very much like where you are. He cries out, O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me. At first many of us read that cry and try to answer it ourselves, asking how can I deliver myself from this miserable state. We try harder, we make new plans, we try to fix our flesh and our circumstances in our own strength. When that fails we sink even lower. Paul finally comes to total despair of his own efforts and changes the question from how can I deliver myself to who will deliver me. The answer is Jesus Christ, and the victory that follows is not by our willpower but by the work of the Spirit of God in us. God sometimes allows us to come to the end of ourselves, not to crush us, but so we will stop trusting in our own ability and stop taking credit for any change, and instead learn to depend on Him who causes us to triumph through Christ. That is the turn Romans chapter 8 describes, life in the Spirit instead of life trying to make our flesh acceptable to God.
You also described depression as a loss of hope, saying there is no way out and nothing you can do. The prophet Jeremiah knew that place. In Lamentations chapter 3 he begins in deep depression and hopelessness, saying he is the man who has seen affliction, that God seems far off and not listening. That is the bottom. Then in the middle of that hopelessness there is a sudden and dramatic change. He says, this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. What does he recall. That the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Our thoughts have power. We can think ourselves into despair by rehearsing only our losses, our failures and our pain, and we can think ourselves into a deeper grave. Or by setting our minds on the Lord and renewing our minds in what is true about Him, we can come into hope again. In times of discouragement, defeat and depression, the way out is not to wallow in self pity but to deliberately get our minds and hearts off ourselves and onto the Lord, remembering His character and His promises.
Part of what makes despair so dangerous is that fear and despair distort what we see. When a person comes to despair he often does things he would not otherwise do, he may lash out at those close to him, push away comfort, or exaggerate how bad the situation is. Fear has a way of magnifying everything. Despair often comes from seeing only half the truth, only what we can see right now, without taking God into account. If you could see the whole story as God sees it, you would not be crying out in despair but rejoicing in the victory He is still working out. Jacob once cried out that all things were against him when in fact God was working to save his family and bring them together again. How many times do we cry out that God has abandoned us when He is saying, wait, let me finish the chapter. You mentioned seeing both blessings and what felt like curses competing over the last years. Even in your account you noted timely provisions, a room when you needed it, money from the house when you expected nothing, people who helped with a car, neighbors who cared. Those are not small things. They are signs that God has not left you to fix everything alone, even when it feels that way.
You asked if God is watching you on the edge of those cliffs and daring you to jump, and you spoke of asking Him to take you in your sleep. God is not daring you. He is not punishing you for your honesty. He invites honesty. The Psalms are full of people crying out exactly as you have, asking where is God, why so much struggle, how long. He hears those cries. He does not condemn you for them. And your life is not a matter of dumb luck or terminal bad luck. If you are still here, it is because He still has purpose for you and His mercy is still sustaining you, new every morning, even on mornings that feel empty.
Please do not stay isolated with thoughts of jumping or that you will not be around for the new year. Those thoughts are a sign you need immediate support from people near you. If you feel you might act on them, please reach out right now to a trusted person, a pastor, a counselor, your doctor, or call or text a crisis helpline in your area. In the United States you can call or text 988. If you are elsewhere, you can search for your local crisis helpline. You need others with you in this, not only to pray but to walk with you practically. Continue with professional care for depression, trauma and health concerns, and stay connected to a local church community where you can be known and supported, not just a name in an offering plate letter.
You said the stories of people in the Bible who waited years feel distant and unrelated to you. They were written precisely so you would know the character of the God who is still the same. The God who kept His love and mercy toward Jeremiah in the pit, and who delivered Paul when he despaired of life itself, is the same God who sees you now. He is not asking you to look a year ahead today. Look to today. Recall one true thing about Him to your mind and let that be your hope for today. That His love for you in Christ has not ceased. That His mercies are not exhausted. That because Jesus died and rose, you can be forgiven fully when you turn to Him, not because you have earned it but because He paid for it.
I am praying for you, that God will lift the weight of condemnation, that you will hear His love more clearly than the voices of rejection you have heard from family and others, that He will provide safe people and practical help for housing, work and health, and that He will give you strength for one day at a time. Keep crying out to Him, keep asking for help from others, and keep your mind set on His steadfast love. He has not abandoned you, and He will finish the story He has begun in you.
