Anonymous
Beloved of All
Why doesn't God love me?
Why won't he forgive me?
Why does He continue to punish me for all my mistakes, bad decisions? Why does He keep punishing me for all the times I lossed faith? People lose faith all the time in hard times, tough times, and everyday struggles. Where is the forgiveness, understanding, compassion, empathy, and mercy? Why the constant struggles? My life didn't used to be like this. It wasn't perfect, but I was much happier then this. There was joy, happiness, good times, blessings. I even had girlfriends. I had close relationships with all my nieces and nephews. I had friends. I had a great church. I had a great job. I was in the Army too in the past. I had special training and was Air Assault qualified. I was promoted quickly, was successful in my military occupation. I lived in some pretty cool places. I had "little victories" and some success in things. I wasn't rich, but I had built a financial foundation. I had investments and was doing good, not financially successful, but successful enough that I was slowly adding to the modest financial foundation I was building. Though my job was far away from my childhood home I made frequent trips to visit family and friends. When I visited them I treated them to lunches and dinners because I could and I loved to do it for them. When I didn't make it down for holidays I sent candies and food gifts for everyone and loved doing it.
I did some local traveling in the places I lived. I went all over the place photographing all over. My photos appeared on and within a Christian music CD from my church back east. I had success in camera operations with a cable company back east. I've worked with kids and animals. Was called an "Animal Whisperer", and in particular, a "Horse Whisperer". I had struggles, but I was much happier. I slipped, I fell, I backslid, but always recovered. I had hopes, dreams, ambitions, and many hobbies. I had great relationships with all my relatives, but now the vast majority of them are gone. I was fortunate to have met and hung out with notable people and was grateful for the experiences.
I've struggled for years with depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Sleep Apnea, and Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS; I kick my legs in my sleep and during the day I bounce my leg or I'm shaking my foot. I survived the abuse from my toxic, hyper dysfunctional family. I went through many years of therapy, all kinds of meds and even participated in all kinds of programs from fath based and the "regular" mental health facilities. I received great compliments from therapists and fellow associates who were going through the same struggles and said I was an inspiration to them - but yet, I couldn't seem to help myself. But, yet, I was still happier, at least for the most part. Fir the times I wasn't, I at least appeared to be so I didn't put anything on anybody around me. I carried my hurt and struggles within me and tried not to take it out one anyone around me within the family and my friends and coworkers. I kept my struggles and tears behind my persona. I was encouraging to kids and good relationships with them, and same thing with animals.
I even came close to getting married, but thankfully, God saved me from making that mistake as she was not the right person and fortunately God revealed it time.
People said I was talented and gifted in the arts and they said I had a promising future. What happened to all of that? Where did all of that go?! What did I do? Even in my worst breakdown moments I never denounced God. I was angry and questioned at times but I never denounced Him.
What have I done that is so unforgivable? What has made me so unredeemable? Why is there so much condemnation towards me?
Things changed drastically when my dying father called us all into the room and confessed to everyone that he hated me and never loved me. I forgave my dad, but my siblings became emboldened...my oldest brother at first.
When our mother was diagnosed with dementia, the claws began to come out from other siblings. When our mother passed away, they became enraged with their held I hatred for me - their true feelings. I never treated them that way. I always treated them with respect and accepted them for who they are. I have one sister I'm in contact with, but I still have to remain guarded. I have one niece that she and I have a close relationship. My other nieces and nephews stopped responded to my texts and messages on Facebook.
Then in 2009 the biggest heartbreak happened. I was successful in a job that could only come about by the grace of God. I even transferred cross-country for this company to help get a new data center going. But, my new manager, who I trained, fired me and brought his best friend in to replace me. Then, to add insult to injury, nobody in the company, not even HR backed me up. After all the great work I did for them! I saved the company from multimillions of dollars of revenue losses in Europe when their operator left their system unattended for an hour and it was crashing. Our support people made the call to switch the European credit card authorization services to a backup processor in the States, which is normal emergency protocol. I implemented the switch quickly and successfully and was praised by our escalation support group. But, the CEO openly faulted me for my actions and yelled and screamed and cursed at me for "destroying our relations with our European counterparts". I told him I followed proper procedures - quite successfully - with the authorization from the proper escalation group as per protocol. They support group backed me up but they were ignored. I was successful with at company for 19 years and some minion was allowed to take that all away. Because this job was a gift from God, I was so thankful for it and wanted to do my best because it was from God. But why did He allow this guy to do it...AND get away with it? It did cause a big chasm between me and God. That's when my depression and everything worsened. I struggled, but I did pray and trusted God that I was doing the right thing and getting the proper care. I began attending church more regularly. Because of our 12 hour shifts and the irregular schedules, and no holidays (24 x 7 x 365), attending church regularly was difficult, though it was workable when I was in the east. I couldn't find a regular church home.
But after that, my life began to fall apart. The job market was bad and I just couldn't find anything. I was still okay financially as I had my investments, savings, and 28-month Severance Package, so I didn't need to panic. I was able to survive for a long time and was able to continue my house payments. That house was a gift from God too. It was an awesome deal, as some I knew in real estate said when they saw it. But, struggles worsened, my faith and all was failing. I was suddenly plagued with severe bouts of Sciatica that would leave me bedridden anywhere from a week to two weeks. Eventually, the investments were cashed out. The draining of my savings began. During this time I got a great opportunity with an aerospace company for an apprenticeship. I grew up with the space program all around me on The Space Coast, so this was awesome. Out of more than three hundred applicants, only fifteen were selected. I was blessed to be one of them. Midway through the six week training they evaluated everyone. Eight people were cut from the fifteen - I, sadly, was one of them. The next month, I lost my house and had thirty days to vacate. I was so distraught and became stricken with a severe case of intestinal flu and was bedridden for seven days. I now had three weeks to pack up my belongings, find storage, and a place to live. Someone else who was cut from the apprenticeship program had a roommate move out and offered the room to me - another timely blessing from God. I still had my paychecks from the apprenticeship work. And, when my house was foreclosed on, I was surprised by another great blessing...I actually made some money. I found storage, took the room offer, and got moved in. A Christian friend of mine back east offered me to come back east, stay in her house and look around for jobs in the area. I was there a few months looking around. I also did a great deal if landscaping work for her and house repairs and cosmetic repairs. Her neighbors were impressed with all the work, as was she and her daughter. I loved doing it and especially for her. She sold her house sometime later so the curb appeal was still fresh. After leaving there I went down to visit only two siblings and my niece. Since then, one of those sisters jumped to the other side. I returned back here with some hope and feeling better. Well, things didn't quite work out back there, or here. Eventually I had to move out again, but a neighbor I knew for twenty-one years let me rent a room in her 4 bdrm house. She lived alone. I took care of her yard for her and always cleared her snow away with my snowblower. So, there I was, now across the street from the house I lost. However, I met the young couple and liked them. They liked what I had done with the yard and were asking me questions and stuff about the yard and house. I was working part-time and the money was thin. But I did alot of yard work for this, now elderly woman and did what I could in the house to compensate for what lacked in rent payments. Fir social services assistance, I was limited to how much I could make,but that wasn't a problem since I was only working twenty hours. Eventually her health began to deteriorate beyond the help I could give her. She now needed more than just rides to her many medical appointments. Her family moved her back east and now here I am in this hotel. I had to get rid of my last vehicle because after having it fir twenty years and a little over two hundred thousands miles, the repair bills were insurmountable. One day I was driving and the vehicle died. I was still paying off three predatory loans. I was blessed with this Honda from an an anonymous person, but later figured it out. Well, unfortunately so much money has been put into this car and it's been off the road more than it's been on it. And here I am again. How can such a wonderful blessing become such a curse? The small funds I made from selling the last vehicle had to be put into this vehicle to get it running and to get it through emissions and inspections. Now, here I am again! It's like heaven and hell are competing to see who can hurt me the worse. I'm saying it just seems like both, but I see how God provided blessings as I noted above. But now, it seems like I'm left on my own to fix this, repair all the damage caused in the past, do it alone and isolated and most certainly without any family help.
The one who is helping me with the repairs is the one who provided the car. I never wanted her to know about the car troubles because I didn't want her to feel bad. She did a wonderful thing I certainly didn't want her to think that I blame her, because I sincerely do NOT blame her. She, as a good Christian helped me out and connected with another Christian couple in my state who fix and repair cars to sell. They lived what she was doing and wanted to get a part of it. They were nice and I was convinced. But when I started contacting them about issues, especially safety issues with the car, they went silent. I was only asking for information and was not mean, nor did I accuse them if anything. But, I soon realized they deceived my friend and were very disingenuous with me. The fax report was false and I found out this was and was used in a farm and ranch environment...which means it was abused and beat up. Such cars do not need to be inspected, nor registered to operate on the roads in farm and ranch areas. Can't sue as it was sold "As Is". But, all the stuff happened before I knew anything about it. I was so grateful for the gift. I reluctantly and sadly told my friend what was going on. Upon previous inspection from another repair shop that had done work on it previously, they wanted thousands of dollars. This other place I am going to take it to has been informed of what the other places diagnosed and recommended. I did not tell them the quote the other place gave me . This other place quoted less than half of the other place. So here I am. There's the last ten-plus years in a nutshell. I'm still trying to recover from the job loss several years ago and the loss of my house few years ago. And during all of that, the struggles of the depression and all of it's "relatives" and everything I tried to do to find help and healing. Before that was the heavy drinking and staying in bed for days just because I didn't want to face another day. I was so desperate for help that I gave into there recommendations for an regimen of ECT sessions for twice aweek and "until". After six weeks, I said, "No more." I couldn't do it anymore. I think there is possible mental damage from that. And that was done more than ten years ago. My life has been such a struggle for so long. Actually, back then, I never thought I would still be alive today. Back then, I didn't think I would make it another five years. The animals were what saved me back then and that was a gift from God. But, those days are long gone. I don't have anything to work with now except myself and I'm struggling at best in that.
I did appeal by a letter I dropped in the offering plate with my meager offering, and explained the situation and asked if there was anything they can do to help. I did this during the Saturday night service. This church has 4 campuses in the metro area, and live fees to a couple of other campuses across the country, and others around the world. Surely you would think they could help. I out my phone number in the letter and I told them that I am residing in the hotel two blocks from the church and gave them my room number. There was a holiday this week, but as of today, Wednesday, I have not heard from them.
So, I'm sure you can see how distraught and stressed out I am. This isn't "a season", this has been more than a fifteen year onslaught. I don't have much in me; I don't know what is keeping me going because there really isn't anything inspirational to keep going. There are an in innumerable number of cliffs to jump off of. I've stood on the very edge of many thinking about what's keeping me from jumping. There's no way I would survive the long drop. If I jump, all this is over with. Is God watching when I do this. Is He daring me? I don't know what to make if anything anymore. It seems that everything I learned and believed has changed. When I'm not asking God to take me in my sleep with my apnea, I am literally asking Him to wake me up from this awful nightmare and I find that I am back in my old apartment back where I was before I cane out here, or at least back to when I first thought about inquiring to relocate back to the other data center, before I bought a house out here. I now regret the vast majority of the years I've been out here. I really lived it so much which why I decided to invest in a house. But, even when there was a blessing in losing the house, I still couldn't make it work. God provided a way for me to make a clean break from here through my friend back east and I totally blew it. Yes, I was stunned and shocked and still in a daze, but the bottom line is that I totally messed it all up...again. In a way, I can't blame God for abandoning me. But I never hurt anyone or committed any crimes. I've shown my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews live and forgiveness. I forgave my dad right there in his hospital room. I've repented over and over and over again. I have no more tears and only dry watering I of the eyes. I've been in my knees, I've been at some of those cliff edges crying out to God but only hear my echoes. I've been in the woods crying out. I've even buried my head in my blankets and sheets crying out to God and have even dropped down in the shower just folded up shaking. Why? It seems quite obvious that not only am I the family scapegoat, but that I am probably the sacrifice. Sacrifices are Old Testament and Jesus was sacrificed on the cross for us. How come I seem to have to sacrifice more to "earn" forgiveness. I've been through alot of group therapies, faith based and "regular", so I am well aware that I am not the only one who is in such turmoil and torture. When is it enough? How many years longer! And tell me the old testament stories of fort years here and dizens of years there. Those were different times, different people. Though inspiring, their stories have nothing to do with me and my personal life thousands of years later. It's almost like I'm experiencing my abused childhood all over again but it's not my family abusing me. I'm just putting it all out there. I know God will punish me as He wishes for my honesty despite how hard I'm trying to understand and gave faith and believe that all this bad can work out for some good. If I don't find something good in all of this soon...I really don't think I'm going to be around for the New Year The " New Year"...in retrospect, there's never been anything good to look forward to in a new year for the last fifteen or more years, though I really hoped for it and looked for it. It's like I died so many years ago, but my body didn't get the message. I'm not sure that I'm still alive by the grace of God, or if it's just stupid, dumb luck, or just terminal bad luck.
I'm so unsure of every day now that I cannot look at a week ahead, a month ahead, and definitely a year ahead. I had two good days...maybe they were just a tease.
If you've read all of this book, thank you. Thank you for all you've tried to do for me. My setting in my life right now, is a well known, and all too common story, about the end for countless broken and hopeless people...even Christians.
Why won't he forgive me?
Why does He continue to punish me for all my mistakes, bad decisions? Why does He keep punishing me for all the times I lossed faith? People lose faith all the time in hard times, tough times, and everyday struggles. Where is the forgiveness, understanding, compassion, empathy, and mercy? Why the constant struggles? My life didn't used to be like this. It wasn't perfect, but I was much happier then this. There was joy, happiness, good times, blessings. I even had girlfriends. I had close relationships with all my nieces and nephews. I had friends. I had a great church. I had a great job. I was in the Army too in the past. I had special training and was Air Assault qualified. I was promoted quickly, was successful in my military occupation. I lived in some pretty cool places. I had "little victories" and some success in things. I wasn't rich, but I had built a financial foundation. I had investments and was doing good, not financially successful, but successful enough that I was slowly adding to the modest financial foundation I was building. Though my job was far away from my childhood home I made frequent trips to visit family and friends. When I visited them I treated them to lunches and dinners because I could and I loved to do it for them. When I didn't make it down for holidays I sent candies and food gifts for everyone and loved doing it.
I did some local traveling in the places I lived. I went all over the place photographing all over. My photos appeared on and within a Christian music CD from my church back east. I had success in camera operations with a cable company back east. I've worked with kids and animals. Was called an "Animal Whisperer", and in particular, a "Horse Whisperer". I had struggles, but I was much happier. I slipped, I fell, I backslid, but always recovered. I had hopes, dreams, ambitions, and many hobbies. I had great relationships with all my relatives, but now the vast majority of them are gone. I was fortunate to have met and hung out with notable people and was grateful for the experiences.
I've struggled for years with depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Sleep Apnea, and Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS; I kick my legs in my sleep and during the day I bounce my leg or I'm shaking my foot. I survived the abuse from my toxic, hyper dysfunctional family. I went through many years of therapy, all kinds of meds and even participated in all kinds of programs from fath based and the "regular" mental health facilities. I received great compliments from therapists and fellow associates who were going through the same struggles and said I was an inspiration to them - but yet, I couldn't seem to help myself. But, yet, I was still happier, at least for the most part. Fir the times I wasn't, I at least appeared to be so I didn't put anything on anybody around me. I carried my hurt and struggles within me and tried not to take it out one anyone around me within the family and my friends and coworkers. I kept my struggles and tears behind my persona. I was encouraging to kids and good relationships with them, and same thing with animals.
I even came close to getting married, but thankfully, God saved me from making that mistake as she was not the right person and fortunately God revealed it time.
People said I was talented and gifted in the arts and they said I had a promising future. What happened to all of that? Where did all of that go?! What did I do? Even in my worst breakdown moments I never denounced God. I was angry and questioned at times but I never denounced Him.
What have I done that is so unforgivable? What has made me so unredeemable? Why is there so much condemnation towards me?
Things changed drastically when my dying father called us all into the room and confessed to everyone that he hated me and never loved me. I forgave my dad, but my siblings became emboldened...my oldest brother at first.
When our mother was diagnosed with dementia, the claws began to come out from other siblings. When our mother passed away, they became enraged with their held I hatred for me - their true feelings. I never treated them that way. I always treated them with respect and accepted them for who they are. I have one sister I'm in contact with, but I still have to remain guarded. I have one niece that she and I have a close relationship. My other nieces and nephews stopped responded to my texts and messages on Facebook.
Then in 2009 the biggest heartbreak happened. I was successful in a job that could only come about by the grace of God. I even transferred cross-country for this company to help get a new data center going. But, my new manager, who I trained, fired me and brought his best friend in to replace me. Then, to add insult to injury, nobody in the company, not even HR backed me up. After all the great work I did for them! I saved the company from multimillions of dollars of revenue losses in Europe when their operator left their system unattended for an hour and it was crashing. Our support people made the call to switch the European credit card authorization services to a backup processor in the States, which is normal emergency protocol. I implemented the switch quickly and successfully and was praised by our escalation support group. But, the CEO openly faulted me for my actions and yelled and screamed and cursed at me for "destroying our relations with our European counterparts". I told him I followed proper procedures - quite successfully - with the authorization from the proper escalation group as per protocol. They support group backed me up but they were ignored. I was successful with at company for 19 years and some minion was allowed to take that all away. Because this job was a gift from God, I was so thankful for it and wanted to do my best because it was from God. But why did He allow this guy to do it...AND get away with it? It did cause a big chasm between me and God. That's when my depression and everything worsened. I struggled, but I did pray and trusted God that I was doing the right thing and getting the proper care. I began attending church more regularly. Because of our 12 hour shifts and the irregular schedules, and no holidays (24 x 7 x 365), attending church regularly was difficult, though it was workable when I was in the east. I couldn't find a regular church home.
But after that, my life began to fall apart. The job market was bad and I just couldn't find anything. I was still okay financially as I had my investments, savings, and 28-month Severance Package, so I didn't need to panic. I was able to survive for a long time and was able to continue my house payments. That house was a gift from God too. It was an awesome deal, as some I knew in real estate said when they saw it. But, struggles worsened, my faith and all was failing. I was suddenly plagued with severe bouts of Sciatica that would leave me bedridden anywhere from a week to two weeks. Eventually, the investments were cashed out. The draining of my savings began. During this time I got a great opportunity with an aerospace company for an apprenticeship. I grew up with the space program all around me on The Space Coast, so this was awesome. Out of more than three hundred applicants, only fifteen were selected. I was blessed to be one of them. Midway through the six week training they evaluated everyone. Eight people were cut from the fifteen - I, sadly, was one of them. The next month, I lost my house and had thirty days to vacate. I was so distraught and became stricken with a severe case of intestinal flu and was bedridden for seven days. I now had three weeks to pack up my belongings, find storage, and a place to live. Someone else who was cut from the apprenticeship program had a roommate move out and offered the room to me - another timely blessing from God. I still had my paychecks from the apprenticeship work. And, when my house was foreclosed on, I was surprised by another great blessing...I actually made some money. I found storage, took the room offer, and got moved in. A Christian friend of mine back east offered me to come back east, stay in her house and look around for jobs in the area. I was there a few months looking around. I also did a great deal if landscaping work for her and house repairs and cosmetic repairs. Her neighbors were impressed with all the work, as was she and her daughter. I loved doing it and especially for her. She sold her house sometime later so the curb appeal was still fresh. After leaving there I went down to visit only two siblings and my niece. Since then, one of those sisters jumped to the other side. I returned back here with some hope and feeling better. Well, things didn't quite work out back there, or here. Eventually I had to move out again, but a neighbor I knew for twenty-one years let me rent a room in her 4 bdrm house. She lived alone. I took care of her yard for her and always cleared her snow away with my snowblower. So, there I was, now across the street from the house I lost. However, I met the young couple and liked them. They liked what I had done with the yard and were asking me questions and stuff about the yard and house. I was working part-time and the money was thin. But I did alot of yard work for this, now elderly woman and did what I could in the house to compensate for what lacked in rent payments. Fir social services assistance, I was limited to how much I could make,but that wasn't a problem since I was only working twenty hours. Eventually her health began to deteriorate beyond the help I could give her. She now needed more than just rides to her many medical appointments. Her family moved her back east and now here I am in this hotel. I had to get rid of my last vehicle because after having it fir twenty years and a little over two hundred thousands miles, the repair bills were insurmountable. One day I was driving and the vehicle died. I was still paying off three predatory loans. I was blessed with this Honda from an an anonymous person, but later figured it out. Well, unfortunately so much money has been put into this car and it's been off the road more than it's been on it. And here I am again. How can such a wonderful blessing become such a curse? The small funds I made from selling the last vehicle had to be put into this vehicle to get it running and to get it through emissions and inspections. Now, here I am again! It's like heaven and hell are competing to see who can hurt me the worse. I'm saying it just seems like both, but I see how God provided blessings as I noted above. But now, it seems like I'm left on my own to fix this, repair all the damage caused in the past, do it alone and isolated and most certainly without any family help.
The one who is helping me with the repairs is the one who provided the car. I never wanted her to know about the car troubles because I didn't want her to feel bad. She did a wonderful thing I certainly didn't want her to think that I blame her, because I sincerely do NOT blame her. She, as a good Christian helped me out and connected with another Christian couple in my state who fix and repair cars to sell. They lived what she was doing and wanted to get a part of it. They were nice and I was convinced. But when I started contacting them about issues, especially safety issues with the car, they went silent. I was only asking for information and was not mean, nor did I accuse them if anything. But, I soon realized they deceived my friend and were very disingenuous with me. The fax report was false and I found out this was and was used in a farm and ranch environment...which means it was abused and beat up. Such cars do not need to be inspected, nor registered to operate on the roads in farm and ranch areas. Can't sue as it was sold "As Is". But, all the stuff happened before I knew anything about it. I was so grateful for the gift. I reluctantly and sadly told my friend what was going on. Upon previous inspection from another repair shop that had done work on it previously, they wanted thousands of dollars. This other place I am going to take it to has been informed of what the other places diagnosed and recommended. I did not tell them the quote the other place gave me . This other place quoted less than half of the other place. So here I am. There's the last ten-plus years in a nutshell. I'm still trying to recover from the job loss several years ago and the loss of my house few years ago. And during all of that, the struggles of the depression and all of it's "relatives" and everything I tried to do to find help and healing. Before that was the heavy drinking and staying in bed for days just because I didn't want to face another day. I was so desperate for help that I gave into there recommendations for an regimen of ECT sessions for twice aweek and "until". After six weeks, I said, "No more." I couldn't do it anymore. I think there is possible mental damage from that. And that was done more than ten years ago. My life has been such a struggle for so long. Actually, back then, I never thought I would still be alive today. Back then, I didn't think I would make it another five years. The animals were what saved me back then and that was a gift from God. But, those days are long gone. I don't have anything to work with now except myself and I'm struggling at best in that.
I did appeal by a letter I dropped in the offering plate with my meager offering, and explained the situation and asked if there was anything they can do to help. I did this during the Saturday night service. This church has 4 campuses in the metro area, and live fees to a couple of other campuses across the country, and others around the world. Surely you would think they could help. I out my phone number in the letter and I told them that I am residing in the hotel two blocks from the church and gave them my room number. There was a holiday this week, but as of today, Wednesday, I have not heard from them.
So, I'm sure you can see how distraught and stressed out I am. This isn't "a season", this has been more than a fifteen year onslaught. I don't have much in me; I don't know what is keeping me going because there really isn't anything inspirational to keep going. There are an in innumerable number of cliffs to jump off of. I've stood on the very edge of many thinking about what's keeping me from jumping. There's no way I would survive the long drop. If I jump, all this is over with. Is God watching when I do this. Is He daring me? I don't know what to make if anything anymore. It seems that everything I learned and believed has changed. When I'm not asking God to take me in my sleep with my apnea, I am literally asking Him to wake me up from this awful nightmare and I find that I am back in my old apartment back where I was before I cane out here, or at least back to when I first thought about inquiring to relocate back to the other data center, before I bought a house out here. I now regret the vast majority of the years I've been out here. I really lived it so much which why I decided to invest in a house. But, even when there was a blessing in losing the house, I still couldn't make it work. God provided a way for me to make a clean break from here through my friend back east and I totally blew it. Yes, I was stunned and shocked and still in a daze, but the bottom line is that I totally messed it all up...again. In a way, I can't blame God for abandoning me. But I never hurt anyone or committed any crimes. I've shown my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews live and forgiveness. I forgave my dad right there in his hospital room. I've repented over and over and over again. I have no more tears and only dry watering I of the eyes. I've been in my knees, I've been at some of those cliff edges crying out to God but only hear my echoes. I've been in the woods crying out. I've even buried my head in my blankets and sheets crying out to God and have even dropped down in the shower just folded up shaking. Why? It seems quite obvious that not only am I the family scapegoat, but that I am probably the sacrifice. Sacrifices are Old Testament and Jesus was sacrificed on the cross for us. How come I seem to have to sacrifice more to "earn" forgiveness. I've been through alot of group therapies, faith based and "regular", so I am well aware that I am not the only one who is in such turmoil and torture. When is it enough? How many years longer! And tell me the old testament stories of fort years here and dizens of years there. Those were different times, different people. Though inspiring, their stories have nothing to do with me and my personal life thousands of years later. It's almost like I'm experiencing my abused childhood all over again but it's not my family abusing me. I'm just putting it all out there. I know God will punish me as He wishes for my honesty despite how hard I'm trying to understand and gave faith and believe that all this bad can work out for some good. If I don't find something good in all of this soon...I really don't think I'm going to be around for the New Year The " New Year"...in retrospect, there's never been anything good to look forward to in a new year for the last fifteen or more years, though I really hoped for it and looked for it. It's like I died so many years ago, but my body didn't get the message. I'm not sure that I'm still alive by the grace of God, or if it's just stupid, dumb luck, or just terminal bad luck.
I'm so unsure of every day now that I cannot look at a week ahead, a month ahead, and definitely a year ahead. I had two good days...maybe they were just a tease.
If you've read all of this book, thank you. Thank you for all you've tried to do for me. My setting in my life right now, is a well known, and all too common story, about the end for countless broken and hopeless people...even Christians.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. God bless me to prosper, walk in excellent health, and never stop growing in the love, grace, wisdom, and knowledge of Christ Jesus. God bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and never fall out of love with You. God, bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, Your righteousness, and to always respect and obey You. Bless me to know You, the way You want me to know You. So that I will trust You with my life and anyway that You move in my life. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, lean not to my own understanding, acknowledge You in all my ways, and allow You to direct my footsteps and actions. Bless me with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in all You have called me to do. 
